Hey everyone! This is my first one-shot, so sorry if it's a little shaky. This is what I think Sam went through after having to bury Dean once the deal was up. Enjoy!
"Sam...I think it's time to go. There's nothing else left to do." Bobby Singer consoled in a gentle voice. He watched as the distraught young man stood over the freshly dug grave, staring at the ground with tears cascading down his face.
"No." Sam responded in barely a whisper, pure agony leaking from that single word.
"Listen son, I understand what your going through but-" Bobby began, but Sam cut him off before he could continue.
Bobby closed his eyes and shook his head slowly. There was no getting through to Sam when he was in this mental state.
Bobby took a deep breath before continuing.
"But it's getting late. You can come back to my place and stay for a while. Come on son, theres nothing left for you to do here." Bobby finished in a soft voice.
But Sam refused to move.
His knees buckled under him as he stared at the six foot hole he had just filled in. Inside the hole laid the most important person in the entire world to him.
But that person was gone. And Sam couldnt help but feel that it was all his fault.
"No." Sam replied, almost robotically.
He was the one who was stupid enough to think that Jake wouldnt betray him back in Cold Oak, South Dakota. He was the one who had turned his back and ended up getting stabbed. He was the one at fault for pushing Dean off the edge and making him go to the crossroads demon. He was the one who made Dean seal that deal so that he could get his life back. He was the one who ended up not being able to save Dean in the end.
It was all his fault.
"Sam, please. It's time to go." Bobby repeated from behind Sam. The younger brother slowly turned around, tearing his eyes away from the grave to look at the older hunter. Bobby repressed the urge to gasp aloud when Sam's hazel eyes bored into his.
Sam's usually warm, sympathetic, and caring eyes were empty. Completely empty. The only tangible emotions in those haunting eyes were guilt, loss, despair, and pain.
"Please go." Sam whispered, his dead eyes nearly ripping Bobby's heart in two. Bobby took a small step forward before pulling Sam into a firm hug. Sam didnt bother to return the hug, and instead let his arms hang limp by his side. Bobby swallowed the lump in his throat before he pulled away.
"Dean meant the world to both of us Sam. But he wouldnt want you to be like this. You havent slept in over 24 hours and you need rest. Come on, I'll make up a bed for you back at my place." Bobby urged, feeling his eyes pool with tears.
Sam opened his mouth to respond but no sound came out. He just stared at Bobby for a minute before turning his back to the older hunter and staring at the grave that held his big brother inside.
"I cant." Sam choked out brokenly as endless tears rained down his face.
"But Sammy-" Bobby started, before Sam spun around and glared at him.
"Dont call me Sammy." He growled in a low voice, his eyes ablazed with fire. Bobby felt his mouth drop open, but he quickly recovered and nodded his head in understandment.
Only one person would ever be able to call him Sammy, and it wasnt Bobby.
The fire in Sam's eyes quickly diminished as they filled with regret.
"I'm...sorry." He whispered quietly before staring down at the grave again. "Please just go."
"You know Sam, I'm sure your brother would find a way out of the pit just to kick my ass if he found out I left you here all alone." Bobby replied, trying to lighten the mood. He hadnt realized what he had said before it left his mouth.
Sam's broken expression was enough to put the older hunter at a loss for words.
Bobby mentally kicked himself for even bringing up the fact that Dean was gone and most likely in Hell right now. He knew Sam blamed himself for Dean's death, but the last thing Dean would have wanted was for Sam to feel guilty.
Dean did what he did because he loved his brother and cared about him more than anyone else.
Bobby took a minute to compose himself while silence filled the air.
"Sam, I really think-"
"I just want to be alone." Sam interrupted quietly.
"Please." Sam whispered desperately.
"Alright..." Bobby finally said after a minute. "I'll be at my place if you need me." He finished before turning around and walking back to his truck the he had parked a few feet away.
Sam heard Bobby get into his truck, start the ignition, and drive off. Once Sam realized that he was completely alone, reality hit him like a ton of bricks. He couldnt stand straight anymore and felt his knees give out.
His world came crashing down around him as he sank to his knees, heart wrenching sobs filling the air. He placed his shaky hands onto the dirt that covered the coffin in the ground and it took every ounce of strength he had to not dig the grave back up.
He couldnt do this on his own.
He couldnt live without his brother.
Sam needed Dean more than anything, but his big brother was gone.
He was ripped away from Sam, and now both brothers were left to live in their own personal Hells'.
"D-Dean..." Sam sobbed agonizingly. "P-Please c-c-come back." He begged as he hung his head back and looked skyward. "P-Please...p-p-please bring him b-back." Sam prayed with despair, hoping that anybody 'upstairs' was listening. When he was met with silence, he curled inwardly and began to rock back and forth. "P-Please come back." He whispered over and over.
Sam didnt know how long he sat there, crying and pleading for Dean to come back to him. Time was meaningless to him now.
It got colder and darker, but Sam didnt care. He was numb to everything anyway. Eventually, the grief became too much to bear and Sam knew he needed to get away. He shakily stood up, standing at the end of the grave once again.
