I skimmed through an old book off my bookshelf while I was "grounded" for the night. Carlisle and Esme were still mad about my suicide attempt and were fearful I might try it again. Their fear was irrational. Bella is alive and well. I have no intention to end my life. I put the book back where it belongs. Although I understand Carlisle and Esme's intentions, I couldn't help feel annoyed that they forbid me to see Bella for the rest of the night. Sure, I have spent half the night at her house as soon as I brought her back home. Then we sneaked out to my house and voted on the issue of whether Bella should be a vampire or not. As much as I hoped, the votes were in her favor not mine, and now my beautiful, little angel will be cold and immortal forever. A thought that disturbs me and yet excites me. As I was about to bring Bella home, Carlisle pulled me aside and in a low but deep voice, he instructed me only to bring Bella home and comeback since I am now "grounded" for the night. I was annoyed at Carlisle's instructions, but I can understand why.
Bella is my life and soul. She is what keeps me alive, makes me see the light in my dark and tragic existence. My soul may be damned to hell, but Bella's theology of a vampire soul and heaven makes even me foolishly hope that I, too, will go to heaven. Bella has my heart completely, and I have hers. Yet, I even though I love her with all my heart, I don't even want to think of her as an immortal creature – a monster! Carlisle damned my soul to hell. Why should I damn my love's soul to hell, too? Still, there is one good thing about Bella becoming a vampire: we will be together forever. That thought excites me.
I heard a knock on my door. "Can I come in?" I recognized it to be Emmett's voice.
"Sure," I asked uncertainly. What would Emmett want from me at one in the morning? We have very little in common.
Emmett opened my door, and with my vampire, night vision, I could make out his facial features. What startled me was that my goofy, tough looking, big brother wore the expression of a sad, vulnerable child. This does not suit Emmett so I probed into his mind to see what the matter was. But it was useless since Emmett has been doing a wonderful job of hiding his thoughts from me.
Finally, he spoke. "Umm Edward? I was wondering. I mean, I know you love Bella and all. I get that. Bella is to you what Rosalie is to me, so when you thought Bella died, it must have seemed like the end of the world to you. But when you were about to expose yourself to the sunlight in hopes that the Volturi would kill you, didn't you think about us? I mean Bella is your soulmate, but we're your family. Didn't you care about us?" Emmett's face was as close to tears as a vampire could get to.
I thought about what Emmett said. Emmett was scared that I didn't love him and the rest of our coven. He was afraid that Bella has replaced our family in my heart. Emmett and I have very little in common. Actually, Jasper and I have more in common than I do with Emmett. Still, Emmett and I are closer. He may be intimidating and extremely muscular, but he is the joker of the family, always eager to make everyone and me laugh. It's been a joke that Emmett is the favorite brother of mine. Truthfully, I'm starting to think that is true. It hit me that, growing up, Emmett never had any younger siblings. I was the little brother he always wanted so when I decided to kill myself, he must have felt devastated and even hurt. I remembered that at first he harbored resentment towards Bella. He said it was because that Bella was human and not one of us, but what if Emmett was lying? What if Emmett was really resentful because in his eyes, Bella was replacing him in my heart and attention span? I remember how Emmett taught me how to play football and many a times we bonded over that sport. A memory that I will always treasure.
I looked at his face again and saw the deep agony in his eyes. I smiled reassuringly and said, "Emmett, I do care about you, Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, and even Rosalie. I guess that I have been so alone for so long that when I finally met Bella, it was like that all the loneliness was filled in with companionship and love. When I thought Bella died, the loneliness came back, and it hurt so much that I just had to get rid of it. And the only way to do that was to kill myself."
"But you had us. No matter what, we will always be there for you."
It feels as though I'm the older brother and Emmett is the younger brother instead of the other way around, but technically, I'm the older brother since I am one hundred eight-years-old while Emmett is only seventy-four–years–old. "You're right. You guys are always there for me. I guess that my loneliness needed to be filled by a lover not a family member. That and I guess I just forgot that. You do realize that you and I will always be best buds no matter what, right?"
Emmett smiled. "Yeah, I guess so. But you have to swear something."
"What?" I tried to read his mind to see where this was going, but to no avail. He and the rest of the coven are getting good at hiding their thoughts from me.
"You have to swear that no matter what happens even if Bella truly did die, that you would never try to take your life again. If you do, I swear to God, I will either call a hotline for suicidal people or fight you until you can no longer carry out your plan for your own death. I'll hand it right to ya if you try to pull that stunt again."
"Alright, I swear."
"That's not good enough. First of all, you have to do a spit shake, and then swear. Also, just to make sure you really mean it, you have to swear on the Holy Bible, too."
I rolled my eyes. "Fine."
Emmett and I spit venom into the palms of our hands and then shook hands. "I swear I will never try to commit suicide no matter what."
"Alright, good. Now for part two." Emmett grabbed a bible from my room and held it in from of me. "Place your right hand on the Bible."
Normally, I wouldn't do this sort of thing. Actually, I wouldn't even do the spit shake, but I knew how deeply hurt and scared Emmett felt so I did it anyway.
"Do you swear never to try to take your own life or have anyone help you to commit suicide no matter what the circumstance? So help you God." Emmett said. He sounded like one of those lawyers who have their clients swear to tell the truth in court.
"Good," Emmett said and then put the Bible back. "By the way, you wanna play some football tomorrow. Just you and me. We haven't had much time to do anything together since Bella came along."
I smiled. "Sure. That would be great. Maybe you can teach me some new methods of getting the ball to the other teams' goal."
"Sure. I have tons of tricks memorized, and all of them have worked."
"Great." I'm glad Emmett was starting to feel better.
Emmett shifted his right foot through my rug. "Well. I guess, I better leave since you're grounded and all."
"Only metaphorically," I protested.
"Whatever," Emmett said as he left. "I'll see you later so tell your girlfriend that you won't be seeing her today. You got to help calm your nearly hysteric older brother who's just recovering from the shock of his younger brother's attempted suicide."
I rolled my eyes. "Very funny, Emmett. Keep it up, and I just might not show up for our little game."
Emmett gasped. "You wouldn't?"
"I would so keep your mouth shut if I were you."
"Fine," Emmett grumbled and headed out my room.
"Oh, Emmett?" I called out.
"I love you. You know that, right? I'll always love you even if I did try to die because of a broken heart." I don't think any of us within this family has ever mouthed the words "I love you" to one another. We all just knew it.
Emmett smiled in a warm and loving but pleased kind of way. "I love you, too, little brother."
And with that he left.