title: why my heart soars, i do not know

pairing: beck&tori, beck&jade, beck&cat

summary: if you were wondering.

inspiration: This was inspired by three songs: "Something to Believe In" by Aqualung, "El Monte" by Girl In A Coma, and "Headlights Look Like Diamonds" by Arcade Fire. Coincidently, it ends up that none of them are all on one electronic device so I'm in a permanent switch around to get them all when I need them. AND I WAS ALSO DEAD BORED IN FLORIDA AND I THOUGHT OF THIS:D

author's note: Fuuuuudge it. I'm not coming back y'all – I just cracked. I needed me some Beck/Tori on this damn archive. Hopefully this will enthuse y'all to write some more of these lovely two. Anywaaaays, enjoy.

I feel really weird writing Fan Fiction. Honestly. And also, I have no idea what the fuck I'm writing. Okay. What am I even?


"You talk too much. Maybe that's your way of breaking up the silence that fills you up."

- Aqualung

"I do, I do, I do."

- Girl In A Coma

"The red lights mean you're leaving, the white ones mean returning."

- Arcade Fire


throw your head back. laugh. that's right, you are happy. you are whole.

your eye makeup is dark - hoods your eyes in the darkly lit ballroom. you meet his sparkling eyes and choke on your champagne.

he mouths hello at you and really, it must've been the multiple drinks - you go outside on the balcony and you probably threw up on someone - but you really just can't give a damn.

you're falling - breaking - no, you're completely fine - food poisoning, really.

his eyes glitter when you stumble in - amusement, loneliness.

you flip him off, leave the room.

remember when you were the good one - oh, little tori vega - we always thought you'd make it shine but you never did.


this doesn't mean anything. he is using you - quickly push him away - he doesn't love you. don't listen to his words.

toritoritori, he sings.

isn't it funny you're the singer and he's the actor when really the roles should be reversed?

shut up, you breathe and he does.

i wish you could love me, you whisper.

i do though, he says. i do.

i do, you say, how fucking ironic.

he pushes into you and you forget to be angry.

repetition my dear, this is all just a song on repeat.


scream. say something and stop being a coward. YELL.

does anyone object?

a laugh trickles from your throat and you're grabbing the pew - why are they even having it in a church when he doesn't believe in god anymore - is it hot in here?

her hair shines in the fluorescent lights and her dress is so perfect and it's exactly like a cupcake - she's so beautiful and you're not you're ugly - that's what blue eyed girls say to you before they leave their princes – YOU'RE UGLY.

wrists printed with that word: ugly ugly - muddy with blood - ugly ugly ugly.

you want to scream it, HE DOESN'T LOVE ME BECAUSE I AM UGLY.

but something tells you that it isn't about you - maybe just the way that you will never be blue eyed and your hair is not the color of cupcakes - and maybe that's just the end of that.

when he kisses her, people cheer.

you swear he looks for you - his eyes singing one of those sad songs he used to sing you when your tears would keep you up.


tori, please pick up my wedding dress? we're the same size. please?

sure, you say, because you really are too kind and you love the red headed girl even though you really do – want to hate her that is.

you go to the store and you put on a dress - it's black.

you stand in front of the mirror by yourself. you have no loving family to smile at you.

you look gorgeous, a saleswoman says, i bet your husband will be stunned.

oh, you say, i'm not getting married.

the woman's head falls to one side.

i'm just fucking the groom.


close your eyes, he says. it's a new night and i love you.

this is where you smile bright and dazzling and your teeth brush against his ear. you could stay. you two could live in sync until your hearts and your breath start to follow each other. he wouldn't play catch me if you can because you two could hold each other in the barren cold night.

he stays silent, quiet and unmoving. i live for you, but i breathe for her.

you stay quiet as a mouse and say, okay.

and when he rises from your bed in the middle of the night – when he thinks you are still asleep – tears fall from your cheeks like snowflakes falling down on a forgotten path.


you're running to the hospital with a bleeding girl and you're crying, dripping newly applied mascara on her porcelain skin.

you run inside and you are greeted by doctors and nurses and before you know it you're falling down down down.


you don't buy the black dress - it's only reminding you of a blue-eyed girl.

hi red, you say, I found a beautiful dress. It looks just like a cupcake.

you can practically hear her smile across the phone and you can't hate her no matter how hard you try.


prince charming, you yell out, where are you?

you close your eyes when your finger chooses. and when you see it's landed on new york, you cry.

on the floor, you see brazil and you say, okay, and then you pack.


once upon a time, when you were in your first year at hollywood arts, you said, i wish beck and his blue eyed love would break up.

but this - this is not what you wanted.


where are you?

i'm looking for someone who cares.

when will you learn tori - i love you.

maybe, you whisper, that's not enough anymore.

fuck - tori. come to new york. I want to see you.

no, you say, but then you hit reserve ticket and hey- your things were never really unpacked anyway.


andré picks you up at the gate with his girlfriend. you hug them both and you kind of want to scream - you fuck everything up because there is a ring on her finger. this is not fair.

andré was your second chance and now he's just a reminder.


you live in brooklyn and every day you take the subway in and you are scared - because beck used to say his favorite thing about the city was the subway. but

you really can't afford to do anything else.

one day, you walk on to the subway and you see a man with hair that falls into his eyes and warm brown eyes and you want to scream - this is too much really.

i'm peter, he smiles. you can see hope in his smile.

would you like to go out to dinner with me? he asks.

you surprise yourself by saying yes.

