Alright. Let's get this over with.
A few notes before I begin. Matt is now Boy Wonder. It's too perfect to ignore. There WILL be gagging at Boremy moments. Oh and I hated this episode, or at least I'm considering hating it. So this review will have teeth. You were warned. Now enjoy.
We begin with the inevitable recap, because the writers (or is it the editors?) of this show assume we have 10 second attention spans. I suppose I'd be more grateful about this if I actually did have a 10 second attention span. Maybe that's why they think they'll get away with this shit….
That's a question for another time.
Starts off with Boy Wonder, the fabulous Caroline, and wolfy Tyler. I'm glad because let's face it, the only characters I'm actually worried about are Caroline, Tyler, and Jeremy. Two out of three in the scene? I'm paying attention. Tyler snarls (he's BA in wolf form btw, I think I forgot to mention that) and Boy Wonder says "Here, let me help!" *Poses heroically* Caroline shoves him off and resists the urge to remind him that she's a vampire and he is a lowly human. She's got it. So back off BW. There's some ramming of the ancient cage door with a mix of CGI and puppetry, BW announces that the door is not going to hold. What's his solution? Shoot the wolf. So he does. And I scream and flail about a bit. BW, you're so back on the death wish list. Right below Jules, above Momma Forbes. Caroline screams because he JUST SHOT TYLER. How rude. They argue and BW tries to shoot him again. He's really not helping himself right now. The wolf is laying on the floor and Caroline points out that he's wounded and they can leave now, they can go around him. BW still has his trusty sniper rifle. (Where did he get that thing? And who taught him to shoot it? Was Papa Donovan a park ranger? Unanswered questions writers…that's all I'm saying.) But Caroline convinces him to not shoot Tyler again and they blur their asses out of there. I have to assume Caroline was carrying BW in her arms like a boss.
Meanwhile Damon and Kat are watching his bite pulsate…which is disturbing frankly. Take a picture. It'll last longer. She says "So that's what a werewolf bite looks like." Actually, it changes every fucking time you look at it, give it half a second and the nerds at the computers enough time to put more code in… (My my, I am awfully bitey tonight..) Not to mention, how old is Kat? Isn't she smarter than that? Or does she just like playing captain obvious? What else would it be? Really? I'm assuming vampires can't get herpes…otherwise Kat must be a walking case of it… "It doesn't look that bad." She says. *sigh* Great. Thanks Kat. They talk about a cure, neither one of them knows of one. Damon puts on his jacket and gets ready to leave, Kat asks isn't he going to say goodbye? He tells Kat she doesn't get a goodbye. Which was a pretty great moment actually. "Us ending on good terms isn't exactly on my bucket list." She pouts a bit. Damon points out that she owed him and didn't come through. Kat says that it was her or Jenna and she chose her. Fucking obviously. She says that she always comes out on top (stow the dirty jokes ppl) because she doesn't let love interfere. Well that's nice. Damon agrees. "Enjoy an eternity alone Katherine." Kat asks what he's going to do. He says he'll switch himself out with Jenna, Kat points out AGAIN that Klaus won't take him. His blood is tainted. Herpes? No? Okay. How you doing? Keeping up my goldfish friend? If you've already forgotten just scroll back up and read again. You're still here? Good. I have a long attention span too. We should start a petition.
We check up on Jenna and Elena. Jenna is in pain she says that Elena called and was so scared and she should have known that it wasn't Elena. Why should she have known this you ask? Because Jenna is an absentee parent. I wouldn't have called her either. I'm just saying. She recaps what happened. Elena eventually reveals to her that Klaus has killed her and turned her into a vampire. Jenna is a bit upset. I don't blame her. All she wanted to do was go to college and hit up happy hours. Now she's a vampire. Stupid kids. Greta the witch insists that Jenna must be hungry. Elena tries to stop her and Greta tosses her into a spelled circle of unnecessary fire before slicing her own wrist and turning Jenna into a vampire. Didn't see that coming at all… Oh Jenna. Couldn't even hold off for a second, could you? Greta puts her in another circle. Ring of Fire is playing on a jukebox somewhere… Elena tells Jenna that it's all going to be okay. Oh yeah. You shit rainbows too don't you? Jenna's face vamps out and it was actually a cool moment…her expression was not settled on one emotion, which I found intriguing.
Title card. Don't remind me that I'm ashamed to watch this show. Damn you.
