Edge of Oblivion
He woke with a vicious jolt. Heart hammering so badly, he placed his hand over it as though to make sure it hadn't exploded from his chest. Dean took a long, deep breath. It had been two weeks now and the nightmare was the same. Every night, like some horrible record that kept repeating. Drilling a hole into his soul and tearing him apart from the inside out. He couldn't take this anymore.
Dean got up from the cot in Bobby's study and walked over to the near empty whiskey bottle. He drained the remaining bottle down to the last drop. The burn seeped into his throat. He needed that. He needed to feel something other than loss. Other than the anguish of losing his friend. Castiel's face haunted him. Every time he closed his eyes, he was there. Those brilliant blue eyes, vibrant and beautiful. It had been two weeks since they talked. Right there, in Bobby's house.
Cas said things that shook Dean to his core. Things that actually scared him. Because in that moment with Cas, Dean had realized he might have to kill him. He would have to shove a dagger through his heart in order to stop him. A sickness came over him, nearly crippling him when Cas vanished that night. He never experienced that before. The only word he could think of to describe it was- heartache.
Cas had broken his heart as if Dean was the girl he took to prom and then dumped the next day. They had been through Hell and back together and this was how their partnership- their friendship ended? He couldn't believe that, not at first. But as the days went on and the hours grew shorter, he realized that it was it. Cas wasn't coming back.
Dean feared that the next time he saw his angel, he would have to stab him through the heart. That's when the nightmares started. Each night was the same. He fell into a reluctant sleep, knowing what awaited him. Cas.
They were in the beautiful room in Van Ayes, California. It was like it always was, clean and immaculate. Dean was there, alone at first. The only weapon he had on him was an angel killing dagger. The same one he used to bring down Zachariah, that son-of-a-bitch that nearly killed him a year ago. But it wasn't Zachariah that appeared in the room with Dean- it was Cas. Always Cas.
The fluttering of angel wings would bring his gaze upwards to his angel. Castiel titled his head from across the room, his bright blue eyes fixed on him as he surveyed the weapon in his hand. His impenetrable face, passive and unreadable. Then, without warning, Cas attacked. They fought, usually with Dean ending up pressed against the wall, helpless and defeated. Cas out powered him. He even told Dean that he didn't stand a chance against him that night.
The hatred and intensity that burned in the eyes of his angel frightened him. He knew Cas would kill him. And he would do it so easily.
Dean would cry out to him, desperately trying to bring his friend back from this emotionless being. He would beg, plea… anything to break through that wall Cas had built to shut him out. He even told him the truth… through tears and the pain of his breaking heart, Dean would always tell Cas what he had felt from him since the beginning, 'Cas… I love you'.
But it didn't matter. Cas was gone. And once Dean finally realized this in the dream, the blade would magically appear in his hand, as if conquered up for him in that critical moment of life or death. Gripping the blade tightly, he would then stab Castiel through the heart. The blinding white life of Cas would shine throughout the room, paralyzing him against the wall as he watched his friend die.
And always, in that moment of Cas's downfall, their eyes would lock one last time. The Cas that he knew, trusted and most of all loved, would appear then. His eyes softening, his expression sad and lost as his light flickered from his vessel's body and he died… his black wings scorching the ground in one final taunt against Dean.
That's when the nightmare would end, bringing Dean to his knees in utter loss and desperation. The burn of the whiskey wasn't enough to cause the tears that now stung his eyes. Dean wiped them away passively, pretending they weren't there. Just like he usually did.
He walked back to the cot, tossing the empty bottle in the trash and succumbing to yet another sleepless night or another dark, twisted nightmare.
Dean awoke in the room. The same room, the beautiful angel room. He sighed and felt the angel dagger in the palm of his hand. He glanced down at it, the metallic steel of it glinting up at him, mockingly.
He glanced up to see Cas, dressed in his usual trench coat, suit and blue tie. The same color tie that seemed to match his gorgeous eyes. Dean sighed, knowing they were about to battle. He didn't want to, not again, but he knew it had to happen. It always did. Just like when he was in Hell. Another victim, another soul to torture. Except this time, it was Dean's soul being tortured and by his own dreams.
"C'mon Cas, I don't got all night. Let's do this and get it over with," Dean muttered, drawing the blade out in front of him, his stance sure and strong.
Cas's eyes flickered curiously over the blade and back to Dean. "I don't understand…"
"Shut-up and attack me, Cas. We've been dancing like this for two weeks now, don't go changin' it up on me. I've gotten pretty good at killin' you." Dean spat out.
"This is what you dream about?" Cas asked, hurt reflecting in his eyes. "Killing me?"
