a/n Well. Look who's back, writing crack fiction once again. Wings. You make me sick, Wings, you really do. You thought you were too good for writing crack fiction, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? Well, don't you think you've kept your faithful readers waiting long enough? You didn't want to publish this, did you; you said you were too whacked out from having a head cold and probably a fever too, but I say this only makes your crack fic more EPIC!
And so, patient readers, I present to you, the long awaited next chapter to OMFG. I have hijacked Wings' body, made her fingers type, and viola, fanfic update.
The Devil Who Lives in Wings' Subconscious Mind.
Chapter 12: What the Fuck Just Happened?
Temari pushed tendrils of blonde hair out of her face. She had run straight to Konoha from Suna, and then straight from the Hokage's tower to the Forest O Doom, along with Tubby, Bulimic, and Lazy-ass, otherwise known as Team Ten. Their mission: to warn Team Seven of the impending Kyuubi kidnapping.
Temari was exhausted, sweaty, and smelled like a pig, but that all paled in light of what was at stake here. If the Akatsuki got their hands on Naruto, it would mean the end of the world as they knew it; the mother fucking apocalypse; the shattering of the shinobi world—
"Shit, does anyone have any potato chips? I'm famished," cried Choji.
Ino punched Choji in the arm. "Is that all you can think of in a time like this? We're running so fast, my beautiful blonde hair is getting TANGLED!"
"Gods damned troublesome mission," Shikamaru grumbled. "If only we hadn't been at the Hokage's tower when the shit hit the fan…"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU KONOHA REJECTS!" Temari shouted. "THE AKATSUKI ARE RUNNING LOOSE IN YOUR VILLAGE AND—"
"Shut up Temari," Shikamaru mumbled, "no one likes a shouter—"
Shikamaru was unable to finish his sentence; Temari took out her fan and whapped him over the head with the hard metal edge. "YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!" she roared, her blue-green eyes wild with fury.
Choji looked at Ino.
Ino looked at Choji.
"Yes ma'am," both Ino and Choji chimed in unison.
"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered, rubbing his abused head.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" said Temari, who apparently had a severe problem with the CAPSLOCK key. She raised her fan threateningly and growled low in her throat.
Shikamaru sighed. "Nothing. Let's go. Akatsuki and all that…"
Temari nodded her head in the manner of a pedantic teacher, and then team Ino-Lazy-Tubby-Temari bounded on through the outskirts of the village, towards the Forest O Doom and Gloom.
"Holy shit fuck," said Temari, "Do you guys hear that deafening noise in the distance? It sounds like a chorus of screeching harpies, an earthquake, and a slip-n-slide combined into one epic event—Doubleyou Tee Phhh?"
"What?" Shikamaru replied.
"Tch, Shika," said Ino, "as usual, you are clueless. She said WTF—as in, 'What The Fuck.' Wake up and smell the Kool-Aid."
"Kool-Aid?" Temari replied incredulously. "How outdated are your metaphores, Ino?"
"Bitch, you wanna go?" Ino spat. "I will totally—"
"Oh, it is so on, slut-face—"
"GIRLS!" Shikamaru shouted.
"WHAT!" Temari and Ino replied in stereo.
"Shut the fuck up," Shikamaru replied with a shrug.
Choji stepped away.
Temari and Ino cracked their knuckles.
A moment later, Shikamaru pried himself off of the cold, hard ground, his face decorated in pretty purple and red bruises. "Well that was troublesome," he muttered.
"Stuff it, Lazy-ass," Temari muttered. "We should go investigate the disturbance happening in the Forest-O-Death-And-Destruction—"
"Shouldn't we just get the ANBU?" Choji broke in. "How the hell are we supposed to defeat any Akatsuki members if we find them? We're the most useless ninja in the series."
"Speak for yourself, fat-ass," Temari grumbled. "I'm going on—"
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Choji shouted.
Ino sighed and ran a hand through her disheveled hair. "Choji, come on, if you help us warn Naruto of his impending doom, I'll buy you a bag of barbecue potato chips."
Choji brightened at that. "You will, Ino?"
"Yes," Ino lied, smiling her brilliant, chemically whitened smile. "Now let's go, Team Ino-Shika-Cho-Tema!"
"Don't fucking add me on to your lame-ass team," Temari spat over her shoulder. "Come on, let's fucking go already!"
They got to the gates; Temari used the wind-power in her awesome fan to vault herself over the gate without breaking her stride. Shikamaru rolled his eyes and unlocked the gate with the key from his pocket. "Some people are such show-offs," he grumbled to himself.
"Hi-O, team Ino-Shika-Cho!" Ino called as she dragged her two teammates after her, running as fast as her skinny legs could carry her (which wasn't really that fast).
"Gods, you Konoha nin are so lame!" Temari called as she raced on ahead of the inept ninja. Even though she had just traveled for three days straight without eating, sleeping, or peeing (because she was a gods-damned ninja and she could do that kind of thing) she was still running faster than Team Ten, who were trying to comb through their hair with their fingers (Ino), grumbling (Shika), and chewing on the empty foil wrapper from a long-vanished candy-bar (Fat-ass).
