Soulmates / I was Made for You
A/N: Prompt was in two parts. The first was the song "The Story" because of the musical episode. The second was a quote from The Notebook, which has always been one of my favorites.
Nicholas Sparks once wrote, "If two people are meant for each other, it doesn't mean they have to be together right now...but they will eventually."
That's how I felt about Calliope Torres. I know better now. Maybe some people don't need to be together now, but the two of us; we need to be together. I need us to be together. I will do anything to keep us together.
I learned my lesson from Africa. I felt like I was made to be with her, but I thought I could live without her. I thought we could move on. I thought we could be happy without each other. I truly did. I wouldn't have left if I didn't. I wouldn't have moved halfway across the world without her if I didn't.
And I left. I got on a plane and I left. I couldn't even bear to look back at her because I knew those tears were because of me. That awful pain in her eyes was because of me. And I couldn't look back because if I did, I would have to feel those things too. At that moment, all I wanted to feel was anger so I could convince myself we were doing the right thing. I knew we weren't. Correction, I knew I wasn't. I'm too damned stubborn for my own good sometimes. I panic in the moment and I call a situation completely wrong and even if I realize I'm wrong, I can't always back up. I can't always admit it.
There's nothing I wouldn't give to go back in time and do just that. There's nothing I wouldn't give to stop myself at the gate and make myself run back after my beautiful, beautiful girlfriend. To make myself tell her I'm sorry. To make myself mean it.
That's the problem. I didn't mean it. Not then. Not until I was clutching at my armrest, remembering how much I hate flights, and realizing Calliope always knew what to say to calm me down - but she wasn't there to say them. It wasn't until we touched down and I saw the beautiful sunrise, and she wasn't there to see it. It wasn't until I could see myself saving the tiny humans...and it meant nothing because she wasn't there. She wasn't there; and that's when I realized how truly sorry I was.
My life should have been perfect. Sometimes, it was. It felt good and it felt right to be in Malawi, to be helping so many kids. I could really see the difference I was making. It was rewarding and it made me feel good, but it didn't fill the empty hole in my gut. It didn't stop me from crying each and every time that I wanted to tell her something and I realized I couldn't.
I wanted to blame someone. I wanted to be able to kick and scream and yell and curse them for ruining my life; for stealing my love from me. The problem was, I couldn't do that. It was my fault. All I could do was kick and scream and yell and curse at myself. Yeah, I thought she was being a brat about going to Africa. She was worse than a child. But could I really blame her? I'd just sprung it on her out of no where with almost no time to prepare. There was no adjustment period. I should have realized what I was asking of her. It wasn't like moving to another city, or even another state. I was asking her to change every part of her life and everything about herself. I was asking her to put her own dreams on hold for me with nothing in return.
Nothing. That's what I felt like without her. It's like a piece of me was across the world. The biggest piece. The most important piece. The piece I need to stay sane.
Why had I been so dumb at the airport? Why did I have to be so damned stubborn? Why didn't I stop and think first?
I knew when I heard 'Yes' squeak out after being asked if I wanted to return home that this would not be easy. I knew it. But it would be harder living without her.
We're soulmates. I didn't used to believe in those, but I guess I should have. I should have known the first time I saw her. The beautiful brunette walked by, then stopped twenty feet away from me to talk to the doctor I'd heard referred to as McSteamy. She was captivating. Stunning beyond any adjectives. No words could describe the trance she put me into simply by existing. I couldn't explain it then and I can't explain it now, except to say, we must be soulmates.
I thought they were together, her and Mark, and I would never have a chance with her. I thought she was straight until I heard whispers of Erica Hahn. Until I saw her crying in the bathroom. Until I followed her and I kissed her.
That kiss. The kiss that changed my life. I tried to ignore it. I freaked out when she told me Erica was her first. I freaked out because I was afraid that she wasn't in for a relationship when I couldn't get her off my mind. I tried to be strong and let go. I tried to dimple it out. That's what my brother called it when I smiled instead of showing my feelings; dimpling it out. This was the first time it didn't work. She went and gave me a speech while I was on a date with another girl and any shot I had at forgetting about this stunning woman became little more than a fragment of hope drifting off into the ocean.
Calliope was everything to me. She was everything I'd been looking for. It was like I'd loved her all my life and just never known her face. It was like I'd been searching for her and she was the missing piece I didn't know was missing until I found it. Everything just felt so right.
Until it felt wrong. But even when we broke up the first time, I couldn't dimple it out. I couldn't stay away from her. That's how I had found myself pushing her against the elevator wall in a passionate, longing kiss. That's also how I found myself running away from her, fearing causing any more pain for either of us. Our reunion in the parking lot was the moment I felt whole again. I didn't think I was cut out for kids. I didn't want kids. I never wanted kids. But I wanted her. I wanted her to be happy with me. And suddenly, I wanted ten kids, as long as they were with her.
And then this stupid Africa thing came along. And stupid Arizona Robbins had to go off and prove she was a good man in a storm and could save tiny humans at her own expense. And stupid Arizona Robbins left her girlfriend crying in an airport. And stupid Arizona Robbins got on a plane and never looked back. And stupid Arizona Robbins thought she could come back here and make everything right with a speech. A speech. I broke her heart! I broke both our hearts! And I thought I could win her back with a speech.
I couldn't even blame her for closing the door in my face. Even if it felt like my heart was shattering, I couldn't blame her. I could only blame myself. I hate that. I'm never wrong. I never mess up. Well, almost never. Apparently I do mess up sometimes, and when I do, it's in the worst possible way.
"You look really pretty," I heard ringing around in my head. How was that all that could come out? Was that all I could say? That speech I'd practiced on the plane hundreds of times and I'd ended it with, "You look really pretty"? Really?
I stayed there all night outside her door. I left for maybe twenty minutes to take a shower and drop my stuff off in a hotel, then parked myself back outside that door. I had foolish hopes she would have changed her mind, and I lied to her and said I had left. I shouldn't have done that. I left once. I can't leave again. Mark told me that's my problem. The one useful thing he's ever done for me.
I bail when things get hard. I bail because I get scared. I bail and I freak out and I realize I was wrong and I come back. I always come back. I always come back for Calliope because every time I think I can live without her, I fail. Every time I leave her, I stop being able to imagine a life without her. So I need to stop leaving. I need to be there. I need her with me so I need to be with her. I need to be with her because if I'm not - if I leave again - then one day, she won't take me back.
That's why I stuck around this time. That's why I was there through midnight cravings and watching Mark give her foot rubs. That's why I made the stupid peanut butter sandwiches while they talked about baby names. That's why I love this baby even if her father thinks I'm nothing. That's why I've spent so many sleepless nights crying on her bedside. Because I stuck around and the feeling of losing her again, of not being able to get her back...it was too much. I stuck around and I still almost lost her. But I didn't.
I'm still afraid to lose her. Even when she's spending all her time with Mark, even when all she makes me do is cry. When she hurts me by choosing her best friend over me, I stick around because at least that pain is bearable. Not having her around, not being able to talk to her, to tell her things - no matter how mundane - that pain isn't bearable. That pain I can't live with. Maybe I needed to go to Malawi to learn that.
That's why I'll always stay now. That's why we're getting married and I will be dancing down the aisle. Because I love her. Because I feel broken without her. Because she's my soulmate.
We were made to be together and we will be together now. I'll make sure of that.
Reviews are love! Hope you enjoyed my little Arizona monologue.