A/N: My muse has descended like never before, so I decided to post for the third straight day! Yay! I didn't want to think hard or try and write anything profound, so here is my second stab at humor. It's also kind of rushed and different from my normal writing style (at least, the middle part of it is), but I meant to do that. It's always good to try something new (although in this case, I think I may never do it again. It felt really weird to be writing with a different style).
I hope you enjoy it! This takes place during Harry's seventh year.
Seducing a Girl is Easy…Right?
"Hermione, oh Hermione," Harry moaned in his sleep, waking up Ron for the third night in a row. "Please Hermione, don't stop, OH HERMIONE!"
By now the rest of the dorm was up, looking around bleary-eyed. Harry continued moaning Hermione's name. As Harry's roommates realized what had woken them up they all began laughing. Sure, they had had their share of wet dreams, but they hadn't moaned the girl's name loud enough to wake anybody else up (or at least they hoped they hadn't).
After a few minutes their laughter died down, leaving the room quiet but for Harry's moaning. Frankly, it now became quite disturbing. Ron, making a disgusted face at his roommates, pulled Harry's curtains back and shook him roughly, hoping to wake him up as soon as possible. "What?" Harry asked, still half-asleep. "Ron, what happened to Hermione? I was so close."
Ron slapped Harry just hard enough to wake him completely, not wishing to receive any more emotional scars from this disturbing night. "Ron, why the hell did you wake me up?" Harry demanded angrily. "I was having a great dream!"
Ron snorted. "Did it involve you and Hermione playing a rousing game of 'hide the pickle'?"
Harry's jaw dropped and his face turned red. "How did…I don't even like Hermione like that!" he said unconvincingly. Then he noticed that the rest of his roommates were awake as well. "It's three in the morning, why are you guys all up?"
"It was kind of hard to sleep with you moaning Hermione's name loud enough to wake the dead," said Dean as Seamus sniggered. Neville just looked at Harry sympathetically.
Harry swallowed convulsively and Ron cracked up laughing. "Don't deny it mate, you've got the hots for Hermione!"
"So what?" Harry muttered defensively, his face still red. "Now that you've all had a good laugh at me, can I go back to bed?"
"No, wait," said Ron, grinning mischievously. "When are you going to ask her out?"
"Never," said Harry flatly. "I value our friendship too much."
"Don't be such a pussy, Harry," said Seamus, his grin as wide as Ron's. "Only girls can get away with saying that."
Harry glared at Seamus, and Ron said, "I think he just knows there's no way Hermione would ever go out with him. I mean, look at how ugly he is," said Ron with a sly wink to Dean, Seamus, and Neville.
Harry snorted. "Very funny, Ron. But seriously, I could get Hermione if I tried. I just don't want to try is all." With that, Harry drew his curtains closed and laid down on his pillow.
"Pussy," Seamus coughed. He continued to do it and soon Ron and Dean had joined.
Harry sat up in bed angrily and wrenched the curtains open. "Will you guys shut up? I'm trying to go to sleep here."
"Not until you admit you're a pussy or you sincerely tell us you'll try to seduce Hermione," said Ron.
Harry sat there for a minute, staring at his clenched fists as he weighed his options. If he succeeded, his dream of Hermione could become a reality and he could prove to the other guys that he could properly seduce a woman. If he gave up now he would be branded a pussy for life but his relationship with Hermione wasn't at risk.
He sighed. "Fuck it," he said. "I'll try to seduce her."
"Good on you, mate," said Ron as Dean and Seamus laughed.
"What's so funny?" asked Harry. "Don't think I can do it?"
"Nope," said Dean. "We guys just want to get laid. But with girls it's all about whether you love them or not. Just because you flash her your six-pack doesn't mean she'll hop in bed with you. And there's the dilemma. If you want to get in her pants you'll have to tell her you love her. It's kind of awkward to tell her the next morning that you didn't really mean it. So…good luck," he said, grinning.
Harry smirked. "All right, you think it's impossible? Fine, what do you want to bet?"
"What?" asked Ron.
Harry's smirk grew. "A bet, Ron. A little wager between pals."
"All right," said Ron, grinning. "No going back on it, though."
"Make sure you remember that yourself," said Harry.
"Okay," said Ron. "If you can't seduce Hermione by the end of the week…hmm…you'll have to stand up and hug Snape in the middle of class and tell him you love him."
Harry confidently nodded. There was no way he could lose anyway. "Fine by me. But if I do seduce Hermione by the end of the week, you have to…let me see…" he grinned evilly, "…you have to walk up to Professor McGonagall during dinner and plant a wet one on her lips, tongue and all."
Dean and Seamus laughed out loud as Ron pretended to ponder it, a confident smirk on his face. "Okay. Shake on it."
They stuck out their hands and shook, sealing the deal. "I can't wait to see you hug the greasy git," Ron sniggered.
