Title: Queerly Beloved
Summary: Harry should have known it would be a bad idea for Fred and George to be the ministers at his and Draco's wedding. Somehow, it didn't really click until the ceremony had started...
Once more, the muggle phrase "if looks could kill" flashed through Harry's mind as he smiled in the face of Draco's glare. The glare sure did kill Harry's smile, as the black-haired boy gulped. Draco was mad, and Harry couldn't blame him; he could understand where Draco was coming from on this matter. This understanding, however, wasn't much consolation when he thought of what the blonde would do to him in revenge.
Suddenly, Harry was beginning to think that his "bright idea" wasn't the best idea after all….
"It'll be okay," Harry whispered to his husband-to-be. He squeezed Draco's hands, and looked up at the Weasley twins in slight fear. He wondered how they had ever convinced him to let them be the "minister" for his and Draco's wedding. He suspected a potion, or possibly the imperious curse, was involved.
'I'm sure they won't do anything stupid,' Harry thought. 'At least, I hope.'
"Queerly beloved," George began.
Harry could have cried right then. 'I'm doomed,' he thought miserably as Draco's glare quadrupled in intensity.
"We are gathered here today," Fred continued.
"In this poncy, peacock-filled garden,"
"Because Malfoy was to high-and-mighty to have it in our backyard,"
"To wed this unlikely, and possibly insane, couple,"
"In the bonds of Holy Matrimony,"
"Although after this fiasco of a wedding, I don't think anyone will call it "Holy" again. Maybe "Joking Matrimony" is more fitting…."
Harry groaned out loud then. Draco's hands were slowly tightening on Harry's with every disaster-filled sentence the Weasleys uttered, and Harry expected that he wouldn't have any circulation in them by the time this was over.
"We've known Harry and Malfoy,"
"For about ten years now,"
"Although there was that time we turned Malfoy purple in Diagon Alley just before our first year of Hogwarts. Does that count, George?"
"Oh, I suppose it does. Alright then, we've know Malfoy for about eleven years,"
" And Harry for about ten,"
"And liked Draco for zero seconds of that time,"
"Although we haven't minded Harry pretty much the whole way through,"
"Especially when he was fine with us swelling his cousins tongue up to the size of a whale…."
"Literally, people, it's hilarious! Tonne Tongue Toffees, only three nuts a packet! Buy some from your nearest Weasley's Wizard Wheezes store today!"
"Anyway, after all this time, we still can't believe they actually got together."
"I mean, after all the animosity between them at school,"
"After all the times they tried to get each other expelled,"
"And after Malfoy-"
"-became a death eater,"
"We figured the only couple less likely were Greggory Goyle and our dear brother Ickle-Ronnikins,"
"Although that goes to show how wrong we are. Yes, we saw you in the broom shed the other day!"
"But now, we're just flabbergasted by the turn of events."
"Harry," Draco muttered to his husband-to-be. "If you don't make them stop right now, I'm going to castrate you."
Harry winced. "I can't stop them without cancelling the wedding. I don't know any other ministers. Besides, it doesn't matter how badly the ceremony goes. What matters is that we love each other, and that we're showing everyone that we do. Right?"
Draco ground his teeth. "My parents look like their going to disown me."
Sure enough, a quick glance at Narcissa and Lucius proved the blonde right. Harry wondered if he would survive to see the next sunrise.
"If anyone here thinks, quite rightly, that Harry and Draco should not get married,"
"This invitation does not apply to reporters!" Fred added quite loudly and pointedly in the direction of the people from the Daily Prophet that were gathered around the edges of the garden.
"Then please speak now or forever hold your peace," George continued.
"Or you can write to various papers and magazines, all of whom would be very interested to hear of another opinion on the wedding."
"Yeah, last time I checked they were paying about a hundred galleons for a ten minute interview to anyone who had personally spoken to the Saviour."
"Really? Perhaps we should try that…."
Harry cleared his throat, and Fred and George turned and gave him innocent look that did not fool Harry in the slightest.
They both looked at the pieces of paper they were meant to be reading from (although they were clearly making it up as they went). George squinted and Fred began to snigger at the next few lines. Harry's heart sunk - he had approved them himself, thinking that there was absolutely nothing wrong with them. Had he been wrong?
"This holy union is taken under the most sombre of oaths…" George began, and Harry recognised the actual words that he had given to them. Maybe, just maybe, if they stuck to the plan, this would all blow over…
"And the next three pages," Fred said idly, flipping through said pieces of paper, "contains nothing but soppy nonsense that no one really wants to listen to. So we'll just skip straight to the vows."
Or perhaps Harry should just flee the country now.
This was the moment. Quickly Harry interrupted before Fred and George could do something even worse.
"Draco," Harry said solemnly. He had intended to have a serious pause there for effect, but he couldn't risk one of the twins butting in. He continued hastily.
"You are the love of my life, the person my world revolves around. I know of no other I would rather have holding my hand today, vowing to be mine and for me to be theirs forever. We've already overcome so much, and I look forward to spending my life with you."
Harry had intended to make a joke in there somewhere, but he didn't think that the wedding could take any more humour.
Now it was Draco's turn, and Harry waited with bated breath for Draco's response. Exactly how angry with Harry was he?
"Harry," Draco said, and then paused. The silence stretched, before he spoke again.
"No sex for a year."
Fred and George roared with laughter, thumping Harry on the back so hard he flew into Draco, who pushed him back up, scowling. The audience, too, chuckled loudly.
When it became apparent that Draco had nothing further to say, Harry continued without waiting for the twins' prompting.
"Do you, Draco, take me, Harry, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part?"
There was a tentative pause in which Harry feared that Draco might refuse, but after a few seconds, he replied "I do."
Harry breathed out a sigh of relief and allowed Draco's next words to wash over him. When the "I do's" were over, Harry braced himself for the exchanging of the rings.
"Now," George began, "unfortunately, we accidentally fed the wedding rings to the chickens this morning,"
"So instead we're going to use some bent spoons."
"Which, when you think about it, is rather symbolic of the two, not-very-straight grooms.
A cushion containing two, rusty, deformed spoons was brought forward by a pair of garden gnomes that were being herded by Crookshanks. Fred bent down to get the rings, thanking the gnomes profusely. Harry was tempted to kick him hard in the backside as revenge while he had the chance.
"May you always share with one another the gifts of love…blah-de-blah…" Fred said as he slipped a ring on Harry and Draco's fingers.
"These two people have consented to love each other for all of time, and all that other nonsense. I pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss the…well, you may now kiss each other."
Everyone sighed and awwed and clapped as Draco leaned forwards and kissed Harry. One might have thought that everything was forgiven, but the bite Draco gave to Harry's tongue said otherwise.
"Now there's a buffet lunch through that fancy set of doors over there, courtesy of the Malfoys,"
"So eat all you can and don't forget to damage some property."
"Preferably some expensive, poncey statue of Draco's great, great grandfather or something."
As the guests began to disperse, Harry tugged Draco in the direction of Mrs Weasley, who was standing nearby, obviously waiting to crush the both of them in a huge, tearful hug. Draco shook his head.
"In a minute," he said, craning his head, looking in the direction that Fred and George had gone. "I have something I want to do first."
Harry shivered in sympathy for the twins as Draco made his way casually in their direction. He really didn't envy Fred and George right now.
Then again, he thought with dread as Mrs Weasley pulled him into a tight hug, he had no doubt that Draco would make him regret choosing Fred and George as ministers.
For now, he would just be glad to have full use of all his limbs.