AN~ I was asked to pull a random pairing out of the SG universe and write a oneshot about it, and this is what I came up with. I may just have invented the weirdest pairing in this category. Please only review negatively about the writing quality, not the subject matter, because it's really just a crack!pairing.

On another note: I've noticed that a lot of my fics tend to share some universal characteristics, like Sabrina's fondness for rooftops, Puck and Mustardseed being twins, fairies not getting their wings 'til they hit puberty, and the existence of a second fairy kingdom, the Fae. Now I'm adding this pairing to the list of my personal fan-verse peculiarities.

Disclaimer: Do you really think Michael Buckley would ever, ever pair Nottingham and the Little Mermaid together? 'Cause that's kind of ridiculous.


Nottingham was out converting. It was not his favorite job. He routinely got doors slammed in his face, or yelled at, or other such things, all irritating. It was a small consolation that those people soon after had their houses destroyed, or lost their jobs, or even died. And he was in an even worse mood than usual because this time he was visiting the Little Mermaid.

"Why me?" he muttered. "Everyone knows she's crazy. Nobody else has to go convert insane merpeople. Here I am, the most loyal supporter the Hand's got, and what do they do? Send me to go swimming. Swimming! I hate water! What do we need them for, anyway? This is a land battle, not an ocean one! Merfolk are completely unnecessary. Especially ones with breakup issues! She's not sane. And the rest of them are half mad, too, living with her. I don't want to do this!"

He sighed, because he had to, if he wanted to live, and went on his way, approaching the river resignedly. Once there, he pulled out his fishing line and sat down on the cold riverbank to wait for the fish to bite, as it always did.

...Eventually.

By the time the Sheriff finally felt a tug on his line, his behind was freezing and soaked, and he was in a worse mood than before.

"Hurry up, you stupid fish," he muttered.

"Excuse me."

The Sheriff jumped, and saw that the fish was on the end of his line.

"Sorry," he apologized. "I guess my hand went numb or something. No offense meant. Whatsoever."

"Whatever," the fish managed to roll his eyes, despite his physical limitations, and said, "Just make the wish already."

"I wish I could breathe under water," the Sheriff said.

And he could. As a result, of course, he couldn't breathe air anymore, but he was two inches from the river anyway, so he simply jumped in and that was that.

Except for the fact that the water was absolutely freezing, and he was pretty sure some of his extremities were likely to fall off sometime soon. In hopes that the merfolk would have some sort of heating system, he swam as fast as he could for their castle.

Well before he reached it, an army of mermen surrounded him. He'd expected that, though, and was prepared.

"Take me to your queen," he said, giving them a signal which, to merfolk, mean he was a friend. "I have a prospect that she'd do best not to ignore."

The merfolk obliged, but they were a little rougher than he'd have liked. He arrived in the underwater castle a little bruised, and ignored the screams from the crustacean's room, determined to get this over with as soon as possible so that he could just go home and get warm.

"Excuse me, miss?" He corrected himself, "I mean, your majesty?"

She looked up at him, beginning to scowl, then almost smiled. "And who are you, handsome?"

"The Sheriff of Nottingham at your service, princess." The Sherriff bowed. "I've come to speak to you about the Scarlet Hand."

"The... what?" The Little Mermaid blinked at him.

"The Scarlet Hand," Nottingham repeated. "It's a group of Everafters who believe that we should be free of Ferryport Landing and rule over humans instead of hiding from them. After all, we're obviously superior."

"I was in love with a human," The Little Mermaid said.

"Exactly!" Nottingham said. "Look what he did to you! He dumped you for some other girl! How could he do that to such a beautiful woman?"

The Little Mermaid, who had begun to look angry, stopped abruptly. "You... you think I'm beautiful?" she asked, staring at him.

Nottingham was taken aback. Had he actually said that? But... now that he thought about it... "Yes," he told her. "It's not a traditional beauty, but... Well, I've always been attracted to large women, and you're... well." He shrugged with a smile. "I've never seen anyone like you. In a good way."

"Thank you." She smiled at him, a big, genuine smile, and at that moment he saw a glimpse of the beauty that had made men fall at her feet, back before she was broken.

"You're welcome." He smiled at her, and his smile, too, was genuine, with no trace of his usual sneer.

They floated that way for a full minute, just staring at each other, smiling, before Nottingham cleared his throat.

"Yes, well, I suppose we should discuss that proposal I have for you."

"Yes," the Little Mermaid said. "Right. Get on with it, then."

"Well." Nottingham cleared his throat again. "I think you should join the Scarlet Hand. I, for one, would greatly appreciate having you as a member. We're trying to put humans in their places and get ourselves out of Ferryport Landing, though not necessarily in that order. Are you interested?"

"I shall join," the Little Mermaid said firmly, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, "on one condition."

"What's that?" Nottingham asked, half anxious, half excited.

"You have to be the one I speak with," she said. "I will deal with no one but you."

Nottingham looked at her, then nodded without breaking eye contact. "I will relay this information to my employer. We should have no problem meeting your condition."

They both stared at each other for a time, then Nottingham left, wondering if this was the start of something new.