"Dream on," said Harry. "Make sure you practice your kissing on your pillow. Wouldn't want McGonagall to fail you, would you?"
The two friends laughed and pulled their hangings shut, falling asleep to the humorous image of the other fulfilling their end of the bargain.
There was a reason Harry was so confident about this whole deal: He had an ace up his sleeve (not that Ron had to know that, of course). Ron only thought Harry was physically attracted to Hermione. The truth was that Harry was completely and utterly in love with his best female friend. If he failed to seduce her, he could always confess to her how he truly felt.
When Harry woke up later that morning, he and Ron grinned at each other. Today was Monday, which meant that Harry had five days to seduce Hermione.
Harry had the perfect plan for today. He had Quidditch practice, which meant that he would return to the common room all sweaty. It was the perfect excuse to take off his shirt.
So after practice that day, he came in to the common room and flopped on the couch right next to Hermione. "How was practice?" she asked.
"Bloody hot," said Harry, his voice a bit husky. He pulled his training jersey over his head and tossed it in the direction of Ron, Dean, and Seamus, who were sniggering together in a corner of the common room. When Hermione looked away out of embarrassment, he quickly took the opportunity to pop the button on his pants. There was no way Hermione could possibly resist…right? Quidditch really had done his body well, turning his scrawny physique into a well-defined one.
Hermione still hadn't looked back at him. He smirked in the direction of the guys and said, "Hermione, do you think my stomach is tan at all? I mean, getting a tan here is so hard," he said bluntly as he let his leg brush Hermione's.
She quickly glanced in the direction of Harry's stomach and looked back at her notes disinterestedly, the redness in her cheeks completely gone. "No, but the button of your jeans isn't done up, just in case you didn't notice."
It was Harry's turn to blush as he hurriedly redid the button of his pants and Ron, Dean, and Seamus all laughed at him.
Harry picked up his jersey and headed up to his room. He needed a new strategy.
Harry was ready for try number two the next day. When he got back to the common room he left his jersey on this time and opted instead to try to seduce her as she helped him with his homework.
She agreed to help him, but rolled her eyes and told him that this was the last time (like she hadn't said that fifty times before).
As she corrected his essay on the Protean Charm, Harry scooted very close to her, so close that their sides were touching. Hermione's eyes stopped scanning the page for a second before she continued with renewed vigor. Harry just stared at her with what he thought was a sexy look and breathed heavily on her neck. Hermione stopped reading again about two minutes later, finally looking up at him. "Harry, your stare is creeping me out and your breath smells horrible. Can you…er…move away from me a tiny bit?"
Harry scooted away obediently, face red again.
Harry couldn't come up with anything on Wednesday and devoted his common room time that afternoon to coming up with a last ditch effort for Thursday. If he couldn't seduce her by Thursday night, he would confess to her on Friday. If he just shared a hot kiss with her he was sure Ron would be satisfied.
He had gone for full-on seduction assaults the past two days. Maybe it was time he tried to be subtle about it. So on Thursday he found every excuse to touch her, even 'accidentally' brushing his lips against her neck at one point. He asked her for help on his homework assignment again, but this time he focused on listening to what she was telling him and capitalizing on every opportunity to touch her. Ron was sitting on the couch next to him, continuously sniggering.
"Honestly, Harry," said Hermione. "What has gotten into you the past few days? You keep acting so weird around me! Did I do something?"
"What? No!" said Harry. "Of course not."
"Then what is it?" she asked him sternly. "Because something is definitely wrong with you."
Harry sighed. Hermione was in her no-nonsense mode. It looked like he would have to push up his confession to right now. "You want the truth?" He asked.
She nodded. "Okay," Harry said. "The truth is that I…um…I was trying to seduce you."
Both Ron and Hermione wore identical faces of shock. "You…what?" Hermione choked out.
"I'm not exactly great with girls," said Harry. "And I was trying to gauge whether or not you like me. The truth is…I love you, Hermione."
Harry flinched, expecting to be slapped in the face. But Hermione's eyes teared up and she smiled at him. "I love you too, Harry."
"Excellent," breathed Harry, moving in to kiss her. The bet existed nowhere in Harry's mind at the moment. Hermione loved him.
Just as their lips brushed, Ron frantically yelled, "Hold it!" at the couple.
"What?" snapped Hermione.
"Harry doesn't really love you," he said. Harry felt his heart stop—he knew what was coming next. "Harry only told you he loved because he was trying to get in your pants."
Hermione gasped. "Ronald Weasley! How dare you! Harry would never do anything like that! Harry really loves me." She looked over at him. "Right, Harry?"
"Right," he confirmed, trying desperately to communicate to Ron to stop.
"Oh, stop it, Harry," sneered Ron. "Just accept the fact that you've lost the bet."
