Letting Go Is Hard To Do – (Jogan/Light)
Logan sat in front of the grand piano at Derek Seigerson's childhood home. It felt like forever that he had last been in the house. But the last time he was there, there were three best friends instead of two. He sighed as he smelled the food being cooked on the grill outside by one of Derek's chefs.
His hands glided over the keys, his mind knowing exactly what song to sing. As he took a sharp breath, he heard a calm voice from behind him.
"Can you teach me, Logan?"
Logan smiled as he watched an older Amanda Seigerson take a seat next to him at the piano bench, her bright eyes shining with excitement as her fingers eagerly hovered over the black and white keys.
He gently placed the fifteen year olds hands on the keys and pressed his fingers on hers, making sure they hit the right key.
She sighed contently as they played, and he closed his eyes as he remembered the last time he played the song the echoed through his ears.
Logan walked into the church, his black suit fitting him nicely. All the girls stared as he glided down to the front of the church, where the grand piano sat. Logan made sure his eyes were fixed on the piano, and not on the horrific coffin that sat in the middle of the church.
He felt a gust of cold air wash over him as he passed the large block of metal that held his best friend. His throat becoming dry at the thought of the person who lay enclosed in it.
He sighed as he sat at the bench and began to play his song. His favorite song.
As he sang, he heard some others in the church silently cry; as they knew that this was his favorite song as well.
He looked up and saw Derek sitting next to his sister, Amanda, who looked adorably confused. She was smiling, unaware of her surroundings, and kept asking Derek,
"Bear, where's Jue?"
Logan felt his heart break as he heard her say this, but continued to sing, not giving a damn if his voice was cracking, or if his tears refused to stop falling.
Derek winced at the name and took a deep breath, attempting to keep his voice as controlled as he can. He needed to stay strong for Amanda.
"He went away, Panda."
"When is he coming back? I miss him. I want to play."
Derek shook his head, squeezed his little sisters hand and whispered,
"He can't come back. He went to play with Grandpa. Remember where he went? You do, don't you?"
Amanda's smile faded as she looked down to her feet, which were dangling off of the bench.
"So Jue is having a tea party with God, too?"
Derek nodded silently. And he held Amanda as she cried into his chest. Derek covered his mouth to muffle his own sob, but the attempt failed as the tears fell silently down his cheeks. He clutched Amanda closer to him as if she were the only thing that could keep him from falling over.
Logan felt his heart diminish as he finished the last few notes of the song, his voice becoming ever so smooth for those last notes. To honor him.
To honor Julian.
He felt the warmth of Amanda's hands leave his as they finished the song. He didn't notice he was silently crying until he felt Amanda wipe the tears from his eyes with her thumb.
He looked at her and noticed she had tears in her eyes, but was doing a very good job of covering them up.
"I miss Jue, too."
Logan laughed softly at the old nickname and said,
"You remember that? My god you were so young."
She smiled and nodded. "Yeah, well, as I got older, I got to learn your name. You and Derek don't talk about- about him much, so I still refer to him as Jue. I figure it's easier than hearing his real name."
Logan sniffed, but smiled at the girl.
Amanda put a hand on Logan's shoulder. "It's okay to miss him, Logan. I know he loved you. You don't have to hide the fact that you did too."
Logan shook his head. "It's hard to show it when he's not here to see it."
Amanda nodded and said, "I know. But, it's corny, but he's always watching you, Logan. I know he's always watching me."
Logan gave her a quizzical look as he heard Derek walk into his home, his arms full of groceries and alcohol.
"Hey Lo, can you help me out over here?"
Logan got up from the bench and relieved Derek of the heavy beer packs he had.
"Thanks, are you almost ready to go?"
Amanda shook her head. "You guys do this every year around this time. Why-"
"Panda, we do this every year, on this exact day."
Amanda shuddered at the nickname. "I told you a million times to stop calling me that!"
Derek smirked. "You loved it when you were little."
"Yeah, whatever." However she smiled and then said, "But really, why do you keep putting yourself through this?"
Logan glanced at Derek who shrugged, then looked back to Amanda.
