Rated M for mature content.
I do not own Kurt, Blaine, Jeff, Nick, Wes or David. They belong to the amazing minds of Fox.
The story does refer to self-harming and depression, so if you do read this story, be sure to read to the very end. I promise it will get better if you do.
Kurt looked down at his wrists. He could feel the warm blood as it trickled slowly down his arm. He watched as the single drop ran, leaving a red trail where it travelled. He smiled sadly through his tears and looked at his own face in the mirror. He could hardly recognize himself. This reflection that he saw was not Kurt Hummel. Kurt was an extremely fashionable young boy. Kurt was a diva. Kurt Hummel is not a person that would let this kind of thing get to him. This was a stranger taking on the form of his reflection, looking back at him through the glass of the mirror. This was definitely not Kurt. It was some sickly looking boy. His eyes were dark and sunken from insomnia. He looked sullen and pale from deprivation of food. The colour in his usually rosy cheeks was gone, and his hands were stained with blood from the gashes that were across his wrists. The worst, most frightening thing about this reflection was its eyes. The pair of blue eyes staring back at him were empty. Those beautiful eyes that were usually blue with specs of silver and green were now dark; hollow. There was no light in them. Kurt couldn't see the light.
Blaine and Kurt met in the coffee house the next morning, as was usual custom to them now. Kurt sat down at one of the small wooden tables while Blaine got both of their coffee orders. As Kurt sat in that uncomfortable metal and wood chair, he remembered back to that time when him and Blaine stood in that line together, and the way his heart leapt when he heard that Blaine knew his coffee order. He should've known there was nothing there.
Blaine handed him his coffee, and Kurt stared blankly out the window of the tiny little café. Blaine looked at him for a few minutes. Then he sighed, and Kurt looked over at him. His big hazel eyes looked full of concern.
"What's wrong, Kurt?" he asked.
"Wrong?" Kurt was a little snappier than necessary, "Nothing's wrong."
"Doesn't seem like it…" Blaine hesitated, "you seem different than when we first met… You used to smile and make witty jokes and comments all the time."
"Oh?" was all Kurt could say.
"It is because you miss your friends from McKinley?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah." Lie. "Definitely." Another lie. Kurt felt like hitting himself. His hands twitched and all he wanted to be doing was feeling the warmth of that blood as it trailed down his arm… He shook his head to clear his own thoughts. He zoned in and out as Blaine began to babble on about the next Warbler rehearsal and what songs they're thinking about doing. Kurt stared blankly, 'mm'ing and 'ahh'ing when appropriate.
They left the shop after finishing their coffee, as per routine, and went back to Dalton to go to class.
Maths was strenuous. Kurt was having troubles keeping his eyes from closing, let alone doing any work.
Stupid maths, thought Kurt, It was hard enough with numbers, and now they have to go and add fucking letters and greek numerals.
He went through the work that was set, and by the end of the lesson he groaned when he saw all the work he had done. There were about 2 lines of actual maths, and the rest of the page was filled with the words "Blaine Anderson" and tiny little love hearts. He looked warily at the little doodles all over the page, and what scared him most was a pair of eyes he drew right in the middle of the page.
He astonished himself at how realistic the eyes were. He was never a good drawer, but these eyes resembled Blaine's almost exactly. They were shaded to catch that glint that was always in Blaine's eyes. The big eyes stared at him, the long eyelashes looking so delicate.
Kurt gazed. The eyes stared back. They felt like they were watching him, looking right inside of him and seeing every single little secret about Kurt. They were staring into Kurt's soul. Kurt shivered slightly. He snapped his book shut and moved onto the next class.
He looked up his timetable, and complained loudly. Double maths.
Blaine caught up to Kurt as he walked to his locker after classes were over.
"Hey, Kurt!" He chirped.
Kurt didn't even look at him. "Hi," he pulled the sleeved of his school shirt down out of habit, though he knew that they covered up his arms well enough for no one to see the cuts. It wasn't like anybody cared enough to look for them anyway.
Kurt reached his locked and unlocked it, a little more impatient than necessary. He shoved his books into his locker and turned to face Blaine.
"Is there a reason you're still here?" Kurt asked. He felt like every second he spent with Blaine just reminded him so much more of how he couldn't have him. It had been 6 slow months, and every minute of it was excruciating. He was there with every tear Blaine had shed over a guy he was dating. He had dated four different guys in those 6 months, and one girl too, if you include Rachel. Kurt had never even gone out with a guy. Kurt knew Blaine was outrageously good-looking, which was why so many guys fell for him, he couldn't help but swoon nearly every time he saw him, and it ached so fucking much.
