First fic. Please enjoy! From the lj community cg_adopt_bunny, as requested by otakukeith.
Also – my knowledge of history/general facts/life is a cool zero. A cooooooooool zero. That includes politics, by the way, so if there's any political intrigue later on… it's all from my head, folks.
Haruhi of the Rebellion
"So, that's why you should never have unprotected sex." The man, finished with his spiel, nervously stepped back and nodded to Ms. Ochi. Ms. Ochi stepped up and smiled like she couldn't hear the whispers and giggles coming from the audience, and unfortunately, from a particular brown-haired girl right beside me.
Be quiet! This is no laughing matter!
Of course, Haruhi being Haruhi, only sniggers even louder. God, this corner of the assembly is getting stares now, especially from that guy with AIDS who seems to have his head hung even lower.
Seeing as I can't do anything to stop it, I tune in to what Ms. Ochi is saying. "It's true!" she says to a student. "AIDS can be transmitted not only through semen but also blood, however, the chances of that happening is much lower. Other paths include from the mother to the fetus, and intravenous needles."
Another person raises their hand. Oh, the person looks familiar. It's Taniguchi. Hopefully he won't say something stupid and embarrass our school, but knowing how much of a dolt he is, I don't have very high hopes.
…What? The man is looking at Taniguchi like he just grew three heads. Haruhi stopped laughing for a few minutes there but now the giggles are coming back at full force. Why is so funny to you? Can't you at least have some sympathy for the guest speaker?
Kunikuda hides his face and edges away from Taniguchi, who is still ignorantly smiling. Kunikuda, I understand how you feel, I would do the exact same were I in your position. No, I would most likely lean further and further into my seat and quietly slip out, so as to not witness any further displays of idiocy from that fool.
Ms. Ochi replies to break the awkward silence, and not too happily either, "No, AIDS is most certainly not a government conspiracy. I don't know where you heard that from, but AIDS exists and has wrecked the lives of millions. In fact, considering the staggering medical bills and the amount of workers out of commission, if AIDS were to be a conspiracy, it would be a very poor one indeed."
On that note the bell rings, and the man and Ms. Ochi say the regulatory goodbye, it was nice to be here, blah blah blah. I sigh and ready myself to walk towards the general direction of Taniguchi, hoping to give him a lesson on tact and maybe suggest that he sign up to be on the cast of Jersey Shore, since his IQ seems to match the average of the characters on that show. Which of course, I don't watch. Ahem.
But before I can lecture Taniguchi, or before I can even stand up, a hand suddenly shoots out to grab my wrist. I look to my left, predictably, to see Haruhi with her eyes shining like she's had a major religious epiphany. Wait, a major religious epiphany? That can't be good.
Ouch! Suddenly my wrist burns with the intensity of a 1000 watt lightbulb. Haruhi's iron, vise-like grip drags me out of the soft chair and into the aisle. She marches on like she has a purpose, but hopefully she doesn't, because a Haruhi with a purpose is a scary Haruhi.
"Kyon!" She stops and turns around, jerking my wrist in the process. I wince. What?
"I've never thought about it before. But what if it's all a conspiracy?" Her eyes are blazing now and she's got a huge grin on her face. No, no, Haruhi, conspiracies are bad – Wait. You can't possibly believe Taniguchi, can you? If you do, you're a much bigger dunce than I'd previously thought.
"Haruhi, are you talking about AIDS or," I forced my wrist out of her hand and made a swimmy swishy gesture, "or are you just talking about the world in general?" When I say swimmy swishy gesture, I meant the kind of gesture Haruhi makes when she tries to communicate secret signals to Mikuru, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, watch the video of North High's ball game last year. If I recall correctly, it should be on Youtube, and all the females were in these amazing cheerleader getups…
"Both! Don't you think, Kyon," and she starts walking up again, distracting me from my previous thought, "that the government has the power and the resources to make us believe anything they wanted? Who knows! AIDS might not exist. Our diseases could all be manmade. Health insurance is a fraud! America never landed on the moon! Hey, Kyon, Japan could be the first then!"
Uh oh. She was on a roll.
"Osama bin Laden never died! Hussein never died! Elvis never died!"
How did she go from bin Laden to Elvis? And what kind of gain would any government get from Elvis anyway? Sorry Haruhi, but –
"The world is ruled by one ruler! The world is flat! Obama is white! Obama is a cactus!" she posited with a dramatic sweep of her arms. Oh god. This volatile girl is a nightmare come true. As she is completely unaware that if she really wanted to, any one of these crazy theories could become real, I have somehow turn her thoughts around. Level five danger, must rectify situation –
"Haruhi!" I said the first thing that pops into my mind. "Where is your faith in the Japanese government?" Wrong tack. I should have steered clear from anything concerning the government, but I'm not too good thinking under stress. No matter, I'd just follow through. "They'd led us through thick and thin. Look how rationally they dealt with World War II. And - Naoto Kan! He's a very able prime minister, right?" Hopefully Haruhi had been sleeping during our recent History classes.
"And just think," I take a deep breath, and praying there were no recorders in this room, launch into the national anthem, "May the reign of the Emperor continue for a thousand, nay, eight thousand generations…"
Oddly enough, Haruhi quietly looked at me as I fervently lectured her on the greatness of our government. I stopped singing and took a breath, relieved. Last time she'd looked at me like that, she'd sullenly agreed to deleting Mikuru's photos on the club computer. I figured I was in the clear now. But honestly, where did she get that cactus idea from –
"Kyon." Her voice has turned a little melancholy, if I'm not mistaken. I looked up, surprised. She still had that same spark in her eyes, but at least now she was speaking rationally. Yes, I know she's only said one word but it's a rational word, plus it's Haruhi we're dealing with here so expectations of rationality must be lowered. Drastically lowered.
