I'm standing at the door, and I can't find the will in me, to knock. I can't. I just can't. Why the fuck am I so pathetic? When did I become such a baby? Snap out of it Josephine! My hand nearly reaches the door this time, before I quickly shove it in my pocket, shook my head, and started to walk away.
I was nearly at the bottom of the drive, when I heard the door behind me.
I wince at his endearment. I thought this would be easy, but this just breaks my heart into more pieces I thought imaginable. I slowly turn around to face him and bring my eyes to his.
'Hey, Pacey. I er... can I come in?' He nods at me sadly, and extends the door further so I can step in. I take a deep breath, and walk towards him, trying not to breath in the familiar scent of him as I brush past him. Damn. Those involuntary tears have just popped up again. I really need to try and get a grip.
We go into the living room, and I scan the room in different directions, to see if I suddenly had X-ray vision that could tell me if Jack and Doug were home.
'They're not here. They're at the beach with Amy', Pacey offers. I smirk at his response. He knows me too well. I sit down on the opposite couch to him, and we stare at each other for a while. It's almost like we don't know what to say, too scared to break this almost state of comfort between us.
He clears his throat uncomfortably, and throws 'So how are you? How have you been?'
'I've been good Pacey. I'm.. getting there. Slowly. But, like they say, time really is a great healer. I guess I just needed to be on my own to grieve. You know?'
'Yeah. I know.'
'What about you, how are you?'
'I just feel lost Joey. I feel so incredibly guilty about everything. I can't even begin to apologise to you. I'm so sorry Joey. If there's anything I can do to...'
'Well you can't bring our baby back can you?' I interrupt cruelly. He looks at me startled for a second, and then hangs his head in shame.
'No. I guess it can't. Joey..'
'But you wouldn't want it back. Would you. It was a mistake right?' I'm back to my cruel ways again. I shouldn't have come. I'm just attacking him for no reason.
'Joey, I didn't mean it. I was angry, upset, frustrated. It just came out my mouth without me realising it. I'm sorry.'
'It's fine.' I shake my head at him to stop, I don't want to hear anymore. I need to stop him from apologising, it's upsetting me more and I'm about to get too frustrated.
'Look, I just came here to give you something. I think it's about time we start to move on'. I lean into my bag to retrieve the papers, with what suddenly hits me with a heavy heart. Is this what I really want to do? I was so adamant to fight for our love not so long ago? What has changed my mind so much? It's not just the baby. What is wrong with me?
'Joey , please. I know what you're going to do. Please just listen to me. Please'. I look at him for a split second, and let him continue.
'I know I flipped at you. I cannot apologise enough. I love you more than life itself Joey, I'd be lost without you. You and Megan mean so much to me, I can't even put that love into words. I want to be that family, not be at war with each other. Why do we have to be at war, when we love each other so very much? I know from the bottom of my heart that I want to put all this behind us, and move on. Have a fresh start. Enjoy each other's company again. Hell, I'll even take you on a few dates again to make it feel new. I just want the chance to spend the rest of my life with you. What you don't understand Jo, is that you are my world. My world is nothing without you and Megan in it. I could lose everything in life, and still be happy and content with just you and Megan by my side. Please baby, give me one more chance'.
I look at him and he's crying, I'm crying. Oh my god, I had no idea he felt that way. Why did I blame him for the loss of my child? Our child? I pushed him, argued with him, made him feel worthless. For god sake, It was my fault that I fell down the stairs that day. Me. Point blank. I had no right to make him feel like that. I'm a selfish, manipulative bitch, that hurts people that do nothing but love me. Oh god, I feel so ashamed.
'Oh god Pace, I'm so sorry I blamed you. It wasn't your fault. I just needed someone to blame. I couldn't find it within me to blame myself. Pacey, will you forgive me?' He stands up, walks towards me, and falls to his knees infront of me, hugging my legs like I'm about to disappear.
'Joey, I'm so so sorry. Can we start again? Please?'
I look at him for a few seconds, and smile.
'I wish that girl at your work hadn't wound me up, none of this would have happened. I should have kept my big fat mouth shut.'
'Who? Jess?' I wince as I hear her name, my veins filling with jealousy.
'Yes. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have just taken it with a pinch of salt and ignored her. I'm so sorry Pace.'
'I love you Jo... but you can't blame Jess. I know you were angry, and frustrated, there's no need to lie now honey. It's ok. We can move on.'
'What?' What does he mean lie?
'Honey, I know Jess didn't say those things to you. It doesn't matter anymore.'
'What do you mean she didn't say those things? I think you'll find that she made out that she had slept with you. Why would I lie about that?'
'Because you were angry. And jealous, I presume. But, there's nothing to be jealous of. I love you, and only you. I would never, ever cheat on you, or look at another woman while you are ever in my life.'
Oh, so now he's calling me a liar? What the hell? I'm starting to seethe in anger. He still doesn't trust me.
'Pacey, why don't you believe me?' I almost shout in disgust.
'Because I know Jess wouldn't hurt me, hurt us like that. Joey.. It's ok! Please. It's fine. Let's just drop it, and work on us.'
'No! Oh my god Pacey! You don't trust me at all! How can you believe her over me! How could you?'
I'm so cross, I stand up quickly, shaking as I grab my bag, snatch the papers out and throw the papers at him.
'You know what to do Pacey. Sign the dotted line. I'll see you around'.
'Joey...wait!' He rushes behind me.
'No. I'm done waiting for you to believe me Pacey. You should trust me. I'm your wife. I'm sorry. I can't do this'. I go to walk out again, and he softly grabs my arm.
'Joey, I spoke to Jess.. she told me she didn't say anything. I've known her for years Joey, why would she deliberately hurt me like that?'
Pacey, oblivious as always to other women's interests. But, I need him to see it, before I ever think about being with him again. I don't want his love for me to stop him from seeing others leeching over him. He needs to see it, deal with it, and move on. Not defend everyone against me because he doesn't have the capacity to open himself up to the fact that someone else might be interested in him. Especially someone he has known for years. I shake my head in disgust.
'You'll see Pacey. You'll see'.
I hope he sees what's going on , before it's too late. Maybe it's time I had another word with Jess.