AN: This is an experiment in self-mocking fanfiction ridiculousness.
PS: Every other paragraph is written by my Beta and I in turns. As we will be going through this quickly there will likely be a number of typos we hope you can forgive. Hope you like. :)
The majority of Snape's life was nothing but a string of failures, humiliations, and disappointments. He was poor, forced to wear nothing but hand-me-downs, half of which were from his mother, and was horribly skinny and unkempt. He was born as an outcast, dismissed and abused by everyone he knew with one exception. Lily, the only other gifted human being he knew besides his uncaring mother, had shown him kindness in a cruel world, but her naiveté and optimism kept her at odds with the boy who knew far too much of the evils of the world to ever be so easily deceived. Despite all this, however, he still had something in his future which had given him hope, somewhere he could go to finally find others like himself, somewhere he could belong. Somewhere called Hogwarts, but as his luck would have it, this place proved to be the greatest disappointment of all.
He was forced into classes with complete dunderheads who knew so little of potions and hexes it was any wonder that they had ever been allowed within the walls of the school in the first place. His only consultation was that he had been placed in Slytherin house, but even that mild joy fled quickly when he discovered that he would still be forced into class rooms with children from the other houses. Most were just generic fools, struggling with magic and just growing into their young, cruel minds. But none, none at all compared to the small troupe of bumbling Gryffindor who pulled upon themselves the weighty task of making his every day more miserable than the last.
He was still an outcast, and those four red and gold stripped morons made sure to remind him of it. Although he knew at least a dozen ways to hex them into oblivion, the death or disembowelment of another student would surely mean expulsion, and even though school was unpleasant, it was still a far cry better than being at home. Here, he was free to study and progress in his art. Here he could become someone of note, someone worth respecting and fearing. Until then, he would just have to get by. Though why his brain hadn't won him the praise of his peers was beyond him.
He suffered through years of torment from the other students, though many times it was difficult to not just poison those four boys who called themselves Marauders and finally be free of their idiocy and cruelness. He knew that putting up with them was nothing more than a way to prove that he truly was superior to them, even if he was the only one who knew it. He did his best until his sixth year of school when their little games had gone too far and Snape had almost died in the secret tunnels beneath the whomping willow. Not only had it been a deliberate attempt on his life by one Sirius Black, but he had gotten away with it. The injustice was too much. Snape, who had remained passive for so long could not allow the boys to continue their torments.
Seventh year was going to be different. He had finally gotten the proof he needed, proof that the sickly Lupin was indeed a werewolf as he had known all along, but that interfering idiot, Dumbledore had made his swear it to secrecy. That didn't mean, however, that he couldn't reveal the Marauder's secrets in some other way. If say, a few pictures of the four boys breaking curfew on a full moon happened to find their way into the wrong hands, it wouldn't be his fault if said third party spilled the beans. No, of course it wouldn't, and no one would have any proof he had taken the snapshots in the first place.
So it was on the night of a beautiful full moon that he crept out of his dormitory with a camera in hand and followed the horrible boys into the depths of the forbidden forest. He kept his wand aloft, its tip glowing dimly in the gloom. He could hear the 'marauders' bumbling about in the brush, snapping twigs and disturbing sleeping birds. He readied his camera and moved with stealth closer to the sounds.
In the quiet of the night, Severus did his best to remain silent, but the summer had left the trees dry and brittle, and the forest floor was littered with old twigs. Suddenly, the voices ahead of him were gone, replaced by the sounds of running and the exited barking of some random stray dog. He stood more upright to see where the group had disappeared to, but saw only a glimpse of a buck running from the feral canine before they dashed off into the trees away from him. To his dismay, there was no sign of the group he had been trailing after, but he knew they couldn't be too far, so he continued his pursuit, trying to find any clue to show him where the others had gone. Sadly, it wasn't long before Severus realized he was completely lost.
He decided to count his losses for the night, or at least when it came to the forest. He would try and make his way back to school and wait for the boys to return to campus, he could always catch them then. However, lost was still lost and he could not tell what direction the school was even in. He turned in slow circles until one direction looked as good as another and started back to where he hoped he would find those familiar walls.
Hours passed and he still hadn't seen anything that looked familiar. By that time has was worn and tired, his feet aching from the long trek and constantly second guessing on which path to take, and the strange sounds seemed to follow him through the winding trees. Twigs snapped on both sides of him, in front of him, and behind him as though he were surrounded by some invisible menace. Then, all at once, the forest was bright with the sun's light forcing him to shield his night sensitive eyes. He could see the end of the trees now and the small disheveled shack just beyond, but for the life of him he couldn't remember how he got there. Had he fallen asleep and somehow kept on walking? If that were the case, it was nothing short of a miracle that he managed to find his way back to the castle grounds without being harmed.
With day time already come, he knew that he had somehow even missed his chance of intercepting the Marauders at the school gate. He stumbled wearily down to the Slytherin dorms, set aside his camera and quickly fell asleep, hoping to get in a hour or so worth of real sleep before breakfast.