Author's Note – This is not my best work. I know it isn't. In fact, this might just be my worst (published) work yet. But I was reading some Ogden Nash, and this little idea popped in from nowhere. So I wrote it. It's probably really confusing, so please tell me what formatting would make it better in the REVIEW THAT YOU WILL WRITE. For clarity, I'll explain a bit now. Anything that is not part of the poem/play is italicized, and any title or name of the author is underlined. In one play, there is singing. The singing is put in italics, too.

And because I'm impatient, this is to be my cheerful story used to counter-act the depressiveness of Bones and Babies.

This is a collection of poems and plays (thus the title) written by the society to keep Milligan entertained during his multiple stays in a body-cast. Only a few of these were written between the second and third books – the rest were all done for Milligan when he got injured on later missions. End of incredibly long author's note.

Disclaimer – (A note from Constance – What? Grammar Defender doesn't own me! Mr. Benedict does. Nor does she own any of my friends. What on Earth made you think that she did?) Miss Contraire is quite correct. I own not Constance nor Curtain nor any of the other characters.

Limerick of an Epic Battle

By Kate Wetherall

There once was poor Milligan's face,

Which got hit by a Ten Man's briefcase.

He fell off of the roof

(The silly old goof)

And he's recovering here at home base!

The Mysterious Benedict Society: A Musical

Written by Constance Contraire and Reynie Muldoon

Directed by Rhonda Kazembe (And me!) and Constance

Filmed by Number Two

Cast: Reynie Muldoon as Reynie Muldoon and S.Q. Pedalian

Kate Wetherall as Kate Wetherall, other child, and Jillson

Sticky Washington as Sticky Washington, other child, and Milligan

Constance Contraire as Constance Contraire, other child, and Martina Crowe

Mr. Benedict as Mr. Benedict and Mr. Curtain

Rhonda Kazembe as Rhonda Kazembe and Number Two (because Number Two was filming, she couldn't play herself)


[Stone building in background. RHONDA KAZEMBE is tossing a PENCIL into the air and catching it. The PENCIL falls into the GRATE (heating duct in floor, in our case.). REYNIE approaches her, carrying his PENCIL and ERASER]

REYNIE: Hello!


REYNIE: What's wrong? You look sad.

RHONDA: I dropped my pencil into that grate. Of all the days to drop a pencil…

REYNIE: Hmm… Well, I could give you my pencil.

RHONDA: But then you wouldn't have a pencil! I wouldn't want to deprive you of the special opportunities.

REYNIE: [Thinks for a moment, then takes his PENCIL and snaps it in half. He gives the sharpened half to RHONDA, who looks at him oddly.] There! Now I can sharpen my half, and we'll both have a pencil!

RHONDA: Wow! That's really clever! I would never have thought of that. Thanks for helping me out… [looks expectantly at REYNIE, wanting his name]

REYNIE: Reynie.

RHONDA: Thanks, Reynie! You know, [in a whisper] I could help you on the test. [REYNIE looks confused] I know the answers! [she takes out a piece of paper and shows it to him] If you want, I could give this to you. It has all the answers.

REYNIE: [thinks for a minute, then shakes head] I'm a dull goon, in my brain there's no room. (Constance! Erase that!) (Fine, but I won't erase it – I'll just rewrite it)[thinks for a minute, then shakes head]Thanks, but I think I'd like to try by myself.

RHONDA: [shrugs and stows paper in sleeve] Suit yourself. Good luck, kid! [walks OFFSTAGE]


NUMBER TWO: Here are your tests! You may begin as soon as you get them. [gives a test to REYNIE]

REYNIE: [singing] Special opportunities.

Special opportunities.

What would I give to belong?

What would I trade to have friends? [Looks at test for the first time. Looks stunned. ] [speaking to self] This test is impossible! How could anyone know all of these answers? [singing again]

Special opportunities;

If I pass this test, they'll be mine.

Special opportunities;

If I got them that would be fine!

OTHER CHILDREN and RHONDA and REYNIE: [all singing] We need the opportunity to shine!

Special opportunities will be mine!

RHONDA: Soon they'll be put to the test…

OTHER CHILDREN: Until we win we will not rest!

REYNIE: All I need to do is think…

OTHER CHILDREN: Am I brave, am I brave…

REYNIE: Am I brave or do I shrink? [shouted] I hope!

NUMBER TWO: Now I will read the names of everyone who passed. [looks at piece of paper] Reynard Muldoon! [looks up] That is all.


(Note from Constance – Sticky cut his finger and bled all over the rest of the script and Milligan fell asleep, so we saw no reason to a) save the script or b) finish the performance.)

Stuck in a Room with Reynie Muldoon

A poem by Constance Contraire

I'm stuck in a room with Reynie Muldoon.

I'm trapped in a grate with brash, reckless Kate.

I'm in a place where it's icky and yes, I'm with Sticky.

I'm under a grate again, so of course I'm with Milligan!

I'm in a place I'm not fond of, with the company of Rhonda.

I'm feeling quite sick; I'm with Benedict.

My fate is uncertain – I must be with Curtain.

I'm soaked through-and-though – along with Number Two.

I'm full and won't go (away) - Yum! I'm with Moocho!

(A note from the Constance – The reason that this is so terrible and generally below my brilliant standards is that I was really tired and hungry when I wrote it. I could have done a much better job if I had written it after Moocho fed me as opposed to before.)

Ten Men

By Kate and Constance. But Mainly By Kate. Hey! I'm The One who Gave You all the Rhymes! You Are Not! Are Too!

The Ten Men are a horrid lot, with eyes ablaze and teeth a-rot.

A million evil weapons they've got.

And giving up? Never!

They hunt for us in numbers strong, with the silent Salamander along,

Looking for our little throng;

They are, I fear, quite clever.

McCracken, Hertz, and Crawlings, too, will walk along through fields of dew,

Putting us in quite a stew;

Escape, we shall endeavour.

They find us still, despite our skill,

And before our necks they sever,

We turn to fight on this dark night

With no hope whatsoever.

We win anyway – hip hip hooray!

The battle's won – we've saved the day.

Covered in mud and dirt and clay

We're the best ones ever!

The Story of how The Mysterious Benedict Society, aided and assisted by various residents of the Benedict Mansion, came to defeat the tyrant known by the name of Ledroptha Curtain during the Duskwort Incident and further, how they were forced to remain confined to the Mansion in the aftermath of this occurrence.

Written by Sticky Washington

Pertaining to the later comments of the members of The Mysterious Benedict Society, the Duskwort Incident was an extremely –

(A note from Constance, as George Washington is currently too embarrassed to speak – Milligan fell asleep at this point, so we feel no need to keep reading Sticky's 'story.' I suppose we apologize for the inconvenience, but I think that you're secretly thanking us.)

Author's Note – See? Told you it wasn't my best. Please do review this, along with its partner story Bones and Babies. They're meant to balance each other, as this is overly optimistic and Bones and Babies is overly pessimistic. So review them both, and I will be happy. Tell me what you think. Too confusing? Formatting issues? Dumb idea? Poorly executed? I'll never know (and never be able to fix it) if you don't tell me! Thanks for the time.

~Grammar Defender~