They were nearing closer and closer to the sounds of the disturbance in the forest, when suddenly, an unidentified but seriously smexy voice called out, "Love-Clusterfuck-No-Jutsu!"
Time seemed to slow.
Pink and purple glitter shimmered in the air.
Tiny, bright green fairies buzzed in the air and tittered with laughter.
Temari stopped dead in her tracks. "What the hell was that?" she snapped, thinking either Shikamaru or Choji has said those words (though neither Shikamaru or Choji possessed such a smexy voice). The first person she saw was Shikamaru.
"Oi, Shikamaru, is it just me, or did you just become very sexually appealing in the last five seconds?" Temari called.
But Shikamaru wasn't listening; he was staring straight at Choji. "Hey Choji," he called, "I think I'm attracted to you…as more than a friend. This could be troublesome…"
But Choji was looking at Ino and flushing hotly, too flustered to say anything.
Ino stamped her foot and pointed a finger at Shikamaru. "Listen Shikamaru, you can't be gay, because I'm totally in love with you!"
"Bitch, Shikamaru is mine!" Temari huffed.
"Nu-uh, he was my friend first!" Ino shouted.
"Guys, I'm gay, I'm totally not into either of you."
Silence ensued after that. Ino looked at Temari. Temari looked at Ino. Then, an epic bitch fight between Ino and Temari ensued, a horrible blaze of jutsu, and gnashing teeth, and fingernails. A cloud of dust rose and obscured Temari and Ino from sight as they tried to rip out each other's throats.
"So, um…Choji…" Shikamaru muttered. "Would you want to maybe…make out with me?"
Choji crossed his arms and thought for a moment. "Though I'm currently under some kind of strange and inexplicable genjutsu to lust after women, the truth is, I'm super duper gay and I'd be happy to make out with you, Shikamaru."
Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. "Cool."
The two ninja commenced to sucking face, totally oblivious to the snickering coming from the two rogue, S-classed ninja in the treetops above their heads.
Itachi and Kisame viewed the violent destruction that Itachi's genjutsu had wrecked on the hapless nin frolicking and fighting below them in the Forest-Of-Deathly-Hollows. Currently, the clearing was covered in vast swatches of chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Far from looking like an idyllic scene for a porn, it rather looked like someone had churned up a ton of mud and melted white goo into it. Also, the smell of whipped cream turning liquid and rancid in the noon-day sun was, to say the least, vile.
"Itachi," Kisame muttered, "I think it's time to go in for the kill."
Itachi nodded gravely. "Yes. While my idiot kid brother is battling that pink-headed nut-job with the anger management problem for the right to court the shy but strangely crass and belligerent Hyuga, we should make off with the Kyuubi, who is currently passed out with an epic nosebleed."
"Oi—did you just say we should make-out with the Kyuubi while he's passed out? Geez, Itachi, I may be an evil mother-fucker, but pedophile I am not—"
"Shut the fuck up. I said we should make off with the Kyuubi, not make out with him. Just because you are a sexually deviant freak, don't project your tastes for underage jinchurikis on me—"
"Itachi, you fucking asshole!" Kisame shouted as he lunged for the Uchiha's throat.
Unfortunately, as Kisame landed on Itachi's branch, the poor bough collapsed under the fish-man's weight, and Itachi and Kisame came crashing down, right into a giant puddle of partially rancid chocolate syrup and whipped cream.
Sasuke and Sakura, who had been in the middle of beating the shit out of each other, turned and stared at who it was who had DARED to disturb them. Hinata, who hitherto had been pulled in two directions at once by Sasuke and Sakura, took this fortuitous moment to wrench her arms back into their sockets.
"Hark!" said Sasuke. "It is my evil, douchey, homicidal brother, whom I have sworn to slay! Why for did he fall out of the tree, and why for is he now covered in chocolate syrup?"
Itachi grunted. "This is unfortunate. I did not want to interact with you while you were still under my vaguely haxed and Shakespearian genjutsu."
"Brother!" Sasuke shouted, "I challenge thee to a duel!"
"Does this mean I get to make-out with Hinata now?" Sakura called.
"Sakura," Hinata replied, "even though you are a better kisser than Sasuke, I am forced by this unbelievable and trite genjutsu to love only Sasuke."
At this moment, Naruto—who, if you will remember, was tied to a tree and passed out from a very pervy nosebleed—regained consciousness. "Oi! What the fuck are Itachi and Kisame doing here? And why is Sakura making out with Hinata! What the fucking fuck fuck!"
"Alack," cried Sasuke, "Sakura, please refrain from kissing my beloved, or I shall bite my thumb at thee."
"Itachi," Kisame whispered to Itachi, "Why is Sasuke speaking like a douche-bag?"
"It is an unfortunate side-effect of the love-clusterfuck-no-jutsu," Itachi replied with a sigh. "I'm afraid that it mainly effects Uchihas who are caught under the jutsu."
