The doctrine of love
I remember those times when I was little –when I used to spend all my time with Taka. I would talk with him about everything and he would listen to me. He had those huge spectacles that covered his face and his beautiful green eyes. I remember this time when I started crying out of a reason I cannot remember. He braced his hands around me and whispered to my ear 'Don't worry, Ume-chan, I will always be here for you.' I didn't answer anything to that, back then –but I thought to myself that he will not ever do that because, in my heart, I knew that we loved each other.
'Kurumi! Are you awake? You'll be late for school!'
I heard my step-mother's voice. I was looking in the mirror, my body was shaking. What to do, I thought to myself. Last night when Taka has brought me home, I felt… wonderful. I kept his hand in mine (or he kept my fingers in his) and we did not talk much. He left me in front of the house –with his face so red I couldn't see his pale skin. He kissed me on the cheek –near my lips, and ran away. I could not stop him because my feet were stuck to the ground. And I entered the house.
I haven't slept at all – I just kept thinking about him, about what has happened between us (and I could not give him a call, as he lost his cell). My heart skipped 1.000 bits last night. Or even more. It's still skipping bits while I look myself in the mirror and I see my dumb face –those green eyes, that blonde and curly hair, my school uniform.
I sigh and decide to go out –I have to face today's encounter. Why am I so afraid? I am afraid of losing Taka. I have thought and thought and thought about it last night – we were friends before all of this (even though nothing really happened… I just told him that I love him! Maybe he forgot about it… but I still do not want him to forget about it…)… we were friends before all of this, if I am wrong… then what is to make out of our friendship? If we do not match one another, I am going to lose him… and I do not want to lose Taka-chan (not now, not ever!) he is the only one that can be by my side, not only because he loves me, but because he understands and accepts me. He is my only friend. He is my only-one that can be beside me.
I wish Nana were here. But I know she has her life and I also know she will not always be right beside me… even though I didn't use to tell her about my problems, I was sure she will be there for me when I needed her. Now, without Taka, I will be really alone, alone… myself in solitude. I am afraid of the darkness of my soul, I am scared of solitude.
Those are the thoughts that hunt me while I walk on the street. I see trees and I see houses and I see the ground and stones. I see the cars running through the street. I see the sky with clouds covering it. I see the sun. In my head, I hear the song of The Beatles, 'Here comes the sun', 'Here comes the sun –nice day, it's alright, it's alright'.
I try to calm down and I take a deep breath. I shall be okay. Nothing bad shall happen. But while I whisper that to myself, I get more and more scared and terrified by my own thoughts, desires and prejudices. I feel sad –I do not want to lose Taka's friendship and I don't want to lose him. I was all alone in the world –and then Taka came. He came with that big smile of his and took me in his hands; he saved me from the mud. I do not love him only because he is here. I love him because he is here with me.
I sigh, again and realize I have arrived in front of the school-building. I was lost in my thoughts and did not realize I have arrived at my destination.
Dear world, I do not know what to do with my mouth right now because I do not feel it. I don't know if I look happy, sad, angry or as-usual, arrogant. I can't make anything out of myself today. I feel like I have changed a great good deal after last night. My heart is dizzy.
'Kuruuumi-chaaan!' I hear Kent's stupid voice and I look around –the blonde guy pisses me off even when I am in such a confusing mood.
'What do you want, chicken-head?' I reply while walking away from him. He smiles and starts talking nonsense, so I run away from him, fastening my steps and not looking beside myself. He is stupid and I am not in the mood for him today.
I wonder… I wonder how is Taka going to behave today… what is that he is going to do when he sees me? Will he hug me? Will he kiss me? Will he tell me anything, anything at all? I so want to see him… I so want to see his face, his smile and hear his encouraging words.
I think I need him.
I see Kazehaya in front of myself. He smiles and salutes me. I am in the class room (and I didn't even realize when I got in).
'Hello, Kazehaya' I say in reply while I want to go get a seat in my place. I am not in the mood to talk with him. For the first time in my life, I do not even stare at him, I barely give him an indifferent glance and go to my place. I do not care about him. I do not care whether he loves me or not – maybe I want him to like him, maybe what I felt for him was really deep and maybe it is still deep (but not today). Today I can only think about Taka, about his pale skin, his big hands, his beautiful green eyes… I can only think about his words and his voice. He is the only one I am in the mood for today.
The teacher comes in the class –Taka is not here yet. I cannot pay attention to the lesson. I think about him. I cannot do anything but thing about him. I raise my hand –the teacher asks me what happened because I do not look well at all. Well, that might be the answer to my question (how does my face look today) –it looks horribly, bad, it looks like I am not sad, but sick. I excuse myself and he says I should go to the infirmary. And I agree, knowing that is not the thing I will do.