"I think he'd murder us if we didn't do this."
Amanda rolled her eyes. "I think he'd smack you upside the head for doing this – feeling sorry and bad about what happened. But, I mean, we only had tea parties and dressed up as fairies and pirates. I suppose you do know him better, he was a diva, after all."
Logan and Derek shared a smile as they watched Amanda leave the room and head up the spiral staircase.
Logan sighed again as he faced Derek, who had three beer bottles in one hand, and a whole 6-pack in the other.
He smiled sadly, "Are you ready to go?"
Logan nodded and grabbed his coat off of the coat rack that stood in front of the door and followed his friend out the front door and to his car.
As they drove closer to their destination, Logan started to get nervous. Derek seemed to sense this, because he put a comforting hand on his shoulder and said,
"Hey. It's okay. It's been a year. I know it's hard for you. But-but we have to do this, at least this time. I-He- I just- We have to, Okay? I'll explain when we get there."
Logan shuddered as he felt Derek's hand leaving his shoulder, missing the warmth the hand produced.
Logan's eyes widened as he saw the sign in front of the large mass of land.
He sighed as Derek parked in the lot. They both got out of the car and Derek grabbed the three beers and the 6-pack. They both walked silently to the tomb stone they only visited once a year. They only visited together.
The tomb stone read: Julian Larson-Armstrong.
Logan felt the lump in his throat as Derek handed him a beer. He put the third bottle of beer next to the tombstone, among the nine others that surrounded his tombstone, for the nine other times Logan and Derek had been there to visit him.
Derek and Logan opened their beers and took a seat on the ground in front of the tombstone, each remembering their own memories they shared with the now deceased actor.
Derek sighed and reached into his pocket, pulling out a many times folded over single sheet of paper. He smiled weakly as he handed it to Logan.
"Look, I probably should have given this to you a while ago. But Julian told me if anything bad happened to him, to read it when I was ready. And he told me to give it to you when you were ready. And you haven't been ready Logan. At first, I didn't think you would ever be ready. But it's been ten years. I feel like shit holding onto this. So here." Logan frowned, but took the piece of paper and opened it.
Lo and Der,
Sorry I'm writing this instead of telling you face to face. I hate confrontation – I know, what a surprise.
But, I'm really afraid of what's going to happen to me. The threats from my stalker are getting worse, and I'm scared something bad is going to happen to me, or even to you guys. I would say this out loud, but you guys would reassure me that I'll be okay and that you'll protect me. I believe you guys, but that doesn't stop my fear.
So I guess I'm writing this as if it were my last "wishes" or my last "thoughts" I'd want you guys to know if something does happen to me. (Stop making that face, Derek. I know that this is me being dramatic, okay?)
So Derek, though we fight all of the time, you're the only one who truly saw me for who I was. I mean, you were an ass about it, but you somewhat helped me accept myself. If it had to be anyone who knew my secret, I'm glad it was you. I'm glad you didn't expose me, and that you trusted me enough to make my own decision. You don't know how grateful I am that you let me do things my way. Did you push me to make decisions? Yeah, but you never forced me to. And for that I have to thank you. You made the pain I was feeling a bit more bearable. (I mean, not much, but, you know, you get it).
And Logan, the biggest prick I've ever met. There was a single reason why I always took off to do movies and T.V shows and never told you.
It kills me to say this here instead of to your face. But you really don't get how awful I've felt because of what I'm about to tell you.
I'm terribly in love with you, Logan. I don't really know when it happened, or why, but it did.
I'm sorry I never told you. I'm sorry I kept this a secret. I'm sorry I left all of the time. I just couldn't be here, be in love with you, and watch you be with another guy. It was too hard. Every time I saw you with another person, I felt a little bit of me die inside. So I would leave. It was easier for me, and probably a fuck load off of your shoulders too – I wasn't always the best person to be around. But, you're one of my best friends, I should have told you. But I didn't. Fear of rejection and being exposed as being bi really scares the shit out of me. It's not something I'm ready to face. If I ever do, is the question though.
