AN: Yes. This is the best parody of Dora you will likely ever read.
Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Dora the Explorer, because if I did it would be rated TV 14 and all the characters would be way OOC and totally awesome!
"Oh my, Dora! Are you like flippin' retarded?" Dora's mother who we are going to call D.M. because it's shorter insulted her daughter.
"Why do you ask?" Dora set her eyes on the wall, not looking at D.M.
D.M. picked up a vase and threw it at Dora's face. The five year old was bleeding and turned to the audience. "Will you help me pick out my band aid?"
Silence erupted from the crowd.
"Okay! Backpack, will you come here?" Dora requested from her knapsack companion.
"No way! Screw you!" Backpack screamed.
"Get the heck over here!" Dora shouted at the arguing inanimate object who could magically talk, but no one could explain how.
Grumbling backpack complied. Dora then said, "Now can you please offer me and the others the band aids."
Backpack opened up while singing, "Backpack! Backpack! Ba—you know what? Screw you!"'
He threw the random band aids at the already bloodied Dora who cursed quietly and then put on a fake smile and turned to the crowd. "Should I use the big one, the small one, or the medium one?" An arrow mouse pointer clicked over the largest band aid. "Good choice! The big band aid because this is a huge mess!"
"No dip! Your mother is right! You really are retarded!" Backpack then stormed out of the room by floating.
"I'm on a show for like three year olds! I have to be (censored) retarded!" Dora then added, "Will you help me put the band aid on?"
The mouse slapped the band aid over Dora's face and the children in the background yelled with fake enthusiasm, "YAY!"
Through the object covering her mouth Dora said, "Good job!" You could barely understand what she was saying, but the point was implied by her lame thumbs up.
Just then a load of armed cops rushed into the room. "We know this is a house full of illegal immigrants! Put your hands in the air!"
Dora and the cops did not notice each other, probably because of the annoyance and cover of the giant band aid. When Dora was actually able to pull the sticky, adhesive object off of her face D.M. was gone as well as her father.
"What the heck?" Dora turned around in a circle, only to see that backpack had been left behind. "Oh great, so they take two abusive parents, but forget the sarcastic talking inanimate object?"
Dora just glared at Backpack when Backpack said something that was actually worth their time. "They took your parents back to Mexico so we just have to go on a mission and rescue them."
"You actually had a great idea…for once!" Dora excitedly pointed out.
Just then Boots walked into the house, tripping over his feet, a beer bottle in hand. He got out the slurred words through his drunken state, "Hey, Dora. Hey, random talking inanimate object."
"Hayz, soo waz wa doiz tzday?" Boots asked while throwing his arms around, spilling beer all over the floor.
"Uh…I think the answer to your question is stealing my horrible parents back from the police. By the way why are we rescuing them anyway?" Dora directed the question at Backpack.
"'Cus it's what the viewers would want to see," Backpack replied, latching himself to Dora's back as she rolled her eyes.
"Well then let's get map out," Dora suggested, pulling the Map out of the its pouch.
Map screamed, "Map is totally flippin' awesome! Suck it all of you!" With that said he opened up as a shocked crowd and the cast stared at him.
"Okaaay? Can you just tell us which way to go?" Dora sighed and tried to coax the weirdo paper to do as she said.
"Uh…west maybe. No east! Actually north? Wait…..Yeah it's north…isn't it?" Map confusedly told them.
"What the hackit? You're supposed to be giving us directions!" Dora reprimanded the map. "Just tell us the destinations."
"First we go to Florida and we party our hearts out while playing Candyland. Then we go to the Mexican border and cross the dangerous Rio Grande while illegally sneaking Dora's crack across the river. After that we steal your parents out of the awesomely awesome worn down piece of crap mud hut. But we're not done there, afterward we vacation to Alaska and play life-size Candyland!" Map gave out the random directions.
"Wow...um…okay! We'll we set off tomorrow after Boots gets over the horrendous hangover he's bound to have," Dora suggested. She then knocked the beer bottle out of Boot's hand, and with that the group prepared for the day to come.