Happy Royal Wedding, everyone! To celebrate the big day, here's something light and fluffy and cracky to drool over. Contains conduct incredibly unbecoming of any member of the House of Windsor. Doctor Who is property of the BBC. The Royal Family are the property of themselves.
The bells of Westminster Abbey rung out loudly and joyously above the London streets; today was the biggest, most celebratory event in British history in thirty years.
Princess Kate and Prince William strode out onto the balcony, newlyweds at long last. The crowds of British civilians and luminaries cheered and waved below them. They kissed, and the crowd cheered louder. "This is the happiest day of my life," whispered Kate into William's ear. He kissed her again. "Me too."
Suddenly, a whoosh of wind disrupted the crowd, and something went vworp vworp vworp. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II got up out of her chair and ordered her bodyguards to find the source of the noise.
A large blue police box materialized out of thin air onto the balcony. The Prince and Princess dashed out of the way as the doors of the police box opened. Out strode the Doctor, clad in his tweed jacket and bow tie.
"Hello, Wembley Stadium!" he announced, loudly. He didn't notice the completely befuddled couple cowering in fear next to him, and he definitely didn't notice the Royal Guards, in their black fuzzy hats and red uniforms, pointing their guns at him from below.
"Who are you?" demanded the lead guard, inching a bit closer to the wedding crasher. The Doctor looked around warily, very much confused… then he realized what was happening.
"Oooh, I definitely don't think this is Wembley Stadium," he said embarrassedly. He pulled out his Sonic Screwdriver, sonicked the guards and the balcony, and checked the readings. "Westminster Abbey, April 29th, 2011… the Royal Wedding!" He clapped his hands together gleefully. "I love weddings! Especially royal weddings. When the Magistrate of Molvara married the Duchess of Ganymede… now that was a royal wedding!"
The Doctor spun around and noticed William and Kate, too scared to say anything. A big smile lit up his face. He skipped over to the prince and princess and hugged them. "And this is the lucky couple! It's Prince William Windsor of Wales, and Princess Kate Middleton Windsor of London. A dream couple if I ever saw one, other than Amy Pond and Rory Williams, of course –"
THWACK. Something swung against his head, and he was sent spinning.
The Doctor spun around again to see who had whacked him on the side of the head. Her Majesty the Queen of England, Elizabeth II stood angrily in front of him, clutching her handbag and positively fuming.
"Your Majesty!" The Doctor bowed overdramatically and kissed Her Majesty's hand. The Queen simply glared bitterly at him. Her eyes could pierce through a solid brick.
"Yeah, so… about all that, then…" He shrugged nervously and put his hand behind his head guiltily. More glaring from Her Majesty followed an awkward silence. The royal guards prepared to fire.
"Congratulations to the Prince and Princess, and God save the Queen!"
He saluted, ran back into the TARDIS, and slammed the door. As the TARDIS dematerialized back into the space-time continuum, Queen Elizabeth II walked over to William and Kate and hugged them.
"Who was that, Grandmama?" asked Prince William, holding Kate's hand tightly.
The Queen sighed and patted her grandson's back.
"An old 'friend' of mine, that's all…" she said. "He was just an old friend…"