The Return of Miss Cloud

Cloud felt like a complete and totally hopeless idiot. He should've seen those threatening letters as a sign, but instead he just ignored them, even after Vincent and Reeve warned him about the new Anti-ShinRa group going after both past and present ShinRa employees. Now they had kidnapped Tifa when he was out on a delivery. They didn't leave a note of what they wanted, just a scrap of paper that had the ShinRa logo on it and a scrawled message: Death to ShinRa.

He didn't really understand what all the fuss was about, for the company had truly changed their ways after Meteor hit, but right now his main priority was rescuing Tifa. He paced around the house nervously, his guilt starting to come back as he began to blame himself for not being there to protect her. He was just glad that both Denzel and Marlene were staying over at their friends houses for the night, it would've made things ten times worse if they had been taken too.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of green light by one of the windows, then flinched at the sudden noise of something hitting the glass. He spun around with a tight grip on his sword ready for an attack, but it was only Zack pressed up against the closed window. He sighed in annoyance, then opened it so the ghost of his friend could come in.

"Did you find her?" he asked.

Zack had often checked up on him, and after he found out that Tifa had gotten kidnapped he and Aerith offered to go look for her.

"Yeah. They took her to their hideout in Midgar; the ruins of the old ShinRa building"

Cloud nodded, and started to head outside to get Fenrir, but Zack stepped in front of him.

"Whoa, hang on! You can't just go barging in there and-

"Yes I can Zack" he said walking right through him not wanting to waste any more time

"Security is crazy Cloud" he said as he concentrated and grabbed a hold of Cloud's sweater. "Dead or not I'm letting you get killed"

"You have a plan then?" he asked turning to face him.

"Well, um..."

He sighed again, and buried his face into his hand.

"You don't do you?"

"No I do, you're just not gonna like it"

After Zack dragged him upstairs and into Tifa's room, then told him his plan as he began to go through her clothes. Cloud's eye twitched when he finished, and wondered what the hell Zack was thinking. He didn't hate it, he despised it! It was a complete and utter insult to his manhood, not to mention embarrassing. One time cross dressing was more than enough, and back then he wasn't pretending to be a prostitute.

"No." he said sternly.

"Oh just man up and put it on for your girlfriend while I find you a sexy top" Zack said as he shoved the clothes in his arms and pushed him towards the bathroom.

Cloud sighed once he was in the bathroom, and wondered if he would be able to fit through the window so he could get around this and do things his own way, but knew that Zack would probably come in to check on him if he took to long to change, so he wouldn't be able to get to far.

I can't believe I'm doing this...Again...

Before he changed he decided to take a closer look at what Zack had given him. There was Tifa's old black leather mini skirt that she wore when they were in AVALANCHE together and defeated Sephiroth for the first time, a pair of fish net tights, and last and definitely not least, a pair of her red lacy underpants. It felt wrong just holding them much less putting them on, but he knew very well that he couldn't wear his boxers under that skirt, so he took off both his pants and boxers, then awkwardly slid them on.

Getting the tights on was another story, for he knew that they could easily rip and ruin them. He pulled them on slowly and gently, noticing that they were quite tight as expected, and covered up the fact that he had hairy legs well. The skirt was the easiest part, but he didn't like the fact that it only barely covered up his ass.

He groaned as he exited the bathroom, and was just about to ask Zack if he could go now when he saw him and Aerith making out on his bed.


He looked away, then coughed awkwardly catching their attention and breaking up their little session. There was a moment of awkward silence, then the couple blinked as they looked at Cloud, and burst into a fit of giggles making him want to crawl into an emo corner and die.

"Miss Cloud!" Aerith exclaimed.

Yep, that emo corner was looking really good right now.

"Can we please just go save Tifa so I can get this over with please?" he asked both embarrassed and annoyed.

"I think we still have some work to do though" Aerith said making Cloud groan.

"Yeah. That sweater of yours may look like you have boobs but it's not good enough" Zack commented.

"It does not!" Cloud shouted turning bright red.

"No I think Zack's right Cloud, it actually kind of does"

"Oh well what about you huh?" he said pointing a finger at Zack. "You wear a sweater too!"

"Yes but I pull it off without having my pecs look like boobs. Why do you think Sephiroth and I have more fan girls than you do? 'Cause we have our shirts off in one part or another"

Cloud groaned again as he face palmed, and felt like yanking his hair out in frustration.

"How about this one?" Aerith asked as she held up an old pink tank top of Tifa's.

"No he's gotta look more sexy" Zack answered. "Maybe something like this" he said as pulled out a tight looking corset with a built in bra.

"Don't I get a say in this?" Cloud asked them.

"Nope" they said in unison as they went back to looking.

After a few more minutes of picking and choosing, Zack finally handed Cloud one of Tifa's lacy Victoria Secret and told him to put it on and stuff it with tissue paper then rinse out all the hair gel in his hair in the sink. He did so, and was in the middle of drying his hair with the towel when Zack tossed him a white button down shirt and a blonde clip on pony tail for his hair. Where he got it from he didn't know, but he didn't want to waste time and ask. Then of course when he was done changing Aerith came in to do his make up and fix his hair.

"There, now can we get knowing now?" he asked as he stepped out of the bathroom once more.

The shirt was awfully tight on him, and not only showed his bra through it, but was also short on him and showed his belly button.

"No, no you're wearing it wrong" Zack said as he walked over and unbuttoned the top part so that people could see even more of his bra, then flatted his spikes some more even though Cloud had already combed them down.

"Alright, just put these on and you should be good" Zack said as he handed him Tifa's black lace up combat like boots.

