THIS. IS GOING. TO HAPPEN.
Seriously, it's been sitting in my files for months. I've been fighting with myself about whether or not to post it, seeing as I've got plenty of other stories to work on, but eh, I figured why the hell not? I kinda need some happy PompousPep though, so this is gonna be more comedy focused if I can manage it. Just something lighthearted and fun. :)
It all began on a quiet, Sunday afternoon. Although maybe it would make more sense to go back further than that. Maybe it began the day I accepted my own feelings and masturbated to a picture of Vlad in the bathroom, or perhaps it was when I snapped and jumped his bones only to discover that I wasn't the only one harboring a secret affection. I guess it doesn't really matter. Technically one could go all the way back and say it really started when Vlad's parents got divorced and left their son with the irrepressible urge to one day have his own, unbroken family, but I'm rambling again. Either way we were both enjoying a quiet lunch in the solitude of our kitchen when Vlad posed arguably one of the biggest questions of our relationship.
"Daniel, what do you think about children?"
After spewing half my lunch across the table, I kindly asked him to repeat the question. Unfortunately for me, I'd heard him correctly. He wanted kids. Children. Crumb-snatchers, to be accurate. I guess I should have seen this coming. He's always been a family kind of guy; crazy and psychotic, but still a family person nonetheless. Though in all honesty, the prospect of children wasn't such a bad idea. I was going on twenty-five, had a bachelor's degree, a job, a stable relationship. I was perfectly ready for the next chapter in my life.
But like everything else with Vlad, he had to go the complete and total nutty way about doing things.
"Daniel, I'm telling you, the science is completely valid. There's nothing-"
"I don't care how valid it is, there's no way in hell it's gonna happen."
"You agreed you want a family too, and this way it can truly be our family, no adoptions or outside donors necessary."
"All I'd have to do is stay in my ghost form for nine months and get pregnant."
"I can't believe we're even talking about this."
"Oh come now, it's not so bad-"
"Then why the hell don't you do it?"
"Ha ha! That's funny little badger. Seriously though-"
"Vlad." I stopped in the middle of the hallway, sharply turning around and putting my hands on my hips as I glared up at him. "I love you, but it's not gonna happen. I get enough crap from my friends about being the female in this relationship. I don't need to walk around with a baby in my nonexistent uterus."
"But that's just it, my boy, you don't need a uterus. Your ghost form will support the child and only minor human attributes will play a part."
"Minor human attributes? If I grow breasts so help me-"
"You're not going to grow breasts Daniel." He rolled his eyes, "Normal ghosts don't have to feed their children while carrying, but in our case it would be part human as well. Your ghost half will form a type of umbilical cord so the child can eat, since it's human half needs the nutrients, but nothing more."
I stared at him through narrowed eyes.
"Would my testicles shrink and mutate into ovaries?"
"No Daniel. Your testicles will be fine."
"How the hell would you get the damn thing out?"
"...Hm, well that makes-Wait, No! No, I am not considering this!"
Jeez, I hate it when he does that! I turned around and stomped away. I don't care how much he begs or uses big words, I was not about to become the first pregnant male.
"It's just nine months Daniel-"
"Oh yeah! Just nine months! I do have a job, you know, and a nosy family. Can you imagine if they barged in one day and I looked like a balloon?"
I'm sure the servants of our manor were cracking up by now, as well. Being the only people in the house, our voices have a tendency to carry. Particularly mine when I'm yelling at my psychotic partner. Even better, seeing as all the servants happen to be ghosts, I'm sure the entire Zone will be laughing by at least tomorrow thanks to Vlad's nutty idea. As if Skulker wasn't irritating enough already.
"We can tell them you're on a work related trip or something. I do it all the time, it's not that big of a deal."
"Vlad, I work at an observatory. We don't have work related trips."
"Well we'll come up with something, it's not a pressing problem."
"I beg to differ." I mumbled, imagining the look on my Dad's face if I told him I was pregnant.
"Daniel," he sighed exasperatedly, still following me through the halls. Honestly, I wasn't actually going anywhere. I just liked having him follow me around like a lost puppy. It helped my slowly dwindling masculinity. "I implore you, at least give it some thought."
