Existence

Time goddess spins the thread

Round and round the spiral loom

I sat by the window, silently watching the kids rushing to the streets. Chatters, laughters, those sounds of life filled the space, however, they could not fill the hole I have been keeping in my soul for milennia, the hole I know so well that no other than you could. How many years have passed, I no longer remember. Time ceased the day you stepped into the cycle of rebirth, leaving me alone in this world like a damned undead. It was a real shame that even Ragnarok could not bring an end to my existence. A new world was born and I am the only thing belonged to the forgotten one. Lost. If only the cycle of rebirth could have accepted me. But no. A half-elf, an Einherjar, a god and now an undead, fate has never treated me with kindness. If only I could have followed you then there might a chance for us to start all over again. To the beginning of everything.

I had always been alone. Loneliness had been the only companion I trusted beside my bow. And then, you came across my life. Suddenly, I was surrounded with many people. I had to admit that at first, I wasn't really comfortable with the fact that I was not alone anymore. I had companions. Moreover, I had friends. It was good to know in battles, there was always someone to watch my back.

Before I met you, the only feelings I had ever experienced were anger and hatred. Hatred of the woman who had given birth to me. Hatred of the god who owned my body and soul, things supposed to be mine and mine alone. Hatred of my own existence. Then, with you and our friends, I experienced more. Happiness, dismay, trust and even betrayal. Those feelings, though weren't always delightful, completed me. I was more human than I had ever been. The gods said that humans were weak, vulnerable creatures, easily controlled by emotions but I would say I was proud to be one.

There were other things that I experienced. One was love, or that was how humans called it. The day your hand touched mine, that feeling slowly assaulted my heart. It pained me to see such a small and soft hand to wield a sword, to soak with blood. For the first time in my life, I felt pain for someone's sake, not for mine. Also for the first time in my life, my heart started defrosting. It was all because of you, dear princess.

Even in the dark cave of Surt, your eyes shone brilliantly with innocence, they made me feel guilty for blaming my own suffering on you, not concerning the fact that you were also tormented as much as I was. We were both victims to the selfishness of the gods, living with a constant fear of our souls fading away. But we were different. I shut my heart tight, being a cynics chewing on my own bitterness while you offered others with utmost trust and sincerity. And because of that, I wanted to protect you even if it cost my life. Death wasn't something big, you know. It and living with no hope of rebirth was the same. But no. My princess was so strong that she never allowed me to be a hero for once. You took all for yourself. Sacrificed your life to save the world, to save others. In the end, you saved my life. Why did you save me ? The only reason I wanted to live was that I could live with you and you alone. Silmeria must have told you several times, an Einherjar's sole existence was to serve his goddess Valkyrie. Should I keep on living with the shame of not being able to protect my Valkyrie ?

In my darkest dream, I want to touch you, to love you with my heart and body. Call me a pervert if you want and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Whenever I manage to do so, your image shatters like a broken mirror before my fingers can even reach you. Shards of you tear my skin and pain wakes me up to the reality : I have lost you, for real and for all of eternity.

Millennia have passed. This world was no longer the world you had sacrificed your life to protect. Guns replaced swords and bows. What humans can do today have exceeded even the wildest imagination of Odin. Sometimes I wish that old geezer was alive so he could see how his 'weak and vulnerable' have evolved to surpass the arrogant gods. That look on his face must be priceless indeed. Magic was lost but humans seem to have no need for it. They were long independent of gods, and so, their belief in gods ceased. Whether the path they have chosen will lead them to heaven or hell, a forgotten god as myself can't do anything about it.

I have been living all these years like an undead, unable to age, unable to die, unable to live a life of a human. I have been wondering the world with no hope, no intention. I once thought that the cycle of rebirth would have generously accepted me after I had fulfilled your final wish. Fate could be really cruel, sometimes. It would have been better if we had both died by Odin's hand. At least, we wouldn't have died alone.

With no need to eat, no need to sleep, my journey around the world seems endless. Hiding my hair and ears under a thick cloak, I hide away what I truly am. How many years have passed since I last looked at my reflection, I cannot recall. The faces of those who once traveled with us are now a bunch of blur visions. Time has slowly erased my memories, as a cost of being undead. Only you remain vivid. Your face, your eyes, your scent, your smile and your tears… everything remains clear as if you are here, by my side. But I fear that one day, they will share the same fate as others. That is when I become a true undead, a hollow shell with no soul, no emotions. Who will be the one to end my useless existence ?

That little girl has your face. Big, blue eyes. Silky golden hair which my fingers long to touch. I know that your soul still exists somewhere inside that body. The soul is immortal and that is how I have comforted myself that you have never died. You were, are and will be living a happy life because that is what you deserve. You will live happily without knowing that I will always be watching you from far, far away.

I wonder that somewhere in your soul, your mind, the memories of us still exist or they have vanished like the old world we belonged. I was once urged with the thought of seeing you like I have done with millions of your other reincarnation. I wanted to try but fear stopped me again. I feared that I would destroy the harmony of your life. That was a small fear. The big fear was you would reject me, not remembering who and what I am to you. I was afraid our love would not be strong enough to exist against the merciless flow of time and fate. Silmeria would have laughed at stupid thought. But she never knew I have been constantly envious and jealous of her. Envious of her calm and collected attitude toward any situations. Jealous of her place in your heart compared to mine. Silmeria and you, fate has bound you eternally. If it hadn't been because of her, you would never have existed and we would never have met. If it hadn't been because of her, you would never have possessed the power to save me and I would have ended up being a nameless wraith instead of king of gods. I owe her my existence and yet, I bear such ill thoughts against her. How stupid of me !

I stood up and walked out of my shelter. It was raining heavily outside. The rain soaked me from head to toe. I felt cold all of sudden. This sensation, which I thought to have been long forgotten, now emerged. And because of that, I knew that I still existed. But what does existence mean to someone who will never die ? Of all the years of wandering, I finally realize that existence is only valuable when someone has to face aging and death. I am unable to age or die, will that make my existence a complete nonsense ?

Rain will stop, wet clothes will soon dry but what will bring back the meaning of my existence ?

The rain stopped suddenly as the little girl put an umbrella in my hand before rushing to her awaiting friends. Not a single word was exchanged, all she did was smiling at me. Just for a moment, I thought I saw you. Still a kind and innocent girl like the beautiful princess I had met at Solde. Time changed everything, even me but it spared your soul and heart. You will remain the strong and beautiful princess of Dipan forever, no matter how many times the cycle of rebirth welcomes you. And I will remain the man who love and protect her forever. Not as a half-elf, not as an Einherjar or a god but simply a man. Because in that smile, I have found the answer.

The true meaning of my existence is to love, to protect and to wait for you till the day Sun stops shining on my body.

For you, I shall live my life, the life that you gave me.

And for you, I shall overcome my destiny.

You have my word for that.

End