I Never Told You
Benjamin Hunt rubbed his hands over his face and drug them back through his long, dirty blonde hair. He shifted his weight in his desk chair and took several slow, deep cleansing breaths before reaching forward and picking up his quill. He held it perched over a bit of parchment with the words I Never Told You written on the top. He bit down hard on his bottom lip and closed his eyes, allowing himself to draw up the memories he needed for his work. You see, Benjamin was a song writer, a very in demand song writer. Up until now, he had avoided writing anything that touched him in a personal way, but his agent wanted him to create something with more...passion. He opened his eyes and put his quill to the parchment.
I miss those blue eyes
how you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
like there's no sunrise
like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breath
Benjamin would never forget the Saturday that he met Louis Weasley. It was the beginning of his seventh year at Hogwarts and he was heading through the corridors, on his way from the Great Hall to his dormitory. He had rounded the corner, his face pointed to the floor as it often was. A streak of light raced in front of him, making him jump back and narrowly avoid being hit by a tiny object which soon exploded into a shower of blue and purple all over his pathway.
"Hey! Watch out, that almost took my face off! Who the hell is shooting off fireworks in the halls?" Benjamin yelled, frantically searching the seemingly empty corridor with his eyes.
"I'm sorry!" A voice cried out, soon being followed by the appearance of a thin boy with spiked up golden blonde hair. "I'm so sorry," he repeated, rushing over to Benjamin. "I wasn't shooting it in the halls, I was aiming out the window and I slipped and it got away from me." He turned around and spotted the cartridge from the firework on the ground. Out of habit, he grabbed the object. Not even a second passed before the boy dropped the cartridge again and hissed loudly. "Dang it, it was still hot," he muttered at himself, looking down at his hand.
Benjamin could never tell you what came over him at this moment. Any other day he would have walked away without a second glance, perhaps even laughed at the boy for his flighty behavior. Maybe it was because he had eaten his favorite breakfast, maybe it was because he had gotten a letter from home, maybe it was because it was his birthday. Whatever the reason, he was in a good mood. He stepped up in front of the boy and looked down at his hand. "Are you alright?"
The boy looked up and straight into Benjamin's dark blue eyes. He gave a small smile and nodded. "Yeah, I think I'm okay. It's just a little red. I can't believe I grabbed it. I'm so used to them being cool by the time I get to them." He pulled out his wand and pointed it at the cartridge, vanishing it from sight.
Benjamin didn't hear a word the boy had said. He was frozen in place, staring into the other boy's light, icy blue eyes. When the wand came out, he took a step back and reached for his own, instinctively. He relaxed as he saw what was happening and looked at the floor, a bit embarrassed by his assumption. "You could put some murtlap essence on that. It'll help."
"Thanks. I will." The boy smiled brightly at Benjamin and tilted his head. "I'm Louis. Louis Weasley." He let out a quiet laugh when he spotted Benjamin's eyes dart straight to his blonde hair. "Yeah, I take after my mum."
Benjamin grinned and shoved his hands into his pockets, thinking that the boy did have rather feminine features to him. Soft lips, smooth cheeks and delicate eyes. "I'm Benjamin Hunt. So, you always shoot off fire works this early?"
Louis scoffed and started laughing. "It is never too early to shoot off fireworks." He smiled again and licked over his lips. "Wanna join me? I have plenty more."
"Um...sure," Benjamin said, hesitantly, following Louis into a small alcove with a window. He watched as Louis hopped up onto the window sill and reached out towards him. "Are you crazy? You could fall." He cast his gaze out of the window, shivering at being up on the third floor.
"If I fall, I fall. No point in living in a bubble." Louis patted the sill next to him and grinned, but Benjamin shook his head and stood firm beside the window. "Suit yourself. Here," he said, handing Benjamin a firework.
"No, no, no. It isn't safe to give me explosives. I'd probably blow my face off." Benjamin handed the firework back to Louis with a scared look on his face.
"Don't worry. I'll show you how. I'll make sure you don't blow your pretty face off since you seem so concerned about it." Louis gave Benjamin a sparkling smile and took back the firework. He made an elaborate show of holding out the firework and demonstrating how to hold and fire it. He lit the fuse and when the sparks reached the firework, he tossed the thing out of the window. Mere seconds after leaving the boy's hand, the firework exploded into a shower of red and gold over the grounds. "That's a Gryffindor one. You want a Slytherin?"
"I'd rather not risk it. Maybe some other time." Benjamin leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, sitting down. "How do you know I'm a Slytherin?" he asked, looking back up in confusion.
"Your shirt," Louis said with a smirk, dropping on to the floor beside Benjamin. He pointed to the Slytherin tee-shirt that the other boy was wearing and let out a quiet laugh when Benjamin looked down at himself.
"I forgot what I was wearing," Benjamin said, blushing lightly. He looked back up at Louis and hung his arms over his knees. "You knew I was Slytherin and your talking to me anyways? What will your fellow lions say about that?"
Louis tilted his head and shrugged. "Who cares what they say about it. I don't care what house you're in." He pulled a tiny bag, no bigger than his hand, from his pocket and reached deep inside of it, clear up to his elbow. "You sure you don't want one?" he asked, pulling out a cartridge with a snake on it. "It comes out really nice." He handed the firework over to Benjamin and grinned.
"Maybe I'll keep it for later," Benjamin whispered, taking the firework from Louis and shoving it into his pocket. "What year are you in, Louis Weasley?" he asked, putting emphasis on the 's' in both names.
"I'm a sixth. What about you? Seventh I'd bet."
Benjamin nodded and looked into the icy blue of Louis' eyes again, feeling himself growing lost. He noticed a faint blush rise to Louis' cheeks and turned his gaze away. "Sorry about that," he muttered, twisting his hands in front of him.
