Hello friends! Ok, so I got stressed out. And instead of actually getting my shit done, or working on my magnum opus "Ain't Nobody Who Can Sing Like Me", I decided to work on this piece of crack. Oh lordy lord. Here's the complete summary:
a romantic, violent comedy
Summary: NaruSaku, NaruSasu, SasuSaku- NaruSakuSasu? OMFG! WTF! A romantic, violent comedy starring various constellations of Team 7's star-crossed lovers. Het, yaoi, a love triangle, a threesome? You have been warned! Much smexy-ness but no lemons! If you don't like yaoi or threesomes, don't read! If you like crack-tastic smexy-goodness, you're going to love this:) This is one continuous story, not a collection of one shots, and the craziness will build up- mark my words! Honestly, I think this fic is pretty tame, especially compared to what is out there, so I'm rating it a T.
Chapter One: Pink Tigress
"Kakashi-sensei, I think I'm going to be sick." Sakura held her stomach.
"Hn." Sasuke looked away from the scene feigning disinterest.
"Now, now, children, don't be jealous just because your teammate is going to get some!"
"KAKASHI-SENSEI!" Much to Kakashi's relief, the pink-headed girl merely screamed his name and pulled out some of her pink locks, instead of moving to decapitate his own person. Nevertheless, Kakashi backed away from his former student very slowly and jumped onto a nearby tree limb to watch the scene unfold below him. Kakashi mused, Things sure are interesting, now that Sasuke's returned after killing Orochimaru and Itachi, in that order. It's just like the old days now... Of course, instead of being team 7, they were team Kakashi; and instead of being immature brats, these three had had no trouble stealing his bells...and his porn...in that order. Kakashi sighed and turned his attention back to the hormonally driven teens below.
Naruto was sheepishly grinning- the ever oblivious blonde- while the hot young thing they had just rescued from a band of thieves began slowly closing the distance between the two.
"I don't know how I can ever repay you kind ninja!" The young maiden put a hand on her (very generous) heaving bosom and took a step closer to Naruto.
"Oh, it was nothing, really, dattebayo! I'm just glad we could help!"
"Surely, there must be something I can give you!"
On the sidelines, Sakura's inner voice thought scathingly, Like your virginity, you fucking whore! Ack! Instead, Sakura called to her teammate, "Come on Naruto, let's get going!"
Naruto turned towards the rescued woman and grinned, "Well, looks like we've got to get-"
Before he could finish his sentence, the girl kissed him full on the lips. Naruto's eyes glazed over like the proverbial sugary donut.
Sakura's eyes bugged out of her head.
Sasuke raised an eyebrow- the Uchiha's version of his eyes bugging out of his head.
Kakashi leaned back against the tree, enjoying the free movie.
The young maiden pulled her lips away from sucking out Naruto's soul via his mouth long enough to breathlessly ask, "Won't you come home with me?"
"Ummm-" But before Naruto could formulate a thought in his rather foggy head, his words were cut off-
Naruto looked up towards the loud voice and impending pink doom. "Ack! Gomen! Gomen! Bye nice lady! Have a nice life! Gah!" Naruto bid the fair damsel ado as he ran for his life, wishing that he had mastered the hiraishin like his father. Instead, he pumped chakra into his legs and prayed. Kami, please, please help me- oh my fucking-
"NARUTO! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"
"Sakura-chaaaan! Gomen! Gomen! GOMEN!"
Naruto blinked and vaulted over another tree branch. "Sakura-chan, I didn't do anything wrong! She kissed me! I wasn't going to go home with her Sakura-chan, please, please don't be-"
His pleading was cut off by a volley of sharp projectiles thrown in his direction, and Sakura's voice shouting, "YOU FUCKING PERV! YOU ARE SO DEAD!"
"Kage bunshin no jutsu!"