Dean hesitated, realizing that he was talking to Cas in his dream. He never talked to Cas in his nightmares, they always just fought. "Well, yeah. We throw down and I end up killing you."
Cas's head titled back as if he had just been sucker punched underneath his jaw. "I did not know you wished me dead, Dean."
"I don't," Dean answered honestly. "It's how the nightmare plays out."
A light of understanding dawned on Cas's stoic face. "A nightmare?"
Dean began relaxing his stance, realizing this nightmare was different. Though it didn't mean it couldn't go from bad to good in less than a nanosecond, so he cautioned himself. Besides, it was just another dream. He knew this now. "I don't enjoy killing you, Cas. Not in these nightmares- not ever." Dean heard his voice crack as he whispered, "I love you."
The version of Cas standing before him stared at him now in shock. Dean wasn't expecting that. His dagger wavered slightly and he lowered it, this was just another nightmare, he reassured himself. This wasn't his Cas- it never was his Cas.
"You love me?" Cas asked softly, seeming utterly confused.
"Not you," Dean clarified in a dangerously low voice. "I love the Cas that I knew. The one that pulled me outta Hell, saved my life countless times and the world with me. That's the angel I fell in love with." Dean felt the pain of his loss grip him again, almost bringing him to his knees. But he didn't waver. He had to be strong, no matter how hard it was. "Not you, not the one who wants me dead."
Cas stepped forward, moving closer to him but not attacking. Dean gripped the handle of the blade and held it before him, ready to strike, ready to throw down if he had to.
"Dean… I'm the one who rose you from Perdition and saved you. This is a dream- I came here to speak with you. I couldn't find you outside, in the world." Cas explained, his voice husky and sincere. "I want to talk…"
"What?" Dean asked, stepping backwards, but coming up short when his back reached the wall of the room. Was this really Cas? Or just another nightmare-ish version of his angel, taunting him? "How do I know it's really you? And not some sick version I made up of you in here?"
A shuddering breath wracked Cas's body, but he began to speak in his low, unearthly voice. "I last spoke to you at Bobby Singer's home, in his study. You said I had become part of your family…" he trailed off, as if he too were recalling a painful memory.
Dean suddenly gasped for breath, realizing he had been holding it. His fingers felt numb around the blade within his grip. Dean knew he could never really kill Cas- not his angel, not the one he'd fallen in love with.
"Cas…?" he asked weakly. "Is it really you?"
"Yes." Cas paused, stepping closer, his hand reaching out to stroke the side of Dean's cheek. Dean felt his whole body respond with that simple touch. It was if Cas had lit a match to the smoldering embers that simmered beneath the surface for far too long between them and ignited it. Dean shuddered and pushed his face into his hand.
"You must hate me," Cas said with haunted eyes.
Dean turned his face from his palm, "I don't hate you, Cas." He whispered gruffly, his emotions starting to compromise him.
After a moment, Cas asked, "Did you mean what you said eariler, Dean?" His voice so low and guttural, Dean shivered.
"That you love me?" He asked with such desperation and need, that Dean felt his heart shatter. He loved him and yet they were about to pull the whole world down around them. But in this precious moment, that didn't matter anymore. What mattered, was the feelings stirring inside him with such fury, he needed to release.
"Yes, God – yes, Cas. I love you so bad it hurts," he whispered and pushed himself onto the angel, heart hammering in his chest, mind wild with possibilities and body reaching out with blatant desire. He sought Cas's full, lush lips within his own and devoured him. He whimpered, feeling the warm heat of the man he had craved for more than a year now and finally being able to taste him.
Cas pulled away, shoving him into the wall behind him. "Wait… Dean, we can't."
Dean trembled beneath his strength. "I don't care anymore, Cas." He said desperately. "All I want is you… it's all I ever wanted. I'm done fighting this. I'm just done." He let the helplessness of his emotions clog his words as he spoke only the truth to the real Cas before him.
Cas's eyes grew somber as he studied his face, his lips only a breath apart. Dean felt his heart race and pulse pound. The anticipation and hope of Cas giving in and giving him what he needed, which was him, was overwhelming. But he resisted the urge to reach out and take again. Cas had to want this too. He had to want him. Love or not, it didn't matter to him.
"Take me and do what you will, Cas." His eyes roamed over the beautiful features of his angel. His dark, windswept hair that Dean found himself aching to run his hands through. His luscious lips and tantalizing soft skin, but most of all, Cas's amazingly bright blue eyes. Dean felt his fingers itch to bury them through his hair as he rasped out, "kill me if you want…"
Something within Cas must have snapped. Dean watched in awe as Cas's usually knowing and hard features changed to uncertainty, pain, anger and then… hunger. His heart soared. Cas wanted him. The passion in his eyes were undeniable.