"Nothing to say sorry for," Louis said, shifting to sit against the wall next to Benjamin. "So, you're so concerned about what my housemates would say, what is gonna happen to you when your Slytherin friends come by and catch you talking to a Weasley?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.
"I don't...have...well, I don't have any friends." Benjamin rubbed his hand over his mouth and swallowed hard. He cut his eyes over towards Louis without lifting his head. "People don't really...well, I don't really care for people much and they prefer it that way."
"Oh. Well, if you don't care for people, then why are you sitting with me?" Louis asked, giving the other boy a cheeky grin. Before Benjamin had a chance to answer, Louis stood back up and tugged on the shoulder of Benjamin's shirt. "Wanna see a dragon, Benji?"
but I never told you
what I should have said
no, I never told you
I just held it in
It didn't take long for Benjamin and Louis to become close to each other. Louis didn't have much in the way of friends, other than his cousin Albus, who was in seventh year. He did, however, have a group of giggly girls that tended to follow him around and surround him at every meal. Louis would smile and tilt his head and lay on the charm that was so easy for him to come by. He would joke that he preferred to spend his time with his fireworks, they didn't follow him around when he was done with them. Benjamin always frowned at the joke, but never spoke out against it.
The boys would spend their free time hanging in Louis' favorite alcove, shooting off fireworks, or in one of their dormitory rooms. The glares they often received from their housemates, kept them from being comfortable in the common rooms. They would talk for hours about anything and everything. Benjamin found himself telling Louis things that he never thought he would have admitted. He spoke about his family, his likes and dislikes, confessed his desire to be a song writer, though he wasn't quite ready to share any of his work. He even felt comfortable enough to tell Louis that he had never had or girlfriend or been kissed.
Louis told Benjamin all about being one of the dozen Weasley grandchildren. He confessed his jealousy over his sisters and how much he hated being the only boy. He talked about his cousins and how he often felt lost amongst the chaos on holidays. He would occasionally say a few words about a girl he had spent time with, but he preferred to keep that to himself. He would never talk about his future, his dreams. Anytime Benjamin would ask what Louis wanted to be after school, his response would be, "I don't bother thinking about the future. I have enough to think about in the present."
Benjamin rolled his eyes at the boy sitting on the floor and stretched out on his bed, dropping one hand over the edge and laying it on Louis' shoulder. Louis reached up and laid his hand on top of the other boy's. This was normal.
Over the three months since they met, their interaction had grown from an occasional nudge or hand graze when passing objects between them. At first, it was a quick smile or a flick of the eyes. There were brushes of hands and knees bumping when sitting too close. They couldn't be sure when it turned into more. Neither boy questioned it when they started leaning against each other's shoulders to talk or hooking their feet together under the library tables. Nothing was said about the lingering glances or the sudden desires to lace their fingers together when they were alone in the hallways.
There was certainly nothing said when Louis began to avoid the group of over perky fan girls that usually hung on his every move. There were no more trips to the Quidditch dressing room with one, or on rare occasion two, of the less than pure girls. There were no more smiles and there was no more charming. He had even gone so far as to tell one of them she was a... well, it wasn't nice, but it kept her away from him. Benjamin said nothing on the sudden change of behavior and he did his best to ignore the overheard conversation during Potions. He made an effort to not eaves drop, but it was hard not to hear Albus Potter telling his Potions partner how odd Louis was acting.
"You better get going, Louis," Benjamin said, squeezing the boy's shoulder. "You don't wanna get busted in the halls after hours." He sat up on his bed and stretched his back.
Louis groaned and lifted himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. "I don't want to go back to my room. Corbin's been snoring. Can't I just stay here?" He asked, casting a hopeful glance back at Benjamin.
"Isn't that a little weird?" Benjamin asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Would it be weird for you?" Louis asked. When Benjamin shook his head, Louis smiled brightly and fell back onto the bed. He patted the bed next to him and rolled onto his side. "I don't need to change, I'm not even tired. Let's just stay up and talk," he said, passing his hand over the back of his hair. His face twisted and his eyes closed for a moment.
"Are you okay," Benjamin asked, laying out beside Louis and facing him. He touched the side of the boy's face and looked at him with concern.
"I'm fine," Louis answered, opening his eyes back and giving a weak smile. "I just got a little nauseous for a second. Too much orange juice at dinner, I guess." He licked his lips and rose up onto his elbow, looking back down at Benjamin. He pulled out his wand and waved it at the curtains, closing them around the bed. "There. Don't want your nosy sods of dorm mates listening in." He smiled brightly and stuffed his wand under Benjamin's pillow. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course, you can." Benjamin rolled onto his back and looked up into Louis' eyes.
"If I left and you didn't see me anymore, what would you remember about me?" Louis asked in a casual tone.
"What do you mean by left?" Benjamin asked, raising his eyebrows.
Louis shrugged and looked away. "I don't know. Don't be so analytical about it. Just answer me. I wanna know if I'm someone that you'll always remember."
"Yes. You are someone that I'll always remember. You're my best friend." Benjamin brushed his fingers over Louis' hand and took a deep breath. "That isn't an issue though. I don't plan on letting you out of my life." He poked the boy in the chest, playfully, and smirked.
"What would be your best memory?" Louis asked, falling down onto the pillow and threading his fingers into Benjamin's, letting their hands rest on the bed between them.