Immediately, hundreds of Naruto's popped into being- Naruto hoped that he could exhaust his opponent before she reached the real him. His hopes were quickly dashed to the ground, however, as Sakura uprooted a large pine tree with her bare hands and swung it around like a club in a full circle, summarily destroying all the clones in one fell swoop, and hurtling the real Naruto's body into the stratosphere. As Naruto flew through the sky, he had an image in his mind of Sakura as a pink-haired, herculean, ogress. The amusing image was lost, however, as Naruto sailed into a nearby cliff-side. Too stunned to mold chakra, his flatten form began slipping down towards the dark abyss of the ravine-
"NARUTO!" Sakura charged up the cliff-side with chakra-enhanced feet and a gloved fist glowing with monstrous blue energy.
"EEEP!" Quickly, Naruto regained his senses and ran up the cliff and onto the plateau, looking for a good hiding spot. Silently, he made four shadow clones and surreptitiously hid himself inside a hollowed out old oak tree. Henging the tree to look whole, Naruto tried to still his heavy breathing. Already he could feel two of his clones had been dispersed by Sakura, and judging from the position they were in when they were destroyed, Naruto could tell Sakura wasn't far. Shit, our hero thought miserably, I don't even know what I did wrong! I wasn't being pervy! I swear! That crazy girl just started sucking my face! Ack!
Naruto felt the third clone vanish, and winced at how violently Sakura had destroyed it. Beads of sweat began to fall from his forehead.
That's it, he mused in despair, I'm a dead man. He could face down Akatsuki members, be fearless in the face of Orochimaru, but none of these enemies could hold a candle to the horror-inducing pink demon that was his teammate.
"NARUTOOOOO!" The fourth clone was gone, and now Naruto knew Sakura was right next to him-
Suddenly, the entire tree was uprooted and thrown into the ravine, the sound of wood splintering resounding in booming echos throughout the hillside. Naruto turned around, shaking, to see his red faced assailant, her right fist drawn back and aimed at his face-
Naruto ducked and hurled his weight at Sakura's legs, who promptly lost her balance and fell in an unceremonious heap, while Naruto made a mad dash for the forest.
Grinning, Sakura found wire in her weapons pouch and shouted, "Never turn your back on an opponent Naruto-kuuuuun!"
Naruto was momentarily bound and slumped to the ground. His only defense now was to beg for his life.
"Sakura-chan! Please, tell me what I did wrong! Whatever it is, I'm sorry! Dattebayo!"
Sakura ignored him, grabbed him by the back of his shirt collar, slung him up against a tree, and suspended the boy by said shirt collar by pinning a kunai through the fabric into the tree trunk. Sakura drew her face closer to Naruto's, her eyes narrowing menacingly.
Naruto's eyes were as big as saucers as he pleaded, "Sakura-chan! I'll do anything! Just please don't kill me-"
Naruto closed his eyes and winced as the impact hit him-
wait...this feels nice. What the-
Naruto opened a cautious eye and found that Sakura was violently kissing him. Naruto's mouth opened in an "o" of surprise, and Sakura took the opening to forcefully shove her tongue past his lips.
"Mrphfl! Ommmmfffggeee- dubyouteeeffff!" Naruto had trouble forming a coherent sentence with Sakura's pink tongue filling his mouth. Sakura pulled away momentarily and coyly asked, "Nani?"
"Sakura!" Naruto panted, "Omfg! WTF?"
"Shut up and enjoy it." Sakura kissed her captive hard on the mouth again, shoving her body against his and smashing Naruto between her person and the tree.
A while later, a victorious Sakura- with a prone Naruto thrown over her shoulder, his eyes reduced to little swirls- stormed back to where Kakashi and Sasuke had been waiting for them. Kakashi glanced up at them with a bemused cyclopic eye. Sakura reminded him of a pink tigress- and taking the metaphor further, Kakashi couldn't decide if having Naruto slung over her back made her look like either a tigress who was bearing her cub tenderly, or a predatory cat carrying her prey. Kakashi shuddered.
Sasuke coughed. "Hn. Wow. That was...special. I guess I missed a lot, being gone for three years..."
Kakashi choked on his own spit.
Sasuke continued, "So...are you two...a thing?"
Sakura punched Sasuke in the face and ignoring his question, replied sweetly, "Ok, let's head home!"
Sasuke rubbed his abused face and contemplated becoming a missing nin again...
lol, well, tell me what you think! Reviews are always appreciated:)