Title- In Which We Learn Why Not To Give POTO Characters Weed
Characters/Pairings- anyone, everyone
Rating- T, just because there's drugs and Erik being Erik
Summary- Picture a That 70's Show-style pot circle. Insert POTO characters. Laugh.
A/N- This is just an excuse to parody absolutely everyone and have a bit of slightly-OOC fun. I wrote it in script format because it's just plain funnier that way. Things in-between *asterisks* are actions and (parentheses) are bits of helpful information. Italics are for emphasis. Leave reviews, I love them.
Narrator: (overly cinematic and cheery tone, like a cartoon voiceover narration from 1983)...and so we find ourselves in the fifth level of the cellars beneath the Opera Populaire, where we last left Erik and the other inhabitants of the opera. But what's this? It seems something has changed since we last visited our dark hero and his friends! They are all behaving rather oddly! Here we have Raoul and Erik sitting together companionably, not battling like the sworn enemies they are! What can possibly be the cause of this strange change in attitude? Let us find out, shall we...?
Erik: I cannot believe I let you talk me into this.
Raoul: Talk you-? Talk you into this? You talked me into this!
Erik: No I didn't.
Raoul: Yes you did.
Erik: No I didn't.
Raoul: Did too.
Erik: Did not.
Raoul: Did too.
Erik: Did not!
Raoul: Did too!
Erik: SO IT IS TO BE WAR BETWEEN US? *he leaps to his feet and draws his sword, but trips over his own cape and falls on his ass*
Meg: Oh my god, will you two zip it already? You're totally killing my buzz. Go back to being mortal foes when I'm not seeing pretty colors, m'kay? *she takes a drag on a "natural cigarette"*
Narrator: (shocked voice) Oh my goodness! It seems our dear friends have been smoking cannabis! *dramatic organ music plays*
Erik: ...haaaang on, that's MY five-chord theme... *cracks his knuckles threateningly*
Narrator: Oh dear, I don't think I can condone this! Clearly spending all this time in a dark, creepy basement has taken away our characters' good sense!
Narrator: Not that Christine actually had much to begin wi-
Narrator: GRRRK! ACK! LLLLP! AGH! GAHHHH! *dies*
Erik: *sits back down like nothing happened*
Meg: What happened? I wasn't paying attent- oh good god, Erik, please tell me you didn't punjab another one!
Meg: *facepalm* Alright, whatever. I'll deal with it later once I can feel my fingers again.
Raoul: Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya! Erik's in trou-ble, Erik's in trou-ble!
Erik: Do you want me to do you, too?
Raoul: *runs and hides behind Carlotta's skirt*
Erik: ...wait, Carlotta? What the hell is she doing down here?
Carlotta: Did-a you-a- for-a-gett-a? I-a was-a the-a one-a who-a sold-a you-a the-a weed-a!
Mme. Giry: *looks up from where she was quietly getting high in a corner* Figures...
Carlotta: Oh-a? And-a what-a is-a that-a suppos-a-ed to-a mean-a, then-a, Little-a Madam-a Dancer-a?
Mme. Giry: Oh nothing, nothing at all...
Carlotta: *evil eye*
Mme. Giry: (casually) This is just really poor quality.
Carlotta: WHAT? How-a dare-a you-a accuse-a me-a of-a selling bad-a reefer?
Mme. Giry: All I know is, I can get tokes twice as good as this off the Persian, at half the price.
Carlotta: *looks dumbfounded, and storms out in a huff*
Erik: Cannabis is a terrible high. I'm telling you man, morphine's the way to go.
Raoul: Psh, morphine... Drinking yourself into the gutter the way I will once I realize my wife slept with you and didn't bother to tell me my son isn't actually my son is a way better way of numbing soul-searing pain.
Meg: OMG guys! I thought we were going to pretend that horrible episode never even happened!
Christine: Awww... But that's one of the versions where I get to sleep with Erik! Whoops! *she falls over and lands in Raoul's lap, giggling*
Meg: It's also a version where I become unrecognizable as the same character and shoot you.
Christine: But... but... sleeping with Erik! *falls off Raoul's lap onto the ground and continues to giggle*
Raoul: Hello? Christine? I'm right here!
Meg: *eyeroll* I mean, not that I mind an adaptation where I actually get thorough character development, but could it at least be in-character?