"I guess it would be the day we met. Who knew that almost being hit with an explosive would turn out to be the best day of my life?" Benjamin laughed quietly and relaxed against the bed. "I don't wanna talk about this anymore, it's depressing."
and now I miss everything about you
I can't believe that I still want you
after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
The sleepovers become a regular Friday and Saturday night occurrence, with the boy's alternating who's room they stayed in. They couldn't really be called sleepovers though, because they didn't sleep. They would sit up and talk, under cover of a silencing spell, all night. When they ran out of things to say to each other, they merely laid there, in silence, listening to each other breathe. Benjamin couldn't help but frown when Louis announced he would be leaving for the Christmas holiday.
It was New Year's Eve morning when Benjamin was sitting at the Slytherin table, poking at some scrambled eggs. He felt a set of hands close over his eyes and sat up straight, grabbing onto the hands. "Louis?" he asked, having no doubt that it was him. After all, who else would be as brave as to touch Benjamin that way.
Louis moved his hands and dropped onto the bench beside Benjamin, leaning his back against the table and crossing his legs, placing his ankle on his knee. "Happy to see me?" he asked, giving a smug smile. "Of course, you are," he continued, before Benjamin could answered. He snagged a slice of toast from the boy's plate and winked at him.
"What are you doing here?" Benjamin asked, his voice full of pleasant surprise.
"The whole family scene was bumming me out, so I asked if I could come back for New Years. Mum and dad said yes, so..." Louis held his hands out as a way of saying 'here I am' and gave a bright smile. "I saw my Uncle George at Christmas and he gave me the biggest firework. I want to use it tonight, you'll come out and watch, right?"
Benjamin nodded, happily, and shifted on the bench. He rushed through his breakfast and the two boys headed out of the Great Hall as Louis told Benjamin about his Christmas. They spent the rest of the day just hanging out around the Slytherin common room, seeing as most of the residents were away for Christmas. As darkness fell, the boys headed out onto the grounds and next to the lake, where Louis set up his new firework that George had given him.
"This is going to be awesome!" Louis cried out as he and Benjamin stepped away from the firework. He aimed his wand at the fuse and a bolt of light shot across, causing the fuse to burst into sparks. He let out an excited squeal and bounced in place, then wrapped his arms around Benjamin's waist and pulled him against him.
Benjamin stared down at Louis' face, causing him to not even see the amazing firework that sent Louis into an excited laugh and made him jump, clapping his hands, excitedly. He closed his eyes and let out a sharp breath, pulling away from Louis. He ran his hands back through his hair and started towards the school.
"Where are you going?" Louis asked, racing up behind Benjamin and grabbing his arm. "You don't wanna see any more?"
"No. I just wanna go to bed. I'm not feeling so well." Benjamin pressed his lips together and turned again.
Louis laced his fingers into Benjamin's and walked silently beside him as they headed to the Slytherin common room. Just before they reached the door, Louis pulled Benjamin to a stop and made him turn to face him. "I want a different memory."
"What?" Benjamin asked, raising one eyebrow in confusion.
Louis swallowed hard and pulled Benjamin closer to him. "You said one time that your favorite memory of me would be meeting me. I want you to have a better memory of me." He licked his lips and locked his eyes onto Benjamin's, then took a deep breath. "I want to be your first kiss," he whispered.
Benjamin's breath hitched in his throat and he let out a ragged breath. "Y-you do?" he choked out, biting down on his bottom lip. He licked over his lips, almost unconsciously, and widened his eyes.
Louis lifted one hand and brushed it back through Benjamin's hair, pushing it away from his face. He slid his hand back and rested it behind the boy's neck, then hooked his other arm around Benjamin's waist. He raised up on his toes and parted his lips, pressing them gently against the older boy's. Their lips lingered together for a moment before Louis began to pull away. Benjamin put his arms around Louis' waist, holding him against his body and refusing to break the kiss. He pushed his lips down harder and Louis ran his tongue over his bottom lip.
Benjamin parted his lips and allowed the boy entrance to his mouth, giving a small whimper against his lips. They tightened their hold around each other and deepened the kiss, quickly becoming desperate for air. Benjamin pulled away just enough to allow them both to breathe, but left their lips touching. Louis smiled up at Benjamin and pushed both of his hands through the boy's hair, staring into his eyes again. He licked over his lips and smirked.
"Good night," Louis whispered.
Benjamin dropped his jaw and poked Louis in the chest. "Good night? You can't just kiss me like that and leave." He grabbed onto Louis' hands and held them tightly in his own. "Stay with me tonight, just like on the weekends." He pulled Louis towards the entrance, leaving him no option to argue, which Louis had no intention to do.
They laid down in the bed and stretched out as they always did, holding hands. They talked into the night, not caring about the time. As dawn approached they both found themselves drifting off to sleep. Benjamin had been asleep for about half an hour before he felt the bed move and opened his eyes to see Louis sitting on the edge, leaning forward.
"You alright?" Benjamin asked, rubbing his hand over Louis' shoulder.
Louis nodded and turned around with a clearly fake smile on his face. "I'm fine. I'm gonna go change and I'll meet you at breakfast." He was up and out of the room before Benjamin could say a word in protest.
Louis did not, in fact, meet Benjamin at breakfast. He did not meet him after breakfast or at lunch. It wasn't until after dinner that Benjamin saw him again, sitting in his favorite window alcove. Louis was staring out of the window, his head leaned back against the frame. His hands were clutched in front of him and his face was pained. Benjamin stepped up beside him and sat down quietly, waiting for Louis to speak first.
Half an hour passed before Louis turned to Benjamin and slipped his hand behind his neck, pulling him into a soft kiss. When he pulled his lips away, he brushed back Benjamin's hair and smiled at him. "Sorry."
