The reality was that, after the annulment of her marriage, Emma felt the cruelest person in the world. She had not only broken the heart of a good man but also had deliberately used him to forget Will Schuester. And that wasn`t right. There was nothing good.
What on earth had she been thinking when she married Carl? It`s true he was sweet, and definitely good looking; he had helped her with her problems more than she could thank him... But she wasn`t in love with him. Never had been. She wanted very much, but definitely not in love.
God, she had made such mess. She was tired. Tired of ruining things that were good for her, that helped her. Why did she have that compulsion to ruin the lives of men who loved her, who were willing to be with her, despite his disorder?
It was past 11 pm and Emma was lying on the couch, the TV was on, but she was not looking at it. Instead, her head was dedicated to remember all the mistakes he had made in her life. She had left her home, she had agreed to go out with Ken and she'd hurt him; then she went out with Will knowing it wasn't the right time; after that she humiliate Will in public; some weeks later she went out with Carl out of spite (now recognized, had come out with it out of spite), and then she got married in Las Vegas ... Emma forced herself to stop counting her errors. She could be there all night. Emma let out a bitter laugh and shook her head, still couldn`t believe all the stupid things she had done. She rubbed her forehead, trying to divert the thoughts she had and suddenly Will's words echoed in her head: "One day, you're gonna find a way to beat this thing. Until then, I'm here for you. No Judgment, just a friend that you Can Count On." Why he have to be so sweet to her, then by all that had happened between them? It was true that he had cheated on her with April and Shelby, but she had not sought the healthiest way to forget either. Emma couldn`t be more sorry for her actions. She felt ashamed, stupid and tired. Tired of fighting your OCD. Emma had spent her entire life fighting against that alone, and apparently hadn`t worked very well. It was time to seek help for herself and others. Because she couldn`t stand the thought of hurting someone due to her fears and inhibitions. she couldn`t bear to hurt Will again.
Looking for help was the best thing she could possibly do. Fighting alone against her OCD was almost impossible for her now because she felt defeated after her failed marriage. And Will, well he was being a great friend, but there were certain things she couldn`t share with him (such as the fact she still had some sort of feelings for him); and there were certain things that he couldn`t fix as much as he wanted it to.
"I`m actually very confused about my feelings", Emma confessed to Dr. Begler during her first session. It felt relieving to be able to talk about all the things she had went during the last months. After all she had no close friends. "I felt I´ve ruined everyone`s lives. Will´s in the first place… he`s been suffering a lot at the expense of my happiness, when the truth is I was never happy with Carl. I mean, I was… but not as happy as I`d have liked to. And my OCD ended up screwing up with me… I thought I had it under control…. But I didn`t. And that`s one of the reasons I never slept with him, I couldn`t… But it wasn´t just the messiness of the thing itself… Carl wasn`t Will… But I was scared at the same time", Emma´s verbiage was suddenly cut by Dr. Begler`s question
"Do you think you could sleep with Will?" Her eyes were fixed on hers.
"I… I don`t know" Emma replied in a stammering murmur, "To be honest… I don`t know how I feel about Will, there still many things we haven`t said to each other. I still resent him for sleeping with April and kissing Shelby… but I, I feel terribly for everything he suffer when I got married… I start seeing Carl after he confess he loved me, and I did it to get over him… and it kills me to know I did it with the hidden intention of hurting him". Emma sobbed. handed her a clinex and comforted her,
"Emma it`s obvious you´ll have to speak about what happened…." Emma nodded and dried her tears, "but for now let`s focus on you for a while… My impression about this first session is you have a lot to say, and i´m here to hear you out and help you with everything I can." Emma smiled as her confidence start to build again, "There are two things you should know about me. The first is that i´ve developed and interesting idea of how we should be working, which is to strengthen your confidence and help you overcome your feelings of guilt and ambivalence toward William. And the second is that I also specialize in sexology and I´d like to combine these two aspects in our analytical journey. As long as you agree…" Emma was a little surprised, but she nodded again, this time a little scared. "So Emma, after all we´ve been talking", Dr. Begler told her at the end of the session, "I believe this is a new beginning for you…. Looking for help is the first step for changing things and i want you to know this might get hard sometimes, but you need to remember the strong person you are." Emma smiled at her; the first session was quite good, as she felt supported. That was exactly was she was needing now.