I get out of the class and I feel rather dizzy. I cope up with my own self and go to the teacher's room – I knock at the door and someone tell me to enter.
'Good afternoon' I say in a slow voice and they all look strangely at me.
'Oh, Kurumizawa-san, what happened? You don't look really good…'
'I'm okay!' I reply and take a deep breath. 'Sorry, but can I get Uchida Rei's address? He hasn't come to school today either and I am quite worried about him…'
'You don't look good either –you should go to the infirmary or best… home! I will write you an excuse note and I will give you Uchida Rei's address' says the headmaster and I bow my head. I feel like I'm with the flu.
I thank and get out of the room. My cheeks are burning. My entire body is in fire.
I get out of the building, out of the school yard, wondering which way I should take, with the note of Taka's address in my hands…
Then I see him – I see him in front of myself. He looks as lost as I do and we both start laughing at each other. My heart is beating so fast that I am afraid I am going to lose it. Beats, beats, beats, beats… and it is killing my chest.
I do not know what to say. I do not know what to take out of this. He looks at me with those beautiful green eyes of his – he is beautiful, he has that great look on him, he is kind and has a great personality. I am rather stupid and I am bad, I always talk stupid to him. I shouldn't treat him this way. But this is my personality –and the fact that he accepts me the way I am is what made me… fall in love with him. Because I know now –standing in front of the school-building, with the wind flowing through my hair, that I have fallen in love with Uchida Rei, with Taka-chan. I am madly in love with him – what I have felt for Kazehaya was true, but still not fully-true. The one who loved him was that Kurumi who wanted everyone to like her, who was desperately alone and wanted love, wanted him to love her so much that she transformed in a horrible person. The one that loves Taka is Ume, the real me. And there is no turning back to that.
I have spent years loving Kazehaya. I'm not sorry of that – but it hurts thinking about how much a person can transform in order to be liked. I do not want to fake anymore… I want to be able to hug Taka without pretending I'm sweeter than I really am. The fact is that I am bad, I have a horrible personality and I like myself, I am arrogant, I am ego-maniac.
But I love Taka.
He looks at me – he is the sweetest thing I have ever met. He is not a thing, he is only him.
I do not know what to say. I feel tears burning my cheeks and I do not know how to stop them. Is like I am here, but I am not. And I see him walking towards me –with slow steps, his tall body moves. He has a sweet smile on his face and he embraces me.
What am I to make out of this? I don't know. But I keep my hands round him and my face buried in his shirt.
'Idiot, I really love you, you know… you'd better stay by my side forever, or else… I'm not going to forgive you …ever!'
Taka doesn't say anything for a moment, but hugs me really tight. Then, he takes my hand and we start walking on the street. The sun is burning on the sky (and I hear once again the song 'Here comes the sun' singing in my ears).
'I didn't know how to treat you at school today… I wondered and wondered… and I didn't sleep at all, last night. Ume, I… I really was your friend in the past, I believe, but not only a friend. I always loved you, I know that now. I loved you and I love you - with all you have, this bad personality, those horrible moods… I think them to be adorable. For me, you are the most adorable thing and I love holding your hand, kissing your forehead… I am dying to see you everyday.'
His voice is deep and gentle and my heart trembles. So I stop because I feel that I cannot move forward (my legs are shaking).
I look at him – his beautiful green eyes are smiling, his face is smiling.
He looks at me – thanks to him, the sun doesn't reache my eyes. He smiles. Our hearts beat so fast, we cannot control them. I feel his heart, my hand on his chest. I feel it beating faster and faster and faster. And I can see his face moving, I can see his lips getting closer and closer to my face, until they reach my face, my lips and he kisses me. The feeling –I can't express it in words. My heart –beating too fast I cannot count the bits on second. I forget how to breathe. My body is shaken by pleasure –so he embraces me and his lips are still kissing my lips.
I have not known happiness until now, I think to myself.
I am not worthy of it.
He looks at me. I look at him. I feel like I have the fever.
'Ume… hm, I think I'm going to faint. My heart is burning.'
That's what he says, making me smile. I will not make anything out of this. Let us tremble a little, let us get a grip after that and talk to one another. Right now we are not confused, but drunk because of so much love and happiness.
Tomorrow, I believe, we are going to get more accustomed to our kissing. But until then, I shall hold his hand and put my head on his shoulder (to be sure I'm not going to meet the ground due to the shaking of my legs).
We walk slowly on the street and we do not talk to each other. We are blushing. This is rather stupid, but I do not seem to care. I just walk on the street and I can feel the big smile I have on my face. Taka smiles as well. We are really stupid today.
Stupidly in love, that is.