'I Hate Wizards in Fairytales; They Always Turn Out To Be Him.'


As much as he loves them, and he really does; they're both fantastic and brilliant, The Doctor was really beginning to get tired of Amy and Rory's constant bickering. It happened nearly every minute of every day of every week for the last month, ever since they had tied the knot. And he hated how guilty they were making him fell; purely because, the bulk of the topics the Ponds had been quarrelling about were over him.

River Song glanced over at him, concern all over her creamy, textured face. She sighed out loud, also in annoyance. They were both completely exhausted after many sleepless nights. As usual, the majority of the 'happy' couple's arguments happened sometime around midnight and apparently, with all the TARDIS's amazing features as a time machine, it could not manage to conjure up some sound-proofed walls. River and The Doctor had tried so many times to reconcile Amy and Rory, tried every tactic in the books (apart from the actually useful ones that The Doctor had so cleverly thrown into a supernova many a century ago), but nothing was coming to a conclusion.

The shouting coming from the corridor next to the large, overseeing balcony that looked over the console rose to a most terrifying crescendo of shouting and screaming and yelling. The noise echoed off the thin, metallic walls and reverberated back into the console room where The Doctor and River Song were desperately trying to block out the noise by setting the engines on the loudest volume possible; but they could still hear a loud Scottish accent shouting in the din of the room,

'Rory, grow up! It was almost a year ago and it did not mean anything, nothing at all!' Amy yelled deafeningly.

The Doctor's cheeks started to gradually shift colour from pale, snow white to deep tomato red; he knew where this particular argument was going. It hadn't come up yet, but he had known it would arise at some point.

'It was just a kiss! He didn't do anything, don't blame him! We had had a rough day, you wouldn't know how hard it was, and I just got a bit confused and upset and he was there and he comforted me.' Amy roared again against Rory's retaliating cries.

The Doctor then prayed to every single God that he could possibly think of at the present moment for Amy not to mention anything else.

Up above, Rory smashed his fist against one the walls in frustration and the TARDIS actually wobbled slightly from the sheer force. He plucked up some incredible amount of courage and said,

'You don't just go around kissing people; especially aliens. Just admit that you liked it!'

The Doctor slapped a hand against his head in annoyance.

'Okay, so me and The Doctor snogged and it was quite nice; happy now?' Amy snarled angrily.

The Doctor smashed his head against the TARDIS console three times before staring up at River Song, who had one eyebrow raised and was not even attempting to conceal a satisfied smirk. He out his hands behind his head and blew out in frustration and embarrassment. But even over the roar of the TARDIS engines and the yells of the Pond's argument, The Doctor heard something altogether more terrible. It was River Song, and she happened to be actually crying with hysterical laughter. Tears of utter mirth rolled down her cheeks, along with half of her mascara.

'Oh if you could see your face right now,' she cried out, slapping her hand for support against the console. The Doctor glared magnificently at her until, after a few moments of breathlessness, River Song calmed down, wiping tears from the corner of her sapphire eyes. River smiled over at The Doctor in amusement, her bouncing curls shrouding her face and waving crazily around in the air when she moved. He growled at her but couldn't stop himself from winking at her slightly.

Amy and Rory slowly began to dial down the volume and mass of their quarrelling and left The Doctor and River Song in several minutes of beautiful, beautiful silence; the first bout of silence for three weeks and five days. The Doctor thanks every single person in the entire cosmos ever for these moments.

The heavy clomp of leather boot against metal stairs sent shivers down both of River and The Doctor's arms. Amy Jessica Pond stormed into the spacious room, eyes puffy and rimmed with streaks of red. Her hazel eyes were bloodshot.

Rory followed a few seconds later, looking slightly ruffled and annoyed. His cheeks were slightly damp from tears, but not from the same reason as River Song.

Amy cleared her throat loudly, choking out a few remaining sobs and asked, her voice croaking and cracking,

'So urm, where are we off to then?'

The Doctor paused for a second before sending a 'help me!' look to River Song who smirked and beckoned to him. Amy rolled her eyes at The Doctor as River Song whispered in his ear and a bright, beaming smile appeared on his chiselled face,

'How about Australia?' The Doctor offered, 'Good old Oz?'

Amy smiled but then snidely added,

'Rory was going to take me to Australia, but he never did…'

Rory gave her a mocking, sturdy gaze,

'No, we didn't because I had to spend all the money on the wedding ring that you wanted.'

'But you won't even let me wear it!' Amy said back, her voice rising to a slightly louder volume once again.

'I don't want you to lose it. It was very expensive!' Rory shouted back.

'Are you saying that I would?' Amy questioned furiously, scandalized tones seeping into her accusation.

River shook her head in utter disbelief and then elbowed The Doctor in the ribs painfully and gave him a certain look that was desperately saying 'DO SOMETHING QUICKLY'.

Amy and Rory were stood, two inches away from each other's angry faces, glaring. You could literally see steam rolling out of Amy's ears.

