Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, that honor goes to Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk, nor do I own any of the songs featured in this story, that goes to their writers, record companies, and artists.


"Is everyone ready?" Rachel shouted from behind the camera.

"Yeah," Jack Harmon declared.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Berry," Santana commented. "Let's just get this over with."

"Camera men?" Rachel's mood was chipper. She got the signals from Mike, Artie, and Tina. "Finn, be ready to take over when I have to go on."

"Gotcha," Finn said.

"And action!" she declared.

The cameras turned on and Jack and Santana appeared on the screen.

"Why, hello," Jack greeted, "I'm Jack Harmon of the McKinley High glee club."

"And I'm Santana Lopez," the Latina said.

"And we're here to talk to you about a very special event happening this weekend for many women." Jack flashed a coy smile. "Maybe even one you know."

He was cut off by Santana, "That's right. This Saturday is Ladies' Night at the Rusty…"

It was now Jack's turn to cut her off. "Actually, Dry Dock, I was talking about Mother's Day."

"What?" Santana griped. "Oh, damn it."

Jack ignored his cohort and looked back at the camera.

"You know, a lot of kids out there are probably wondering what to get their mom on this special day."

"Not me, she was dirty tramp."

"That explains a lot."

Santana shot Jack a vicious glare.

"Finding the right gift for your mom can sometimes be difficult," Santana explained.

"When giving a gift on Mother's Day, just remember that your mom is a unique and special person."

"Whore!" she said under her breath, ignoring the fact that Jack was giving her the biggest 'pot calling the kettle' looks ever.

"That could mean going the safe route might not be so safe," Jack said.

"Why whatever do you mean, Jack-Ass?" Santana asked without any real curiosity.

"Let's take a look at an example," Jack suggested, one of the cameras shifting to Sam and Puck on another spot of the school green. "Mohawk Jew and Joker Lips have politely volunteered to help us demonstrate by performing a little skit that I wrote."

"I don't wanna do this," Puck protested.

Sam scoffed at his friend's trepidation. "What're you complaining about? You got the easy part. I'm the one wearing pantyhose under my jeans because Jack believes in method acting."

"Don't you two make me come over there!" Jack commanded. "Now get to demonstrating."

Puck sighed, lifting up the flowers and began to speak in a monotone. "Mother, I love you because you violently squeezed me out of your womb. Here are some flowers I bought for you at a flower place. Happy official day for mothers."

"Worthless daughter," Sam said, his voice as equally unenthused by the material Jack had written. "How could you be so thoughtless? You know I am allergic to flowers. Also, you're adopted and I never loved you. I will send you to live in shame with a robot foster family."

The camera flashed pictures of Artie and Lauren before they returned focus on Jack and Santana.

"Wow, Nellie!" Jack exclaimed. "That didn't go very well at all."

Santana nodded. "Flowers may seem like the perfect gift because they're pretty and boring like most women, but that plan sure backfired."

"Now, let's take a look at what happens when you go to a little extra effort."

"Take it away, Hobbit and Brittany," Santana shouted.

The cameras turned to Brittany and Rachel.

"Hello, son," Rachel said, double-taking to make sure that she was reading the right script.

"Santana," Brittany said in a haze, warranting a few awkward stares from those around her. "I mean, Mother, because it is Mother's Day and I love you so, I made you a very ugly coffee mug in shop class today."

"Oh, thank you, son," Rachel said. "Where is it?"

"I left it in school," Brittany stated. "Also, it is broken."

"Thank you, my child." Rachel seemed even more lost than she was when she started. "You always think of the perfect to do for me."

"I spent my allowance of Yugi-Oh! trading cards and meat-flavored bubblegum."

"My-" Now, it's an unwritten rule in New Directions that, at least once a week, Brittany would say something in the presence of them that was so bizarre the best they could muster was a "W-T-Fuck!" face and walk away. Today, it was Rachel's turn to act on this rule.

The cameras switched back to Jack and Santana.

"And scene," Jack declared. "So, now you see how the personal touch is what really makes all the difference when selecting a Mother's Day gift."

"What? That last skit didn't even make any sense," Santana declared.

"Exactly," Jack said, the madness shining through his words.

"This is retarded. I'm leaving." And she did just that.

"Remember, kids," Jack said. "You only have one mother, unless you come from a progressive home like Rachel, so be good to her on Mother's Day."

He reached off-camera and pulled up a scroller.

"And, for those of you who are still confused on what to get your mother, here's a list of Jack-approved items you might want to consider."

Jack used the scroller which moved faster than anyone could really catch it, but some of the gift ideas included: Exotic Flightless Bird, Mutant Goblin, Rhinoplasty, Donkeyplasty, Nastyplasty, Wind Samples, and Sharks of all types.

Jack tossed down the device and smiled for the camera.

"Happy Mother's Day!"

The cameras switched to black, thought the voice recorder was still on:

"Thank God," Puck shouted. "Are you guys sure those things are off?"

"Yep," Artie said.

"Good," Puck said. "Cause I'm about to violate my parole and I don't want there to be evidence. Hey, Harmon."


The sounds of scuffling could be heard and the last thing the cameras voice recorder picked up was Finn saying:

"I didn't know you could fit a script there."


A/N: Another PSA written. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this one. And for all the moms on the site: Happy Mother's Day. Though I doubt that you'd be reading anything I write.

As always, feedback is something I love hearing. So, uh, press the magic button on bottom center of the page and leave your thoughts there.

Until next time, I want to wish you all a good morning, good afternoon, good night, and good luck.

Soulless Warlock