"Cas…" he pleaded, "Kiss me, please."
Cas succumbed and tentatively moved in and captured his aching lips. It was soft and unsure. He let Cas discover him, slowly, tenderly. He melted against him, sliding from the wall and into the powerful angel. Cas took him more greedily now, feeling his resistance slip away. Dean wanted to hold him and cherish him. He wanted to revel in the man who had his whole heart.
The kiss suddenly became heated. Happiness and hope bled into his desire seamlessly as he plundered Cas's mouth, especially when he opened to his kiss. Dean needed to touch him, taste him and remind himself of everything they once had, the beauty and strength of their friendship. He finally let his hand rush through his soft, messy hair and grip the back of his neck, pivoting his lips in a different angle to capture more of Cas's willing mouth.
He heard Cas whimper and felt him tremble beneath his embrace, which sent a shudder of excitement coursing through him, wanting to hear his angel weak with the desire he felt.
But Dean needed a large bed for that. One in which he could lay Cas down and slowly, gently make love to until Cas was trembling for release. Suddenly the room shifted around them. Cas broke from the kiss, startled. Dean, dazed from their marathon kiss, watched the room shift into a bedroom. He smirked, feeling his manhood start to burn between his legs. The bed was exactly like he imagined, big and comfy. Perfect for some angel cake.
Hungrily, he grabbed Cas's face and turned him into another scorching kiss, taking and taking. Cas blindly let Dean push him backwards towards the bed. Together, hands frantic over each other's bodies, they began stripping their clothes. Dean chuckled when Cas impatiently tore his shirt off, shredding it to pieces. He quickly unbuckled his belt and jeans, Cas doing the same with his suit. After a moment of hard panting and the sound of rustling clothes, they stood naked before each other. Dean reached out instantly, grabbing his angel and pulling him in his embrace. Cas's body was hard and lean from head to toe. He radiated strength and power. Dean wanted to taste that.
They fell backwards onto the bed, their legs tangling and bodies sliding on top of each other. Dean arched his back when he felt Cas's hard cock brush against his stomach. The building tension that surrounded his manhood now throbbed almost painfully. His jaw flexed as buried his face into Cas's neck, biting down on his skin and jerking his hips forward, their cocks touching and branding each other. Cas gasped, gripping Dean's shoulders, rocking himself forward mindlessly. Clutching onto each other, they both pushed into the warmth of their bodies, panting, straining and moaning.
Unable to bear it any longer, Dean flipped Cas onto his back, running his hand over his unscarred chest and down to his groin. He watched in amazement as Cas bit his lower lip, his beautiful eyes shutting tightly, burying his head into the pillow as he pushed his cock forward into Dean. He felt a smile tug at his lips as he taunted Cas, touching his thighs, brushing his knuckles over his thick shaft, but never quiet grasping him. Cas's eyes finally shot open, desperate. "Dean…" he hissed out, arching his back hopelessly.
Dean licked his lips and took his lips, slowly and thoroughly kissing the hell outta him. He waited until Cas writhed uncontrollably beneath him before finally taking hold of his hard cock and stroking him. He listened to the sweet sounds of Cas, crying out his name against his lips as his hips bucked forward. Dean stroked the length of him, over and over until Cas stood on the edge of oblivion with him. Hearing Cas moan and seeing him hungry and needy for him made Dean's own cock become unbearably hard, sending his blood into full roar.
He gritted his teeth and decided he had enough foreplay. He needed to feel all of Cas.
He lowered himself under him, shifting his leg up and positioning himself on top. Cas let him, as Dean continued to toy with his cock, pressing the length of him into his palm roughly. He didn't want to hurt Cas and this might be rough for the angel, especially with Dean's cock brimming so hard with love. He really needed some lube, he thought dully and suddenly it was right in his hand and he almost laughed in shock. He quickly rubbed it over the length of his shaft, nearly causing his undoing since he was so close to release. His hips even pumped forward, making him grit down.
Finally, Dean was ready and looked over his angel. He breathed out a hiss when their eyes locked. Damn, he thought, his heart expanding painfully in his chest, he loved him. He bent and kissed him, putting everything he had in the kiss. Cas responded instantly, gripping the back of his neck, pushing his tongue into his mouth. Dean whimpered, loving the feel of Cas taking control as they devoured each other. Unable to stop himself, Dean pushed forward and into him. Cas jerked in pain at first. But Dean continued to kiss him, afraid if he stopped now, he would shatter.
