"There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy." - Jean Anouilh
It's been six months and 4 days since they left. They, who I considered my family, who just up and left without any sort of goodbye, save for Edward. That didn't matter though, he didn't matter. His reasoning for leaving is that they are too dangerous for me, so leaving me alone and defenseless when there is an evil redheaded vampire out to get me is protecting me?
The only good thing that came out of this, was that it brought me closer to Jacob, and the rest of the pack at La Push. They were my protection now, but I still wanted my little pixie vampire back. She was better than anyone, and anything, and my heart belongs to her. I actually started to figure that out when they were all still here, so maybe that's part of the reason for them leaving. I know Edward noticed me growing apart from him, but I was confused at my feelings for a while.
Not only was I baffled that I was having feelings for another girl, but that it had to be my boyfriend's sister. I liked Alice right off the bat, from pretty much the moment I met her. She was the only one of the Cullens, besides Esme, to come up to me and embrace me in a hug, to my surprise. Everyone else, even Edward was distant, at times, except her. She was always to most affectionate person with me, and I loved it. When I started to realized how much I really did love it, I questioned myself.
About a month of thinking things through, running through everything in my head, over and over, I came to the conclusion that I had fallen for the little vampire. I had never had feelings for another girl before, so I was confused, and I knew Jasper sensed it. I would see the look on his face when I would see Alice. My heart would flutter, and I would have a feeling of total bliss, because I was with the one that I truly loved.
I'm not sure if Jasper had told Edward or not, but now that I think back, I'm pretty sure he did. I don't blame him though, he was most likely just protecting the girl he loves from being taken away. The truth is, I hadn't even thought things through. That's why I hadn't mentioned anything to Edward, because I knew that even though I loved her, she was with Jasper. Every time I would be around the both of them, I got jealous, and I mean, really jealous.
I couldn't help the way I felt. The girl I loved was with someone else, and I couldn't do anything about it. I also wouldn't miss the smirk on Jasper's face when my jealously kicked in, it was like he was enjoying that part. He didn't know what he had. He had the most beautiful girl in the world for himself, and he rarely showed her that. If she were mine, I would do my best every day, to show her how much she means to me. But no. He barely showed her any affection, but at the same time, I was grateful for that.
It made my heart clench with pain if I saw them kiss, which they barely did, thank God. I liked Jazz, but when my feelings for her grew, he became more protective of her, and Edward with me. When Alice and I had plans to do something alone together, Jasper started to complain, and insist either him or Edward tag along. Much to my dismay, Jasper came with us on several occasions, but I could see that it irritated Alice as well. I had a little hope that she felt the same way, but I could never know unless she told me.
I promised myself that I wouldn't say anything about my feelings towards her, because I didn't ever want to lose her friendship. But as time went on, the torture of seeing her with Jasper, and never getting any alone time with her to talk, it got harder and harder for me to contain myself. I wanted to scream it out to her, for the chance that maybe, just maybe, she had some sort of romantic feelings for me too. Maybe that was just wishful thinking though.
Then James came into our lives. His coven came into the field we were playing baseball in because they were curious and wanted to join, but that's definitely what didn't happen. James spotted me right away, and he was interested in my from the second we made eye contact. Edward, being his overly protective self, jumped the gun and attacked him. If he hadn't of done that, I would that thought they could have talked things out before things escalated.
Before I knew it, I was in Emmett's jeep with Edward, Emmett, and Alice. Edward was driving like a madman, and Emmett was on the lookout outside, just in case one of the Nomads tried something. And Alice was in the backseat with me, comforting me by holding me, and whispering reassuring things in my ear. At the time, I was supposed to be worried about the crazy vampire that was after me, but all I could think about then was Alice's arms around me.
We had stopped off at my house, because that was the first place the hunter would look. While Alice and Emmett ran back to their house, Edward and I put on a show for James, acting like I was leaving Forks with him, and leaving Charlie to protect him. After I had packed some clothes, and we had gone back to the Cullen's house to regroup. Edward reluctantly let me go with Alice and Jasper, because he knew the tracker would know I'd be with Edward, so he'd follow them.
Jasper sped off, leaving Edward in the garage, waiting for Carlisle and Rose to get ready, while Esme would go and look after Charlie. I could see that Jasper wasn't happy with Edward's decision to have me go with them, so with the first thought of Alice, it's like he knew, and purposefully grabbed her hand to hold it, right where I would see it, so I'd know my place. I wanted to cry, but I didn't want his actions to affect me so.
I guess his plan backfired though, because Alice sensed my sadness, and joined me in the backseat to hold me. I held onto her tight, letting silent tears run down my face. I saw Jasper had quite a grip on the steering wheel, because he was holding back. I savored every moment that I was in Alice arms, as if when she let go, I would never have it again. I saw his scowl in the rear view mirror, but he kept himself in check, for Alice's sake. She didn't know how I felt, and if Jasper had anything to do with it, she never would.
