Family Matters: Part One – The Lies That Bind – chapter 1
Spoilers up through season 6.7
I'm having an obsession about Soulless Sam and how it must feel not to feel… also all that went on between Samuel and Crowley. And, we know Soulless Sam was a horndog, so… Rated M.
I don't own any of the SPN characters… don't profit from my stories… I just write for fun
Just after returning from the cage…. About a year before the beginning of season 6…
Whatsoever I feared has come to life
And whatsoever I fought off became my life...
cause I fell on Black Days
Whomsoever I cured, I'll sicken now
And whomsoever I cradled, I'll put you down...
I'm only faking when I get it right
cause I fell on Black Days
How would I know
that this would be my fate?
-Christopher Cornell -Soundgarden
Things were different, very different. Sam Winchester couldn't quite figure out what happened to him but he knew he wasn't the same. He had been brought back from Hell, a Hell he couldn't remember. He remembered jumping into the hole, taking Lucifer with him into the cage. Then he was back topside without Lucifer.
Samuel Campbell, Sam's grandfather had found him. Now he had family. Samuel had gathered all the Campbell's together to hunt. He had that natural ability to inspire and lead and he was the oldest, so they gathered and followed just as clans do, as they had been trained.
"These are all my people" Samuel had explained to Sam. "My brothers and sisters children and grandchildren; children of my cousins, my aunts and uncles, all of them are our clan, our family. But you, you're my grandson. You're Mary's boy. You are my right hand, son." Sam knew that family was important by the way Samuel talked but he didn't understand why. He felt like an outsider here in this place. He felt like an outsider everywhere. Everyone seemed to know something he didn't. No matter. Whatever it was, he'd figure it out. He would keep his secret. He decided it would be better if no one knew he was different, really different.
Sam remembered the life he'd lived. He remembered his Dad, remembered Bobby, Jess. And he remembered Dean, hunting with Dean. A lifetime full of memories was all with him, but he didn't understand the memories. It seemed to him that someone else had lived those memories. All the loves and hates, the joys and sorrows of that Sam, Sammy were a mystery to him. He no longer understood the man he was before. He didn't know that he had returned to earth without his soul but that was the reason he was a very different Sam Winchester.
They hunted together, Sam and Samuel and others of the clan when Samuel decided he needed them. He favored hunting Vampires. It wasn't the only thing they hunted, just what they went after the most. Vampires had been hunted to near extinction during the time Samuel was dead, but lately there had been and upsurge in the number of nests. It seemed they were coming off the endangered list and Samuel was determined to put them back on.
Tonight four hunters were returning from a successful foray onto a farm in Indiana. They had taken out six Vampires. All beheaded. All killed by Samuel and Sam, Christian and Alta. If Sam was Samuel's right hand, then Christian was next in line. And Alta was next in line after that; they were his most trusted hunters. Like most of the Campbell's Alta was raise in the Business. She started hunting when she was twelve. She had seen things, done things, the things that hunters do and that had hardened her soul. Even so, there was something about her… humor… and caring. Alta understood being different and thought she understood Sam. She was attracted to him. He was tall, dark, and handsome and he seemed to radiate power. Sam was heading out to his car when she first approached him.
"Sam!" He heard her calling from behind him. He turned and faced her.
"Alta." He stood motionless waiting. He wasn't sure what he was waiting for.
"Let's go for a drink, Sam. It's been a long day. Couldn't you use one?"
"Yea, good idea." He motioned toward his car and headed for the driver's side. Suddenly, some old memory, one of Sammy's memories, kicked in and he went to the passenger side to open the door for her. Sam wasn't sure why that was important but it seemed right and Alta seemed to like it. She smiled at him. He smiled back.
Sam wasn't good at conversation. Alta already knew that. During down times with the clan he rarely engaged in small talk. He listened and watched as if he was studying. He'd answer if someone asked him something. But he remained aloof. Alta kept up the conversation. He didn't mind. He was learning this small talk stuff by listening. Sam had learned from Samuel that many of his thoughts were frightening to people. So it was best not to say them out loud. Samuel said he was cold, whatever that meant. He didn't know that without a soul he didn't have feelings like sympathy, or love or even like. Camaraderie involved emotions he didn't have. But he was learning how to cover. He was learning how to act. So he didn't talk much but he listened a lot.