(now come on - did you really think she wouldn't?)


you get your first role. you'll be playing a singer who has lost everything - and come on, it's overdone but you can tell this one is different.
a boy with smiling eyes greets you.

long time, no see, he says before twirling you in the air.

i missed you, you whisper in his hair.

that night he brings you to a fancy hotel and you two talk all night - ordering chinese food and then he looks at you and you two are ripping each other's clothes off and you get sweet and sour sauce in your hair - but you don't really care at all.

the doctors tell you that you were too late. they hand you her ring and they let you cry before they leave you.

(you roll the ring in your fingers, and inside, the inscription says: my blue eyed beauty.)

you heave your lunch into the trash and you think – a little less weight.

(you're so jaded –

no, don't say that word. it's a taboo – you think.)

you go out with peter and laugh at all his jokes and you date him for four months and he proposes - always early for things.

no, you say.

he nods, and you never see him again.

when you stop filming - he puts his ring on.

oh, you say.


(you saw beck's face on a billboard- but that's not why you said no - if you were wondering.)

it all starts with a blue eyed girl who hates you. she calls you up and asks you to meet her at skybucks. she buys you coffee and then she tells you she's marrying beck.

you sputter and drop coffee on your new shirt.

(you don't forget to note the irony.)


i didn't know you were engaged, you whisper.

he is under the covers, taking off your dress. you are panting. (you think, why did i have to question him now?)

yes, he says. he says this proudly before he rips off your dress and you flinch because it's gucci but then he's making you scream – and really it doesn't matter.

you'll replace it soon enough, and you can't replace beck because beck is irreplaceable.


beck never asks where the blue eyed girl's ring went.

you guess he didn't really love her all that much.


hello, he says into the phone.

you don't answer.

you must've seen the article…, he says uncomfortably.

you want to throw up. it aches your stomach until you're gasping for air.

tori, i really love you.

and your brain betrays you because you yell into the phone, well i'm always your goddamn plan b and never your wife, aren't i?

you hang up and loneliness feels fresh on your tongue – is this a good thing?


why are you marrying him – when i know you don't love him? you ask.

her blue eyes dance, because darling tori, if you have beck – you would've won.


you are shaken awake and red dances around your face.

tori! she screams.

you rub your eyes, and wonder where she got a key because the only one who has a key is beck – but he hasn't been coming around as often as he used to.

you smile, hi.

before you know it, you're being dragged into your kitchen, and you are looking at a giant ring.

fuck, you whisper.

she doesn't hear you – or maybe she does. she's not as stupid as she acts – sometimes.


red. you smell it when you walk in. you run to the bathroom and you're looking into almost lifeless eyes.

i found the letters, she says.

and she carves the last letter and she's screaming but she's laughing and crying and you're wanting to throw up – grabbing her.

i didn't mean for it to end this way, you say.

she laughs, i did.


she's cremated before beck can say anything else – and you're so happy she is because you don't think he would be able to breathe if he saw her wrists.


that word haunts you with every breath you take because you know every breath is one she doesn't get to have.


red as blood.

fast forward two years and he's getting remarried, blue eyes dark hair to red hair and brown warm eyes.

(and there you are, on the sideline watching and aching to be a part of a game that never ever ends.

it's not her fault you were always left out of playground games, is it? only this time, this is not a child's game.)


blue beauty's wedding dress was black. and you always remember the way it made you sad – only now it makes you sick.


dear tori,

why my heart soars, i do not know

but a million of your kisses would not

last me a lifetime

i love you.



you are on the subway, looking at underground graffiti and rats. you notice that someone sits down next to you but you don't really react. you're tired. you're done. you've been denied a role for the fourth time this month.


you turn quickly to the side and there he is – same as ever. same warm eyes and long hair that tickles his chin.

you throw yourself in his arms and you stay there.

you feel warm once more.


tori! a red head trills.

oh my god! how are you? you gush.

the red head smiles and then her mouth drops, i'm good. things are a bit weird but, i'm good.

you nod and wrap your arms around your friend.

tori, she whispers, he doesn't love me.

you stare at her lifeless eyes and her weak posture and you know what she's going to say next and you run away – get lost in the crowds.

(you congratulate yourself with a pretzel.)


dearest beck,

atlas held the world on his shoulders

and you hold a ring on your finger

- now tell me, which is the biggest burden?

love always,



you push down your dress as you walk in. only one drink to bear the pain.

(you swear you can see a blue eyed girl in a black wedding dress wink at you but when you turn back, she is gone.)

you grab a champagne glass and knock it back again and again till the lights turn pretty colors.


you notice his finger is bare, and so you ask him to dinner.

i'd love to, he says.

and something about the way his eyes smile and your heart soars, tells you this time, it will be different.


tori, you read, fuck yourself. love beck for me. from, jade


in the end, you two get a sheet of paper and you both sign it with your names before you make love in his bed.

it works.