A/N: My first Dragon Age fic…And it was rather hastily written. But I desired to write some Anders, internal struggling. (Pfft, isn't this always my excuse?) It's not great, but I'm posting it anyways. Why isn't there more MALE!Hawke/Anders? WHY?

My Hawke never looks like the default guy – though I'll admit he's dashing – so…Don't be confused by my description of him. No beard?

Unbetaed! And short. XD

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age...Nor do I wish to. They have it all taken care of...I just get to sit back and relax and play...And write! Good 'nough for me. Though the love scenes could be more explicit...*cough* Yeah.

Every day, it seems he is holding back; biting back feelings that are threatening to erupt in a way that they hadn't since Karl. With every battle that he fights beside Hawke, which is all due to the other man's request, he fights the yearning that wants to overwhelm all sensible thought. Battles the urge to grab hold of the warrior's shoulders and kiss him senseless.

The only time he ever shows any restraint is when the other man is far, far away from his reaches; when he is alone in his corner, during the night-hours of his clinic. He pleases himself, it can be called 'pleasing', with the image of a man that he doesn't have in his mind's imaginative eye. He's not completely alone, even then, so he keeps quiet – and often he ends up more frustrated than he had been before.

That ache grows; and, like many other aspects of himself, he hates it – not the man, never the man – it's him. He hates his weakness; that he can barely resist. But even more than that – his hatred is led back to the initial problem that seems to shake everything into a downward spiral. He hates that he cannot be with this man; for the sole reason that he, as a mage, cannot indulge in love. And even more than other mages, it's him especially. His goals - and what he would do to achieve those goals – how could he possibly think of weighing Hawke down with such a burdened lover?

And yet, Garrett never makes it easier for him; his voice, so alluring, so sexily sarcastic, constantly flirts with him. With his sanity and control. 'So that explains the whole, "sexy, tortured" look'. It all started with those words, his downward fall into longing, that is. Or perhaps it had been earlier; when Hawke had shown an understanding, and true concern for mages. A notion that was scarcely seen in even mages themselves.

However it had started, it had grown to so much more than that; every night, he would lay awake, aching – oh so painfully – for Garrett Hawke. Thinking of green eyes, black hair, and a wicked smile that had been turning his insides into mush more often than not as of late.

But he would hold back; because he cared that much for him already. He cared so much that the thought of brining his fate down upon Hawke as well kept him successfully away.

His restraint however, was just not meant to last. He would only lay aching for three years.