A note from the author: See, I was on this forum thread about whether there were any good Twilight crossovers, and I was like, "Someone should write a Twilight/Portal crossover where GLaDOS kills Bella and makes Edward eat cake." And then someone was like, "DO IT." And then I was like, "Ok." So I did it. Then I posted it on here. Anyway, I hope it gives you some lulz.

Another note: You have NO FRIKKING IDEA how happy all the favs/comments this story has gotten have made me. I mean, considering the crap I usually write, making something that this many people like feels AMAZING. However, I don't think I'll writ a sequel piece. Honestly, I don't think I could pull off something like this a second time, and I kind of want to keep this piece, I don't know, pure.

Disclaimer: Thank Dead God (cookies if you get that reference) I don't own Twilight. I would never claim to own something so horrible. As for Portal, I'm rather dismayed that I have no rights to it. But I do finally own a plushie Companion Cube.[/off topic] Now, on with the fic!

Consciousness came slowly to Bella. The first thing she was aware of was how warm she was-that was wrong. Where was her velvet-voiced marble statue? Shouldn't he be by her side at all times? She searched the space around her by touch. He wasn't there! Where, oh where could he be? She began to panic-she couldn't function without her true love! Oh, the chagrin! Her eyes snapped open. "Edward!" she screamed, noting his absence from her immediate line of sight. Where was he? Bella was beginning to hyperventilate when she heard another voice-not the velvety, low tones she so longed to hear, but a different voice-female, with a sound of being pre-recorded.

"Oh, I see you've woken up," the voice said.

"Where's Edward?" Bella yelled at it.

"You mean the pale boy who was with you? Don't worry. He's… safe," came the voice.

Bella whimpered. Something had taken Edward away from her! What could she do now? How would she survive with nobody to watch her every move?

As if it had read her mind, the voice said, "He's right up here with me. We'll both be observing as you undergo the following… tests. Afterwards, you will be escorted to the reception area, where there will be cake. Your friend will wait there for you."

Bella relaxed a bit. Edward would be there just as soon as she could pass the tests. Well, that would be easy! She was, of course, getting straight A's in all subjects and had finished the entire reading list in fourth grade.

"Please step into the elevator."

Bella turned, curious. What elevator?

The voice seemed exasperated when it said, "Please step into the elevator behind you. Then testing can begin."

Bella turned. Oh, that elevator! In her panic, she hadn't taken in her surroundings, other than to note Edward's absence. She tried to walk to the elevator, but tripped over a dust bunny on the way there. She was so clumsy! Oh, what a flaw! Oh, well. She was only human, after all. Being flawless would be unrealistic!

After tripping six more times, Bella finally dragged herself into the elevator. She stood up as the door closed, but almost fell over again as it rocketed upwards.

As she was lifted, she thought with chagrin about Edward. Where was he now? Could he see her? Was he worried about her? She began to fantasize about seeing him again. He would look up and smile his beautiful crooked smile that other people thought made him look constipated. She would grin and blush. They would run into each other's arms and begin kissing passionately. "We'll never be apart again," he'd whisper in his velvety voice, as she sniffed his hair. He'd kiss her neck, causing her to moan with pleasure. "Take me, Edward!" she'd scream, and he would tentatively remove her shirt-

"Are you going to leave the elevator or not?" the voice asked.

Bella looked up. The elevator had stopped moving, and the doors had opened. Another door with the words "Aperture Science" stood a few feet in front of her. She took a few tentative steps forward, then screamed and almost fell over as something dropped in front of her.

"This is your portal gun," explained the robotic voice so unlike the velvet one she longed to hear. "You will use it to complete the tests. Try not to shoot yourself with it."

Bella cautiously picked up the gun, wishing Edward were with her. She then proceeded through the doors.

After three chambers, GLaDOS was getting pretty fed up with the new test subject. Not that time mattered very much to the computer, but it had been twelve days. Most subject only took about twelve minutes! This outlier was going to throw off her averages, then her results wouldn't be as accurate! How annoying!

"You know," she said over the intercom, "You could try being a bit faster. I understand that your weight may be slowing you down, but we wouldn't want you to age too much during testing. Your seemingly ageless companion probably wouldn't enjoy your company as much if you were eighty years old." She made a note of the comment in her internal log book-everything she said to the test subject had to be carefully recorded, as well as their reaction.

The girl's eyes widened. GLaDOS hoped she was realizing that she needed to speed up. Then she did the exact opposite of what the computer had been hoping for. She put down the portal gun, flopped on the ground, and began to bawl.