We check up on Bonnie and Jeremy. They're both reading by candlelight. "This is useless," Jeremy says. My thoughts exactly my ex and soon to be emo friend. Apparently they're reading all the grimoires to stop Elena from turning into a vampire. I thought Bonnie had some sort of magic speed reading power… Guess not. Bonnie says they'll keep looking, until the last minute. UUUUMMMM… Hello? Isn't it like the last minute..now? Shit's happening now. Get on it.
Oh wait. No. Elijah informs us that the sacrifice happens in stages. Of course it does. Why wouldn't it? First the werewolf dies, then the vampire, then the doppelganger. *sigh* Stefan asks AGAIN if Elijah is sure that this won't kill Bonnie. Elijah says if Bonnie gets him close Elijah will finish the job himself. Make her do it. I mean she's supposed to have a purpose right? Damon calls Stefan and BAD NEWS! That's right, Klaus has Jenna. We already knew that, but they don't care. They're gonna pound the facts into our heads until there's nothing left but grey frothy mush. Stefan looks to Ric which is just a dead giveaway I mean really. Poor Ric. Who else feels bad for him?
We check up on Elena and Jenna again. Jenna is talking about being a vampire. Elena tells her that she can shut off her human side. Go for it. You were already an absentee parent. Be an absentee vampire. Out comes Jules. And she's in pain. Awe. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET HOOR. Ahem. Greta informs her that she's slowed down the transformation for the spell. Her insides are trying to rip themselves out. Nice. Elena says that Greta is supposed to keep nature balanced, Greta says that she never had a thing for nature, but she likes Klaus. He says he's glad he still has a dance partner. Okay? I'm picturing them tangoing in an abandoned castle somewhere. Best choice of line? No. Klaus inquires how the girls are doing. They're fucking grand. How are you you sick son of a bitch? (Again, really bitey….sorry. Kinda.)
Cut to Boy Wonder and Caroline who've safely arrived at the Lockwood mansion. The current one. Boy Wonder says they aren't safe and loads more bullets. (Seriously, where did he learn how to do this?) Caroline asks him how he knew about her, he fesses up about the vervain and her mom. She's upset. He's going around checking windows…yeah, like Ty is carrying a neon sign in his mouth. Caroline asks how he feels about the whole vampire thing. "Where does this leave us?" "Stuck in this house, trying not to get mauled to death by our friend." Oh Boy Wonder…you have such a way with words. Not to mention…bears maul. Wolves just kill. Just say kill. Stop trying to sound more awesome than you are.
We here a knocking and Damon stumbles out, "I heard you." Awe, I love that he does that too. He's already looking a little…crazier. That was fast. Anybody else feel like Mystic Falls is a time warp? Oh look, it's John. He looks like a young, constipated Mr. Rogers. He hasn't heard from Elena in a few days and where is she? Damon's like "You're too late, Klaus has her. Isn't that just great?" John's a bit upset. We all know why. Cos he missed shit again. But he accuses Damon, "Weren't you supposed to keep her safe? Wasn't that the sum total of your plan?" Damon's like…shit happens. But he tells him about the vampire blood that will bring her back, "…granted as the thing you hate most in life, but no one really cares what you think." So true. John tries to attack, Damon tosses him into a wall. Damon says it gets worse, John wants to know how, so do I. But of course, the camera cuts away.
Back to the rings of fire. It kinda looks like the forest has ring worm… Jules is still screaming, no one cares. Klaus hands over the moonstone, mentioning pointlessly that he's spent over 500 years looking for it. They talk about the ceremony. Jules is still screaming. Greta starts chanting. And then Jules really pisses me off. Granted, I've hated her from the moment she dragged her annoying ass on set. But it's TVD so they have to make us feel bad about every single death. "Everything I did, I was just trying to help Tyler." BULLSHIT. I CALL BULLSHIT. Elena's all like, "Are you Jules?" Really? Who else would she be? It's not Tyler's long lost three times removed fifth cousin Agnes. Then Jules says, "I didn't want him to be alone." UM NO. Just no. I could go on a full on rant against Jules but no one wants to hear that so I'll move on. She's released from her circle and tries to run but surprise Klaus catches and kills her. Can I just say, possibly worst acted death we've ever seen on TVD. And that's saying something.