"It's alright." Benjamin smiled back at Louis, not even sure what he was apologizing for. He assumed it was for disappearing through the whole day, but a feeling in his gut wondered if the apology was a bit more weighted than that. He didn't ask why Louis had taken off, or why he didn't show up for breakfast. He didn't ask where the boy had been all day or why he looked upset moments before the kiss. He didn't ask because he was scared of the answer. If he had asked, Louis wouldn't have given him one.
I see your blue eyes
every time I close mine
you make it hard to see
where I belong to
when I'm not around you
it's like I'm not with me
Time passed slowly for Benjamin and Louis. Their days were filled with classes and study time in the library, especially for Benjamin, who was preparing for his N.E.W.T.s. They made every effort to spend time together. They studied together and continued their weekend sleepovers. Some nights they allowed their desires to take over and spent time wrapped in each other's arms, kissing passionately. Despite his experience, Louis never once pushed for anything further. Most nights, however, they kept themselves under control, being satisfied with holding hands and talking.
A few weeks before Easter break, the weather was nice enough to draw many of the students out onto the lawn. Benjamin and Louis were sitting out beside the Black Lake, leaning against each other. Louis was deeply engrossed in telling Benjamin about his mother's experience with the lake when Albus dropped down onto the ground in front of them. The boy was silent as Louis finished his story and laid over, putting his head onto Benjamin's leg.
Albus frowned and cut his eyes away as Benjamin smiled down at Louis and passed his fingers through his hair. Albus opened his mouth to speak but clearly changed his mind and snapped his mouth back closed. Louis smiled up at Benjamin with an almost dream like glint in his eyes. He sighed and sat up, rubbing his hands over his face.
"I'll be back in a few minutes," Louis mumbled, cutting his eyes to his cousin for a moment. He stood up and slowly headed towards the castle, leaving Benjamin and Albus to sit and look at each with awkward silence.
"So...you two are like...a couple or something?" Albus asked, chewing on his bottom lip, keeping his eyes on the ground in front of him.
Benjamin shrugged and picked at a few blades of grass beside him. "We don't really use labels. It's complicated, we aren't together the way that you mean. I guess we're just... It's complicated," he sighed out, tearing the blades of grass into shreds and dropping them beside his leg.
"It's a bad idea," Albus said, almost hesitantly. When Benjamin looked at him with anger, Albus held out his hand and shook his head. "I don't mean it like that. I just mean that... well Louis isn't exactly a stable relationship kind of guy."
"I know what kind of guy Louis is. I don't need your advice," Benjamin sneered at Albus.
Albus sighed and cast his eyes back towards the door of the castle, nervously. "Look, I'm just trying to protect my family and I don't appreciate the attitude about it." He narrowed his eyes at Benjamin and sighed.
"Protect your family? By getting rid of me?" Benjamin raised his eyebrows and scowled.
Albus shook his head and clambered to his knees in front of Benjamin. "You're misunderstanding me, Hunt. I'm not saying that you are a thr-"
"Save it." Benjamin held his hand up and got onto his feet, dusting off the back of his jeans. "Just save it. I don't wanna hear your crap." He turned around and took a few steps towards the school, being caught off guard by Albus rushing in front of him.
"Where are you going? To find Louis? Gonna be kinda hard to do that when you don't know where he is." Albus gave Benjamin a knowing look and folded his arms over his chest. "Does Louis run off a lot? Not tell you where he's going?"
Benjamin tightened his jaw and twisted his hands in his pockets. "You listen to me, Potter, and you listen good. There is nothing you can say to me that is going to get me out of the picture." He turned away from Albus and was in the castle before the boy could say another word.
Easter holiday came quickly, leaving Benjamin to spend a week without Louis. Even after Louis returned to school, he didn't see him for another week and a half. Every time Benjamin would attempt to find the boy, he got the same story. "I haven't seen him all day." He would wait by the Gryffindor common room entrance, but Louis never seemed to pass by him. It was a Thursday when he saw Louis again. He was nearing the Slytherin common room entrance when he spotted the boy leaning against the wall, staring at him with a bright smile.
Benjamin didn't ask. He just pulled Louis into his arms and kissed him.
but I never told you
what I should have said
no, I never told you
I just held it in
Benjamin's parents had quite the surprise for him when he came home from school at summer. "No boy fresh out of school wants to live with his parents," they said to him one bright Tuesday morning before leading him to a large apartment in London. "It's all yours. Enjoy it, son." The apartment was beautiful. It had high ceilings and a large bathroom. The kitchen was top of the line, but Benjamin wouldn't find any use in that, so he didn't much care. The bedroom was roomy and already furnished with a brand new four poster bed, similar to the ones he had at school, only larger.
The first thing Benjamin did was invite Louis to stay over for the night. Louis was gobsmacked at the sight of the apartment. He walked around, wide eyed and grinning, for a good half hour before finally speaking.
"This place is amazing," Louis whispered, wrapping his arms around Benjamin's waist. "You are one lucky guy, Benji." He cast another glance around the bedroom before looking up at Benjamin with a smile.
"Yeah, I am," Benjamin agreed, staring down at Louis with a cheeky grin. He brushed his hand over the boy's cheek and brought his lips down against his in a soft, adoring kiss.
Louis pulled out of the kiss and rushed over to the bed, climbing onto it with a child-like enthusiasm. "This thing is huge, a lot more room than we had at school." He smiled and patted the spot on the bed next to him.
"Yeah, well I'm sure if my parents had any idea who I would be bringing into the bed, they would have opted for a smaller one," Benjamin said as he climbed up beside Louis and put his arm around the boy's waist. "Actually, I'm pretty sure there wouldn't be any apartment if they knew about you." He rolled his eyes and laid back onto the bed, pulling Louis to lay beside him.