'Well, erm,' The Doctor shouted, standing between the married couple, slightly anxious and nervous, before carrying on in his mad manner, 'So, off to good old Oz?'

Amy nodded in approval and The Doctor ran around the console, inserted co-ordinates confidently and efficiently, pulling odd levers, pressing random buttons and rolling the old time wheels which caused a few bumps and shakes. At one point, the TARDIS started to spin like that fairground ride that spins so quickly you get stuck to the walls, and this actually happened for a while before River Song ran towards the console and pressed several buttons before the TARDIS calmed down. River patted the Time Rotor soothingly and murmured,

'I don't know how you put up with him.' She also, whilst at a seat of power by the console, pressed the blue stabilizers and caused a look of utter disapproval to appear on The Doctor's handsome face.

The Doctor stalked over to River Song and whispered in her ear,

'Boring-ers.' She grinned cheekily, before a large ringing sound erupted from out of nowhere.

'What did you press?' The Doctor yelled, running around to the scanner which was flashing bright red.

'I didn't do anything!' River shouted back, 'What did you do?'

'Nothing! I just set the co-ordinates for Oz!' The Doctor said frantically, desperately smashing a mallet against a broken button.

River Song walked over to the scanner and double checked everything The Doctor had typed and gasped in shock at one fatal error,

'But these co-ordinates; they're set for Oz but not Australia,' she stared at him in incredulity, 'You have got to be kidding me.'

The Doctor leaned in towards River Song's face and tapped her nose in secrecy, 'It's a team building exercise.'

'Oh, don't you dare bring me into this!' River exclaimed darkly, suddenly catching on.

The Doctor winked crudely, a smile catching on the corners of his lips.

Amy and Rory were still shooting daggers at each other, and had not even noticed River punching The Doctor in the chest and knocking him over to the floor. They did, however, hear him crash against the floors and began to moan in agony.

'Owwwwww, River! What was the point in that?' he exclaimed, pulling himself off of the floor in pain.

'I am not being involved in this.' She hissed angrily, standing only millimetres away from his face, but he could detect the tiniest hint of amusement glinting away in her sparkling eyes.

'River, you're going to love it. Trust me.'

She almost retorted, but bit her tongue and considered. Too many times, she had given him a billion reasons not to trust her, but he still did; she had to give him this one chance.

'Okay, fine, but none of your silly little tricks Doctor, or I swear to God I will slap you again,' The Doctor's face turned white in fear for a fleeting second,

'And what about you?' River continued, 'You know this is partly your fault.' She said, pulling one of his braces and letting it collide with his recently bruised chest.

'I know, I know. But, here we go,' he said excitedly, 'GERONIMO!' he yelled, the TARDIS lighting turning electric blue and suddenly, River found herself being lifted several feet off the ground in a bright beam of white light. Amy and Rory were also picked up and started hovering and started shouting at each other in shock and annoyance, at once blaming each other. It was a transmat beam. Within a couple of seconds, River could see no one else and suddenly a huge flash of blinding light and she landed unconscious, in a heap on some sort of ground that was not the TARDIS floor.

Minutes later, Doctor River Song woke up feeling very dizzy and slightly overwhelmed. The transmat beam used in Stormcage, the one she was very used to, was far more sophisticated than the one in the TARDIS. River sat up for a couple of seconds, allowing her head to stop spinning and then, very cautiously, began to stand.

Before she stood, however, River Song took a quick gaze around at her surroundings. The sky was an impossibly bright blue, there was not a cloud in sight; the sun was beaming and radiating warmth over every hill in existence. She was surrounded by apple green fields of long, sweet grass and seemed to be sat on a large, what looked like an everlasting stretch of yellow brick road.

And then River Song remembered exactly why and what she was doing here. Oh, damn him. She rose rather unsteadily and looked down to see herself in three inch ruby red sparkly heels with light blue ankle socks.

'Oh, he is towing the line here,' River muttered, not wanting to look at what else she was wearing. And then she almost died of complete humiliation. He had taken this miles past the line; he had taken this so far past the line, the line was not even visible anymore.

River was wearing a cream-white shirt that came to the top of her neck, like a turtle-neck jumper, with huge puff ball sleeves. Over the shirt, she wore an exact replica of the blue and white chequered pinafore Dorothy wore in the 1939 movie, The Wizard of Oz. The pinafore was exactly the same, only shorter – a lot shorter. River put a hand through her springing curls, and when she wrenched out a blue ribbon from the top of her head, she swore she would've smacked The Doctor so hard he would've been out for at least a week.

There was only one thing that pleased her in any way; she still had her disintegrator gun, which was tucked into a pocket in her skimpy pinafore.

Taking one last ridiculous look at herself, River Song began walking up the yellow brick road in a northerly direction to find The Doctor, Amy and Rory, all the while thinking He is going to bloody pay for this.