He did so, then grabbed his sword and drove towards Midgar eager to get the whole thing over with.

The guards at the entrance started drooling over him the moment he pulled up to the ShinRa building. Both of them were giving him elevator eyes, and he was pretty sure they were trying to picture him naked and who knows what else. He shivered in disgust, then calmly walked towards them. He couldn't see Zack and Aerith anymore for as spirits they could become silent and invisible when they wanted to, but he could still feel their presence.

"Remember to sound like a girl" Zack reminded him in his mind.

He cleared his throat before he spoke, and tried his best to sound higher pitched, but not to over do it and give it away.

"I have an appointment"

"You should've said it sexier"

Shut up Zack.

"Y-Yeah ok, go right in" one of them said staring at his fake boobs the entire time.

"Can I be next?" the other purred as he gave him a nice slap on the back side.

Cloud flinched, and it took all his willpower and self control not to draw his sword and stab the guy in the balls.

I'm doing this for Tifa. He reminded himself.

"Well don't just stand there! Answer the guy!" Zack said snapping him out of it.

"Maybe" he said, in a more sexier voice like Zack suggested. "If you make sure no one touches my bike I'll think about it"

Then he walked inside, but could still hear them talking.

"Think those were real?"

"I don't know man, but she had a nice firm ass"

Inside he got the same reactions. He walked by and everyone stared or drooled. Some of them even walked into walls because they weren't paying attention where they were going. He was just glad that no one stopped to question him, for Zack was right; there were far to many that he would've had to fight off.

Do you know where she is Zack?

"Tenth floor, working elevator's around the corner here"

Again, he had no problem going up, but when they got to the tenth floor and Cloud poked his head around the corner he saw two guards guarding the cell. He cursed and got ready to draw his sword and fight them when Zack once again stepped in.

"Wait, let me take care of them" there was a hint of mischievousness in his that made him a bit uneasy, but he still trusted him.


He saw Zack become visible beside him as he took his sword, then he quietly turned the corner, smiling and chuckling as he went.

The two guards were very bored on their shift. The girl they had hostage was sleeping on her cot inside, so they didn't see the point of still guarding her. Besides, it was a solid steel door meant to contain SOLDIERs, so what was the point? Awake or not, she obviously wasn't going anywhere. They were both exhausted and just wanted to go back to their bunks and get some sleep. That or at least have something exciting to do rather than just standing there.

Then the sound of a droaning noise echoed in the halls, snapping both of them out of their sleepy daze and readied their rifles as they glanced around for any kind of threat. Nothing came, but the noise continued.

"W-What the hell is that?" one asked trembling from fear.

"Just stay calm" said the other, also afraid but not showing it.

They heard the sound of footsteps, then Zack came into their view slowly shuffling towards them dragging Cloud's sword behind him. What terrified them was that he was covered in blood, and his clothes had bullet holes in them, for he had made himself look like he did when he died.

"ZOMBIE!" the first one screamed before running off in the opposite direction screaming like a girl.

"Yooou..." Zack droaned, pointing Cloud's sword at the one who remained, now trembling and wetting his pants. "You disturbed my slumber, now I will have your soul!"

"No, no please!" he begged. "I'll do anything, just let me go!"

"Ok, just give me the key card for the cell then" Zack said cheerfully.

The guard quickly grabbed it out of his pocket and tossed it on the ground where it slid towards him. Zack picked it up and examined it, smiling when he saw it was indeed the right one.

"Ok, you can go scream and run now"

"Was that really necessary Zack?" Cloud asked as he walked towards him when the guard was gone.

"What a dead guy can't have some fun now? What's the world coming to?"

Cloud rolled his eyes as he took the key card from his friend, and slid it through the computerized lock on the door.

"I'll go ahead and take care of the guys downstairs so you can have an easy get away"

"Wait Zack!" Aerith said, now also turning visible again. "That looked like fun, I wanna try too!"

Cloud sighed as he watched his friends go skipping off holding hands before they pretended to be zombies, then opened the door to the cell and saw Tifa sleeping peacefully unharmed on an old dirty cot.

"Tifa" he said softly, shaking her a bit to wake her up.

She groaned and sat up slowly as she rubbed her eyes and blinked at him.

"Cloud?" she asked, looking at him up and down.

"It's me" he assured.

"Why are you wearing my clothes?" was her first question.

He groaned, then took her hand and gently helped her up.

"Tell you later, let's get out of her first"

She nodded, and followed him out in the hall, expecting to see a bunch of unconscious guards, and blinked in confusion when she found the hallways both on the Tenth and First floor completely empty and quiet.

"Where is everyone?" she asked.

"Running from zombies" he said flatly.

She raised an eyebrow at him, but decided to focus on getting away now and ask questions later. Even the two perverted guards outside were gone, for they too had fled in fear of the zombie couple. Cloud smiled knowing that Zack and Aerith had did their work, and was glad that Fenrir was still parked where he left it and untouched. He saw his sword stuck in the ground beside it, and figured Zack had finished scaring them all off and had gone back into the lifestream with Aerith.

"So do you wanna tell me what happened now?" Tifa asked as they drove home.

"As long as you agree never to speak a word about this to a soul" he said.

The last thing he wanted was for the word about "Miss Cloud" to around to their friends, for he hoped that she would never return.

Author's Notes

I've been meaning to write something like this for a while now, I just didn't have good ideas. I got the whole sweater boobs thing from Lunch Sur Cannibal who really does think that Cloud's Advent Children sweater makes him look like he has boobs. I'm also not very good at writing as Tifa, so I hope she was ok. Hope you guys like it, and please don't hate me for torturing Cloud like that.