"There's nothing to know about me," Louis said, smirking as he settled onto the bed next to Benjamin. "I'm just your best friend." He smiled and moved forward, pressing his lips against Benjamin's in a slow kiss.
As their lips parted, Benjamin raised his hand and laid it on Louis' cheek, brushing his fingers along the underside of the boy's eye. "You haven't been sleeping well," he said, distantly.
Louis laid his hand over Benjamin's and tangled their fingers together. He moved the boy's hand off of his cheek and brought it down to his lips, pressing his lips firmly against Benjamin's exposed palm. He kissed each of the boy's fingers in a loving manner before placing another kiss on Benjamin's palm and closing his eyes. He held the older boy's hand tightly and placed several feverish kisses over his wrist and halfway down his lower arm. With his eyes still closed, he released Benjamin's hand and put both of his hands on the sides of the boys face.
Benjamin wrapped his arms around Louis' waist as the boy covered his mouth in a heated, frantic kiss. One of Louis' legs hooked over one of Benjamin's legs, holding him in place. Benjamin whimpered quietly into their kiss as Louis pushed one of his hands over the boy's chest and down onto his hips, hooking his fingers into his belt loop. With a small shift, Louis pressed against Benjamin and moved his lips from his, trailing them down his cheek and onto his neck. Benjamin lifted his hips and drug his fingers roughly down Louis' back. Louis gasped against Benjamin's neck and pulled away, quickly, moving all the way across the bed.
"I'm so sorry, Benji," Louis said, frowning at himself and turning away from Benjamin's sight.
"Sorry for what?" Benjamin asked, shocked at the sudden turn. He got onto his knees and crawled up behind Louis, wrapping his arms around the younger boy's chest. "Louis, you didn't do anything wrong." He pressed his lips gently against the side of Louis' neck and squeezed him. "I want to," he whispered.
Louis opened his eyes wide and turned in Benjamin's arms, shaking his head. "We can't. We shouldn't." He rubbed at his eyes and licked over his lips, then cast his gaze back at Benjamin, who was looking hurt and put out.
"You don't want to...be with me?" Benjamin asked, confusion lacing his voice.
"Of course, I want to be with you!" Louis cried out, gaping at Benjamin. "I said that we shouldn't, not that I didn't want to."
Benjamin grabbed onto Louis' hand and stared into his eyes. "Why shouldn't we? You want to. I want to. I don't see anything stopping us." He trailed his free hand down Louis' chest and followed it with his eyes. "Louis, I -"
Benjamin's words were cut off by Louis' lips crashing into his with enough force that it knocked him back against the bed. Louis shifted to lay on top of Benjamin and pressed his hands over the boy's chest, lifting his shirt to expose his skin. His fingers teased their way over Benjamin's stomach and he lifted up enough to sweep the older boy's shirt from his body and toss it to the floor. He brought his lips back down, this time leaving a lingering path of kisses across Benjamin's collarbone and up his neck.
Benjamin released a shaky breath and lifted the hems of Louis' shirt, pulling from him and letting it drop, carelessly, onto the bed next to them. He drug his fingers down the younger boy's back and pushed his head back against the bed, closing his eyes. Louis grazed his teeth over Benjamin's earlobe and kissed him below it. He pushed his hips down, sharply against Benjamin's and the older boy answered by lifting his hips and whispering Louis' name.
Louis discreetly rubbed his face against the blanket underneath them, ridding his eyes of the tears that were collecting. He swallowed back a sob and moved his mouth over Benjamin's, kissing him with a slow passion. He ran his fingertips over the top of Benjamin's pants line and popped the button free on them, then slowly slid down his zipper. When Benjamin's hands found the front of Louis' pants, Louis pulled away again, wiping desperately at his eyes with shaking hands. He shook his head and scrambled to the edge of the bed, putting his feet to the floor.
"Louis, why are you crying?" Benjamin asked, his tone panicked, as he rushed to Louis' side. "You're really confusing me right now."
Louis pressed his palms to his eyes and licked his lips. "I know I am, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be confusing. I really don't. I just can't do this." He looked up into Benjamin's eyes and let the tears streak down his face.
"I don't understand, you've done this lots of times," Benjamin said, pushing his hands over Louis' cheeks and removing some of the wet. "I thought you wanted me."
Louis nodded and moved his fingers through Benjamin's hair. "I've done this plenty." He shook his head and sniffled. "I've done it with pathetic girls that I couldn't care less about. Ones that will forget me no sooner than I'm out of their sight. It's different with you. I care about you." He sniffled again and turned on the bed, bringing his knees to his bare chest. "You should wait. Your first time should be with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with." He covered his face with his hands and sobbed loudly into them.
Benjamin rubbed his hand over Louis' back and forced him to look up at him. "What makes you think that isn't you? Is this about what I said with my parents? I don't care about that. They can cut me off, they can disown me, I don't care." He rubbed his hands over the younger boy's face again, trying to dry his cheeks. "Louis, you are the person that I want to sp-"
Louis leaned forward and pulled Benjamin into a gentle kiss, silencing him. He gave a weak, but sincere smile, as he pulled away. "Can we just lay down and talk? That's what I really need right now. I just wanna lay down and hold your hand and listen to you talk."
Benjamin nodded and handed Louis his shirt before grabbing his own from the floor. He pulled Louis to lay down beside him and they linked their hands together between them on the bed. Louis breathed steadily for a while, staring into Benjamin's eyes, before speaking. "Tell me about the song you're working on."
