You Don't Want to Know

I ignore you all the time, pick on you all the time, and, believe it or not, you've gotten your revenge on me a million times over. Every single time you lean near me to make a pointed comment, to throw out a verbal barb, you've gotten your revenge on me. Your breath brushes against my skin just slightly…and my own breath catches in my throat for a brief second, and my heart stumbles over its' next thump. I hesitate in my words before flinging out a stinging retort, and then turn away because secretly I can't stand to see that hurt look in your eyes. It just reminds me of what I'm doing to you.

If not for me, you would actually have a decent self-esteem and not be as self-doubting as you are right now. I know that I make you second guess everything, and I secretly hate myself for it. I hate the fact that I have to be so hurtful in order to keep you from knowing the truth.

What truth is that? Well, that's the part that's a secret. If you knew…well, I can already see the shock that would appear in your eyes. The disgust.

Which is why I'll never tell you. But each time your breath brushes against my skin, you come that much closer to knowing. That much closer to ruining the love-hate relationship that we already have, and that we both are comfortable with.

You say that you always want to know everything…trust me, please, for once. You don't want to know this. You do not want to know what lurks in my mind, and what finds its way into my dreams at night. How I see things in my own eyes. Everything would change, but you could never tell anyone for shame of admitting that you have such a messed-up sister. For as much as you can't stand me, and as much as you would hate me even more after you knew, I'm still your little sister.

Even if I react a certain way whenever I see you kiss your certain girlfriend, even if I make you miserable every time you're in a relationship, you can never truly hate me. But sometimes I wonder if you might know, or at least suspect.

The way your eyes seem to pierce me when I effortlessly lie and you have no idea, but you think something's wrong anyway. The way you avoid talking about your girlfriends when you're alone with me, and only if other members of the family are in the house as well will you say anything. The way my eyes sometimes catch when you grab my arm to drag me to a corner to privately berate me for doing something stupid or reckless…do you notice that?

I don't know if you do, but I'm pretty sure that you don't. So all I have to say to you is this: you don't want to know.

Trust me on this, I beg of you. You don't want to know this. It would ruin your life! But every time you look at me with those wounded eyes after I hurt you with my words, and every time your breath brushes against the back of my neck, you come that much closer to finding out.

Please don't ask, and I'll never tell.

You don't want to know that the only boy that I've ever loved, or been truly in love with, is you…my brother.

A.N. - This is my first little ficlet about Justin and Alex. I'm a huge fan, and I hope that you like it!