Monty Python and the Holy Grail: The Unnecessary Sequel
A Holy Grail/SPAMalot/Arthurian Ledged fanfic thingy written by TheBlueFairy1940
Rated PG-13 for comedic violence, slight language, homosexuality, and Galahad.
Special thanks to:
Those loony Pythons, my dear friends who first viewed the prologue and my lovely family who had to put up with me talking about this thing for the last three months!
England- 935 A.D.
Epic music swells in the back ground as a young woman, somewhere in her teens, with a head full of frizzy brown curls walks onto an illuminated stage. She is clad in a deep green medieval dress that she picked up at her local Renaissance feast for about triple the price she could have received it on the internet. Nervously, she comes close towards the microphone, sweating a bit as if she is scared in speaking, and taps it twice.
"Uhh?" she stutters uncomfortably. She fiddles with a loose lock of hair that fell from the circlet that was holding her hair like a headband. "Is this thing working? Testing, testing? Yep, it is." Clearing her throat, the narrator begins her speech, at first with little confidence in herself that gradually grew as she spoke.
"England 'twas a kingdom divided in such times. Sickness, famine, and sheer bickering about who took who`s filth or worthless piece of crusty bread plagued the land. But nearly three years before-hand a hero had risen through the muck to unite the people through the chaos. His name was King Arthur and with the aid of the ever faithful Knights of the Round Table, he was sent on a quest by God himself to find the Holy Grail. However just before tearing apart the castle where those moronic French knights were said to keep the Grail with a rather epic army behind him, he was arrested for a crime he did not commit. However, knownest to me but unbeknownst to them, help comes in the strangest of forms…"
Just as she tries to finish her introduction, a very angry looking King Arthur comes through the curtains and storms on stage where the narrator is giving the opening speech. "STOP THIS FANFICTION!" he cries and the narrator turns around, only to release an annoyed groan."What do you want Arthur?" she tersely asks. "I`m giving the readers the backdrop for the story".
"This is rather pointless." the King said motioning to the entire set for the introduction. "Everyone who`s going to read this will have either seen the movie a million times, read the Book of The Movie, or seen the lovingly ripped off musical. You might as well just get on with the story... But wait! This entire story is unnecessary!"
"Of course it is! It`s the Unnecessary Sequel!" she tells him, motioning to the entire room.
"Then why are you writing it?" the king asks crudely, crossing his arms to show that he has proven a point. "Everyone knows that sequels are ALWAYS poorly constructed in plot and direction! And fan- fictions are worse!"
"Arthur could you please be quiet? I need to finish the prologue…"she said.
"They`re written by fan girls who have WAY too much time on their hands!"said the king.
"…Please shut up" meekly ordered the narrator
"There is no focus, no point, character are almost ALWAYS out of character, straight characters gay thinking that it`s "hot". . ."continued the king.
"SHUT UP!" The narrator nearly screams, and the King is silent somewhat appalled that a person of that young of an age, especially a WOMAN is telling him to be quiet. "Listen, this is a story that NEEDS to be told, thus I am writing it. But there`s a happy ending . . ."
A pleased smirk grows on the king's face as he asks "So we do find the Grail?"
The narrator sighs before reluctantly responding "Yes… "Inside, she mentally slaps herself for not placing a Spoiler Alert on this conversation.
Arthur is thrilled and unexpectedly throws up his arms and shouts like a medieval cheerleader "HUZZAH! an..." he adds with a devious little smirk, "Do I happen to find my queen?"
Shyly, afraid of giving away any more secrets, the narrator replies "Maybe…" Just then, a head of blonde curls pokes out through the red velvet curtains, curious eyes looking bewildered.
"Well, what the bloody hell are we doing just conversing?" King Arthur asked, more excited than ever "Let`s start the fan fiction!"
Suddenly the red velvet curtains thrashes open as a Prince who would be easily mistaken for a woman if you did not have prior knowledge, comes rushing on the stage humming the addictingly sweet tune of "Where Are You?" He stops his singing and with an extremely feminine and Falsetto voice he asks sweetly, "Oh did I hear that there is to be a Happy Ending?"
Once more the narrator sighs."Ugh. You heard well Herbert"
"Does this mean that Lancelot and I marry?" he asks with bright chipper eyes, waiting for a response.
The narrator freezes, remembering the medieval history that was lessons drilled into her brain, and she meekly says "I`m sorry to break this to you Herbert, but … uh… it really isn`t historically accurate…. If you did you`d faces… uh consequences…."The prince`s eyes grew larger and he suddenly bursts into tears.
Sir Lancelot comes flying from behind stage to his love`s side and wraps him in an embrace, comforting him and rubbing Prince Herbert`s back. "You shut your noise Narrator!"He barked, breaking from Herbert and drawing a sword from his scabarard and he pointed it at the narrator "I have half a mind to…"
"Okay! Okay!" the narrator cowered in fear, recalling how dangerous and homicidal Lancelot could get with weaponry. "Geez, I`m going to force the History Buff in me to go hide and you guys can get married . . ." she said.
However, the narrator cannot finish her promise as once again the curtains thrash. This time, instead of a fragile, meek, and hopelessly romantic prince, there appears a heavy set woman wearing a tight corset that only accentuates her "huge tract of land". She angrily comes onto stage. Everyone swears that the ground is shaken by her walking. It is Princess Lucky and she grabs the narrators' arm and forces her to make eye contact.
"HOLD IT!" she cries, "What about me? Don`t I get married too? My father is dead and I can`t run those huge tracts of land by myself!"
"Uhh. . ." the narrator stutters as she thinks this over. "I didn`t even think of including you in this fan fiction. But if you really want a Prince I`m sure I can score you one . . ."she claims.
Princess Lucky then let's go of the narrator and began to picture what her prince will be like. "A dashingly sexy one!" she mused with a dreamy voice. "One wears manly tights and has sparkling blue eyes! Oh and one who has a great sense of humor and likes long walks on the beach and also…"
"Lucky I don`t know if I can get you a perfect guy like that," The narrator said, "I can`t even get a boyfriend for myself. I don`t know how I can get . . ."she drifted off.
The curtains then parted much wider than before and the entire cast of the Holy Grail came storming onto the stage, accompanied by the deafening sound of bickering.
The French taunters in their obscenely short uniforms, came up to the bemused narrator and, in their OUTRAGEOUS French accents stated, "We want to have some can-can girls to rub it into those silly English knights' faces and also we want….a bigger catapult!"
"What?" the horrified narrator gasped. "What the heck are you gonna fire at them this time?"
The French responded proudly, "An elephant!"
"What?" the narrator said, "How did you get your grubby paws on … Never mind?"
The Knights who say Ni spun the narrator to make their demand. "WE WANT…. ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!"
"Okay… at least I can do that… I think." The narrator said. "If Rodger isn`t too busy…"
The-Man-Who- Offered-A-Not-Dead- Guy- To-The- Dead- Collector-In-Scenes-Two grabs the narrators' arms, turns back through the curtains and drags Not-Dead-Fred (who is insisting he`s still not dead) on stage. "I just want this guy to die!"
"I just want you to take some anger- management classes…" the narrator shot back.
Soon, the entire cast of Holy Grail, the yelling and making loud demands enclosed the helpless Narrator in a small circle. The frightened Narrator is nearly freaking out, exclaimed, "What did I get myself into?"