Benjamin smiled and squeezed Louis' hand. "Well, it's about a boy who feels trapped in his life because his parents are..."
and now I miss everything about you
I can't believe that I still want you
after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Benjamin stood nervously in front of the door to Louis' house. After rechecking the address, twice, and taking several deep breaths, he raised his hand and knocked. The sound of shuffling could be heard through the door and after a few whispered words, that Benjamin couldn't make out, the door opened to reveal a smiling, thin girl with waist length red hair.
"Are you Benjamin? I'm Dominique," she said, stepping back to allow Benjamin to step inside of the house and closing the door behind him.
Benjamin nodded and smiled warmly at Dominique. "It's nice to meet you," he said, politely. After a moment of lingering, awkward silence, he turned towards the rest of the house and gave a nervous laugh. "Is Louis here?"
"Oh, yeah," Dominique said, laughing at herself. "Louis!" she called out, loudly, motioning for Benjamin to follow her into the living room.
"Dominique Weasley," a female voice hissed from behind them. A lovely woman, who was clearly Fleur, stepped into the room, drying her hands on a dish towel. "What have I told you about yelling at your brother?" She cast a warning glare at her daughter and then turned to Benjamin with a smile. "You must be Benjamin. We've heard... well, we haven't heard much about you, but what we have heard has been just lovely." She smiled brightly at Benjamin and he instantly saw Louis' smile on her face.
Benjamin couldn't help but smile back, Louis saying he took after his mum had been an understatement. The two were so similar it was almost odd to look at the woman. He dropped his eyes and looked back at Dominique, who was now frowning on the couch, muttering under her breath. "So, Louis would be..." he asked, trailing off.
"Right behind you," Louis said with a smirk as he walked up behind Benjamin and poked him in the side. "Hope your hungry, mum went a little overboard with making lunch. We don't have guests often." When Dominique scoffed from the couch, Louis corrected himself. "Non-related guests I mean."
Benjamin turned around, the smile on his face faltering slightly. Louis' normally vibrant face was dull and fallen. He looked like he hadn't slept right in days and even his hair was a bit lifeless. When Louis smiled, his eyes resumed some of their usual sparkle and Benjamin smiled back. "I'm hungry enough," he answered.
Louis hadn't been kidding about his mother going overboard. When the two boys, followed by Dominique, were ushered into the kitchen, they were greeted with a tray of sandwiches at least a foot high. There were several bowls of assorted chips and pretzels laid out next to the sandwiches. Benjamin laughed quietly at the display, looking around to see if it was just the four of them. Louis brushed his hand against Benjamin's and got his attention, shooting him a quick wink when the older boy looked his way.
Benjamin felt himself blush slightly and hung his head as the small group took seats around the end of the table. Everyone silently filled their plates as Fleur filled glasses of orange juice for each of them. They ate slowly, and mostly in silence, with the occasional question shot Benjamin's way by Fleur or Dominique. Louis drained his glass and his mother jumped up, quick to refill it.
"So, Benjamin, how did you meet my son?" Fleur asked as she sat the glass back in front of Louis.
"He almost hit me with a f-"
"Book!" Louis yelled, coughing slightly on his bite of sandwich. "I almost hit him with a book. We were in the library and I was getting one down and it almost hit him." He coughed into his napkin and frowned at his mother who reached over to rub his back.
"Here, take a drink," Fleur said, pushing the glass towards Louis.
Louis did as he was told and cast an apologetic look over at Benjamin, who was watching a scowling Dominique, who had her eyes fixed on her mother, who was staring at Louis as though he were going to choke to death on a bite of sandwich. As Louis finished off his juice once more, Fleur jumped up again.
"No, mum, I don't want anymore," Louis said, grabbing Fleur's wrist to stop her.
Fleur looked down at her son with a stern face. "Nonsense. You should have another glass." She pulled away from Louis and grabbed his glass.
"Mum, he said he didn't want anymore," Dominique said, staring up at her mother.
"I'm the mother here, Dominique, you can raise your children any way you please when you have them, I will raise mine my way." Fleur didn't even look back at her daughter.
Dominique shook her head and stood up. "Mum, he shouldn't have to drink the stu-"
"Dom," Louis called out, silencing his sister. "It's alright. I'll drink the juice, just sit down. We have company." He cut his eyes over at Benjamin and took the glass from his mother, draining half of it before putting it on the table.
Dominique slowly lowered herself back into her seat and sighed heavily. She looked over at her mother as she was sitting back down and frowned. "Vous êtes le rendre malheu-"
"Benji speaks French!" Louis shot up from his seat and cast an annoyed glance at his sister. He moved away from the table, and grabbed his glass, quickly finishing off the juice. "We're done anyway. Come on," he said, tugging on Benjamin's sleeve and rushing out of the kitchen.
Benjamin followed Louis through the house and into the boy's bedroom. He let his eyes roam around the room and was slightly confused by the absence of color. He had seen Louis' dormitory on many occasions and his area was covered in colorful Quidditch posters and bright blankets. This room, however, was devoid of decoration. The walls were bare, the bedding was beige and the furniture was even in a dull, light brown.
"I'm not allowed to have fireworks," Louis said taking Benjamin's hand into his own and pulling him down onto the small bed. "It never occurred to me to mention that. I didn't mean to interrupt you."
"I figured that was the case, seeing the panic on your face." Benjamin smiled at Louis and moved his eyes around the room again, frowning. "Is this your bedroom?" he asked, scooting back on the bed to lean against the wall.
"Yeah," Louis answered with a laugh. "Why would you ask that?" He moved to sit beside Benjamin and leaned against his shoulder.
"It isn't you. This room looks so..." Benjamin shook his head, not being able to find the word that would truly describe the room.
Louis nodded and wrapped his arms around Benjamin's arm. "Yeah, my mum says having a colorful room is too much stimulation."