The next few days were spent in a hotel in Arizona. Much to Jasper's dismay, Alice spent most of that time with me. I mostly lied in bed, cocooned in the covers as Alice sat behind me, stroking my hair with her delicate fingers. At night, I snuggle into her, and she would gladly hold me. I could see that Jasper was having a hard time controlling his own emotions, and I was very surprised he didn't crack. I could see that Alice knew something was up with both of us, but I hoped she wouldn't put two and two together.
On the third day, they were going to move me to another hotel, just in case, so they both went downstairs to work things out. That's when I got the call from James, threatening the life of my mother if I didn't meet him. I complied, making a split decision to make a run for it, and I actually got away, to my surprise. I met him at my old ballet studio, where I found out that my mother had been in no danger at all, but it was just a ruse to get me here...and it had worked perfectly.
I felt stupid, but at the same time, I'd rather die in the place of someone I love, then lose them. After tossing me around a bit...Edward swooped in to save the day. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't my savior, Alice was. He couldn't defeat James by himself, so when Jasper, Alice, and Emmett showed up next, he was doomed. James bit me before Alice had ripped him to pieces in seconds. My vision was going in and out because of the searing pain from the venom, but my hearing was perfect.
Edward and Alice argued over letting the venom spread. Alice was for it, since she had seen me as a vampire from the very beginning. Edward, of course, was against it, saying I'd lose my soul if I was turned. Alice and I knew that was complete bullshit, but he got his way, as per usual. I felt him start to suck the venom out, but the last face I saw, was hers. I'd never seen Alice so scared. Her eyes pitch black with worry, and then everything went black.
When I awoke in the hospital, Edward and Alice were there by my side, along with my mother. She had informed me that I fell down and flight of stairs and through a window, which wasn't a bad cover story, because I was such a klutz, that could totally happen. The next few weeks, I saw Alice more. We had more alone time because she volunteered to help me while I recovered, and I was grateful. She brought me food, tucked me in at night, cuddled with me. We talked about everything, except what I really wanted to of course. It was like we were dating, minus the kissing.
When Alice would go hunt, Edward would spend time with me. He was annoyed that I wanted to spend most of my time with Alice, but I brushed it off, trying not to make it a big deal. He definitely wasn't happy about Alice helping me take showers either, but he obviously wasn't going to help, and neither was Charlie...that would have been way too uncomfortable. The first time was nerve racking, because I had never been naked in front of anyone, and well...it was Alice.
After a few minutes of trying to convince me that we were 'both girls, so it shouldn't be a big deal', I undressed. I thought she was just going to be there in case I were to lose my balance and fall, but no, she had gotten undressed also, and got in the shower with me. At first I was majorly self conscious, but when her cool hands touched my back, and she reassured me that I didn't have to be embarrassed, I started to let go.
She would wash my back and hair, while I tended to the front. Sometimes her fingers lingered on the curve of my hips, but I thought I was just reading too much into it, because that's what I wanted. The last time we showered together, before they left, was the most tense. I was soaping up my stomach like I usually did, while she did my back. I had had enough of being in love with her, and her not knowing, so I had decided to do something. Something that might jeopardize not only our relationship, but also hers and Jasper's.
I had decided to kiss her. While I was working up my nerve, I felt her stiffen behind me, but only for a few seconds, then her hands slowly went back to what they were doing. I knew it was a vision, and I wanted to know what it was about, I wanted to turn around a kiss her, Most of all...I wanted her to kiss me back. But alas, the fates weren't on my side. Alice's phone rang and stopped me. She got out to take the call, and now that I look back, I know that must have been when she found out they were leaving.
When she returned to help me out of the shower and dress, her face was pained and her eyes were sad. After tucking me in bed that night, she said she had to leave. Then, I had no idea that was that last time I would see her. She gave me an extra long hug, and a kiss on the cheek before saying our usual 'I love you's', then slipping out my window. I figured something was wrong, but I never would have guessed what happened after that.
The next day I woke up to Edward sitting in the wooden rocking chair in the corner of my room. He looked troubled, and I had a feeling what he was about to say, wasn't good. He told me that they were all leaving to 'protect me'. After what happened with James, he didn't want me to put me in any more danger. The whole time he was explaining this, all I was thinking about was Alice, and how she was leaving me. She didn't know how I felt, and she never would...
I teared up at the thought of never seeing my little vampire again, and I think Edward thought those tears were for him. He left me with a promise that he would never interfere with my life again, and he hopes that I can be happy again some day. And then with a light kiss to my forehead, he was gone. She was gone.