He reached out and gently grabbed my arm, finally stopping me. With his guiding hand, I turned my pouting face towards him and grudgingly listened. I didn't like the look he was giving me. It was the one that I usually ended up caving to after a pointless amount of arguing.
"Think about it, Danny. It would be our child."
I had to say, that was probably the most and only appealing part about it. When he'd first mentioned kids, I thought he meant adopting or finding a surrogate mother. But then the kid wouldn't really be ours, which left a slightly bitter taste in our aspirations. So of course, Vlad spent nearly three weeks scouring the ghost zone for ways to get the impossible, running a multitude of tests and reading countless books. And what's his brilliant solution?
"Why can't you, like, stick it in a tube or something?" I scrunched up my face. "Babies grow in tanks, don't they?"
"No Daniel, that would be fish. Babies require a type of incubation process, one that I can't replicate no matter how hard I try. Believe me, I did. Mainly because I knew you would not receive the idea of-"
"-of incubation so well. Really, my boy, that's all you're doing in the end. The embryo just needs the natural ectoplasm circulating in your ghost half to grow correctly."
"Vlad, don't play semantics with me. I've know you long enough to catch your little argument ploys."
He narrowed his eyes and tried to come back with a retort but had none, instead letting a grudgingly impressed smirk steal across his lips. I waited, feeling a little proud of myself, though I'd never tell him that. I swear, the whole conversation we were having was just crazy to begin with...
"Wouldn't it be more ghost than human if it formed and grew in my ghost half?" I questioned, not wanting our child to be more dead than alive if by some miniscule chance I did go though with it. Which I wasn't.
"No," he replied, "Even though you feel more ghost when you're in your ghost form, you're still half human. The same applies to the baby. It will be formed with human and ghost sperm; the incubation process only serves the purpose of growing it, not determining it's humanity."
"Sperm plus sperm doesn't equal baby, Vlad. That's basic science."
He smirked triumphantly at me though, that scientific gleam in his eyes.
"Yes, I thought so too, until the ghost zone proved me wrong. The reproductive process of ghosts is genderless. It has the unique ability to mold into whatever form is needed, sperm or egg, to create offspring. Its flexibility is a side effect of being made up of mostly ectoplasm, which has no definite form or shape to begin with. So, human sperm plus the reproductive process of a ghost does equal a baby, no matter what the gender of the ghost is."
"...so, wait...I will grow ovaries?" This was getting complicated.
"No." he smiled patiently, "The reproductive ectoplasm inside of you will act similar to an egg only for the time of forming an embryo. After that, the child will incubate within the ectoplasm of your ghost half, not a uterus."
"What happens if I turn human while I'm...er...incubating?"
"That's the only bad part." Vlad winced (as though being a pregnant male wasn't bad), "Quite simply, you'd die. It would be like suddenly shoving a half formed baby in the middle of your organs."
"What!" I shouted, now convinced he was totally off his rocker. "I can't stay in my ghost form for nine months! Are you trying to kill me?"
"Of course not. That's why I made this." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a vial full of brightly glowing something. It was white-ish green and looked thick.
"...you've had that in your pocket this entire time?"
"It's highly concentrated ectoplasm combined with natural ghost nutrients." He said, ignoring my comment.
"And how will this help me stay in my ghost form?"
"The only reason you ever fall out of your ghost form," Vlad began as he returned the vial to his pocket, "is because you become too weak to hold it. You can even sleep in your ghost form, providing you are uninjured and healthy. Being in a prolonged state as Danny Phantom will eventually wear you down, causing you to revert automatically. However, by taking weekly injections of highly concentrated ectoplasm, you can easily stay in ghost form for nine months without a problem."
"Oh great, so now you wanna give me ghost steroids."
"I assure you, Daniel, there is nothing dangerous or risky about it." Vlad said exasperatedly, "Just think of it as recharging your ghost half."
I gave him a long, slow look. I still couldn't get the horrible image of me loosing control of my ghost half and suddenly ripping apart with a screaming, half-formed baby exploding from my abdomen. Even with the weekly injections, wasn't there still a risk that I could die? And more importantly, that the baby could die? I don't know what I'd do if-Wait, why am I even worrying about this?