Benjamin let out a quiet laugh and brushed his fingertips over Louis' hand. "Your mum is a little intense. She coddles you a lot."
"Yeah, well I am the baby," Louis said, dismissively. He shifted against Benjamin and looked up into his eyes. "I changed my mind about having sex." He bit down on his bottom lips and grinned when Benjamin raised his eyebrows. "I've thought about it over the last week and I think we should. I want to. Not here or now, obviously, but...tomorrow, maybe?"
Benjamin smiled down at Louis and pulled his arm away, turning to face him full on. "Any time is great with me," he said, leaning forward and giving Louis a soft kiss.
Louis lifted his hand and pushed it through Benjamin's hair, moving his lips slowly against Benjamin's. The sound of his bedroom door opening made Louis leap back and stare at the door with horror in his eyes. Dominique stepped into the room, her own face in shock, and closed the door behind her. She darted her eyes between her brother and Benjamin several times before swallowing and resuming her breathing.
"I came to apologize," Dominique said, very slowly, her eyes still showing a stunned expression. She smoothed out the front of her shirt and tried to arrange her face in a more dignified manner. "You're very lucky that it was me opening that door and not mum." She nodded at Louis and sighed. "You shouldn't do that in the house, she would...well, you remember that time she caught Vic in her room with Teddy and that wasn't even..." She shook her head and took a deep breath. "I'll talk to you more later," she whispered and bolted from the room.
Louis led Benjamin to the door a few hours later and smiled up at him. "I'll see you tomorrow. I'll come over in the morning."
Louis didn't show up the next morning. He didn't come at all that day. The next few days came and went without a visit or so much as a call from Louis. Benjamin tried several times to call Louis at home, but there was never an answer. He would sit on his couch and watch his phone, wondering what he had done, what he had said, that was keeping Louis from coming. He couldn't work on his music, he was too distracted by the not knowing. A call, an owl, anything would have been better than the not knowing. Even if the letter said 'goodbye' it would be better than not knowing. Three weeks passed before there was a knock on Benjamin's door.
but I never told you
what I should have said
no, I never told you
I just held it in
Benjamin was sitting at his kitchen counter with a cup of tea held between his hands. He hadn't taken a single sip of it and it had grown cold quite some time before. He stared ahead of him, not focusing on anything in particular, just staring. The knock on the door made him flinch and knock his hand against the cup, spilling it over the counter. He swore under his breath and climbed off of his stool, waving his wand mindlessly at the mess, vanishing it. He pulled open the door with shaking hands and widened his eyes at the person on the other side.
"Dominique? What are you doing here?" Benjamin asked, stepping back to let the girl walk into the apartment. He cut his eyes over her, growing slightly concerned. Her hair was pulled into a messy braid and her eyes were scarlet red with deep purple under each one. She looked as though she hadn't slept in weeks and her cheeks and nose were red and raw, giving her the appearance of having been in the cold for a long time.
Dominique took a few frantic breaths and looked at the floor. "I didn't want to come, but I promised," she squeaked out, wiping the back of her hand across her nose. She looked up at Benjamin with fresh tears in her eyes. "We have to talk."
Benjamin closed the door behind Dominique and led her into the living room. He made her sit down on the couch and took a seat across from her on the coffee table. "Dominique, what is going on here? Where is Louis?"
At her brother's name, Dominique clutched at her stomach and doubled over, letting out a shaking sob. "He's gone," she whispered.
Benjamin sat in silence for a moment before grabbing Dominique by her shoulders and forcing her to sit upright and look at him. "What do you mean by gone?" he asked, staring into her eyes and silently begging her not to say-
"He's dead." Dominique pressed her lips tightly together and watched Benjamin with concern. "It happened late last night. I promised him I would come and talk to you when it..." She shook her head, unable to get out anymore words.
Benjamin felt as though he were frozen. His body, his mind, his mouth, none of these things would function. He just sat there, staring ahead of him, not focusing on the crying girl on his couch, who's shoulders he was still clutching. Minutes went by before Benjamin dropped his hands and looked into Dominique's face once more. "How?" was all he could whisper.
Through her tears and shaky words, Dominique explained that when Louis was four, he began complaining of headaches. After several trips to Healers and muggle doctors, both, it was finally revealed that there was a tumor in the back of the boy's brain. "Inoperable," the muggle doctors would say. "There are no spells to fix this," came the word of the Healers. The muggles had given him until his tenth birthday, the Healers promised to extend that with potions. They offered up that he could live normally until about the age of sixteen. They had been right, Louis Weasley had passed just one day before his seventeenth birthday. He hadn't shown up when promised because the night Benjamin had visited, Louis had taken a turn for the worst and was forced to stay at St. Mungos.
Benjamin stood up and drug his hands roughly through his hair, pulling hard at it. He shook his head, as though simply refusing to believe the news would make it untrue. He choked on his own breath and gripped the front of his shirt, feeling a sickening knot start to form in the pit of his stomach. He struggled for breath and put his hands out on the kitchen counter, leaning against it and hanging his head.
Dominique stepped up beside the boy and gently laid an envelope on the counter. "I promised," she whispered. "I'll call you about the details for the..." She couldn't say the word funeral, she refused to say the word funeral. She took a deep breath and showed herself out of the apartment.
Benjamin slapped his hand over the envelope and slid it over in front of him. He looked down and watched as wet drops began to speckle the front, which bore the word Benji. He choked out a cough and dropped into the floor, leaning his back against the counter, clutching the envelope tightly in his hands. He didn't bother trying to wipe his eyes or cheeks from the tears that were streaming out. He felt his entire body shivering and his stomach kept twisting to the point that he had to get to his feet and rush into the bathroom. Twice.
