Summary: Castiel considers his actions as of late and also what it may come down to doing if Purgatory isn't found soon. / Brooding!Castiel
Tags/Warnings: This is tagged to 7:20 The Man Who Would Be King and may contain spoilers so if you haven't watched it yet don't read this until you do.
Characters: Castiel with mention of Dean and Sam, no pairings since I don't do that.
Disclaimers:I don't own 'em, just writing for the fun of it…and to relieve stress of the next two weeks.
Author's Note: I wrote this to sort of go along with my other piece, Trust Me, but that doesn't have to be read to get this one since this is purely from Cas's POV. To all the Cas fans out there, I really am trying to keep an open mind for this and give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I tried to do that in this one but writing in Cas's POV is not the easiest.
SPN SPN SPN SPN SPN
I'm asking you, Father, one last time. Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me, you have to give me a sign. Give me a sign. Because if you don't, I'm gonna do whatever I must.
These are the words I spoke to a Father that I hadn't even seen or heard from in…well, I believe Moses had parted the Red Sea the last time. I was a solder in the Garrison and I followed orders without question. I believed that was how a loyal son should be and I knew how Lucifer had fallen. I didn't understand why one of us would want to question His will…until I met them.
Loyalty and dedication were what I was taught and I believed with all my might. Not once did I even question that perhaps not all my orders were coming from God. It didn't matter to me where they came from until I met…him.
Upon being sent into the Pit to retrieve a fallen human soul I was honestly shocked. No one had defied the rules to go into Hell just for one man's soul and it wasn't until I personally came face to face with Dean Winchester that I began to understand why he'd managed to survive forty years of the most brutal torture and humiliation known to even us. It wasn't for many months later that I came to understand why he and his brother were so vital to…the plan.
I watched Dean and Sam as they struggled to stop Seals from being broke that had already been broken. I guided as much as I could while silently seeing the wedge being pushed between two brothers that had once been so close and I…found myself wanting to stop it.
I had quickly, upon Uriel's betrayal, come to understand the length of Zachariah's ultimate plan but he was my superior and I believed that Angels would always know better than mortals…until I was given the order to release Sam from the Panic Room the first time Dean tried to purge his brother of the demon blood that was poisoning his mind and that would allow Lucifer easier access to a soul so pure it even hurt an Angel to look at him.
I'd been content to follow Zachariah's lead…until I realized he'd messed up the message Dean left for Sam. It was that message that pushed Sam over the edge and right into Lilth's and Ruby's waiting arms. That night I came to understand what Dean had been telling me all the time.
This wasn't God's path…this wasn't the path he wanted the world set on and so I betrayed my brethen, my brothers and sisters and sided with Dean and Sam in what I assumed when would be a losing fight to halt my brothers. Their relationship had been damaged almost beyond repair and still Dean wouldn't give up on his brother. He ignored the threat to himself and I believe that Dean was prepared to die with Sam or allow himself to be killed rather than live without him. Then the most wonderous of miracles actually happened.
The Winchester brothers stopped the Apocalypse and it only cost Sam his life as he trapped Lucifer inside his own psyche and dragged Michael, along with Michael's vessel, into the Cage and Dean's life was changed.
I knew I was brought back that it was for a reason but perhaps I was too prideful to think it was to right all the wrongs done to my friends. Of course the first things I did upon returning was to heal Dean and Bobby. I understood all too well the anguish and loss that Dean felt over Sam's loss. I had been with them long enough to know how he'd react and even though Sam believed that Dean would go to the woman and her child, I knew that he wouldn't stay long and I feared for what he would ultimately due.
That fear was my main reason for excusing what I did when I stepped into the fires one more time to raise Sam back to the world he belonged in. Perhaps it was my pride and ego that didn't allow me to see the errors made in that decision because I knew as I watched Sam stare at the house in which Dean was staying in that something was very…very wrong.
My new world and my decisions from that night began to drasitically go down hill as my mortal friends would say. The moment Sam walked away from Dean with no emotion showing in his eyes or face I realized my arrogance would cost me more than my life. It could cost me a friendship.
It was after I returned to Heaven and my first ill-fated meeting with Raphael that I understood that freedom of choice wasn't all it was cracked up to be. The other Angels weren't suited to make their own choices but yet I couldn't stand to allow Raphael to free Lucifer and Michael and restart the Apocalypse. I couldn't allow Dean and Sam to be hurt again. I also came to understand that in my arrogance I believed that I could handle what I've come to see was a very bad choice on my part.
Now as the end comes near and I'm very much alone, I see that it was my pride that kept me from asking Dean for help. Perhaps Raphael would've won but at the very least I wouldn't have had to make the deal with Crowley to find Purgatory to gain the souls I needed to defeat Raphael.
