Half Blood Millionaire
Summary- They've been to Gringotts and the Ministry. So when the new radio hit Who Wants To Be A Millionaire comes to Hogwarts the world listens to see how smart the Professors really are. Which Professor will get chosen? Will they win? SS/MM
A/N- I'm not sure how I got inspired to write this so suddenly. I wasn't watching Slumdog Millionaire at the the time, nor was I reading it, it just steamrolled into my brain and built a house in it. A rather remarkable well built house that was completely thought out in a matter of minutes it seemed.
This is my first fic under this name, so let me explain that I'm trying to write a story for every character with Severus. And so I wanted to hit all the Genre's and Cliche's. I hope this fits the Parody Genre and the Adaptation Cliche.
This is VERY LOOSELYbased on Slumdog Millionaire. There are 12 questions overall and while I didn't use all of Slumdog's questions I tried to match them up a bit... And this takes place after the war. Severus has lived and all the students are back for to complete their 7th year.
Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own Slumdog Millionaire. I don't own Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. I don't own Regis Philban- you'll see what I mean later in the story.
"Is there any more business anyone wishes to bring to the table?" Minerva McGonagall asked looking around the table at her Professors.
Everyone shook their heads. This was the last staff meeting before the end of the school year in two weeks, and there was a certain happiness that always permeated the air during the last one. Even Severus didn't look completely annoyed- even though he knew what Minerva was going to say next.
"Then I have one thing to announce." Minerva said trying to calm her excitement.
"This isn't where you tell us you're retiring and leaving Severus in charge is it?" Rolanda asked briskly, "Because I think we ought to put it to a vote first. All in favor of overruling Minerva's retirement say aye!"
Several people yelled 'Aye' with grins on their faces. Severus scowled in Rolanda's direction.
"Let it be known if that was her announcement, you wouldn't have needed to worry, I'd rather have sex with you than take over as Headmaster again."
"You're loss Severus." Rolanda replied giving Severus a wink and a naughty smirk.
Severus sneered at her while the table broke into more amused laughter. Severus and Rolanda trading jibes was the norm.
"Alright, alright enough of that you two," Minerva said with a smile, "I am not retiring. However, if I should win the prize in two week's time, I might have to ammend that statement."
"What are you talking about?"
Minerva smirked as she noticed the staff sit up a little more in their seats at her words.
"We're all familiar with the show Who Wants to be a Millionaire? We've all talked about it at some point at meals."
"What about it?"
Minerva waited, wanting to draw it out. But Severus hardly let the silence last five seconds-
"Oh out with it already witch! Stop leading them on." He snapped.
Minerva pursed her lips in his direction, but spoke none the less anyways.
"As we all know Who Wants to be a Millionaire? has already done a Gringott's edition, and a Ministry edition, well now they've chosen to do a Hogwart's edition."
Everyone looked at Professor Highstakes- the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor after he'd asked the question.
"Why not us, Robert?" Mierva answered her newest Professor.
"Yes I can see the pull. We are educator's, it's sort of implied that we're smart people." Septima remarked.
"And sending us on a show to prove otherwise will only cause trouble." Severus said.
The table looked at Severus.
"You all obviously can hear what Severus's opinion on the matter is." Minerva said with a smirk.
"Well of course he doesn't want to do it, he wouldn't do anything fun." Rolanda said shaking her head.
"You call fun not knowing the answer to a simple question while thousands of people listen at home fun?" Severus asked with a quirked eyebrow.
"I consider it Bloody good fun," Rolanda replied while smacking her hand down on the table.
"While Severus has kindly pointed out the obvious Cons of the matter- such as too many of us not doing well and people suddenly losing faith in the school-"
"As if we would really do so terribly." Rolanda interrupted.
"Now, now, Rolanda, you must remember not everyone is well versed in all matters of all things." Filius said while trying suspiciously hard not to look in any one person's direction.