It was a short ride into town. Sam headed for the local bar 'Black Dog'. It was a familiar hang out for the Campbell's.
"Let's don't go to 'Black Dog'. Let's go somewhere else." Alta smiled at Sam. It was a suggestive smile. He noticed it was different.
"I know a pub where we can get something to eat."
As they ate, Alta talked about her life, what it was like to be a Campbell. Sam absorbed the information. He thought it might be useful. It occurred to him that he should share information as well, so he talked about Sammy's life. Alta thought it sounded like a history lesson. He talked about his life like fact finding for a case. He didn't mention his feelings at all. That might not be so strange, but she couldn't see any emotion on his face, couldn't hear any emotion in his voice. Even when he told her about Jess, the woman he was going to marry... the woman he loved and saw die. He was absolutely devoid of emotion. It occurred to her that Sam might be more wounded than she thought. Suddenly, she thought this might not be such a good idea. She was a little uneasy.
Sam noticed her unease immediately. He felt excitement begin to rise in him, not unlike preparing for a hunt. It was a feeling, the only feeling he could have. A primal instinct that came from somewhere other than the soul. It was good to feel. Like water on parched lips. Alta saw him become animated, interested, as if he'd been asleep and suddenly woke up. She became even more uneasy. He noticed it, drank in the feeling then grabbed it and pushed it down deep. He steeled himself just like he did for a hunt. Calm, don't tip off the prey.
"Would you like to come up for a drink?"
"My apartment is upstairs. That's how I know about this place." He smiled, his head just slightly tilted to one side. He had beautiful hazel eyes and dimples that made his smile seem almost sweet. She began to calm and thought she was being silly to be uneasy. She decided not to trust her hunter's instincts.
"That sounds nice, Sam."
He put money on the table to cover the tab and stood, holding out his hand. Another memory popping into his head at just the right time. Apparently Sammy was a nice guy. Good, he could use that. He held her hand as he led the way upstairs.
She noticed his apartment was clean and neat, extremely neat. It was bare actually, devoid of any knick knacks or memorabilia... no pictures... nothing. It had no personality.
Sam poured her a drink but not one for himself. When he turned from the counter to face her he took just a moment to take her in. She's pretty. He thought. Her hair was thick dark auburn and long with just a little curl around the shoulders. She had a long oval face and crystal green eyes. She was more than pretty, Alta was strikingly beautiful. Her smile was stunning. Sam might have known this if he'd had a soul but beauty like art is appreciated by the soul.
He closed the distance between them handing her the drink and standing just a little too close. Sam was tall and he stood head and shoulders over Alta. She suddenly felt small. He sensed her fear. No… more than that, he could smell it. He gazed down at her. The excitement began to rise in him. She felt it. They fed on each other, his excitement, her fear and excitement. His power overwhelmed her. She staggered back a step.
"Don't." he whispered as he caught her arms and steadied her. "I won't hurt you." He tried to calm her. Once more he pushed down his excitement and calmed himself. The primal feelings were strong, intoxicating. He couldn't love, he didn't even like. But he lusted and it felt good.
"I... " She didn't know what to say.
Sam put his hands to either side of Alta's face and raised it up to meet him as he lowered his lips to hers. His kiss was soft, gentle. He didn't want to frighten her. He broke off the kiss and gazed into her eyes judging her reaction. He searched her face. Her eyes slowly opened and she smiled. Good.
He kissed her again. He could taste Alta's desire and he drank it in, hungry for more. Desire fed on desire. When he broke off the kiss he pulled her tightly against him. He rested his face on the top of her head and laced his fingers up through her hair bunching it up around his face. He smelled her desire and breathed it in deep.
"Alta?" he questioned.
"Ummm?" she answered.
He was unsure how far he should go. She seemed to want to remain in this embrace. He wanted more. But he waited. Slowly she began to move against him. He thought it was an unconscious movement of her hips across his. That slight movement got an immediate reaction from him. The feeling was intense. He moved back against her.
She put her hands on his chest and pushed away from him looking up at him. He quickly moved his hands down to her hips and held her against him.
"Don't!" he said.
She smiled and held up the drink she still had, a quizzical look on her face. He released her hips and sighed.