"I agree. The Japanese government has never failed us, not once!" She nods and pumps her hand enthusiastically. Covertly I sigh again in even greater relief. Haruhi, you're not really that ignorant, are you? You just conveniently managed to forget Pearl Harbor, the rape of Nanking, and the second Sino-Japanese war…
Oh? Seems like Haruhi's getting excited again. Better listen.
"That's why we must protect our government from the evil clutches of Obama the Antichrist."
She began to pace up and down the stairs. I wasn't too worried now since her voice was a little softer, and there's this handy correlation between the volume of her voice and the amount of universe havoc produced. Itsuki gave me a graph some time ago on that. Normally I would've just chucked anything that guy gave me into the trash, but it turned out to be very useful. I stow it under my pillow and use it every time Haruhi calls me.
Quickly I checked to see that the auditorium was empty and yup, everyone had left long ago. Lucky them.
"Obama the Antichrist? That's going a bit far, isn't it?"
"Not at all. Kyon, they're planning to enslave everyone. The Russians, the Europeans, the Aboriginals…" She leaned in to peer into my eyes. Unnerved, I tried to take a step back but yelled as I fell flat on my butt on the staircase. Ouch.
She didn't even blink. "Even the Japanese," she declared, and then straightened her back as I glared at her.
Haruhi grew quiet and seemed to mull over what she just said. Yes, please, Haruhi, do some thinking. Realize that there are no government conspiracies and just resign yourself to an ordinary, everyday life, preferably without aliens, time travelers, and espers. That would be for the best. Not only for you but also for me, and my stinging buttocks.
Instead, Haruhi says, "Kyon, we'll talk about it tomorrow with the whole of the SOS brigade. Such an important topic demands thinking. I'll think. I'll sleep on it." And with that she swishes out of auditorium.
I groan, and slowly raise myself up with my palms. Next thing you know she'll be making some underground resistance group, with a lame title like "The White Rooks" too. Good grief.
The next morning nothing unusual happened. I ate some toast and said bye to my sis, who keeps on growing taller and taller. Well, I can't have that happening. Maybe I should stop buying milk on my weekly convenience store runs.
As I'm walking to school, I sense a presence behind me. I turn around, thinking it's maybe Taniguchi and Kunikida, but no, it's the alien Nagato. As quiet as ever.
"Hey, Nagato. Nice weather, huh?"
She gave a minute nod and I slowed down so that we could walk together. Despite how emotionless she might seem, I always make sure to treat her just as well as any other friend. Obviously I care for the silent bibliophile of the SOS brigade, plus I still can't forget the other universe and the way she acted then – no, the way she really was then.
Deep in my thoughts, I didn't notice Nagato stopping at a corner until she called out. "Kyon."
"Hmm?" I walked back. "What's up?"
She paused momentarily, then replied, "An important fault in the universe will soon occur."
Chills ran up my spine. It seemed like the birds stopped singing at that very moment, and the world shrunk to just me and Yuki.
"A fault? Are you talking about a parallel world?"
"Yes." Nagato walked on, oblivious to my expression.
"Wait! Nagato – isn't there anything we can do to stop it?" She turns around once again.
"No. This is a predetermined action."
"Does Koizumi know?"
"How about Mikuru?"
"She will be alerted shortly."
And with that, we reached school just as the bell rang.
I couldn't pay attention in any of my morning classes. Not that I usually do, but this time, I had extremely pressing thoughts on my mind. Namely, that of the upcoming fault. Would Haruhi create a parallel universe based on her wishes? Or would everyone be thrown into a preexisting alternate dimension? Why didn't Koizumi know? Was Nagato calm because she knew how the "fault" would end up, or was it just her usual personality?
Each question led to more questions like a neverending riddle. By lunchtime, my brain felt like it had been meticulously taken apart by a surgeon and put together in all the wrong places. As usual, I headed over to Taniguchi and Kunikida, who were already eating and discussing yesterday's assembly.
"That was still no excuse for what you said," Kunikida mumbled through a mouthful of rice. He finished swallowing and repeated himself.
Taniguchi scratched his head and smiled. "How was I supposed to know? It seemed like a good question at the time."
I took out my bento and unwrapped the covering, revealing a nicely prepared eel over rice. There was also a carton of natto. Blessed be natto. I popped the Styrofoam lid and the reassuring smell of musty socks and soy filled the room.
"Oooh, Kyon, that eel looks pretty good," leered Taniguchi as he reached over with his chopsticks.
I lifted the lunch box and glared at him. "Kunikida's right. What were you thinking? The guy told us about his most private fears and you decided to mock him by saying they didn't even exist." Sometimes I wonder why I'm even friends with him.
"Well, I already told you. But don't you think – it might be a government conspiracy, right? Right?" Taniguchi wiggled his eyebrows and gulped down the last of his orange juice, finishing with a content "Ahh".
Really, Taniguchi and Haruhi are one of the same mold. Wait. Haruhi. Oh no. I vaguely recall her telling me during Math that the SOS club would be meeting at the beginning of lunchtime today. Knowing her, some sort of punishment should be waiting for me now, probably including the extortion of my precious money. Looking up at the clock, I see that it's not too late, so I scarf down the rest of my meal and hurry at record speed to the clubroom.
When I get there, I first knock politely. Though I would love to see the lovely Asahina down to her underwear, it is now a question of morality. Plus, with Koizumi around, I have to up my 'gentleman' dial.
The door bangs open and I am shocked for the second time today. No, not by the door, just by –
"Come in, comrade." It looks like Haruhi joined the military overnight.