"Oh." Blaine said. He must have been in the middle of a sentence before Kurt cut him off. "I can go if you want…"
Kurt paused. Please, never ever go. Don't ever leave me, just stay here with me and hold me forever. His own brain was battling. Just leave me here, it hurts to be with you, just leave me alone.
His first argument won, "No! I mean… that's not what I meant. I was trying to ask if you had anything to tell me."
"Hm." Blaine scanned Kurt's expression. Come on, Blaine. Stop seeing through me. Look at me and see how well we would go together. Kurt wished that he could tell his own brain to shut the fuck up.
Blaine just reminded him that they had Warbler's practice in a few minutes before departing.
As soon as he was out of sight, Kurt dropped his head against the locker door. He banged his head a few times, and for a moment wished that he would somehow get knocked out completely. Forever. Just to end this pain.
He took a moment, and sighed. As much as it hurt him to do so, he wasn't going to miss one of Blaine's performances. He walked swiftly over to the hall where they had their rehearsals, on the way meeting with Jeff and Nick to go over. They talked animatedly as the three of them walked, and Kurt said nothing. They didn't seem to notice too much. It wasn't out of the ordinary for Kurt to be keeping to himself for them. Kurt tried to figure out how he was so alone even while with friends. He felt like he was lost deep in a forest, no one there to help him out, no one there to hear his cries. Why? He asked himself. Because they're not his McKinley friends. They don't care as much as Mercedes would. They wouldn't notice if anything was wrong like Tina would. They wouldn't observantly see the cuts like Rachel would. They wouldn't be there for him like Finn would.
They entered the hall and sat on the couched lazily. Richard started to beat box, creating a rhythm as the Warblers hummed in harmony. Kurt mindlessly joined in.
Blaine took lead, of course, and he began to sing the first verse of the song.
Kurt melted, like every single other time he heard Blaine sing. His song was like chimes in the wind, each note hanging perfectly in the air.
The way Blaine moved was so quirky, yet so elegant as he danced and swayed to the beat.
The Warblers created a circle around Blaine and they bopped and stepped in time with one another, Wes leading. A few of the exceptionally good dancers, like Jeff and Nicholas did flips and spins.
Kurt couldn't help but smile just a little bit. It felt out of place, his smile. The only smile he'd worn for the past few months had been fake. There to simply please others. But this was different, he was genuinely smiling. He always cheered up when he performed in a really good number, and there was no denying, this was amazing. The song choice was probably Blaine's – it fitted well into the Warbler's style, and the harmonizing fitted perfectly.
They jived to the rhythm as the song came to a close, and all cheered when they sang out the final line, the last chord staying still in the atmosphere. They all stood still for a moment, taking in the performance they all knew was the best they'd ever done, and then in one moment everyone burst into claps and cheers, congratulating one another.
Kurt and Blaine were both near the back of the room, and when everybody started cheering they ended up looking straight to each other, their eyes sparkling from the high that performing brought to both of them.
They grabbed one another's hand and started jumping up and down and squealing almost like little girls.
"That was amazing!" Blaine was ecstatic.
"I know, right?" Kurt yelled back. Then he looked down at their joined hand and stopped.
He blushed at the fact that they were holding hands, for the first time since the day they met. Blaine followed his gaze and looked down at their hands too, a broad grin still across his face.
Kurt looked up to see Blaine's expression, and was happy enough to see that Blaine seemed content with the gesture. He smiled happily down at their hands, and Kurt couldn't help but laugh. That was before Blaine's eyes widened ever so slightly and his smile disappeared completely.
Kurt looked around quickly. The rest of the hall was still celebrating, and no one had noticed the two of them.
"Blaine?" Kurt asked in alarm, "What's wrong?"
"Kurt…" Blaine looked up at Kurt, and Kurt was shocked to see his eyes looked slightly wet. The sparkle was gone, and what replaced it was what looked to be… grief.
"What is it?" Kurt distressed.
"Kurt, you… What's on your wrists?" His eyelids fluttered as he was trying to hold the tears back.
Kurt's looked down at the hands Blaine was holding and noticed that the cuts were visible. He snapped his arms down to his sides, and looked at Blaine in panic.
Blaine shook his head slightly, as if he didn't believe what he just saw. He made to grab Kurt's arm again, but Kurt took a step back and out of Blaine's reach.