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to push you." Sam wasn't sorry he didn't know how to be sorry, but he knew how to regroup. He knew how to hunt. It's all he knew how to do. So he would play this like a hunt. He wouldn't spook his prey. He didn't know how to be any other way. He waited for her next move.
He walked over to the counter and with his back to her he asked. "Would you like another drink?"
"No, I'm fine." He heard her glass as she set it on the coffee table. When he turned she had removed her jacket. He was quickly beside her. He took the jacket and hung it in the closet and did the same with his.
"Why don't you show me around your apartment, Sam?"
"There isn't much to see." he gestured around the room. "The kitchen and living area." he walked over toward the bedroom door. "Would you like to see the bedroom?"
"Yes, that's definitely what I'd like to see."
He held out his hand. She walked past him into the bedroom. He closed the door behind them. She turned and he immediately pulled her into his arms, holding her tight against him.
"You want me!" Sam could smell it. He could feel it. He recognized the symbolism of her coming into his bedroom. It meant she wanted in his bed. He trailed kisses down Alta's neck and breathed in the scent of her desire. His hands reached for the hem of her shirt and he pulled it up over her head. Watching her hair spilling back down around her shoulders he felt a white hot surge of primal desire. He wanted his flesh touching hers. She was quickly unbuttoning his shirt.
Sam couldn't remember feeling like this before. If he had, those feeling belonged to Sammy and the feelings weren't quite the same. This was lust. And it was his not Sammy's. This was his. He shrugged out of his shirt. As he reached down to unfasten his belt, he looked at Alta making sure she was OK with this. She reached for her own belt in answer and they watched each other undress.
"You want me." She teased. His hands were immediately touching her. He pushed her toward the bed.
"I'll show you how much." Sam lowered her to the bed, hovering over her. He could smell her desire. She felt his excitement as he slid into her. He slowly filled her. Alta could hear his groan of pleasure matched by her own. He held himself in her as he covered her with his body. Her face was against his straining chest as he began to move in her.
He looked down at her. He watched her moving against him. Smelled her passion. Watched her as she began to rise toward her climax. She groaned and struggled and moved against him. Her eyes fluttered. She gasped. Somewhere in Sammy's memory he found the French phrase Le Petit Morte. 'Little Death'. And he thought it is like a hunt. A little death. With that he began to thrust in her harder, killing her, like prey. He heard her scream as she died and he reached his own climax.
Sam lowered himself beside Alta and lay on his side. He spooned her up against him and wrapped himself around her. He was so tall she fit perfectly into him with his chin resting on top of her head. She felt safe, like being wrapped in a warm blanket. He felt nothing. The lust had been satisfied and was gone. Still her body was soft and warm. He was comfortable like this. It felt like something Sammy would do. He felt her rhythmic breathing as she fell asleep. He didn't sleep. He never slept, but he rested tonight.
… … …
"I don't know." Samuel sighed and ran his hand across his eyes as if that simple gesture could relieve the pressure building in his head. "Sam's not like any hunter I've ever worked with. He scares me. I'd rather do this on my own, with my own crew." Samuel was pacing. He'd seen what Sam was capable of. Collateral damage didn't bother Sam. He never gave it a second thought. And Samuel didn't want to find out just how far Sam was willing to go. "You bring me a man without a soul and expect me to get him to play well with others?"
"Well, you'd better figure it out." Crowley smiled and it sent chills down Samuel's spine. He hated this but he had no choice. He'd made a deal with a demon. "I own Sam Winchester!" he growled out... and I want him hunting for me! You're going to make that happen. And you're going to bring me creatures ALIVE! Do we understand each other?"
"Yea." Samuel gave a heavy sigh. He hated working for Crowley but it was his ticket out of Hell and Crowley had promised to bring back his daughter, Mary.
"Of course you can't let Sam know about your deal with me. He hates me. We have a history. And he'd never stay with you if he knew about me. Oh, and don't let him know where you take these creatures or what you do with them. Best to keep him in the dark." Crowley took a deep breath. "Now, I have to go prepare a place for all my creatures. I'll let you know where to bring them."
Crowley smirked. Samuel was resigned to the situation. He was just where Crowley wanted him. He would do his job and he would get Sam to do the job too.
… … …
Alta woke up in Sam's bed, snuggled in crisp sheets, warm comforter and soft pillow... alone. She peeked out and saw Sam sitting at his laptop, his back to her. She remembered falling asleep in his arms and she wondered when he'd left the bed.
