Title: It's All Haiku to Me
Summary: After helping Grace with her homework, Danny starts talking in haiku. Needless to say, Steve is not pleased. Can you say "bantering in haiku?" This is a silly one, just for fun, guys. :)
Warning: lots of bad haiku
Author's note #1: I apologize in advance to English teachers and anyone who is a good poet. As you will see, I am neither.
A/N#2: Thanks to cokie316 for the beta. And I apologize for getting haiku stuck in your head, too.
I wrote this story,
Who knows why? Someone get me
A large, padded room.
Steve leaned on the computer table as he flipped through the files on the screen. They had just gotten a new case. A body had been dumped at Hickam Air Force base earlier that morning and the Governor called Steve and asked 5-0 to investigate. HPD had emailed over what little information they had.
Steve was still reviewing the HPD files when Danny strolled into the office a few minutes later, smiling. He looked unusually chipper for a Monday morning, and Steve wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not. There was only one way to find out.
"Hey, Danny," Steve called, lifting his head minutely.
Danny walked over to the table, still smiling. He looked down at the computer screen and said,
"Look at you, Steven,
already working today.
Ready to fight crime?"
Steve raised himself up from the table, put his hands on his hips, and frowned. This was definitely a bad sign. "What's up with you?" he asked.
"Why do you think something is up?" Danny replied, innocently.
"Well, you're smiling, for one," Steve said, pointing to Danny, "and you never smile on Monday mornings. Plus, you're talking funny."
Danny shrugged and replied,
"One man's funny talk
Is to another man, art.
You need more culture."
Steve tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, looking at Danny, incredulously. "Was that a haiku?" he asked.
Danny kept smiling. "Yeah, it was."
"Why on earth are you talking in haiku?" Steve asked.
"Well, I had Grace this weekend and she had to write haiku for homework," Danny explained. "And, after a while, counting syllables just rubs off on you. It really is contagious. You don't even have to think about it anymore, it just starts coming to you. So, if you don't like the way I'm talking today, you can blame the great state of Hawaii for that. Goodness knows, I do."
"Haiku are Japanese, not Hawaiian." Steve countered, still frowning.
"True," Danny nodded. "But only in Hawaii would they ask 8 year olds to write haiku. This never would have happened back home.
Back in New Jersey,
writing haiku is one way
to get beat up fast."
Steve rolled his eyes. "It's going to be a long day, isn't it?" he said.
"Maybe." Danny grinned.
"Great. Well, that answers the talking funny question. But why are you so happy? I'd think having haiku stuck in your brain would drive you crazy."
"Well, it did, at first." Danny nodded. "I mean, after all, there are only so many versions of
Mister Hoppy sits
on the green grass of our yard
eating a carrot
That one man can endure. Can you believe that's the kind of crap Rachel had Grace writing?"
"Well, that is kind of sweet," Steve replied, shrugging.
"Perhaps," Danny acknowledged, tilting his head. "But after an hour of listening to that, you just want to off yourself. Not in front of Grace, of course," Danny continued, holding up his hands. "But it is enough to drive a man to his gun. And then, after a few… suggestions... from me, she started getting better at it. And the one she turned in this morning was actually pretty good. Do you want to hear it?"
"Do I have a choice?" Steve asked.
"Not really." Danny grinned and then opened up his hands, as if he had reached the punch line to a joke. "So, here it goes-
My poor Uncle Steve
needs lots and lots of backup.
Danno told me so."
Steve scrunched up his face, irritated. "That's what Grace wrote? You're kidding me, right?" he huffed.
Danny looked at Steve and laughed.
"Nope, that's the truth. And by the way," Danny said, pointing to Steve's face,
freezes forever. Didn't
your mom tell you that?"
Steve scowled and crossed his arms. "You know what, Danny? Why don't you just go ahead and take the day off. You can count it as a sick day."
"But I'm not sick." Danny lifted his shoulders, grinning.
"Oh, no, I disagree," Steve replied.
"Good morning, guys," Chin said, walking into the 5-0 headquarters.
"Hey Chin," Steve called out, "how would you like to partner with Danny today?"
"Fine by me," Chin answered, walking over to the computer table and joining them. "What's up?"
Danny grinned, gestured at Steve, and said,
Are not into poetry.
Too uptight, they are."
"Hey," Chin grinned, "that's a haiku, right? I love haiku."
"Great," Steve rolled his eyes and shook his head. "You two are definitely paired up for the day."
"You don't like haiku?" Chin asked, looking at Steve.
"Steve doesn't like it when I talk like a poet laureate," Danny smirked.
