A/N: This is what happens when I listen to the band 'TOTO'. If you have never heard of them…well…shame on you! Haha, no, not really. I love them though, because their melodies are fantastic, the guitar rocks, and their ballads make me lose myself in them. You know the disclaimer crap and all that blah blah blah. The song that inspired this is called "I won't hold back," and this is in Movie-verse.
Reflections of a Praxian
Jazz and I…let's just say that we have danced around each other for so long that sometimes I don't know if we're are friends or that odd step just before being lovers. I know he's tried to get us going, but I've reluctantly resisted because of my duties as SIC and because of the war situation in general. It's me. My fault. I've been holding him back from showing how he really feels about me, and now, I may have been too late. It's my fault that we didn't have the time of our lives when we could have. Because I held back as well.
A silver lining is that we did share some things.
Innocent touches and shy smiles, comfort when we were finding it hard to cope with the pressures of our roles in this war, the easy camaraderie of being soldiers, and the joy of being friends. And one kiss. We shared our first and last kiss right before Jazz left for the Allspark mission.
I remember. We were in the Ark Jr. the small transport ship that would be just enough to hold Prime, Ironhide, Bumblebee, Ratchet and Jazz. We were alone in the ship, and I was helping Jazz with a box of his belongings he was going to bring with him. I didn't know when I would see him again, so I embraced him, grasping onto him with all the feeling I couldn't show. As I had pulled away, he looked up at me, optics unhindered by his visor and grinned, saying "Prowler…we're gonna do this goodbye thing right."
And he laid his lips on mine, slowly breaking down my defences one by one until I reciprocated, kissing him back with all that I was. His hands were one mine, linking them together and our bodies brushing against each others. The touch and taste of his lips on mine…it was intoxicating, so much so that now I can still remember the exact sensation.
I may never experience it again.
It's not certain, Ratchet's apparently doing everything he can, but we don't know for sure, but we will in about an hour. I'm on a small ship from the Ark (we are breaching Earth's atmosphere at this current moment), the Fiendfyre with Sunstreaker and Bluestreak, who are manning the controls as I think. I'm in the back. Just…here. Just thinking, mulling over in my sadness. For if Jazz is truly gone…then I might as well go as well. We've never been lovers. But I know in my spark…that he is meant for me, from his helm to his pedes to his spark.
If Jazz survives…then it is a miracle. Reports are that…Megatron ripped his body in half. Just the thought of that lithe, powerful yet graceful silver frame being touched in such a way makes me want to break down and scream my rage and anguish to the heavens.
I love Jazz with all my being. I'm just sad that it took me so long to realise it and act on it.
We're touching down. I can see Prime and Ratchet standing with humans (so that's what they look like!) on the tarmac. They don't look to be as despondent as I feel. Sunstreaker and Bluestreak have exited and now it's my turn. I walk down, trying my hardest to hold my usual, confident and stoic gait, but I can tell by Ratchet's frown that it's not complete. Never complete without Jazz.
"Prowl," Prime says warmly. I nod at him, but there seems to be a lump in my throat and I cannot speak. I see my Prime and the CMO exchange a look before Ratchet says grumpily, "Like that huh? Come with me Prowl…there's something I want you to see."
I follow, not doing my usual scan of my surroundings. I have a feeling I know what Ratchet is going to show me. Jazz's body. So I can pay my respects.
Ww reach some doors, and I assume this to be the medbay. Ratchet leads me in without a word. I keep my head down. I can't bear to see….
"Ya seriously aren't moping over me are ya Prowler? Ah ain't deactivated yet!"
I snapped my helm up to see a smug Ratchet off to the side polishing some sort of medical equipment, but in front of me is really what my optics, my hands, my spark has been craving for the past few years. Jazz, whole and grinning at me as he flicks up his visor to look me in the optics. I gasp in happiness, my facade crumbling till it's the proverbial rubble. I don't notice as Ratchet leaves, as my optics have blurred with the beginning of tears.
"Oh Jazz…" I whisper.
He's looking at me, and I know he knows…and that he feels the same. He crooks a finger at me, and I practically leap onto his medical berth…and start kissing the remaining life out of him.
He laughs into my kiss, and he swiftly tangles his glossa with mine hungrily as his hands latch onto my shoulders to pull me as close as possible. I wrap my arms around him, one under his shoulders and one at his waist, where I can feel the healed welds. It feels so good to hold him to me, to make love to his mouth and glossa with my own. I'm not holding back. How can I? Not when he's alive, alive and pressed to me and kissing me just as feverishly as I am kissing him. He moans into our kiss, and I feel satisfied that my abilities can elicit those noises out of him.
We break away with simultaneous gasps and Jazz breathes, "Why haven't we been doin' that?"
I shutter my optics and sigh, "I was holding back everything I felt for you Jazz. I let my sense of duty block what really matters most." I raised my hand to cup his cheek, stroking it tenderly and marvelling at his handsome face.
"Aw, ya're gorgeous Prowler. So…no more holdin' back on me? Or me on ya?" he asked me, his helm tilted to the side and an easy grin on his face. I shook my own helm. My optics came back to his, and we had the same thought.
The next moment, the truth came out. Simultaneously, we said together, "I love you." I beamed at him and he grinned back. The next thing I know, he's snuggled into my side on the berth, and I'm slowly drifting off into recharge, overjoyed that he's in my arms.
A/N: Didn't want to do uni work, so this popped into my head instead. PLEASE REVIEW!