I hadn't counted on Crowley bringing back the Winchester's grandfather or allowing Sam to do the things that he did with him but I agreed with the demon on one aspect…Sam was a much better hunter without the soul I neglected to bring out with him. His actions alone gave us the souls needed to keep the war in Heaven going to my side while Samuel's hunt for the monsters gave Crowley the answers he needed but that didn't mean I liked the choices I had to make…it didn't mean I liked using Sam in this manner but it needed to be done.
It all would've been fine…if Dean hadn't gotten back involved. The moment I heard him shout for me and realized he was with his brother was the moment I knew this whole plan could tumble down. There was no way to excuse or explain Sam's actions or the change in him that Dean would believe and when I finally had to reveal Sam's lack of a soul that was also when I knew my friendship with Dean would take a horrible detour once he learned the truth.
Yes, Crowley or I couldn't put Sam's soul back in but…that wouldn't have been wise for more than the reason I gave to Dean. Sam was more than a hunter while souless, he was much more lethal than he had been and he supplied what was needed in this war. The other reason I tried to keep Dean from putting it back in was partly for Sam's sake and partly for my own.
Sam's soul was still pure and a very powerful artifact in this war with Raphael. It was my ultimate ace as Crowley called it. The other reason was I knew that if he got it back, the boys would be in danger again because either our side or Raphael's could use that soul in what will come down to the ultimate showdown in Heaven.
That's not to say I wasn't glad for Dean that Sam got it back. I knew the moment Death put it back in before Crowley cursed and ranted for two hours. Don't ever let the little demon say differently because he is afraid of Dean and Sam…and I can't say I blamed him.
I stood in the room the moment Sam woke up and first saw his brother again. I witnessed such emotion between them that it reminded me of what had always made this strong enough to fight the demons sent to destroy them.
I knew this was the moment that Dean had been wanting since he first saw his brother again the night he'd been attacked by the Djinn and while I felt the walls come down in him I've also sensed the reasons Dean keeps holding something back. He's afraid of losing Sam again and I wish I could promise him that he won't.
Now the Winchesters know of my plan with Crowley. Again my hubris and ego made me overplay my hand with a simple miscalculation in words and without even realizing it all the faith that Dean had placed in me was wiped away and for the first time since I helped him escape the Green room that day I saw the same mistrust he had for Zachariah.
Even while I tried to explain my position, my reasoning I could see the looks being exchanged between the boys. Learning that I had brought Sam back was one shock since I hadn't bothered to tell him that I did it but to know that I brought him back without a soul and did nothing to correct it was another.
Sam's expression was a window to his soul. He showed his shock and his hurt much more plainer than his brother and even though I had been trying to protect them and they now had no reason to trust me I still sought to shield them and Bobby from Crowley.
My reasons for doing what I was may seem bad and it may yet end up costing me everything but I had sworn to never allow a demon to harm the Winchesters. I had hoped to reason with Dean that night and I assume he had thought to do the same thing with me but I fear neither of us came out of that discussion with much hope of a resolution fore as I will do what I must to succeed I know so will he.
I had made a final plea to my Father for a sign that what I was doing was right or not but none came. Now I must make the final choice that will either save Heaven or doom two men I considered friends.
Returning to Bobby Singer's home I see that Dean had been fixing the wards to keep me out but he hadn't changed them all so now I stand unseen in the upstairs bedroom to watch this young man who had taught me so much watch his own brother as Sam slept.
Dean feels betrayal deeply and what he feels is mine has hurt him certainly more than I ever wanted it to especially since he was willing to give me more chances than he gave Sam in similar circumstances. Of course I understand that Dean expected so much more from his brother that the betrayal he believed happened there cut him much deeper. I suppose I should tell him that Sam's betrayal was set up years earlier by those in command and neither boy had control of their lives.
I turn to leave, to go back to Crowley to make sure he understands the rules when I hear Dean speaking to his brother. The emotions held in that strong voice make me wish I could protect them from what is coming but it's beyond that now.
"I'll stop this, Sammy," I hear Dean make a promise that I know he will fight to the death to keep and it hurts me to know that I may very well be the cause of him not being able to. "I'll keep you safe just like I promised when you were a kid. Nothing will happen to you while I'm around."
Those simple words have held Sam and Dean together through many tough times but as I look on them now, as I feel the power coursing through Sam I wish it were only the wall falling and the threat of Sam losing his mind that could hurt them now because if Crowley can't locate Purgatory soon there may be only one way for me to defeat Raphael.
I can only pray to my Father that it doesn't come to that because if there is one thing I know Dean will kill without doubt or hesitation for it's his brother and I would rather face destruction at the hands of my own kind than be forced to fight Dean.
"Forgive me, Dean. I wish you could understand why I have to do this and I hope you and Sam can both forgive what I may need to do next."
God help us all if this isn't resolved soon.