The cross he had planted at the head of the hole shadowed over the grave, its sillouette covering almost the entire ground behind it. Sam stared at the ground, unable to move with the haunting thought that this could be the last time he was physically near his brother, alive or not. He took a deep breath, his heart breaking as he opened his mouth.
"D-Dean..." He began quietly. "I'm s-s-so sorry. This i-is all my f-fault." Sam cried anguishly, as he ran a hand over his tear stained face.
A thought hit Sam that made him laugh once humorlessly as he stared at the ground.
"Right...I forgot. No chick flick moments." Sam scoffed, quoting his brother.
He stared at the ground, his hands tucked deep inside his jean pockets. There had to be a way he could fix this. There had to be. Maybe he could make another deal? Sam wouldnt stop until he found a way to get Dean out of Hell.
"I'm gonna save you. I-I promise I'll save y-you." He swore determinedly. Sam began to back away slowly, wishing he could just curl up and die right alongside his brother. "I-I promise." Sam whispered as he took a deep breath and turned around. He hung his head low as he made his was to the Impala parked a few feet away, tears still falling from his sunken eyes.
Sam raised his head as he approached the Impala.
God, everything around Sam was just a painful reminder of his big brother.
He almost went straight to the passenger side of the car, expecting Dean to suddenly appear and say,
"There's no way in Hell I'm letting you drive my baby, bitch."
Sam bit back the sob rising in his throat as he unwillingly got into the drivers seat. As soon as he was seated, everything just felt completely wrong and unnatural. Dean should be the one driving, not Sam.
Sam shut his eyes tightly as he started the ignition, the rumble of the Impala almost being enough to drown out the sounds of Dean being ripped to shreds by those Hell Hounds.
Sam could still hear Dean screaming in agony as the hounds tore him apart. He could still hear Lilith laughing mercilessly in the background as she watched the gory scene with pleasure. He could still hear his own pleas and cries, begging for the hounds to stop and for Lilith to stop.
For everything to just stop.
But no, nothing stopped. No miracle happened. No savior appeared to stop the destruction. No prayer had been answered. No cry for help had been taken.
Everything had moved in slow motion, and Sam hadnt been able to do a damn thing to stop it.
So now, here he was. Driving the Impala down a endless, darkened street.
Sam strained to keep his eyes away from the passenger seat. He knew that if he stole one glance at that seat, he would lose it and end up driving the Impala off a cliff somewhere.
Because in that seat laid only tortouous reminders of Dean. His leather jacket. His duffle bag. His gun. His amulet.
Sam had almost decided to bury Dean with the amulet on, the cheap necklace being a gift to his brother in the first place. But that necklace...that seemingly worthless piece of jewlery that Sam had given to Dean all those years ago that Christmas Eve, meant so much more. It was a symbol of their relationship. Even when Sam had left for Stanford, Dean still faithfully wore it everyday. It was more than just some amulet. It represented the brotherly bond between the two that showed that they would stick by eachother through thick and thin, through good and bad.
But in the end, Sam couldnt do it. He couldnt let go of the one thing that would keep him close to his brother.
Sam ended up driving to a seedy motel a couple miles away from Dean's burial place. He wordlessly gathered Dean's leftover belongings, unable to bear having them sit in the car alone. He cradled Dean's things to his chest protectively as he made his way to the front desk.
The bell rang as he entered the lobby and he was soon greeted by an older looking man.
"Hello and welcome to Blue Days Motel." The clerk sighed half heartedly as he flipped through a magazine, not even bothering to look up at Sam. "How can I-" The clerk gasped as he finally looked up at Sam. He quickly stood up from his chair and stared at Sam with a gaping mouth. "Jesus buddy, you look like you've been through hell." The man commented.
Sam fought back the urge to shoot the man in the face for mentioning the word hell.
"A single room please." Sam asked in a small voice.
"Sorry kid, but we're booked for those. We got rooms with two beds though."
Sam stared at the man as he clenched and unclenched his jaw.
Of course there would only be rooms with double beds. The universe was just trying to torture Sam with reminders of what use to be.
"Fine." Sam responded sullenly as the man gave him a room key.
"Here you go. You sure you're okay? You look like shit."
Sam didnt even bother responding and instead sulked out of the lobby and headed to his room. He silently opened the door and walked inside, locking it behind him out of habit. Without looking at the items in his arms, he gently set them on the bed closest to the door. Sam turned around and sat heavily onto the other bed.
Everything was wrong with this picture.
There were no smart ass comments being made. No teasing going on to lighten the mood. No aroma of greasy food. No sounds of guns and rifles being loaded and unloaded for cleaning. No off-key singing of AC/DC or Metallica. No flicking through the limited televison channels.
Sam sat in complete silence, everything around him in a blur.
There was no sound what so ever.
Nothing except for the deafening silence of complete loss.
Sam abruptly stood up, unable to stand the ringing in his ears anymore and headed to the shower.
The scalding water burned his back, but it almost felt good in a way. It made Sam focus on that pain instead of the devestation in his heart. The steam clouded his vision as he stood rigidly, his tears mixing with the water that rained down his face.