"He's right. I've never been very good with the subject of Astronomy." Robert Highstakes said.
"Oh dear… and while Minerva may be my best friend, I've always been dreadful at anything involving Transfiguration." Pomona admitted.
All of a sudden people were listing things they knew they weren't very knowledgeable on.
"Maybe Severus does have a point then." Minerva conceded.
"I disagree," Rolanda stated loudly and stood up, "You lot are looking at it all wrong. Sure there's things we don't know, but that's what makes the show such a hit. You think they're going to do a Hogwarts edition of the show and ask us about our subjects? Of course not." Rolanda said answering her own question before anyone could object. "They're going to ask us stuff completely out of any our realms. It's going to be good old fashioned 'either you know it or you don't'."
"Isn't it always that?" Aurora asked.
"Not necessarily. She makes a good point." Filius remarked. "The Ministry edition of the show stayed away from anything that could be 'studied' in another department for the most part."
"Exactly. Plus you're forgetting the real incentive. One Million Galleons. I don't know about you lot, but I sure wouldn't mind having that in my Gringotts account."
More arguing broke out over it until Minerva whistled.
"First let it be known that half of all money won will go towards the school." The group nodded in understanding before she continued, "we could debate this for days, but I only have two more days to answer them. The show would air during the last week of school- so it won't disrupt the students exams."
"Why not wait till school is out?" Pomiona asked.
"That's what I asked. But they pointed out that they would then have to bring in outside audience. If they do it while school is in session, the students shall be the audience."
"Definitely not much of an incentive, we won't hear the end of it when the term begins a new about our wrong answers, will we?" Robert stated.
"To be honest… I think that after a summer of two and a half months off, our performance on the show won't be much of gossip in September." Minerva answered.
"Do none of you think you can win?" Rolanda asked looking seriously annoyed that everyone wasn't jumping at this.
There was a bit of silence after this question. If anyone thought yes, they surely weren't going to admit it.
"Listen," Rolanda spoke up after the silence, "If I get picked I don't expect to win, but once I'm picked there's not too many other people who can say the same. And as the Muggles say, you gotta be in it, to win it."
Another silence met her words. Each Professor quietly thinking it over.
"I daresay both Rolanda and Severus have given us much to think about. So let me get down to the point." Minerva said breaking the silence, "They'll only do the show if a good majority of the staff agree to it. Since there are 13 of us that means at least 10 of you have to agree. They're afarid if we blow through Professors there won't be anyone left to participate."
Everyone shot each other looks, obviously thinking of the obvious decliners.
"Not much of er surprise and whatnot, but I reckon I wouldn't be game to be a participatin." Hagrid spoke up, a bit of a blush on his cheeks.
"Don't feel bad old boy," Highstakes said kindly, "It takes a better man to know when some things aren't for him."
There was a round of agreement.
"And while I have no doubt that my knowledge of all things historical would make me a winner, the afterlife leaves me with no need of Galleons. I shall have to decline as well." Professor Binns said.
"That would've been interesting though… a ghost winning a million galleons." Rolanda said with a smirk at the ghost.
"Yes, I'm sure I would've carried it in my own two hands at that…" Binns asnwered with a ghost of a smile.
The table laughed. Binns had become much more lievlier after the war- well as lively as a ghost could get.
"I will decline for much the same reasons as Professor Binns" Firenze stated simply, "I have no use for human money."
"But you could probably use the money to buy the Centaurs a whole bunch of lawyers to help fight for your rights." Minerva stated.
"Alas, while that may be true, I know nothing much of human life except the basics of everyday living." the centuar said.
"Well," Minerva said looking a bit concerned, "With Firenze's decline that leaves us at the breaking point. Is there anyone else who wishes to decline? Do not let other people's opinion sway your answer on the matter… there is after all, a very good chance any of us could get chosen…"
The table at once slowly but surely began to look in Severus's direction. And slowly but surely the corners of his lips began to turn upward until he was smirking.
