The Sword is Mightier than the Pen

Disclaimer: I have not read X-men in years, I may(Read: Will) get some details wrong. Deadpool is the only "hero" I try to follow, and even then I fail. I apologize for any failures. Deadpool himself will not forgive me, and will likely destroy me.

I do not own Deadpool or X-Men bla bla bla boring talk LET'S GET TO THE FIC!

Ahh, grocery day. What would I do without it? No seriously, I have no clue. Would I starve or would the whole heally deally kick in and stop it? Honestly, I don't want to find out, and on this particular grocery day, I was running low on cash. I hoped I would find a job really soon. After putting away the groceries I noticed that my answering machine (That's right, screw modern conveniences!) was flashing seven new messages. One of those was bound to be someone looking to hire me, right? Well I got two telemarketers, a wrong number, Weasel asking how that device that I lost a couple of days ago is working out (note to self: call him back), Blind Al asking for me to come over because I haven't visited in a while (note to self: call her back), a prank call, Some guys with some sort of time share deal (note to self: call them back), and Charles Xavier looking to hire me.

Wait a minute, what was that last one?

I rewinded and listened to the message as I prepared (hey, it's a chance to work with the X-Men again, why would I ever pass that up?). "Mr Wilson, this is Charles Xavier from the Xavier Institute for Higher learning." Thanks, Chaz, Never would have guessed that one. "I would have contacted you via a psychic link, but frankly, your mind disturbs me." Awww, I love you too. "I need you to be at the institute as soon as possible. We are in need of your assistance." That's good enough for me! I grabbed my stuff ran out of my apartment and hailed a cab, my teleporter broken again. I really wish I had my own X-Jet, or at least a crappy old car. Is that really too much to ask?

"To the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, my good man," I said to the Cabby, who simply grunted annoyed in a higher pitch than I expected. "Well, I do say I am sorry, Ma'am," I said in my best southern gentleman voice (read: Pretty horrible). "I must have entered the vehicle so quickly that I hadn't noticed you were not a good man, but a good lady."

She replied to me in a southern voice of her own. "If you're tryin' not to offend me, you best shut your mouth, Wade." Aww crap. I just pissed off Rogue, the X-Men's resident memory slash power taker and probably the only person able to kill me for good. Why was she here? Why didn't they send the X-Jet? "As if we'd waster that kind of fuel on you..." Wait, What? Are my little yellow boxes broken again? "What are you talking about?" SON OF A BITCH! I thought for sure I got those fixed.

"Screw it," I finally said intentionally. "Us arguing about it could take up a whole page."

"Right, I guess," She said, obviously confused. "Let's just focus on getting you to the mansion. Xavier say's there's strange things going on..."

"Ooh, Vague! My favorite!"

As we exited the cab at the school for mutant freaks I asked Rogue "So... Do I pay you for this like I would a normal cabby or what?" My question was answered for me when Rogue pressed a button on the car keys. The car transformed into a smart car. Not the eco friendly crap kinda of smart car, I mean Smart as in it has an Autopilot. "Cloaking device," I said with a very giddy voice. "I want one. So, why'd they send you, then?"

"Makin' sure you don't run off with the damn thing," She said, only semi serious. "It's like you said, I'm probably the only person who can kill you for good." DAMN YOU, LITTLE YELLOW BOXES! DAMN YOOOOOUUUU!

"You are very lucky that cancer is not a super power!" Man, Cancer jokes aren't funny. Who wrote that line?

Rogue lead me straight to the control room for the Danger Cave, which would have been a bad idea under normal circumstances. These "normal" circumstances would be me finding a way to break into the mansion and screwing around with machinery, which I often dream of doing. We entered to find a bald guy in a wheelchair watching Wolverine training inside the cave against holograms of himself, who I promptly ignored and went to push all of the colorful buttons I could find. Wolverine's simulation looked really weird with what I was doing. I felt my mask lift up and a hand on my neck, I fell over on the ground before I could press anymore buttons, in a pile of pain and sanity. I could feel Death coming towards me, but my powers returned before she could arrive. Dammit, Rogue.

Rogue didn't look to hot after that experience. That is, she didn't look like she was feeling very well. I couldn't blame her to be honest. My powers are scary as hell, I'm not gonna lie. "Professor," she said, her voice trembling. "He's not crazy. I saw what he can see." That's not good. Any normal person would likely be scarred by what I can see. Cue her fainting. I turned to face the bald man in the wheelchair, who was staring at Rogue.

"Um, Xavier?" I said, waving my hand in front of his face. "You should probably do the memory changey thingy on her. You know, my mind being disturbing and all..." Rogue got back up, apologized, and left the room. Apparently, she thought she was dehydrated. Charles Xavier, you are an awesome man. It was at this time that me and the Xavier started talking business.

"Wade, There have been strange events happening in New York." Yes, we established that part already, now tell me what those are. "I'm not quite sure what it is." Damn, a mystery. "There appears to be several cases of mind control at several High Schools in the city." This could be fun. But wait! I actually have a conscience somewhere inside of me!

"Why in HELL would you send a mercenary to a public high school? That sets off all sorts of alarms!" I yelled out.

"I admit it wouldn't normally have been my first choice," he said, looking very serious. "But I have reason to believe that you are immune to mind control. It's either than or any one who tries would go mad just as Rogue did. I am sending Wolverine with you to keep you in check."

Wolverine, AKA Logan, AKA Mister Badass. A cat like mutant with a dog like hero name and professional show stealer. Even the guys want this guy. Hell, sometimes even I want this guy. HE is the epitome of manliness, and just happens to be a rival of yours truly.

"Any other questions?" Xavier asked"

"Yeah, has anyone ever told you that you look and sound just like Captain Picard?"

"Very well," he replied, mildly annoyed. "Logan should be about finished in the cave. Why don't you two catch up."

I was way ahead of him, already running down to him. As I approached him I yelled out "Logan, Ol' buddy! How about a hug for your good fri..." He swung his claws at my neck and my life flashed before my eyes for the umpteenth time. That explains where Weasel's device went. Little bastard got up and ran off on it's own. Then, everything went dark.

Instead of Death or Hell like I expected, I say a bright light. I opened my eyes to find what looks like an Operating room and Beast standing over me. "Hank," I said calmly. " What are you doing here? Did Logan go crazy on you too?"

"No, I'm afraid the only person Logan 'went crazy on' was you. I'm just stitching your head back on," he said with a completely straight face. It seemed like this was a completely normal occurrence for him. Actually, with how big the X-men can get, I wouldn't be surprised it it was

When I finally grasped that I was not actually dead, I asked "Can I scritch you behind the ear and call you a good boy?"

Hank ignored that one entirely. "I'm also going to the liberty of fixing your teleportation device. Sounds like you might need it." I'm glad on that one. I forgot to ask Weasel to fix it when he asked me to test that new thing. "After this, It might be a good idea for you to start on your mission. We can't waste to much time."

I got up as he finished sewing my head back on and sighed. "Two costumed lunatics in schools full of hypnotized students," I said morbidly. But my mood quickly picked up. "This should be fun!"

End of Chapter 1.