"No," Steve corrected, tersely, "I don't like it when you talk like Yoda."
Danny grinned, put his hands in his pockets, and said,
"Danny and Yoda
Are a lot like each other.
Both are very wise."
"Very nice, Danny." Chin laughed and then continued,
Is just full of surprises.
Next he'll quote Shakespeare."
Steve looked up at the ceiling and pressed his hands together in prayer. "Please, dear God, no," Steve implored.
"Morning, guys," Kono chirped happily as she walked in. She briefly stopped in her office to set her bag down on her desk.
"Kono, please tell me you don't like haiku," Steve called to her, begging.
"Nah, man. I love haiku," she replied, coming back out of her office and walking over to the table. "I even won a haiku writing contest when I was in little kid in school. Why do you ask?"
"We've been talking in haiku and it's been driving Steve crazy," Danny said. "I think he was hoping you would be on his side."
"Ahhh… I see," Kono said, nodding. She thought for a moment and then said,
"Steve prefers not the
gentle rain of spring, but the
loud rain of gunfire."
"Whoa! She shoots, she scores! Way to go, Rookie!" Danny exclaimed proudly, holding his right hand up in the air.
"Nice one, cuz," Chin replied, smiling, as Kono laughed and high-fived Danny.
"Unbelievable," Steve muttered, shaking his head. Then he looked at his team and said, "All three of you are riding together today. I'll drive my truck. Alone."
"Oh, come on, Boss," Kono said, grinning, "speaking in haiku is fun."
"No, speaking in haiku is not fun." Steve replied, emphatically. "Drinking a few beers and watching a good football game is fun. Listening to open mike night at Danny's Coffee House and Poetry Shack is definitely not fun."
"Ok." Danny grinned. "Just for you, we'll give it a rest. At least for now."
Steve nodded once, looked down, and blew out a large breath. "Thank you."
"So, what do we have going on today?" Kono asked, looking down at the screen.
Steve pointed to an image on the computer table, and said,
"This morning, we got
a new case. Max will meet us
at the Air Force base."
Steve lifted his eyes up from the computer screen to look at his team.
Danny raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips together. Chin grinned and Kono tried, unsuccessfully, to stifle a laugh.
"What?" Steve asked, raising himself up from the table.
"Oh, nothing," Danny said, shaking his head and smirking.
Steve looked pointedly at Chin and Kono. "Why are you smiling and laughing?"
"No reason, Boss," Chin said, still grinning. Kono covered her mouth with her hand and shook her head, unable to stop laughing.
Steve frowned and furrowed his brows together, thinking. After a moment, a look of realization dawned on his face. He crossed his arms over his chest, shifted his weight onto his right hip, and scowled at Danny.
"Yes, Steven?" Danny asked, raising his eyebrows.
Steve narrowed his eyes at Danny and pursed his lips.
"I can see the wheels turning in your head. So, just go ahead and spit it out." Danny continued, smiling broadly.
Steve frowned at the ground for a moment and continued shifting his weight back and forth.
Finally, he looked back up at Danny, glared, and said,
"Crap. Now you've got me
talking in haiku with you.
You really do suck."
Danny laughed loudly and clapped Steve on the shoulder. "Welcome to the club, partner."
"I think you deserve some bonus points, Boss," Kono choked out, finally able to talk. "You actually managed to get some rhyming going on, too."
"I hate you so much," Steve said, still glaring at Danny.
"Hey! That's my line," Danny replied, still laughing.
"Well, what can I say? You're starting to rub off on me," Steve scowled.
"Obviously," Danny snickered.
Chin smiled. "All right, guys. I guess it's time we got started on the case. Kono and I will go meet with up Max. Are you coming with us, Danny?"
Danny looked at Steve and raised his eyebrows. "Well? Am I still banished?"
"Nah, you can ride with me," Steve sighed, resigned. "The damage has already been done."
"There's no need to thank me," Danny said, smiling.
"You're right," Steve grumbled, "there's no need."
Chin grinned as he and Kono headed towards the door. "Ok, guys, we'll see you there."
Steve grabbed the car keys and followed, walking out of the office with Danny.
As they started down the stairs, Steve sighed, shook his head, and took his gun out of his holster. He held the gun out to Danny and said,
"A very long day,
This will be. Here, take my gun
And please just shoot me."
"Hey, you rhymed another one!" Danny beamed.
A/N: ok, guys, you asked for more, so I've written a sequel to this story, titled "It's All Haiku to Me, Too." I posted it on May 4, 2011. So, if you liked this one, please check it out.