Harry could've punched Ron in the face. "Bet?" asked Hermione. "What bet?"
"Harry and I made a bet that he could seduce you by the end of the week. He thinks that if you think he loves you then you'll have sex with him," said Ron.
Hermione looked at Harry, hurt and tears in her eyes. "Is it true, Harry? Did you really make a bet?"
Harry's heart ached to see Hermione like that. "Yes, but—"
Crack! Hermione's hand shot out and connected with Harry's face. She was already sobbing and she ran up the girls' staircase. Harry stared at the spot she had stood in shock.
"It's alright, mate," said Ron. "It was better than breaking her heart the next morning. It would've been ten times worse if you had done it with her first." He grinned at Harry. "Looks like you'll have to hug Snape."
"You think I give a fuck about having to hug Snape?" Harry hissed. "Do you realize what you've done? Why do you think I was so damn confident about this bet? That was the ace up my sleeve! I really am in love with her!"
Ron's grin was quickly replaced by a look of horror. "Oh shit, Harry. I-I didn't know. I'm sorry, mate."
Harry sat on the couch, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Don't bother, it's not your fault," he said miserably. "I shouldn't have made the stupid bet. I should've just told her how I felt. This was all totally wrong. She hates me now."
"Harry," said Ron. "You have to clear things up with her as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the worse your chances are of her believing you." Harry didn't budge. Ron sneered at him and coldly said, "Funny, I thought you did all of this to show you weren't a pussy. And now look at you, you won't even talk to her. Guess I was right." With that he walked away, crossing his fingers.
He felt Harry glare at his back, then looked back a second later to see him determinedly marching up the girls' stairs, using magic to make it so he could still go up the stairs even after they turned into a slide. Harry marched right up to Hermione's door and banged on it.
"Go away!" he heard Hermione yell from inside.
"Hermione, it's Harry," he replied.
The door opened two seconds later, a furious Hermione on the other side. Her hand shot toward his face again, but using his seeker reflexes he caught it before it could connect. "Let go of me, Harry!" Hermione demanded furiously.
"No," he said firmly.
"Leave me alone," she said, her voice breaking.
"Never," he said with emotion this time.
"I-I hate you," she said softly before sinking to her knees and crying again. "I-I h-h-hate you, H-Harry!" she cried.
"It wasn't about the bet," Harry told her softly, crouching in front of her. "I mean, yeah, it spurred me into action, but I've loved you for four years."
"You liar," she said, standing up as she furiously swiped at her tears. "I can't believe anything you have to say."
"It's the truth," Harry said desperately as he stood up again in front of her. "I love you, please believe me!"
"I wish I could, Harry," said Hermione. "But you—"
Harry didn't want to hear another damn word, so he grabbed her and pressed his lips against hers, trying to put all of his love for her into that one kiss. She frantically fought him at first, trying to push him away, but she eventually relaxed and her hands ended up just limply resting on his chest.
Harry ended the kiss when the need for oxygen became too great. He looked down at Hermione, who he had wrapped in a bear hug with his arms, and said, "I love you, Hermione. Please, please, please forgive me for being an idiot."
Hermione stared up at him, eyes glistening, lips trembling. Harry gazed back into her eyes unflinchingly. Hermione finally smiled, tears spilling over, and she wrapped her arms around his neck and said, "I love you too, Harry. Just never be such an idiot again."
"I can't guarantee that," said Harry. "All guys are idiots. I'll just have to make sure I properly make up for it afterwards."
Hermione laughed and kissed him again. "I guess you're right," she said. "But you'll have to make me a different promise."
"Anything," said Harry sincerely.
"Promise you'll always love me," she said.
"Now that is a promise I can make," he said before kissing her to seal it.
Ron didn't know why he had done it. He had felt guilty for what he had done on Thursday night and told Harry that he had won the bet. Which was why Ron found himself walking toward the entrance of the Great Hall towards Professor McGonagall, who had just walked in, during dinner.
He stopped in front of her and she asked, "Can I help you, Mr. Weasley?"
"Please forgive me," he said. "And…please don't expel me."
He grabbed his Professor's head and planted his lips on hers, trying to force her mouth open with his tongue. The entire hall watched in awe as Ron kissed Professor McGonagall, who was too shocked to move, for all he was worth.
Finally, Ron broke the kiss, wiping his mouth afterwards.
McGonagall looked livid, and Ron knew he was in for a world of hurt.
A/N: Well, that's the last time I attempt a different style than I usually write (and that doesn't mean no humor, it just means no weird writing style). Please don't flame me too bad in your review.
And once again, I know I could've made this a long fic, but I just wanted to post another one-shot and this story wouldn't leave my head. Don't expect another long fic until 'Give Me Another Chance' is finished. Until then, I will be putting up one-shots as I see fit.