I'm afraid something is going to happen to me, Logan. That's why I'm telling you this. If something bad does happen, then you will know, and I'll know that you know. And that gives me some peace.
If nothing happens to me at all, well, then this letter will be pointless, and maybe someday I can pluck up the courage to tell you how I feel.
We're all graduating today, so I need to put my face on. But you guys are my best friends, and regardless of what kind of love it is, I love you guys so much. Aside from my parents, you're the only two I consider family, and people I never want out of my life. Without you two, things for me here at Dalton would probably be shit.
Alright, well, goodbye.
Logan wiped the fresh tears as his green eyes pierced the letter, memorizing the delicate handwriting of Julian's. Tracing his fingers over his signature, he shook his head.
"I remember graduation like it was yesterday. It was the worst day of my life. It was a day like today." The boys both looked up at the beautiful spring sky. It was ten years ago today that Julian Larson died.
Derek nodded and took a swig of his beer, and watched as Logan did the same, only completely down his beer in one shot.
"Logan, be careful."
"This isn't fair, Derek. Why was Julian, of all fucking people, taken from me – from us?"
Derek sighed. "I don't know. I- I don't know."
Logan choked back another sob as he re-read the letter.
"I-I knew he loved me. He told me right-right before he-he-"
Derek embraced his friend and rubbed his back soothingly. He knew Julian told Logan his feelings right before he died. He also knew that Logan never forgave himself for never giving Julian a chance. For never seeing him.
"I feel like such an ass. I regret so many things in my life. I regret never seeing him."
Derek sighed. "You couldn't have known, Lo."
"I fucking could have, Derek!" Logan pulled away from him, his eyes red and tearful.
"Logan, don't do this to yourself. I know you loved him. Deep down, I always knew you loved him."
Logan shuddered and wiped the tears from his eyes. "I just wish I realized it while he was still fucking alive. Sometimes, I feel so bad, Derek, I can't even breathe. You don't know how many times I've called out of work just because I literally couldn't breathe."
Derek nodded and looked into Logan's eyes.
"I know you love him, but you have to let him go, Logan. That's why I showed you the letter. That's the last piece you have of him. Now you have to let him go," He felt tears come to his own eyes as he watched Logan sob; it was hard for him to watch. Logan was always s strong. He put both of his hands on his shoulders, "You have to move on from this. You can always keep him in your heart. I know I always will. But he wouldn't want you to wallow in your own self-pity. He'd want you to get off your ass and do something. It sucks he can't be here with you, with us. I loved him too, Logan. I miss him too, but I let him go-"
"You don't love him like I do." Logan choked out.
Derek nodded. "I know. I know it's harder for you than it will ever be for me. But you have to try at least, to move on. It's been ten years. You need to move on from him. He isn't coming back, Logan."
Logan put his face in his hands and let the tears come. Every fiber of his being was crying. He was crying for the ten years he didn't cry. For the ten years he didn't show a single emotion over the death of his friend, of the boy he had subconsciously always been in love with.
Derek wiped a stray tear from him eye and turned away from Logan to look at Julian's headstone. He sighed and sniffed as he patted the cold marble and ran his hand over it.
"Miss you, buddy." He whispered.
He looked over to Logan who was standing up, still wiping the tears from his eyes. He sniffed and took a deep breath and walked over to the tombstone. He glanced at Derek and nodded. Derek smiled, patted him on the back and grabbed the 6-pack of beer and headed towards the car.
Logan kneeled by the tombstone ran his hand over Julian's name. He sighed and said,
"I don't want to let you go. I'm not ready. It's too soon."
He suddenly felt cold. He looked up to the sky and saw that it was getting wickedly cloudy. He gasped and looked down at the tombstone.
"Did-did you just do that?"
He heard the thunder clap again, only louder. Logan sighed and had a teary smirk.
"You really are an ass. But I miss you so much, Julian. If you want me to let you go, I will."
It started to rain heavily, and Logan smiled, kissed his own hand, and placed it on top of the tombstone.
"I love you too, Jules."
It thundered again and Logan rose, walking slowly back to the car. He smiled to himself as he took a deep breath.
Logan Wright felt as though he could breathe again.