"Morning." Sam glanced over his shoulder. "We need to be getting back to the Compound soon. You want some breakfast? I've got cereal." His attention was once again on the laptop.
He had already showered and dressed. Her clothes had been folded and laid on the foot of the bed. She dressed quickly and in silence. Sam remained focused on his research. Alta rummaged through the cabinets and found the cereal and some bowls.
"I like Corn Flakes. You want some?" She found the spoons and took the milk from the refrigerator.
"I had some earlier."
"It's five am, Dude. What time did you get up?" She sat across the table from him, munching her cereal.
"I've been up for a while."
"You didn't get much sleep. You OK?"
"Yea." He closed the laptop and waited for her to finish eating.
God, she thought. Getting conversation out of this man is like pulling teeth!
He sensed she was expecting something from him.
"I found some interesting hits. I think it's a case for us. I'd like to get this info to Samuel."
Sam had made passionate love to her last night. Alta remembered his touch, his embrace, his kisses and she wondered why he seemed so indifferent this morning. This man is so broken she thought. He wouldn't be the first hunter to be emotionally crippled.
"I'm sure Samuel will be delighted." Alta spooned the last mouthful of cereal and took her bowl and spoon to the sink. He watched her as she washed them out and left them in the drain then headed to the bathroom.
After Alta had showered and redressed she came out to find Sam had just finished cleaning and loading his hand gun. He stood, placed it down the back of his jeans and walked over to the closet. He took out her jacket, holding it out to her. She just looked at him and he realized she wanted something from him, he just didn't know exactly what.
"You are the strong silent type aren't you." her head tilted to one side. Her eyes narrowed. "What happened to you, Sam?"
"You don't know?" He asked. "I was possessed by Lucifer. I jumped into Hell and stuffed him back into his cage and I came back or was brought back. I'm not sure how I got back. I thought Samuel told everyone." his voice was flat, no fear, no hurt, nothing. Like last night when he talked about his past. He didn't show any emotion.
"Yea, he told us." Suddenly it made sense. No wonder he's so broken! Who could even imagine that kind of ordeal? "I wasn't thinking, Sam. Did you talk about it with Samuel?"
"He knew. He was pulled down when I was pulled up. He doesn't know why, I don't know why. I figure whoever or whatever wants us to hunt."
"That's not the kind if talking I mean."
"What else is there to talk about?"
"Your feelings, maybe?"
"No." He turned away. "I'm fine." He didn't have a clue what kind of feelings she meant and he didn't want her to know.
Dude, you are anything but fine! She thought. And she felt such a surge of sympathy for him she reached up and pulled him down kissing him lightly on the cheek. She thought it was sad. Sam was so handsome, so tall, so powerful she couldn't help but be drawn to him. But he was so wounded. She slipped her hands around his waist and laid her cheek against his chest.
He didn't understand her, didn't understand sympathy but he knew she wanted a reaction from him. He didn't know what to do so he pulled her face up to meet his lips as he bent down to kiss her. He tasted her, smelled her. She smelled like sex. He reached down to grasp her hips and pull her against him.
Sam's reaction took Alta by surprise. She meant to be sympathetic but if he thought he was going to use her for his private sex toy he was wrong. She pushed against him breaking the kiss. Anger burned in her and he could smell it oozing from her pores. He pushed her toward the bed, pulling her shirt over her head and grabbing for her bra. Sam went from ice cold to boiling hot in an instant. He pushed her down on the bed and crawled over her.
"Sam! Stop!" Alta rolled back, pulled her knees up and using both feet on his chest she shoved him hard. Sam stumbled back off the bed. She sprang up after him and landed a right hook to his jaw. He didn't try to defend himself. He stood and waited for her next blow.
"What the Hell, Sam?"
He realized he'd made a mistake. He'd misjudged what she wanted from him. It was easy for him to understand lust. It was impossible for him to understand love and caring.
"Alta, I don't know what to say. You're right. I shouldn't have... pushed you. I don't want to hurt you… I just... It's been a long time. I'll never do anything you don't want. You just have to tell me."
"Don't ever touch me like that again. Not without my permission or I'll shoot you." She grabbed her shirt redressing in stilted angry movements. "Let's just go."
Comments and R&R are welcomed!