"A Wild FANFIC Appears!" By Mereo Flere
A/N: Just something for fun that I wrote under in about half an hour.
They had been lying in wait for Ilyasviel and her servant for a few hours now, ready to ambush them when they finally appeared. Rin knew that it was a dirty tactic, but it was their only chance of winning now that her Archer had been killed while he bought her and the others time to escape. Even after they had spent the night "charging" Saber up, there was no guarantee that the King of Knights would be able to take on Berserker head on. They needed to catch Ilyasviel off guard and hit her with a surprise attack… or at least that had been the plan.
"Shirou!" Rin hissed, as he gallantly strode into the clearing. "What are you doing?"
"Getting out in the open," Shirou said, glancing back. "The battle can't start until she sees me, you know."
Rin face palmed. "For the last time, this isn't Pokémon! You're going to get yourself killed!"
"Don't worry Tohsaka," Shirou said as he confidently pumped a fist in the air. "I know what I'm doing. I'm going to win."
"Have you forgotten the fact that she's already beaten you before?"
"That's only because I had only just gotten Saber at that point. We've gotten stronger since then."
Rin's eye twitched, before looking to Saber. "You," she said, pointing at the other girl. "You've have to talk some sense into him."
Saber nodded. "She's right, Shirou," the knight said sternly.
"We've only defeated Rider since our last match with Berserker, and she seemed to be pretty low in level. It shouldn't have been enough to level me up."
Rin stared at Saber, before sighing. So what if Saber was a little crazy, Shirou should listen to that reasoning. "Whatever," she said with a shrug. "The point is, Shirou, you can't just attack Berserker head on."
Shirou clicked his tongue three times, wagging his finger at the two girls. "You're forgetting something important, Saber," he said confidently. "We did a lot of grinding last night. How could you forget either, Tohsaka? You were there too you know."
"…that was to transfer prana to your servant!" Rin retorted, a small blush on her face. "It's not the same kind of grinding you do in an RPG! Even if this was a game, you don't get experience points from that sort of thing!"
"Really?" Shirou said, raising a brow. "It worked in God of War, with the –"
"Shut up! You're hurting my brain!" Rin shouted. "In any case, I refuse to let you walk straight to your death!
"That's nice Rin, but-"
"Seriously!" she yelled, stomping her foot. "You need to stop talking Shirou, and get back here at once!"
"No buts!" Rin declared, crossing her arms. "If you really have something to say, I'll listen to it after you get your ass back into cover! If you don't start walking back, right now, I swear I am going to shove a jewel so far up your ass that you'll be choking on it!"
Shirou, for a moment, wondered if she was serious. After examining the glare she was giving him, however, he decided not to take the chance. "Okay, okay!" Shirou said, raising his hands in defeat.
With that, Shirou jogged over. "Was that so hard?" Rin asked with a tired sigh. Really, she shouldn't have to work this much just trying to keep him alive.
"No, not really. Still, I think you should hear what I have to say."
"Well," Rin said, preparing herself for the headache that was sure to come with whatever inane thing he was going to say. "Go ahead. I'm listening."
"Ilyasviel is already here," he said bluntly, pointing at Rin. No, wait, he was pointing at something behind Rin.
"…you have to be kidding me," Rin said, not daring to turn around. "This is a joke right? Tell me this is one of your stupid jokes, Shirou."
"Onii-chan!" a voice behind Rin yelled. "I, Ilyasviel von Einzbern, challenge you to battle!"
Rin really hated her life at that moment. She really, really hated her life.
"So, uh, should I keep on hiding?" Shirou asked, looking over Rin – before waving to Ilyasviel.
"Do whatever you like," Rin said, throwing her arms up in defeat. "We're all going to die now anyway."
Rin knew the odds were stacked against Shirou. Still, part of her still hoped that there might be a miracle today – maybe come up with some trick that could defeat Berserker.
"Saber, use razor wind!"
…then again, that was probably just wishful thinking.
"Like I said, Shirou, this isn't Pokémon! That isn't going to-"
"Okay, Shirou!" Saber said – raising her invisible sword above her head. To Rin's surprise, a gale of wind came out as she brought the blade down – flying at Berserker. In that instant, Rin's hope rose up again, just in time to see the attack do absolutely nothing when it hit Berserker. The giant didn't even stagger, and instead just stood there as if there had been nothing more than a stiff breeze passing by.
"Tsk," Shirou said. "It isn't very effective."
"He must be a rock or ground type, Shirou!"
"Of course," Shirou said, slapping his forehead. "I should have realized that, what with his body being so grey. Do you have any water or grass attacks?"
"Unfortunately no," Saber said sadly, shaking her head.
Really, why had she ever expected anything out of these two to begin with? "Why don't you try Hyper Beam," she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
"That's it!" Shirou said. "Great idea Tohsaka!"
"Wait," Rin said, blinking, "What?"
"Saber, use Hyper Beam!"
"Got it Shirou!" Saber said with a nod, raising her sword once again. "Ex…"
This was impossible. This was ridiculous. Rin refused to believe this was happening.
"Berserker, no!" Ilya shouted, as her servant was engulfed by a brilliant beam of light.
...and, just like that the battle was over. Well, maybe not quite over.
"O-Onii-chan, what do you think you're doing?"
"Shirou," Rin said blandly, looking over to where he ran to after Berserker died. "Why are you molesting Ilyasviel?"
Shirou blinked, looking back at Rin – hands still going through Ilyasviel's pockets. "Eh? Isn't it normal to take money from enemy trainers?"