"When thought I'd killed the Captain, I lost all interest in T'Pring. The madness was gone."
They were simple words, something The Doctor could understand. The simple truth was always the logical response for the ship's medical officer. I wasn't about to explain to him that when the cloud of hormones passed and realized what I had done, I'd begun to think of ways to follow my captain into the abyss.
My surprise at Jim's presence in the medical bay made it impossible to hide the joy which exploded in my heart at the sight of him. Thinking that I had killed the one true love of my life over a biological compulsion had been devastating, and I had been prepared to surrender my career, my future, everything, when I thought he was gone. My life was forfeit without him in it. I'd quickly tamped down my emotional reaction to seeing him, given our professional capacity, but I could not hold back my body's reaction to him. While the Doctor's comments about my enthusiasm were unnecessary, I was relieved that he noticed my smile, and not the other physiological manifestations I had been demonstrating.
Walking out of medical bay, I stopped Jim with a hand on his shoulder. "Captain, May I have a word with you in your chambers?"
I saw his eyes flash a spark of recognition. He did not answer, but instead tapped the communicator on his chest, hailing Checkov on the bridge. His eyes never left mine as he spoke. " Mr. Checkhov. I'm still feeling a bit off. Please hold our due course. I'm going to retire to my chambers."
He turned without a word, beckoning me with two fingers to follow him down the crowded pathway. The sight of his hand had my blood pulsing in my ears. I followed him into his chambers, and waited for him to engage the locking mechanism with a command before I crashed my mouth to his.
"I'm sorry," I whispered again and again against his lips, his neck, his chest. I felt the thin fabric of his uniform shirt tearing beneath my hands as I grasped it, desperate to get closer to him, needing to feel his skin against me. I painted my penance against his chest with my tongue.
I could taste the neuroparalyzer on his skin, seeping from his pores. It was a sharp, minty tang which distorted the flavor of his skin and caused my tongue to tingle as I laved his nipples, and pinned his body against the wall with my own.
Jim tried to reassure me, whispering "ssshh" in between gasps of pleasure as I pushed my pelvis into his. I was not ready for his understanding, could not revel in his acceptance until I reassured myself with the feel of his arousal. I placed my fingers on his lips to halt his reassurances as I reached down with the other hand to unfasten his trousers and feel the weight of him in my hand.
Jim parted his lips, and took my fingertips into his mouth, wrapping his tongue around them before closing his lips and sucking them in and out. I could feel the sensation travel through my body with a bliss that only Jim could provide and a groan escaped my mouth. I almost came undone at his attentions, but the tenderness in his eyes held me together as I doubled my attention to his need and stroked along his taut flesh.
His mouth went slack as I felt him grow firmer in my grip, and I pulled my fingers from his mouth so I could replace it with my tongue. I kissed him in time with the movement of my hands. His abdominal muscles flexed as he started to surrender to the pleasure.
I pulled away from his mouth as I stopped my hand's motion, bringing it up to hold his face, taking a moment to reassure myself that he was really here. I hadn't lost him, hadn't stolen him from myself and the universe. The only mating instinct I would ever be subject to would be the urge to have him, give myself to him. I needed him closer, had to have him in my body, couldn't let him spill into my hands. Jim looked at me with a furrowed brow, his desire and confusion plain on his face.
"I need you, Jim," I said.
Your body, your love, your control. I thought.
I watched as comprehension dawned in his eyes. His nostrils flared and he nodded his head. I felt the words he didn't need to speak as I fell to my knees in front of him and took him past my lips and deep into my throat. I heard him gasp as he took in the sensation. I gave my hands free rein over his body as I pulled him in and out of my mouth. I lost myself to the thrust of his hips and his hands fisted in my hair. He pounded my mouth relentlessly and I exalted in every sound of pleasure.
"Spock," I heard him groan out my name between panted breaths. "Look at me."
I lifted my eyes to meet his gaze. His fingers relaxed in my hair and his hands slid forward until his palms rested against my cheeks, feeling the strength of my jaw as he slipped in and out of my mouth. The tenderness in his eyes betrayed his intense thrusting from a moment before. With his thumbs he gently traced the edge of my ears, from base to tip in a slow, steady circuit, causing my blood to burn and making me moan low around him. As the sensation hit him, he spent his release without warning and I took every bit of him inside of me without breaking our gaze.
He pulled himself from me, before pulling me up into his arms. I knew I was forgiven.