Modern Family: Going Green

It's Earth Day and the Dunphy's are getting ready to start there day in the kitchen. Claire is running the water while Luke and Alex have all of their gadgets on and are actively engaged. Phil comes down into the kitchen, wearing eco-friendly clothing, a helmet on his head and bag of empty soda bottles in his hand.

Phil: Happy Earth Day everyone. Turn off those technological devices and start saving some En-er-gy!

The kids don't even look up.

Claire swings by, pulls the bag of the bottles out of his hand and dumps them in the trash.

Claire: Phil we're off schedule. Help me pack the kids lunches.

Door bell rings.

Claire: Phil gets the door.

The camera swings to the front door where Dylan is there when Phil opens it

Dylan: Hey Mr. D.

Camera cuts to Phil as he looks at him with disgust.

Phil: Dylan, what's wrong with your eyes?

Camera cuts to the stairs where Haley is coming down

Dylan: Pink eye.

Haley: ew, Dylan. Keep a foot away from me puh-lease.

Phil: Have a really Earth-y (door slams in his face) day.

Luke comes up behind his father.

Luke: Dad?

Phil: What's up home slice? What are you going to do to make this earth a little greener?

Luke: Dad, my Ipad broke. Can we go to the Apple store after school and fix it?

Claire Yells from the other room

CLAIRE: PHIL. Where are the plastic forks, the Styrofoam cups and the water bottles?

Phil: It's Earth day! There bad for the environment. Don't you remember that song I taught you?

FLASHBACK to the kitchen

Phil: (Singing to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus") the paper goes in the recycling bin, recycling bin, recycling bin. The plastic forks go in the trash, trash, trash, trash (cut short)

Claire: I got to take the kids to school and run some errands. I'll see you later today (Kisses Phil on the cheek)

Phil is humming to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus" and goes to the garage. He first looks at the bike and gets on it, but realizes that the wheels don't have enough air. He gets off of it and goes to the shelves in the garage instead. Phil looks through the bins and picks up his rollerblades. He puts the right one on with ease, but then the next one he puts on he can't jam his foot in. He takes it off sticks his hand in and pulls out a bag of marijuana. He looks at the camera with confusion and it cuts to commercial.

Cutback to the kitchen

Phil is pacing in the kitchen and calls Claire on his cell phone.

Claire: Hello?

Phil: Claire, I was trying to be safe for the environment and I was going to ride my bike but then I decided to put on the rollerblades

Shot to Claire looking at herself in her review mirror of her car

And I tried to put them on and then I was shoving my foot in and it wasn't going in and I found a bag of marijuana.

Claire: What? That's insane. Are you sure?

Phil: Of course I'm sure. Claire, are our kids smoking weed? Is it Haleys?

Claire: No. No. No. No. It's Dylan's. Definitely Dylan's.

Phil: No wonder his excuse was pink eye. Do you think Haley is involved?

What do we do?

Claire: I'll be home soon. Just stay calm, Phil.

Hangs up the telephone.

Claire: Crap.

Cut to a scene where they are talking on the living room couch.

Phil: Yah, I was a hippy back in the day. Listened to a little Grateful Dead, a little Led Zepplin, some Earth, Wind and Fire

Claire gives a look

Cuts back to Phil sitting at the kitchen table. He hears the door. The bag is out on the kitchen table

Phil: Claire? Is that you?

Haley: No, Dad. It's me. I think Dylan gave me pink eye. My eyes are so gro- DAD. Is that yours?

Phil: I was just about to ask you the same question.

Phil gets up and puts his hands on Haley's shoulders.

Phil: You can be honest with me. I'm like the coolest dad in this family.

Haley: Dad! No!

Phil: Okay, I believe you. Is it Dylans?

Claire walks in.

Claire: Haley go upstairs.

Haley runs upstairs.

Phil: I had her right where I wanted her. She was about to tell me it was Dylan's.

Claire: Phil, its mine.

Phil: What's yours?

Claire: The marijuana. Its mine.

Phil: What?

Claire sighs

Claire: I don't know. Sometimes I just get really stressed out and I need to relax, so I thought that if I bought it, it would be better than a glass of wine. But, I never touched it and I hid it a week ago.

Phil: I don't know what to say.

Claire: Look, I'm sorry Phil, but sometimes I feel like I carry this family. I know you are trying your best, but you know how I am.

Phil: Okay, well let's get rid of this before Luke and Alex get home.

Claire: Or….

Camera cuts to Claire and Phil sitting on their bed. Claire and Phil are hysterically laughing. Camera cuts back to a blue screen on the television. End of scene.