Bonnie and Jeremy are still reading. Holy shit. She asks which one he's reading cos she has to flirt with him instead of trying to save Elena's life. Fantastic. Jer says he's reading Emily Bennett's cos heaven forbid they come up with another damn character. There's a whole section on spells that she did for Jonathan Gilbert. Bonnie says that she thinks Emily had a thing for John. *gag* Jeremy chuckles quietly. *gag* I thought that Jonathan Gilbert and April were together? Are we supposed to have forgotten that or was Jonathan Gilbert just a man whore? Or was Bonnie just making a really shitty joke at a bad time? We'll never know. They mutter something about resuscitative spells, I'm trying not to make a break for the bathroom…Jeremy mentions that there might be more in the Gilbert journals and maybe Stefan will run them over cos he's not busy or anything… We hear someone (really loudly) upstairs. Bonnie's all like "Someone's here." Really. I feel like my level of intelligence has been insulted. It's Ric, Jer asks what he's doing there. Does it really matter? Ric asks Bonnie if he can have just a sec with Jeremy. Bonnie actually leaves. I am shocked. Ric looks uncomfortable. Jeremy asks what's happened. Has his voice dropped recently? Is he doing it on purpose? Was Jeremy supposed to have hit puberty or something? Is he going to grow a mustache next? Not the point. (16=22?) Moving on. Ric says that something has happened to Jenna. Yeah. Something. That just about covers it. Jeremy looks upset and for the first time I care about what happens to Jenna. I mean…she's not really important to the show itself but she's important to other characters. Hasn't Jeremy been through enough? I see an emo resurgence coming. Black nail polish and even pointier hair galore.
Cut to Bonnie who demands too loudly and with Disney acting skills why Klaus took Jenna. Elijah says it's punishment for meddling. Meddling. Hehe. Because Damon saved Tyler and Caroline Jenna must die. Glad they explained that actually… Bonnie says they need to go. Stefan says AGAIN that it will kill her. He even says "We've already been through this." Yeah, so cut to the chase. Bonnie says letting Jenna die is not an option. Elijah says that Stefan agrees. Why is he an awkward third wheel in this convo? Stefan puffs out his chest and announces proudly that he will take Jenna's place. See look, everything's fine. The two martyrs will die together and life will go on. No? Yeah…didn't really think so.
Back in the forest they're making kool-aid. Klaus wants to know if it's working, Greta says it is. Duh. No show if it's not working dude. Did you read your script? Jenna and Elena talk about how she's been a great guardian and she never wanted to do it and blah blah blah. Extra cheese over an open flame. I changed my mind again, cut the bitch. She's pissing me off. It would be very nice I suppose…I'm just a skeptic. They each take the blame for what's happened. Um can I just point out that there's actually a homicidal vampire oh say two feet away that you can both blame? Elena tells Jenna to run when she gets the chance. Yeah cos that worked out great for Jules. Rest in pieces bitch.
Boy Wonder is still checking out the windows and Caroline, the only person that'd be able to see Tyler is on the couch. She asks if her mom is going to kill her. BW says he doesn't think her mom knows what to do with her. Caroline says she doesn't know either. Awe. Just keep being awesome girl. There's a thump, which only Caroline hears. Told you. BW asks what it is and look, it's a naked Tyler. Wouldn't mind that on my front porch… But BW still wants to shoot, Caroline stops him again and tells him to take off his jacket before going to Ty and putting it over him.
Stefan is pacing. Cos that's useful. But Bonnie has done a tracking spell so Stefan is going in, Elijah will follow with Bonnie. Glad they JUST NOW came up with a plan. Elijah and Stefan blather on about honor. Elijah admits why he wants to kill Klaus (turns out that he killed the rest of their family and buried them at sea so Elijah can never find them or bring them back) Stefan wants reassurance that Elijah won't betray them. Elijah says a pretty great line… "Sometimes there's honor in revenge Stefan."
Back in the basement John brings all the Gilbert journals. Cos they are still freaking reading. Jesus. Of course John already knows the spell they speak of. Fantastic. So cut to the chase! Bonnie asks where Damon is in a really poor lead in to the next scene. As John tells Bonnie, Damon is upstairs talking to Ric. Ric informs Damon what Stefan is up to. Damon's pissed. He again points out that they could just use Bonnie and it doesn't matter if she dies. Ric just shakes his head. I roll my eyes. If there is one person NOT dying, it's Bonnie. Damon punches through a wall and takes a moment to recover. Ric asks if he's alright. Damon says of course he is. *What you think I got bitten by a werewolf? Pshaw.* "Well that's my brother for ya. Always cleaning up my messes." I love that the entire gang is blaming themselves for what Klaus is doing. Classic.
