The way his head tosses back when we have sex. Whenever I push myself into him, his head reels back, chin tilted directly towards the ceiling as he cries out in a beautiful voice. I notice this every time, because our gazes always tear away – I'm not sure if he does this because he doesn't want to look into my eyes, or if he merely is overcome by so much pleasure that his body stiffens.

I hope it's the latter.


The way he kisses me. When our lips press together it's like nothing is wrong anymore, not our relationship or the delightful sin we commit every night. His lips are always so soft and inviting, always wet and warm. His tongue is always shy, but he never refuses my kisses, and he eases into him in the most delightful way.

Yeah, the way he kisses really messes with my head.


The way he blushes so much during sex and the way he makes all those gorgeous noises, but during the day he acts like it never happened. He's the best actor I've ever seen; he can meet my eyes and touch me and be my brother, despite the things we had done the night before. He never reacts when I am close to him, or say something suggestive – his face is always a calm mask.

Sometimes, he can even fool me.


The way he always says that what we're doing is "wrong", and yet he comes to me at night, yearning for my touch. The way he crawls under the covers with me and puts his cheek on my bare chest, and his breath is so warm that I want to feel it against my own mouth, and he knows this—he knows this so he does it on purpose. His way of seducing me is so childishly innocent, yet it's that cautious intelligence of his that confuses me.

But, oh, those nights he wants it are glorious. His gasps and cries of uncharacteristic "OH, YES!" and the way he really seems into it, unlike all those nights where he merely moans and lets me do what I want. But, even so, the pleasure that glistens in his blurry eyes shows me that words are not needed for us. Our touch and our secret smiles are enough.


The way he left me. The way that boy, that damned kid, waltzed in here like he knew everything and wanted to battle all three of us. The way Cilan was so impressed, that gleam in his eyes that he used to show around me only were fixated on that boy. The way he just left with him without considering me, without even giving me a proper reason or a proper goodbye. Did he do it to break our bond? Was this fucked up relationship finally too much for him?

The way he left me, and hurt me, and made it impossible for me to pretend anymore.

I don't understand Cilan.
I don't understand.