"IT'S TRUE!" she yelled. "I'm a horribly ugly, fat girl! Oh, why do I have to have such fine pale skin? Why am I cursed with chocolate-brown eyes and slim ankles? And I weigh 110 pounds! I'm fat and ugly and Edward could never love me!"

As GLaDOS displayed a facepalming GIF, the pale boy acted up again.

"Bella!" he shouted. "I love you, Bella! Bella!" GLaDOS sighed and recorded their reactions.

"I'm sorry," she said over the intercom. "I didn't mean that. But your companion would like to say something to you." This was a desperate move-she usually tried to make the subject feel completely alone except for herself, but she had to get the girl moving. She turned to the boy and quickly instructed him in what to say.

"Bella," he said into the intercom mic she lowered to him, "You need to get out of here, Love. I can guide you through the levels if she'll let me-" He looked at GLaDOS, who displayed a nodding GIF. "She will. You've got to get up, Love."

"EDWARD!" screamed the girl at a pitch so high GLaDOS was surprised humans could hear it. As she made a note of it, the pale boy continued.

"Bella, dear, get up please." She instantly did as he said. GLaDOS took down a note, somewhat confused. Were all humans so willing to obey other humans? Concluding that she'd have to have a wider base of test humans for further research on the subject, she allowed the test to continue.

The levels were much faster with the pale boy directing the was especially surprised at the end of the Companion Cube level. She'd expected the girl to take much longer to incinerate it-judging by how she acted with the boy, she became attached very easily. However, she had dumped the cube into the disposal pit without a moment's hesitation. It was confusing, and once again, GLaDOS concluded that she'd need to experiment more with another human outside the test chambers.

"This is the last test," came the voice. "I am obligated to remind you that when you are finished, you will be baked, and then there will be cake." Bella considered this for a moment, then decided to ignore it. She'd be with Edward soon, anyway. She couldn't wait to see his beauty again. She imagined what he would look like to look at him after what seemed like ages. The first thing she'd notice would be his beautiful, ice-cold skin. Then she'd be able to see his liquid-amber eyes, like molten gold. She'd run at him, kiss him. She'd smell his luscious scent ag-

"Well? Are you going to leave the elevator? You can't pass the level unless you do so, you know."

GLaDOS had considered carefully for the past few weeks, during the earlier test chambers. She'd taken into account her observations-particularly of the boy's changes in eye color, and how the darker they got, the more frenzied he became. She took a covert scan of his biochemistry and noticed that as time passed and his eyes grew darker, his blood levels decreased. Further scans showed he was not actually human but a similar species that, for no logical reason GLaDOS could come up with, sparkled in the sunlight, did not age or die naturally, and did not eat like most humans but needed to drink blood to maintain proper levels. She wondered if the fact that they were different species had something to do with his control over the girl, but that could not be tested now. Having taken all of this into account, she'd devised the perfect way to end the testing.

Finally, finally, Bella completed the final test. She was moved on a platform into a reception area. She was looking around for Edward when the robotic voice came again.

"Congratulations on finishing your testing. Your companion will show up in twenty seconds."

The seconds seemed like hours to Bella, who couldn't wait to see her Adonis again. At long last, the doors at the other end of the reception opened.

Edward was even more beautiful than she'd remembered. His skin, pale as marble, was nearly glowing-though not sparkling, because no sunlight penetrated the windowless building. She rushed at him, unable to be away from him a moment longer.

"Bella! No-!"

And then she was in his arms.

And then she saw that something was amiss.

His eyes, which she'd been fantasizing about since the tests began, were not the golden honey color she was used to.

They were black.

"Bella, I-"

But, unable to restrain himself any longer, he tore into the flesh of her neck.

GLaDOS watched as the pale boy drank the girl's blood and dropped her, dead, on the floor. This was what she'd been hoping for-the boy's reaction to killing his obsession would be most interesting. His eyes, she noted, were no longer yellow-brown or black, but a deep red.

"Why?" he yelled. "Why did you make me do this!" He knelt by the girl's body. He was not crying, but he seemed to be trying. It was possible that he was unable to.

"I wanted to see what you would do," she said simply, recording his reaction in her internal log. "But the fun part is only beginning. I said there would be cake, after all. And since you and I have all eternity together…"

A robotic arm holding a slice of cake popped out from the wall of the "reception area" and advanced slowly towards the boy's mouth.