The kool-aid is coming along nicely in the woods. Greta's still chanting along like a champ. Elena pleads for Jenna's life and says that they can't leave Jer without a family. Klaus notices Stefan looming on a hill. He says he wants to talk.
Bonnie and John have found a spell. It will bind one life force to another. There's some blathering on about souls and God and I'm pretty sure this was covered somewhere in Breaking Dawn.
Back in the woods Jenna is failing to eavesdrop on Klaus and Stefan. Stefan wants to do the old switcheroo. Klaus really likes that he's got three women. Surprisingly, Stefan actually is a man. So he doesn't fit. Jenna finally tunes in and tells Elena what they're planning. Elena and Jenna are upset. I think we all are.
Caroline has apparently just come back from tucking Ty in. BW asks how he's doing, like you even care. I hated this scene so I'm really gonna skim. It's getting late anyways. *yawns* Long story short, BW bitches about his life, absentee mom, school (yeah right, very funny), and bills! OMG. So he really can't handle all this supernatural stuff on top of it. He breaks up with Caroline. I still hate that TVD made me hate this pairing, I loved them at the start. That first night where he took care of her and tucked her in… Awe. And now they're reduced to this. U.U
Bonnie's just finished the binding spell on John. Damon tells her to move it. Bonnie says they'll be back soon. Jer's like wtf? I'm coming with you. (Stop telling me I'm too weak damn it.) I have a ring! I won't even try to give it to anyone I swear! Bonnie kisses him and I start laughing my ass off cos apparently she literally just put a spell on him and now he's stumbling backwards and John has to help him into a chair. Haha. Another reason this pairing would never work. Is this how she always solves arguments? John tells her to just go. Damon and Bonnie leave, grabbing Elijah on the way out, but Ric is trapped in the house. He asks what's going on, Bonnie says she can't put anyone else at risk. No humans anyways. Ric begs to come, he can't stay with Jenna out there. Bonnie says no. Quick point: there's like a bajillion candles in an ancient house that he's now trapped in. What if it catches on fire? I'm not supposed to think about what's not directly presented? Okay. Ric calls out to Damon. "Sorry buddy, she's right." Awe.
In the woods Elena is in denial. "This can't happen." Maybe she's lost it… Stefan and Klaus make their way down. Klaus asks Elena who she chooses before informing her that she doesn't have a choice and attacking Stefan. He's got plans for Stefan and needs him alive apparently. Klaus moves forward to attack Jenna. Elena's freaking. Jenna says it's okay. She knows what she has to do. She attacks Greta. Kick ass Jenna! But Klaus gets her. She's laying on the ground, apparently unable to move. Elena's crying, she tells Jenna to turn off her emotions. Klaus kills Jenna. I actually screamed here. Can't believe they actually did it… :( Poor Jenna. And her arms are out to the side…kinda like Jesus. How cliché…
Kool-aid is still boiling. Klaus is still creepy. Stefan apparently can't fix whatever the hell Klaus did to his back, really don't know. It's not important anyways. Jenna is still dead. The stake is sticking out really awkwardly too… Whatevs. Stefan apologizes, Elena shushes him saying they'll kill Klaus. Klaus approaches and says it's time. DER. He offers his hand and she strides past. Really? Defiant now? Klaus proceeds to drain her like a slurpee in about ten seconds flat…okay more like 56 seconds. Yes I actually counted. Still way too fast. Klaus is feeling the mojo. He starts transforming, also very quickly. He says some dumb obvious shit like "I can feel it" and "It's happening" But then Bonnie appears! And She's chanting. Klaus is screaming. Damon snaps Greta's neck (where I actually stood and clapped…) Bonnie proceeds in killing Klaus. Damon carried Elena over to Stefan and fixes him, Stefan tells him to get Elena out. Stefan says he's not leaving until Klaus is dead. Elijah appears and stabs his hand into Klaus' chest but wait, Klaus says that he didn't bury their family at sea. He'll lead Elijah to their bodies if he lets him live. (Anybody else see this coming back?) Bonnie and Stefan freak as Elijah hesitates. Bonnie says she'll kill them both if Elijah doesn't do it but Elijah grabs Klaus and makes a run for it. Fantastic. He apologized but still… Oh Elijah. Why must you betray me?