"No, Vlad." I huffed and walked away again, starting to get rather irritated with myself. Vlad followed.
"Daniel, stop being difficult! This is just you're stubbornness holding out!" he pouted.
"And it's gonna keep holding out cause the answer is N-O."
I heard his over-dramatic sigh from behind me and couldn't help but smirk. He's such a drama queen.
"If you just-"
"Not gonna happen."
"But what if-"
He expressed something that sounded like a yell of frustration, but I wasn't exactly sure. In the six years we've been together, he's never let himself make such an "undignified" sound. Although there was that time I forced him to go to my parents house a few years ago...
Suddenly I felt a strong grip on my upper arm and was yanked back, twisting around and falling right up against Vlad's chest. He held me there with a determined stare, both hands on my upper arms keeping me pinned. Man, he really wanted this baby.
"Why Vlad, this is so sudden." I said dryly. He ignored me.
"Do you really want to raise someone else's child? Or live knowing our baby isn't really our baby? Because if you do, I swear I'll never say another word about this."
Oh crap, he was using the logic thing.
"Um..." I bit my lip, looking away from his intense gaze. Of course I wanted a child with both of our genetics. Call me cheesy, but I really wanted that poster perfect family with the kids who looked just like the parents. There was something about it that made the whole thought...complete, or something. I dunno. ...I just didn't wanna be pregnant.
"I know you want a family, Danny." he said quietly, in that horribly gentle voice that I always cave to. This was not turning out well. "And I know you want it to be our family. There's a way to get that, and we both know that if we don't take it, we'll regret it for the rest of our lives."
Oh this was not turning out well at all.
"But...I'm gonna...I'll look ridiculous..." I squirmed, already blushing a little.
Vlad smiled, kissing me softly on the lips and spinning me away to heaven.
"You could never look ridiculous."
I gave him a deadpanned stare at that one, which he couldn't help but laugh at.
"Okay, amusing, yes. But not ridiculous. At least not usually."
"Thanks Vlad." I rolled my eyes. He was still smiling though, which meant he knew he had me. Unfortunately, I knew it too. Oooh, but I wasn't going down without a fight on this one. I still had my ace in the hole...
"One condition." I said almost smugly, feeling a dark smile unfurl. Vlad stared at me cautiously.
"You let me top."
Instantly, his smile dropped, eye twitching. I grinned rather hugely, finally beginning to feel like I had some control in the conversation. In all the years we've been together, he's never let me top and I've never had something big enough to hold over his head, until now of course. I may loose whats left of my masculinity by getting pregnant, but if in the process I get to top Vlad Masters it might actually be worth it. Cause in the end that means I wouldn't loose it at all.
"No." he said stubbornly, eyes narrowed. I just kept grinning.
"Vlad," I used my most arrogant and condescending voice possible, "We both know you're going to say yes in the end, so why fight?"
His eye twitched again.
"I can call the adoption agency if you want me to."
His jaw snapped shut, still glaring at me. I patiently waited because I was loving every minute of this.
"You couldn't do it."
"Wanna bet?" I challenged, so ready to prove him wrong.
He just narrowed his eyes more.
"So...you'll carry our child for nine months...as long as..."
"As long as you let me top."
"As many times as I like."
"Oh come now, Vladdie. You can't think I wouldn't take advantage of something like this after six years of being with you, hm?"
He just glared at me. As much as I loved winning against him, I figured I might want to get this done and settled before he figured out some way to take advantage of me taking advantage of him...assuming that's even possible. Apparently though, with Vlad anything is possible (even male pregnancy), so just to be safe...
"I suppose if you don't want to make the deal I could convince Sam to be the surrogate-"
"Fine, you can top."
"Excellent!" I beamed, the rush of victory making this situation ten times better. "Lets get to it then!"
"Uh, hell yes now. You think I'm gonna wait until after this whole baby thing is over? I don't think so, Vlad."
And so, dragging my slightly unwilling partner with me, I marched up the stairs with a triumphant grin. Cause I may end up being the first pregnant male, but I'm also gonna be the first male to top Vlad Masters, which makes it totally worth it.
The lemon will be written, but it will not be posted with this story. I wanna try to keep this under T, at most.
dskgjaosifshsnort. M-preg. :D