I spent at four months held up in my room, only going out for school and to fix meals for Charlie. I barely ate, I just didn't have the appetite anymore. I was becoming skin and bones, and Charlie was worried about me, but he didn't know what to do. The truth was, there was nothing he could do to take the pain away from losing the person I was in love with.
Eventually he made me get off my ass and out of my room, and that's when I started hanging out with Jacob. We had been childhood friends, but only had spoken a few times since I had moved to Forks, and Charlie thought some friend bonding would do me good. And it did. I started to live again, but I still wasn't happy. Sure, Jake took the pain away from a while, but when I got back to my house and lied in bed alone, the sadness would come back full force.
When Jake started acting different, I knew something was up. Come to find out, him and a lot of the kids on the rez are werewolves. It's like I'm a magnet for the supernatural. I told him I knew what the Cullens were, and he was upset with me for a while, since they are the 'enemy'. Sure, he told me the stories of their tribe as to why they hate vampires so much, but they are so biased that they never say how good the Cullens were...are.
Not that long ago I told him about my feelings toward Alice. He still wasn't happen that it was a Cullen that I had my heart set on, but he at least liked her better than Edward. He tried to help me get over her, but nothing could. My love for Alice was a once in a lifetime kind of love...or so I believe. The longer she was away, the more I realized I loved her, and the more I realized that she was gone...and she wasn't coming back.
I wondered if she still looked into my future, to see what I've been doing. I've thought about trying to talk to her, thinking maybe she'd see me and how much I missed her, enough that she would think about coming back. I never had the courage to though...she could come back anytime she wanted, right? It was her choice to stay away, even if all she saw in her visions were me in pain. Maybe she thought that pain was from Edward, but I could never be certain.
If this was how it was going to end, I just wished I had the chance to have a proper goodbye from each of them. I missed Esme's motherly hugs. I missed Carlisle's advice and guidance...God knows I need some. I miss Emmett's bear hugs and inappropriate jokes. I miss Rosalie's bitchiness. I even missed Jasper, oddly enough. I can't tell you how many tears I've shed these past months for her, for all of them. I needed them more than they knew.
Recently, Jake's been preoccupied with...doing whatever werewolves do. And I've been alone again. My depression coming back full force, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. That was, until I played with the idea of death. Most of the time wishing James had just killed me there in the ballet studio. Because I knew as long as I would be alive, I would be unhappy if I didn't have Alice. And I, for one, didn't want to live in misery anymore. I did, however, keep changing my mind about it, but two days ago I settled on my decision.
This morning I wrote Charlie a note, explaining why I did what I was about to do. I told him it wasn't Edward I was heartbroken over, but Alice. And that there was nothing he could have done to help me. I said goodbye to him and my mother, and left it on my bed for him to find when he came looking for me. I felt bad about leaving them, especially Charlie.
All of those events, led me here...at the edge of the cliff, waves crashing below me. I breathed in the cool fall air, relaxing me as I waited. Waiting for what, I don't know exactly. My fantasy of Alice stopping me before I jumped off the cliff, professing her love to me...wasn't going to happen. This was reality, and no matter how much you want something, I guess some things just aren't meant to be.
I stepped closer to the edge, taking a few deep breaths as I looked down at the blue waves crashing against the rocky cliff at the bottom. This was it.
"I love you, Alice. I'm sorry..." I whispered as a single tear ran down my face.
I'd imagine she would see this in a vision, so she would finally know how I felt about her. But at the same time, I know she loved me, and it would pain her to see the sight of me killing myself. I hoped she could forgive me for this one day. I put that at the back of my mind before I flung myself off the cliff without hesitation. The fall seemed to last forever, like I was going in slow motion. Pivotal moments of my life, flashing before my eyes.
Her face before she left me that night was the last thing I saw before I hit the ice cold water with a hard slap. The landing knocked the wind out of me, but I didn't struggle to save myself. I let my body go limp, and I started sinking in the water quickly, and before I knew it, my ass hit the sandy bottom of the ocean floor. Opening my eyes, all I saw was blue. Blue, and tiny bits of green stuff I assumed was algae or parts of seaweed, float by and catch the light of the sun that penetrated through the water.
I heard the muffled sound of the crashing waves above me, but apart from that, all I heard was my heartbeat. At first it was pounding fast, but as I lay there motionless, I noticed it slowing down. My lungs began to burn with pain, but I did my best to ignore it...it would be over soon anyway. Then I wouldn't have to feel anymore.
Soon, my vision started to blur and the pressure in my head and chest magnified. I blinked a few times before I started to see black, and I welcomed it. It was like my light at the end of the tunnel. I let the darkness surround me and pull me in until I could see no more...and it was then, for the first time in six months, that I felt nothing.
A/N: Well, that was depressing. So what do you think? Should I continue this? If so, I'll most likely change the title later on.