He stood in that spot until the water ran cold. He quickly toweled off, tossing on clothes from his duffle bag before wiping the steam off the bathroom mirror. Sam caught his reflection in the mirror and stopped short in complete shock. If he didnt know that that was his own reflection in the mirror, Sam would have never thought it was himself.
His eyes were red and puffy, his skin had paled considerably, and everything about him just seemed dead. There was no light in his eyes and his hair hung limp.
Besides the shock, Sam felt completely disgusted with himself. This was all his fault. He should be the one rotting in the ground right now, not Dean.
He shoved away from the mirror and stalked out of the bathroom, immediately heading to his bed farthest from the door.
Ever since he was little, he always slept on that bed. Dean or John would always sleep by the door, just in case anything tried to attack them throughout the night, they'd have to go through them first before Sam.
Sam stood at the side of his bed, an empty feeling welling up inside of him. He slowly turned around stared at Dean's belongings on the other bed. Hesitantly, Sam walked over and sat on the bed that Dean would have occupied if he had been there.
The amulet caught his eye as he gingerly picked it up with shaky hands and thumbed it over with his finger. Sam pulled the leather band over his head and adjusted the amulet so it laid on his chest, near his heart.
Sam ran his hand over the pendant as yet another tear ran down his face. He quickly stood up and made his way under the covers of his own bed, pulling the sheets up to his chin.
Tears pooled his eyes as he stared at the unoccupied bed by his side, wishing with all his heart that Dean would suddenly appear and comfort him. To tell him everything would be okay and that he was their for his baby brother.
A single tear trailed over his nose and splattered onto the mattress. Sam choked back a sob as he moved back into a sitting position.
There was no way he was going to be able to sleep. Not without Dean by his side. Thats the way it had been for Sam's entire life and he couldnt just change that now.
Sam bounced his knee up and down, something he did whenever he was stressed or anxious. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he leaned over to the empty bed and sifted through Dean's stuff. Sam gently grabbed Dean's leather jacket and pulled it back towards him, cradling it to his chest. He laid down once again and held Dean's jacket close to him, afraid to let it go.
The jacket smelt like Dean, leather and Axe. In a way, it gave him a sense of security. If he shut his eyes, it was almost like Dean was near him right then.
But then he'd open his eyes and that sense of comfort would dissipate instantly.
Sam laid in the darkness, secluded in his own guilt-ridden thoughts. He let his mind get the best of him, and broke down once again. Sam buried his face into Dean's jacket and let the weight of despair crash around him as he sobbed.
Eventually, his tears ran dry as his crying subsided. He was completely drained of energy and was exhausted now. Sam welcomed the darkness that enveloped him, still protectively wrapped in Dean's leather jacket.
Gruesome images of blood and pain flashed through Sam's mind, forcing him awake from his restless slumber.
"Dean!" He screamed as he tore his eyes open and jolted upright. Sam's breathing was rapid and heavy as he tried to gather his surroundings. "Dean?" He called out again, still disoriented as to what was going on. A thin layer of sweat covered the nape of Sam's neck and his legs were tangled in the sheets.
Something was off. Something was wrong.
Suddenly, everything came flooding back into Sam's memory.
"No, no, no." He whispered brokenly as he fumbled around, trying to find the light. Sam thought that he was just having some horrific nightmare where Dean went to Hell for him. He finally found the light switch and flicked it on.
His stomach dropped when he realized that his nightmare was really reality.
"No!" He cried out as he struggled to untangle himself from the sheets. Sam tried to run from the bed, but his foot got caught in the sheets and he went tumbling to the ground. "No, no, no, no..." He repeated in a small voice as he brought his knees to his chest and buried his head in his hands.
This couldnt be happening.
Not Dean. Not the only person Sam had left in the world. Dean couldnt be gone. He just couldnt.
How was he suppose to surivive without Dean? How was he suppose to live without being under the watchful eye of his big brother?
Besides the crushing weight of grief, Sam felt undeniable fury and determination to avenge Dean's death. The fire in his belly roared with anger at the demon who caused this.
He would make sure she paid for what she had done.
But for now, all he could do was wallow in pain and loss.
Sam remembered the last words Dean had said to him before the clock struck midnight...
To keep fighting.
To remember what their dad had taught them.
And to remember what Dean had taught him.
Sam would keep fighting, but only because it had been Dean's last wish. He would try his best to move forward, but he knew nothing would ever be the same. Sam would never be the same without Dean.
Sam took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut. He couldnt handle the grief. Not now. Not ever. Instead, he focused all of his energy on planning ways to destroy Lilith and get his revenge. Sam knew he wasnt going to last long before he did something stupid and ended up getting himself killed, but the truth was, he didnt want to live anyway. He didnt have anything to live for, except to kill Lilith or die trying.
With Dean gone, he didnt need to be rational or safe.
With Dean gone, Sam didnt care whether he lived or died.
With Dean gone, he just didnt care about anything anymore.
It didnt matter what happened to him down the road now.
Nothing mattered to him anymore.
Please review and tell me what you thought! Thanks! :)