He laid out flat on his bed, smoothed his hand over the place where Louis had slept and squeezed the envelope as he pictured squeezing Louis' hand in his own. He buried his face into his pillow and screamed into it, dragging his fingertip roughly across the comforter. His breathing was shallow as he tore open the envelope and pulled free a bit of parchment. The letter had the appearance of being done in a muggle pen and even though it was clearly Louis' handwriting, it was different still. It looked as though when writing it, Louis' hands had been shaking just as bad as Benjamin's were now.
and now I miss everything about you
I can't believe that I still want you
after all the things we've been through
How do I even begin a letter like this? I suppose the first thing I should say is I'm Sorry. If you're mad, then that's okay. You have every right to be mad at me right now. I should have told you that I was sick. I should have told you. I wanted to tell you so many times, but I was scared. I was scared that you would walk away. Looking back, I should have told you that day we met, let you make the choice of whether you wanted to invest time in someone that wouldn't be around much longer. I didn't tell you because I was selfish. I wanted you. I wanted to keep you.
I've know what was coming my entire life and I let it keep me secluded. I kept my distance from people, refusing to make friends for fear that they would be hurt when I go. I relied on the cheap, flighty company of girls or the conversation of my family to keep me sane. I didn't want to be a sad part of anyone's life. Then I met you. I was going to turn away, forget you and move on as though our brief, random encounter meant nothing. I could have too, had I not met your eyes in that moment.
Something about you made me stay. There was something in your eyes that I couldn't walk away from. Something in your smile that made it impossible to turn my back. Every day, I would tell myself that I shouldn't allow us to get so close. I fought with my own mind time and time again because, despite the logic in me screaming to stay away from you, I couldn't let you go. The times I would disappear at school for a while, it was because I couldn't bear for you to see me in a sickly state. I didn't want to tell you. I was selfish.
I've been in this stupid hospital bed for a little over two weeks now and the Healers say that I won't be going home this time. Every bit of my heart and soul wants to see you right now. I want to hold your hand and stare into your eyes and sweep my fingers through your hair one last time. To feel your lips on mine, just once more, would take away the pain that is in my heart. I won't call for you, though. I won't let you have the memory of seeing me like this. For once, I won't be selfish. I want your memories of me to be the good ones.
You said that I'll always be someone you remember and I want you to remember me well. Remember that day that I almost hit you with an explosive. Remember the way that we would tap our feet together while we studied in the library. Remember the way that we could lie in bed and not say a word for hours, just smiling at each other. I want you to remember the kiss. You can think about all of them if you want, but don't you dare forget that first one. When our lips touched that night, I felt as though my heart was going to shatter into a million tiny bits. That was when I knew. That was the moment that I said to myself "I love him".
I have watched my parents for years, the way they look at each other, the ways they say their love and the ways they show it. I never thought that I would feel that. I never knew it was possible to feel the things that you make me feel. I wanted to scream it right then and there. I wanted to tell you every minute since, but I couldn't do it. I was scared. I was scared that you would say it back. I have always accepted the fact that I was going to lead a short life, but if you had looked me the eyes and said those words, I would have broken. How could I accept dying if there was someone like you to love me? So now you know. I love you. I LOVE YOU.
There is one last thing. You are probably wondering why I would send Dominique to deliver this. Wondering why I would make her promise. She is the best sister and friend anyone could hope for. She has been there for me so many times. She sneaks me fireworks and helps me drink off the juice when mum isn't looking. She has helped me live like I should. She means the world to me and she is going to need someone to lean on soon. She just found out that she's pregnant and the dad is a total prat. She needs a friend. You need a friend too. I don't want you to go back to being alone the way you were before me. She is a good girl, once you get past that layer of vanity. You need each other. Please, just give it a shot at being her friend. Consider it my dying wish.
I might be gone, but I'll always be in your heart. I love you, Benji. I love you.
I miss everything about you
Benjamin sat down his quill and leaned back against his chair, putting his arms behind his head. He sniffled hard and brought one hand down to drag across his nose. He closed his eyes and allowed the tears to streak down his face and drip onto his shirt. The sound of a knock on the door made him jump up and wipe his face with his shirt hem. "Pull it together," he whispered as he made his way through his new apartment and pulled open the door. He smiled and stepped back as two male children came rushing into the room, one ten and one four.
"Uncle Benji!" the four year old yelled, jumping up and down holding his arms up.
Benjamin picked the child up into his arms and hugged him tightly. "Hey, Jean Luc," he said, squeezing the child playfully. "My goodness, you're getting huge."
"Can we get some graham crackers, Uncle Benji?" the older child asked, giving a hopeful grin.
"Of course," Benjamin answered, placing Jean Luc back onto the ground and watching as the two dashed into the kitchen. He looked up to the red-headed woman in his doorway and smiled warmly.
"We really appreciate this," Dominique said, tossing her hair back over her shoulder. "Scott and I haven't had a night out to ourselves in a long time." She pulled Benjamin into a hug and kissed him on the cheek. "You sure about this? They are getting to be a handful."
"Dominique, I can handle the boys. I adore those kids, you know that. We'll be fine." Benjamin laughed quietly and waved to the man standing behind Dominique as she took two backpacks from him and sat them on the floor next to the doorway. "Hey, Scott," he said, grinning at him. When the man waved back, he turned his attention towards his kitchen. "Boys, are you gonna come tell your mum bye before she leaves?"
The two boys rushed into the room and wrapped their arms around Dominique. "I love you boys. You two behave for Uncle Benji, you hear me?" When the boys nodded innocently, she smiled and pulled them both into tighter hugs. "I love you, Jean Luc. I love you, Louis."