Mme. Giry: Oh my god, Meg, we've been hearing nothing else but "WHY DOES CONEY ISLAND ME SUCK SO MUCH?" since Love Never Dies premiered. We get it, you don't buy it, now shaddup! *takes a drag on her joint*
Meg: You see what I have to put up with?
Erik: Oh Christine... what was this you were saying about wanting to get to know your Angel of Music a little better...? *uses "innuendo eyebrows"*
Erik: (singing seductively) Nighttime sharpens heightens each sensa-
Christine: (way off-key and warblier than Carlotta on a bad day) PAAAAAAAST THE POINT OF NOOOOO RETUUUUUURN!
Christine: (she's not even singing the right intervals now, let alone in the right key) NO GOING BAAACK NOOOOOOOWWW!
Erik: Why did no one tell me she can't sing when she's high?
Raoul: Because it's funnier this way?
Erik: ...swear to god, Chagny... *cracks knuckles*
Christine: (you don't even want to know how bad this sounds) OUR PASSION PLAAAY HAS NOOOOWWW AT LAAAAST BEGUUUUUUN!
Meg: ...I can sing when I'm high...
Erik: Not now Meg.
Meg: ...actually I sing better when I'm high because my inhibitions are gone and I'm not overthinking it...
Erik: I have to sober Christine up fast before I realize that without her beautiful singing voice I've got no reason to love her!
Christine: PAAAAST ALL THOUGHT OF RIIIIIIGHT OR WROOOOONG!
Mme. Giry: You idiot, you can't bring someone down off a buzz just like that... nothing to do but wait.
Erik: SHUT UP AND QUIT MAKING SENSE! I AM NOT RATIONAL RIGHT NOW!
Raoul: ...are you ever?
Erik: ...shut up.
Meg: (singing sweetly) Green finch and linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird, how is it you sing? How can you jubilate sitting in cages, never taking wing?
Erik: I'll teach you to one-up Christine...! *punjabs her*
Mme. Giry: ERIK DESTLER YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
Erik: *guilty look*
Mme Giry: *Maternal Glare of Death*
Erik: *lets Meg go*
Meg: *rubs her throat* God I need a smoke...
Mme. Giry: Erik, swear to god, intoxication is not an excuse! You do not lay a hand on my daughter... for any reason!
Meg: What? But I don't mind, really...
Mme. Giry: *Maternal Glare of Death*
Meg: *shuts up*
Raoul: *staring intensely at his joint* You know, it occurs to me that all this smoking is probably bad for our singing voices...
Christine: (while no one paying attention she took another toke and now she's singing Britney Spears and dancing) Pick me, take me, off up into your dungeon!
Erik: *clutching his head and moaning* Make it stoooooop...
Carlotta: *runs in and hits Christine over the head* There-a. Now-a you-a cannot-a say-a I-a am-a a bad-a singer! Not-a after-a that-a!
Erik: *rushes to Christine's side* Oh my Angel, there there now, it'll be alright... My music will protect you... *cradles her unconscious body in his arms*
Darius: Um... What. The. Fuck?
Mme. Giry: Who are you?
Darius: I'm that random character from the Leroux who appears for about ten seconds and no one cares about.
Mme. Giry: Oh. Then go away.
Darius: Fine. I will then. *stage-whispers under his breath* But then you'll never find out why I came here...
Meg: *sigh* Alright, fine, why did you come?
Darius: I've got a message of utmost importance from the Persian.
Mme. Giry: *suddenly paying very close attention* What is it?
Darius: He just got in a new shipment. You've got first pick if you want it.
Mme. Giry: *Jersey-Shore-fist-pump* SCORE! *runs out*
Erik: *staring after Giry like she's a loony and shaking his head* ...I'm telling you, Christine, morphine... morphine's the way to go...
Raoul: *isn't paying attention, just dancing around with the Christine doll* I feel pretty... oh so pretty... I feel pretty and witty and gaaaayyy...
Meg: (threatening tone) Erik?
Erik: *innocent look*
Meg: Let the Vicomte go. We might need him for a sequel.
Erik: *grumbles* Fiiiiine...
Raoul: *continues dancing like nothing happened* I feel charming... oh so charming... it's alarming how charming I feeeeel...
A/N2- There may be more. I haven't decided. I feel like dragging crackfic out is always a bad idea, but I'll leave it up to you.