Another response to the Kink MEME at livejournal. The original request: The boys are having a heated conversation over whether or not size matters, to which Sheldon ridicules their preoccupation. The boys then insist that he is only attempting to draw attention away from the fact that he must be...small. Penny is chosen to ascertain exactly what it is Sheldon is packing under the hood. Whether she does this covertly or the whole thing is out in the open is up to you, fair anon ;)
Penny is chosen to ascertain exactly what it is Sheldon is packing under the hood. Whether she does this covertly or the whole thing is out in the open is up to you, fair anon ;)
"I don't understand your preoccupation with the size of your penises." Sheldon said in a bored tone.
"Look, Sheldon, just because you have zero interest in coitus or whether your woman is satisfied with what you have under the hood, doesn't mean the rest of us shouldn't care. Procreation is important, even if it's not to you." Howard's voice was sharp.
"Has your 'woman'," he made the finger quotes, "indicated that she is dissatisfied with what you 'have under the hood'," and again with the air quotes.
"Well, no, but you saw that guy!"
"Perhaps Bernadette is unconcerned because the vagina is only sensitive within the outer six inches."
"Hey, I got more than…." Howard trails off.
"The point, Howard, is that *I* don't care, and would like for us to change the subject." He paused. "Please." He added as an afterthought.
"Wow, how little must you be packin' to want to change the subject?" Howard derided.
But Sheldon would not be drawn, merely shaking his head in bemusement. "I don't understand what difference the size of MY penis matters to you, even more than I don't understand about yours."
Leonard responded to this. "It's a measure of sexual prowess and from an evolutionary standpoint a larger penis would indicate a higher likelihood of impregnation."
"I see." He allowed, although he clearly still did not want to be involved in the conversation.
It was at this auspicious moment that Penny let herself into the apartment. She took in the expressions of the guys, and briefly considered leaving. "What's up, guys?"
"Penny, does size matter?" Howard asked her bluntly.
"What?" She replied, shocked. "Howard, so help me…."
"No, no, no. I'm trying to explain to Sheldon that it's not weird for a guy to care about the size of his penis."
She took a step back. "You boys are comparing penises? Or is it penii?"
"Either penises or penes is correct and no we certainly are not comparing them." Sheldon voice got Texas-y at the end of his sentence, a sure sign of distress.
"Yeah, 'cause Sheldon's packin' a teeny weiny." Howard went in for the kill.
With one last disdainful look, Sheldon left the room and marched himself to his bedroom.
Howard looked smug, Leonard looked vaguely amused, Raj looked thoughtful and Penny had a very odd expression on her face. "I thought you guys slept naked for warmth in the arctic. Don't you already know what he's 'packin''?" Penny also did the air quotes, which the others found a little disconcerting.
Then the meaning behind her words sunk in, and Howard and Raj turned betrayed eyes to Leonard. "You told her?" Howard demanded.
"Heat of the moment," he mumbled.
"Ah, during coitus." Howard allowed it to slide. "To answer your question, we all kept pretty well covered in that area, and Sheldon was on the outside facing away." A thought struck Howard. "Wow, he must be really little, he hid even then."
Penny shook her head. "Seriously, Howard, were you not here the day Leonard and Sheldon came back in their shorts? I think you're probably way off base."
"Prove it." Howard said.
"What?" Penny and Leonard cried together.
"Go in there and get him to show you. I'll take your word for it; I don't want to see it whatever size it is."
Penny narrowed her eyes at Howard and a still protesting Leonard. "It's not your concern, Leonard. Okay, Howard, say I do this, get him to show me the goods, and it's normal size and not small, you have to apologize to him for being so damned mean."
"Fair enough. And if it's small?" He asked with an evil grin.
"You say one word to him about it, and yours will be minus 2 inches, which we both know you can't spare." She glared at him, and he shrank (in all possible ways) under that look.
Penny shook her head at him and went to knock on Sheldon's door. "Sheldon, may I come in?"
The door slid slowly open, "what do you want Penny?"
"Just a few minutes of your time."
The door opened the rest of the way. About 25 minutes later, Penny came back out, looking a little dazed.
The guys, who had been waiting impatiently, stood as one. "Well?" Wolowitz demanded.
"We didn't really…we said small, we said average, but we didn't really cover…. Yeah, you should probably drop it, Howard."
"Why, what do mean?"
Penny took a deep breath. "You know how you call him an enormous dick?" Howard nodded. "Turns out, you were right."
She was humming a little as she strolled to the door. "Wait," Leonard said. She paused. "What took so long?"
A grin crossed Penny's face. "Had to make sure that it was all the way hard, didn't I?"
And with that she left four stunned scientists behind.
End….Unless someone wants the Bonus scene of Penny coaxing Sheldon to hardness. No? Okay then.