He pushed further until Cas let out a surprised gasp, his lips stilling on Dean's.
Heart in his throat, Dean paused, "Are you okay?"
"No… you keep stopping…" Cas rasped out.
That was all Dean needed to hear as he nearly laughed in utter happiness but instead he drove into him. Cas cried out his name as Dean pumped into him madly. He pushed harder and faster with each thrust, wanting to reach oblivion with his angel wrapped in his arms. The hot tension built, becoming a delicious pressure at the tip of his cock. He pounded harder, Cas gripping ferociously to him, moaning wantonly. Cas felt perfect. So tight and hot. He closed his eyes, letting himself become engulfed in the flames of their passion. He had wanted this for so long… he had wanted Cas just like this, moaning his name, trembling beneath him…
The heat surged inside him until he feared he wouldn't last another minute. Cas suddenly shattered between them, the warmth of his explosion and the spasms of his body was so beautiful that Dean could not hold back any longer. With one last deep thrust, he spilled inside of him, uttering a cry of purest joy.
"Cas…" he croaked out, falling on top of him, spent.
Cas still shook from the aftermath of their lovemaking. "I've never felt that before…" he whispered.
Dean felt a tug of a smile on his lips as he kissed the side of Cas's warm neck. His lips touching the pounding pulse within. Cas was his now. From now on until forever.
After a few moments, Dean pulled out and rolled to the side. He had just touched Heaven, he thought in awe. This was his Heaven. The nightmares of the past few weeks had faded away. Nothing mattered expect what lay besides him. He glanced over to Cas and saw the angel staring at him, curious.
"What are you thinking?" Cas asked, his hand stroking the top of Dean's chest.
Dean felt a sudden sadness tug at his heart strings. As much as he wanted this moment to last forever, he knew that this was still just a dream and when he woke up, Cas wouldn't be there. Cas would be with Crowley, hunting for souls and fighting a war in Heaven with them. Cas worked with a demon now and that hurt more than words could describe to Dean.
"That loving you was never a blessing…" Dean said honestly, wanting him to know how much pain he felt at his betrayal. He didn't want to fight. He didn't want to go to war with his angel. Not Cas- never. It was too difficult to imagine.
"It was for me," Cas replied, his eyes darkening.
"Was?" Dean breathed out.
Cas moved forward, sitting up to look down on him. His expression reflecting the same hurt he felt. "After that night, Dean… I thought…" he looked away, his hand fisting into his chest.
Dean grabbed his hand and sat up, gazing into him. "That doesn't matter, Cas. If what we had here makes any difference- then just stop. Do it for me." He could only hope that Cas made the right decision now, that what they shared would make him realize that he was about to throw away something special. Cas knew the truth now. He knew that he loved him. So it was up to him to decide if this had a happy ending. Or if he would force Dean into something that would be painful for both of them that it would have to end bloody.
Cas's blue eyes locked with his, his words deafening. "I can't Dean."
"Don't say that, Cas." Dean growled.
"You know I can't stop, it's too late." Cas pulled his hand free from his and turned away.
Dean refused to let give him up without a fight. He grabbed Cas around the waist with a steel arm, trapping his body against his. He breathed into his neck as he hissed out, "Why can't loving you be enough, Cas?"
He felt the angel shudder underneath his arm and suddenly, without a word Cas vanished.
Dean's arm fell away to nothing. His heart wrenched devastatingly in his chest. Suddenly the room shook violently all around him and darkness descended on Dean.
He woke with another hard jolt. Dazed, he sat up on the cot, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He glanced around the empty room, the morning light barely filling the dark corners.
A sudden surge of overwhelming sorrow gripped his insides. Dean groaned into his hands as he buried his face into them, wishing he had done more, wishing Cas had choose him and not the war. After what they shared in the dream, Cas still denied him. He felt the tears burn behind his eyes. His body wracked out a sob. Damnit, Cas, he thought furiously. Why did he still love that feathery winged idiot, after what he just did?
If anything, Dean wondered if this dream, finally getting his night with Cas, had really been a nightmare after all.
**I wrote this after watching the episode "The Man Who Would Be King". There was soooo much sexual subtext that i had to write something! Hope you enjoyed my tormented/anguished Dean/Cas love story. I don't usually like writing these kinds of love stories- the emo kind- but after that episode i had to write! I just couldn't wait for the next episode. BTW - Cas is not allowed to go darkside. I refuse to even accept that. Plz comment & review! Shout out to all my Supernatural fanfiction friends out there- hope u guyz liked this one!