GANON PLANS TO KIDNAP KATE
(AP) CASTLE TOWN, HYRULE
In a statement released today, the King of Evil, Ganondorf, announced his plans to kidnap Princess Catherine at some point during the royal honeymoon.
"I just feel like it's something I should do," the Dark Lord told reporters. "It's been almost five years since I kidnapped a princess, and England seems like it'd be nice to invade this time of year. Plus, Zelda won't return my calls, and Kate kind of looks like her, don't you think?"
I was able to secure an exclusive interview with Ganondorf, who elaborated on his plans.
How do you plan to carry out this kidnapping?
Ganondorf: "I was thinking maybe I'd have a giant bird swoop down and snatch Kate out of the carriage or something. Or, and this might be fun, I might just walk in during one of those banquets they're always having, beat up a few guards, and toss her over my shoulder. That seems to work pretty well."
What are your plans for the Princess?
"Well, I've got a castle in Bavaria I recently got real cheap from Nicolas Cage, so I figure I'd hold Kate there and set up some quest-type things for Prince William to do in order to get her back. I kidnapped his grandmother once back when she was a Princess, so she ought to be able to give him some sage advice and whatnot. I bet he can even get his dad to loan him Camilla as his trusty steed." *laughs*
Could you elaborate on the obstacles you'll be putting in Prince William's way?
"Oh, giant spiders, tentacle monsters, hundred-foot snakes, that sort of thing. Maybe a Darknut or two. William is a helicopter pilot, though, so I figure I'll send a swarm of dragons and evil birds at him. It ought to be pretty cool to watch. But I'll make sure he has to do some sword-work, too; he should be able to find at least one he can actually fight with somewhere in that palace of his.
"I figure I'll pretend to not notice when Kate uses her magic powers to contact him, so that he doesn't get too lost on the way. There's nothing more boring than waiting for the Hero to show up, you know. I mean honestly, sometimes it takes those guys days to get through dungeons I tossed together in half an hour. It seriously makes me wonder how they keep beating me."
Plans for England, in case William isn't successful?
"You know, the usual; I'll turn it into a blighted wasteland, perpetually covered by clouds. Basically make it just like Scotland, really." *laughs* "I kid the people of Scotland; it's actually quite a lovely place. Don't quote me on this, but those guys get kind of grouchy, know what I mean?"
I'm of primarily Scottish descent, myself, actually. I ought to give ya a Glasgow Handshake, ya bastard. So, any final thoughts?
"As added incentive for William to hurry up, I figure I'll keep Kate chained to my evil throne, maybe in a nice metal bikini or something." *growls suggestively, waggles eyebrows*
How appropriately evil. Thanks for taking the time to talk with us, Your Evilness.
"My pleasure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd better go get started. I've managed to convince Harry this is a prank I'm playing on his brother, so he says he'll help me out."
Author's Note: 'Glasgow Handshake'(via Urban Dictionary . com): "To headbutt someone. See also 'Glasgow Kiss'. Popular in Scotland, apparently."
You know I had to do something like this. ;P