Kurt looked at Blaine's astonished expression through a cloudy vision. Tears were building up in the corners of his eyes, and he retreated further.
Blaine shook his head again, "Kurt…"
The next thing Kurt knew, he was flying out of the room, the tears flowing furiously down his face. He ran as far as he could, and found himself on the other side of campus, in the Dalton gardens. It was after school hours, so there was no one around. The garden was empty. Kurt was alone.
He fell onto one of the benched and cried into his hands. The tears kept on flowing, and he felt the cuts across his wrists sting as the salt water fell onto them.
Kurt nearly jumped when he felt someone's arms closing around him.
They were muscular, warm arms that twined around his body, pulling him into their chest.
"Kurt, baby." Blaine's voice drifted over him, "Shhh, baby it's going to be alright."
Kurt wound his arms around Blaine's waist and cried into his broad chest. He tried to soak up as much of Blaine's scent and body warmth as he could while he cried. Blaine just hummed to him, gently rocking Kurt back and forth.
They stayed like that for what could have been hours before Kurt's breathing was back to normal and Blaine pulled away to look at him in the eyes.
Kurt was surprised to see that Blaine's golden-amber eyes were shimmering with water, and there were tears running down his cheeks too.
"How long had this been going on for?" he questioned.
"About 5 months." Kurt choked out. He didn't know why, but he suddenly he felt like he could tell Blaine everything.
"So pretty soon after you moved here?" Blaine said softly.
Kurt nodded weakly.
"Can I… can I see?" Blaine reached over and put a hand on Kurt's arms and Kurt cringed at first, but then unfolded his arms so that Blaine could push up his sleeves and trace the dark red slashes with his finger. "Why?" Blaine's words were almost inaudible.
"I… I just feel so lonely" Kurt whispered.
A single tear trickled down Blaine's cheek, and Kurt's heart leapt a beat as Blaine bent down, still holding onto Kurt's arm, and kissed the red lines. Hip lips brushed lightly over the marks, and he planted a kiss up every centimetre of Kurt's arm, and made his way up to Kurt's face.
He kissed Kurt once on the nose, then on both eyelids, and then brought his mouth right up to Kurt's. Their lips were nearly touching, and they breathed in the same air.
"You don't have to be." Blaine closed the gap, and their lips pressed together, fitting into one another's perfectly. Their mouths and tongues moved together in flawless synchronization, as if there was a dance that both of their lip's knew every step and movement to, but were just waiting for another to dance with.
Kurt reached up to wind a hand into Blaine's curly hair, and Blaine placed his hands around Kurt's waist. Kurt breathed Blaine in as they kissed, and relished in the moment, feeling Blaine's warmth from his chest and the strong hands that were placed on his sides.
The pair pulled out of the kiss to catch their breath, but leant their foreheads against one another's, eyes still closed.
"It's you, Kurt." Blaine whispered against Kurt's lips, "It's always been you. Those other boys were to distract myself, because I knew I was dying inside. I had to find a way to stop thinking about you, so I tried it. But I kept finding myself looking for you in them. The first one had your smile. The second had your nose. The third had your laugh, and the fourth had your eyes. But none of them were you."
Kurt laughed softly.
"You should have told me." Blaine said, "then you wouldn't have had to harm your gorgeous body."
Kurt put a hand on the side of Blaine's face, "I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to do. I…. I love you, Blaine."
Kurt pulled back to look Blaine in the eye. He wanted Blaine to know how much he meant it, because he only just realized it himself.
"I love you too." A grin spread across Blaine's face, and Kurt couldn't help but smile in return. Blaine's smile was so genuine, and so lovely, he couldn't help but beam too.
They looked into each other's eyes for a while, before Kurt snuggle into Blaine's shoulder as they both turned to see the sun as it set.
Kurt noticed that Blaine was looking at him, and turned to question him why.
"You're so beautiful." Blaine stated, as if it were common knowledge, "But there's one thing I never noticed before…" Blaine reached up to stroke a strand of hair out of Kurt's face, "Your eyes… they're so full of… light."
Kurt smiled and turned to watch the remainder of the sunset. He could see the light.
So don't give up, my love. Hope is always near.
Someone is out there for you, and I know it's hard to believe, but just hold on for a little while longer and you'll soon see.
Don't feel lonely, there are SO many people out there that love you, so let them in.
Wait for the sun to rise again, every day brings new hope.
Watch that sun rise, and see it.
See the light. See how much you are loved.
Things will get better.