Alright readers, welcome to my new series: The Review Board. Basically, it's a world where there is a board - the Review Board of Fictional Characters - and they have the responsibility of explaining the executive decisions to the characters. Basically, they're explaining to the wonderful world of doctors why DS abandoned all character integrity for cheap humour.
House and Cuddy entered the conference room first, clutching cups of Starbucks and paying no attention to Wilson who was trailing along behind them. House took his seat in the middle of the right side of the table, Cuddy seated to his right, Wilson on his left. They were mad and not in the mood to screw around.
After being called for an emergency meeting, the three central characters watched as Foreman and Chase filed in and took their respective seats. All were dressed in suits, apart from Cuddy, who was wearing a crisp white shirt and official black pencil skirt. Taub and Thirteen scuttled in last, the low men (and women) on the House MD totem pole.
With the right side of the table kitted out with the spine of the greatest show on television, a group of four people - dressed as ominously as the cast members - entered the room and sat across from them. "Good morning," one said. "We are the Review Board of Fictional Characters. You're here, as I assume you know, for your annual update."
The doctors rolled their eyes. They'd done this before.
"First," they pointed to Taub. "You know we're loving you at the moment."
"Really?" Taub said drolly. "I'd never have guessed."
"We're giving you a baby," another added. "So we can all rejoice at the prospect of more Taub screen time."
Cuddy sat forward on her elbows, giving her best administrative face. "In all seriousness," she began, "you need to get Huddy back together."
"She's right," Wilson agreed. "The ratings have only been sinking since Bombshells - the last two episodes were the lowest since episode seven of season one!" Cuddy nodded in agreement. House just twirled his cane in his hands, looking bored.
"I too think you should reunite us," he said after a tense moment, voice slow and calculated. "Now I don't get to spend my time not having sex with the sexiest woman on television."
"Amen to that," Chase whistled. "He was with her for almost a year and we got no more than four make out scenes! What is with that?" He banged his fist angrily on the table. "I've been having all my random sex with crazy minors for the last season - I look to Huddy for my dose of actual relationship!"
"I have a real relationship!" Taub protested.
"No one cares about you," Cuddy sneered. "I should fire you to cut your screen time. You know they don't really care about you, right?"
"He just said - " Taub started, but House intercepted.
"What do you think they said to Masters?" House revealed. "One minute: Oh we love you. Next minute: You're out."
"She couldn't handle working for you!" Taub replied fruitlessly.
"Keep believing that," House raised an eyebrow, stunning Taub to silence. "They're right," House continued. "You need to get the Huddy back on - not just to save your ratings, but to rectify your mistakes. Come on, Cuddy getting so pissed over a toothbrush? Talk about OOC alert."
"Tell me about it!" Cuddy agreed. "I couldn't give a flying fuck about toothbrushes! Seriously, you break million dollar MRIs and I don't turn a hair but using my toothbrush? Yeah, that's where I'll flip out." House held up his hand and Cuddy gave him an exuberant high five.
The Review Board stiffened. "We know you like Huddy - "
"We love Huddy," House and Cuddy said together.
"But, there are things that must be considered," TRB (The Review Board) continued. "Like, for instance, House having a one-dimensional spiral into darkness that is making viewers turn off their screens. That was necessary."
"You know what else is necessary?" Wilson burst in. "Me getting some decent story lines! They get smallpox recurrences and previous marriages and I get a diabetic cat? I'm better than that. I'm a nice, smart, good looking guy who's a doctor and yet I can't get laid? In the real world, a guy like me would have a wife and three kids by now. Give me something - just not diseased animals."
"There goes our infected circus episode," one suit whispered to another.
"What about me?" Foreman started.
"Shut it, Eric," TRB chastised. "Until you show us that you have more than one facial expression we can't do anything with you. At the moment, you're just around to facilitate Taub's character development. You'll be hearing the word Godfather very soon," TRB told him. "Baby RaTau will make its appearance as soon as we're done with Taub's other riveting story lines."
"Might as well call it Taub MD," House grumbled to Cuddy.
"It's got a nice ring," Taub hissed back.
"Too bad - does the House in House MD not give you enough of a clue? It's my show," House shot back, and Taub shrank back in his seat. "The last two episodes have been about Thirteen and Masters, but no me. I'll start using this as a weapon, you know," he threatened, holding out his cane.
"We gave you your own monster truck!" TRB yelled, outraged.
"You didn't let me keep it!" House countered.
"Give me a break," Thirteen scoffed. "I've been gone for year - I deserve my own episode."
"Where you're sharing a bed with my man," Cuddy spat. "Watch it, bitch. You may think you're hard but I could take you."
"Really?" Thirteen accepted. "Fight me then." She challenged, getting up with Cuddy doing the same.
"Ladies!" Wilson stepped in. "No fighting. Not during a meeting... Cuddy, you're better than that."
"Stupid unmoving face," Cuddy muttered. "Doesn't deserve anything..."
"Anyway," Thirteen continued. "It's not like you wrote anything interesting. After all the drugs, partying and dangerous sex I do I end up in prison for the disease that not only has no symptoms yet but also is my main character point on the show? Freaky."
"Don't be an ingrate," Wilson replied. "I must have been on screen for ten minutes, tops, the entire season!"
"I'm only around to facilitate him!" Foreman shouted, pointing accusingly to Foreman. "After seven loyal years, how do you think that feels?"
House turned to Cuddy. "Let's stop this madness. Wanna have sex?" He asked.
"Oh God yes," Cuddy breathed, leaping out of her seat and straddling him in his chair. The rest of the characters and The Review Board all stopped and stared, watching the two of them kissing and grinding.
House broke away from the kiss for a second to look at them. "You and the writers can do what you want," he said proudly. "But no matter what you do us, Huddy will triumph!" He then went back to kissing the love of his life and TRB went back to try and save the remnants of the greatest show on TV.