"Ah… I take it you are all waiting to hear my decline of this foolishness."
"Severus, don't ruin it for us," Rolanda said immediately, "Be a kind person for once in your life."
"Oh dear," He said feigning concerning, "If it's a choice between pleasing myself and upsetting Rolanda Hooch, I wonder whatever shall I choose?"
There were a few huffs after his words.
"Rolanda, if that is his choice we must respect it. So, that-" Minerva started.
"I don't believe I said anything." Severus interrupted.
"Aha," Roland shouted, "I know what you're up to Severus Snape. You're just as much a fan as any of us, aren't you? You like to pretend you don't care, but you're probably a raging fan of the show."
"Keep talking Rolanda and I will decline."
Rolanda promptly shut up.
"I am not some secret fan boy or anything as ridiculous as that." Severus said cutting Rolanda a look, " However, getting the chance to see some of you embarrass yourself in front of thousands of people would greatly amuse me. I won't decline."
There was a sudden sigh of relief that was let out.
"Well then, that concludes the meeting. In one week's time Who Wants to be a Millionaire? will begin at Hogwart's. And for those of you who have declined it will be announced that all teacher's are participating but you're names won't actually be in the drawing."
Everyone nodded at her and made their way out of the staff room, talking excitedly to themselves. When all but Minerva and Severus remained she spoke to him.
"I really thought you were going to decline. You seemed dead set against it when I first brought it to your attention."
"As Deputy Headmaster it's my job to help you weigh the Pros and Cons of every decision."
"I'm still waiting for you to list some Pros then. I'm sure you're all Cons."
"You take care of the Pros and I the Cons. I believe they call that Balance, Minerva."
Minerva tsked, but then stared at him.
"Well… what if your name is pulled?"
"I will purposely lose."
"Severus Snape." She snapped in disbleief.
"What?" He asked, enjoiyng the feeling he got whwneevr he baited her.
"That's… that's unethical. You're supposed to set an example for the students." She uttered.
"I will be. I'll be showing them that one game show question does not make or break you." Severus answered.
Minerva cut him a hard look which he returned just as fiercely.
"You're lying Severus."
"I am not."
"What if the first question was easy?"
"It's no matter."
"Even if it was about Potions?"
"Really Severus? If the first question was 'What do magical people use to make potions in?' and the choices were A- a Bathtub, B- a Shoe, C- a Cauldron or D- a Frisbee you would say the wrong answer?"
"Don't be ridiculous Minerva, such a question would hardly exist-"
"Such a question did exist. A few episodes back the very first question was that one. Surely you remember? Rolanda asked you about it at breakfast the next morning."
Minerva watched as Severus eyebrow quirked as if suddenly remembering the conversation.
"Is that why she kept asking me if I'd ever made a potion in a Frisbee?"
Minerva didn't bother to hold the snort of laughter that left her. And then giggled outright when he sneered at her.
"I thought she'd been drinking too much the night before."
"Not at all." Minerva said calming herself though she continued to smirk at his annoyed expression.
"Alright, perhaps if that was the first question I would answer correctly, but only as to uphold my reputation as Potion's Master."
"Of course." Minerva answered knowingly. "It's been a long day Severus, I shall see you in the morning, yes?"
"At breakfast, yes…" he answered sounding distracted.
Minerva could tell Severus was in deep thought, no doubt wondering if he would really have to answer such a question. She smiled fondly at him and made her way out of the staffroom.
A/N- So I went to go look for my copy of Slumdog Millionaire and remembered that I lent it out and never got it back :( Don't know if anyone was keeping track but I kept having to rework the nymbers because I would always forget a teacher. But in the end I got 13 by including Severus, Minerva, Filius, Pomona, Highstakes, Aurora, Septima, Rolanda, Sybill, Binns, Hagrid, Firenze, the Muggle Studies Professor. Minerva is both Headmistress and Transfiguration teacher as a replavcement wasn't found... whew.