John Gilbert is writing a note and looks very serious. The lighting is serious as well. Ric says they should have heard something by now. Jer asks John if he read all the journal, John says he did. Jer says so he knows what happened to the mother who saved her baby with the binding spell. John's like DER. Oh Jeremy. Honey. All that pot has clearly gotten to you. But John is okay with it. He's saving Elena. John hands Jeremy the letter and ring, telling him to give them to Elena. Ric says "Oh hey, what's going on here?" Jesus. Now I know why the three stooges got left behind. Jeremy and John ignore him. They really can cos it's obvious that when Elena comes back John's a dead duck. There's super loud noises of someone coming in and AGAIN someone states that someone is there. No shit Ric. Jeremy and Ric run upstairs, John stays behind.
Damon carries in Elena. He tells her not to come back as a vamp cos he couldn't stand it if she hated him forever. He strokes her hair and I am really so over this Delena crap. Never. Gonna. Happen. Even if Stefan died. Even if Elena started doing crack cocaine to cope. Jeremy asks how she is, Damon doesn't know obviously cos she's unconscious. Ric asks about Jenna, Damon's look says it all. He apologizes to Jeremy who takes a bit longer to catch up. Then he looks like a kicked puppy. Poor Jer. John leaves, he looks melancholy and still slightly constipated. He looks back just in time for Elena to gasp her way back to life. She's still human. Break out the confetti. Unsurprisingly, John drops like a rock. And I actually feel bad. TVD strikes again.
Caroline plops onto the couch where Ty was sleeping. He wakes up and is in pain, Caroline tells him he got shot but is healing. He says he never should have come back, Caroline says he never should have left. DAMN STRAIGHT. She says he shouldn't leave again. He says that she must be kidding cos it's the second time he tried to kill her. "Well, no friendship is perfect." Mutual chuckle. She tells him that Matt broke up with her. Ty says he's sorry. Caroline says he should say "Thank you Caroline for taking care of me. And I'm sorry that I tried to chow down on you again." More chuckling. But then she starts to cry. Ty offers four things. A blanket. Cuddles. His naked body. And his thanks. And I hate Caroline. Or I'm insanely jealous. You be the judge.
Damon and Stefan are talking about the Gilbert family plot and compelling grave diggers…pretty sure there's a joke in there somewhere. Elena is getting ready for the funeral and of course she's staring at photos on her mirror that I'm pretty sure we've never seen before. Jeremy comes in and…well…he is wearing that suit. Seriously. What are the rest of us mere mortals supposed to do with our haggard asses when he looks like that? He tells Elena to take her time and his voice is no longer deep? I'm confused McQueen. He hands over the letter and ring, they share mutual emo looks, which I suppose is fair. Elena apologizes for Jeremy having to lose so many ppl. He says, "I still have you." Awe. So corny. So adorable. So torn. They hug. A whiny indie song starts. Jer leaves and Elena takes the letter to the windowsill. Pilot flashback? Yes.
Cue the voiceover. Oh look it's corny and cliché too. Yay. He says that he failed her and should have listened. Too late John Jesus. He tells her to do better with her child (I was fully expecting them to cut to a pregnancy test in a trash can at that point…) and that's why he left the ring, for her baby. Okay… They all go to the graveyard and Elena is putting roses on gravestones. Both Boy Wonder and Tyler are absent but everybody else is there. Everybody looks sad but I think I feel the worst for Elena, Ric, and Jeremy. God Jeremy just looks like a puppy. John's letter finishes with "Whether you are reading this letter as a human or a vampire I love you just the same, as I always will. John." *sigh* Really? Corn check. Not to mention, you really have to sign it? Alright, alright, moving on. Ric is killing me. He pats Jeremy's arm and Jer is killing me too. Oh Elena, stop crying and let me hate you.
Stefan and Damon are talking. Stefan says they're going back to the house, Damon says he'll pass. Stefan says she needs them. Damon points out that they still have to kill Klaus and now Elijah too. Stefan says he doesn't know and that he's not going to let Elena lose anyone else. Damon says he shouldn't promise anything. "What's that supposed to mean?" "Tyler Lockwood bit me." Might be a joke there too… The bite looks different again which is actually plausible here so you go nerds. Stefan looks upset. *I'm the one who's supposed to die! Damn it Damon! You're always stealing my thunder…* He says they'll find something. Of course. Damon doesn't die. Damon can't die. End of statement. Damon says there is no cure and he asks Stefan to keep this from Elena. Great idea. Damon says the last thing Elena needs is another grave tomorrow. Then there's a long shot of him walking through the graveyard as Stefan watches. SO CLICHÉ.
All done. Finale next week. Let's just end this…