"Ho-ho brother, for I have overhead your dastardly conversation, and ye, I shall better you for your evil jutsu!" Sasuke shouted.
"How the fuck did you just hear that?" Itachi demanded. "I was using my indoor voice."
"Ah, brother, you have forgotten that I have Sharingan ears as well as Sharingan eyes!" Sasuke cried triumphantly.
"Itachi," Kisame whispered, "what the hell are Sharingan ears?"
Itachi sighed heavily. "It comes from my mother's side of the family…"
But the super evil bad guys had no more time to confer. Quickly, Sasuke made a series of hand-signs and called, "Love-Clusterfuck-No-Jutsu!"
"Noooooooooooo!" called Itachi.
"What the fuck?" grumbled Kisame.
Sakura and Hinata didn't say anything; they were too busy making out. Naruto, too, was silent, for he had passed out with another pervy nosebleed as he watched Saukra and Hinata.
Pink and scarlet glitter fell from the heavens, twinkling in the air.
The wind blew, rustling everyone's hair in a repetitious yet artful waste of time for about five minutes while the animators spent five minute's worth of their budget on bad porn.
Blue and green fairies came out of the trees, burped up psychedelic designs, then stole Naruto's orange M$M's.
Hinata pulled away from Sakura; Sakura pulled away from Hinata. Sasuke's mouth hung open in shock.
"Hark! I have never seen anything more beautiful than that blue-skinned devil over yonder!" cried Sasuke, in a terrible facsimile of Shakespearian English.
"Dude, I would severely like to tap Uchiha the elder's ass," Hinata called, placing her hands on her hips.
"Hmmm, I think I'm still in love with Hinata," Sakura cried, as if to herself. "Hey Hinata, wanna have a threesome with Itachi?"
"Hells yes I do!" Hinata squealed.
"Shit. Shit shit shit fuck," Itachi breathed. "Kisame, I think I want to make out with my little brother."
"I told you that you were gay," Kisame managed at last. "But I never knew you were gay for your own brother…you realize that's incest, right?"
"Technically, that would be UchihacestⓇ," Hinata quipped. "Yo Sakura, you wanna have a foursome with Itachi and Sasuke?"
"Kai! Kai! Shit fuck damn, KAI!" Itachi cried, but it was no use. He still wanted to make-out with his brother, which was morally reprehensible, yet somehow totally hot and thrilling for so many fanfic readers (Sasuke. I am your brother. I killed your/our parents. I want to have hot gay sex with you? WTF?)
"Quickly, Kisame, you must bludgeon me over the head and get me out of here!" Itachi shouted. "For Love-Clusterfuck-No-Jutsu is my most severely haxed and unbreakable genjutsu!"
"But what about the Kyuubi?" Kisame called.
"Forget about the Kyuubi, just get me out of here!" Itachi shouted. "Before I do something very, very disgusting, yet decidedly appealing to rabid yaoi fangirls!"
"You can't leave, Uchiha-sama! You were going to have a foursome with us!" both Sakura and Hinata cried in unison.
"Blue man, doth you wish to leave me here with this unrequited love?" Sasuke called.
Kisame shrugged, hit Itachi over the head with his sword, and threw the man over his shoulders. "Sorry kid. Genjutsu or no, my one true love is Itachi. See you later."
And with that, Kisame ran off through the forest. Sasuke tried to run after them, but he was stopped by Sakura and Hinata.
"Well, if we can't have Itachi…" Hinata began.
"I suppose Sasuke is the next best thing…" Sakura concluded.
"Stop! Cease and desist, foul wenches! For I am most truly homosexual! Gah!" Sasuke tried to protest, but alas, it was to no avail.
Naruto shook his head, slowly coming to consciousness. He blinked. Then blinked some more. When he saw Hinata, Sakura and Sasuke having a threesome in a mostly putrescent pool of melted chocolate syrup and whipped cream congealing in the noonday sun, he passed out with yet another epic nosebleed.
They were safe from the Akatsuki—for now. But HARK, in the distance, a legion of ANBU were quickly closing in on the Forest of Death, and at the front of their lines were Tsunade-sama, fearless Hokage of the Hidden Leaf, and Danzo, evil secret warlord with many an Uchiha eyeball embedded in his bionic arms.
What will happen when they come upon our heros, smothered in rancid dessert toppings? Where are Kakashi and Yamato? And where the fuck is Team Ino-Lazy-Lard-ass-Tema?
Tsunade and Danzo are going to be totally pissed; Kakashi is reading porn in the tower, totally oblivious to the so-called danger of Itachi's retarded genjutsu; Yamato is picking toe jam out of his funky feet; meanwhile, Temari and Ino have called a truce to videotape Choji and Shikamaru making-out so that they can post it on their youtube accounts, agreeing to split the advertisement revenue when their video goes viral.
Until next time!
a/n lol, and now I take my cough syrup and go to bed. I love you all, sorry for the long wait, please review or I might cry T-T
and yes...I WILL UPDATE AGAIN! I swearz!