You may claim to hate Cerberus, but anyone can tell the truth. Actions speak louder than words, but your words don't exactly deny it either..


Shepard The Tsundere (For Cerberus)


Illusive Man,

After doing some research and behavioral analysis, I've concluded that Shepard is not as adversarial as might be apparent. Attached are the eight main points of my study.

-Kelly Chambers


1. Shepard does a voluntary, entirely optional mission for you, saying, "I had nothing else to do!"

Shepard, when you go out of your way for no particular reason to grace Cerberus with your help, whether tracking down lost spies or cleaning up their messes, mine minerals or helping a colony at our request, and your excuse was because you are 'free,' or 'had nothing better to do'? The way you stubbornly stick to the excuse is cute. Everyone can sense a hint of affection behind such statements and feel happy.


'Hey, Illusive Man, just so you know I'm going to investigate Project Overlord. Oh, and both I strip-mined Miranda and probed Uranus for minerals. It's not for you or anything, I just had nothing else to do!"


2. Presented with a gift, Shepard says, "Just leave it somewhere" and receives the gift haphazardly, but not-so-secretly enjoys it greatly.

Although a Shepard may try to act like he/she do not care about the gift, the grinning expressions and frequent uses afterwards show the truth and make us feel at ease. People who try to maintain a facade contrary to their true feelings can melt any monster's heart.


"Hm? The Illusive Man just express delivered a DLC of overpowered weaponry? And a Cain? That's nice: send it down to Jacob in the armory."

(The Very Next Mission)

"WHOOOO! Did you see that? Did you see that, mother-****er?"


3. Shepard asks for Cerberus's help but stresses, "I could have done it myself."

For example, smart and confident Shepards who have problems with figuring how to find and fight the Collectors may try to hide their shortcomings when asking for help. People who try to hide their weakness but fail can be seen as adorable.


"Well? How are we going to get across the Omega Relay to fight the Collectors?"

"Well Shepard, you see…"

"Yes… yes… I see now- but, I mean, I could have figured it out myself eventually! I didn't need your help, Illusive Man!"


4. Shepard complains, "You are such a mess!" but still continues to help Cerberus out.

Even when Shepard criticizes Cerberus, Shepard then goes up to fix the mistakes perfectly, regardless of how difficult or challenging. No matter how much he/she complains, Shepard still can't help but lend a hand in the end. Everyone love the paternal instinct.


"Another failed project? What am I, the Cerberus Janitor?"
"Distress signal received! Clean up on Project Overlord!"
"I'll be there in a hour!"


5. "Are you crazy?" Shepard curses at you but still accepts you for who you are.

You started inhumane science projects for the worst case scenario without telling Shepard, and then saw them blow up in your face. Shepard asks if you're insane, but in the end helps you make things right and promises to do the same in the future. No matter how angry Shepard gets, that hero will stand by you in the end to help. That gives a unique peace of mind.


"Are you insane?" Shepard asks the 125830439547th Cerberus project director in a row.


6. Shepard says, "You are free anyway, right?" and asks Cerberus to join forces.

Shepard is trying to make an underhand remark about how you have no one else to work with against the Reapers or other problems, but nevertheless it makes you smile. We enjoy the back-and-forth process in establishing an "unspoken understanding" with such people.


"Illusive Man, the Reapers are here, everyone needs to contribute, and it's time for Cerberus to die valiantly for my plan. I can use you, and it's not like you have any better allies to work with, right?"


7. Shepard gives a gift and says, "You had better be grateful" while not meeting your eyes..

People who do this are unbearably cute. Their snide contradictory remarks accentuate the importance of their actions and make their emotion for you stand out even more prominently.


*Backhand of Doctor Archer*
You better be grateful...


8. Shepard happens to gather more resources than are necessary for Cerberus to work with, but says, "I just happened to find some extra!"

Even though Shepard claims those hundreds of thousands of credits worth of minerals, tech scans, and purchased tech upgrades weren't for Cerberus, those technologies and advantages are for some reason all the sort of thing Cerberus loves to get. A collection of state-secret war ship technologies and new high-technology weaponry are powerful items for winning an interstellar terrorist group's shriveled black heart, the effects are made even more powerful by the fact that it is inexplicably sumptuous despite being made "incidentally".


"Shepard, we of Cerberus Command would like to thank you for your continued, extensive support for our organization. Though your opinion on our operations may differ, violently, from ours, even so you continue to provide extensive assistance.

Over the last half year alone, you have surveyed and found for our front companies tens of millions of units worth of industrial minerals and resources for our companies to invest and profit from, hacked banks accounts worth millions of credits which we can now access at will, scanned and sent to Cerberus hundreds of examples of advanced technology for our study and adaptation, purchased or stolen dozens of technological advances and upgrades from various groups, gathered a good half-dozen superior ship technologies for Cerberus's usage, built or found a number of high-technology heavy weapon systems with the aid of your team's insider knowledge that we can now freely replicate, and killed many troublesome foes on our behalf.

Our bursars estimate that your actions and resourcefulness have saved in costs or directly profited Cerberus up to six times the actual cost of Project Lazarus and your own revival. From all of us at Cerberus Command, we wish to show our appreciation for this noble and generous endowment towards Human Advancement, and wish you the best of luck in your mission.

Love,
Cerberus

p.s.: I thought you might like to know your efforts and actions have not gone unnoticed. Carry on, Commander.
-The Illusive Man


END


Author Note: And in case you didn't catch it, 'Miranda' is a moon of Uranus.