I was playing OoT again when I noticed a lot of unexplained occurrences. Malon being able to deliver a cow to Link's house was the most puzzling of them all. As a result, I thought I'd write a fic to explain all of these mysteries. If you know of any other plot holes, feel free to tell me. If its not something I've already planned for, I'll definitely add it into the story. Without further ado, Malon's Epic Cow Delivery!
Malon's Epic Cow Delivery
Ch 1: The Journey Begins (Barely)
Malon watched as Link rode through her obstacle course like a Goron after a rock sirloin. In no time at all, Link and Epona were both through the finish line. He casually jumped down and walked towards Malon.
"I'm sure I finished in less than fifty seconds. So, what do I get? Please tell me its a giant hammer. I wanted a giant hammer my whole life but the Great Deku Tree always said 'no' for some strange reason. Something about public safety hazards and such. Anyways, where's my hammer?"
Malon forced herself to not face-palm at the comment. Even if Link had been the one who had helped her get the ranch back from Ingo, she sometimes questioned whether it had been a good idea to let Link visit the ranch any time he wanted. Sure, he was a nice enough guy but the problem was the destruction and the mind-numbing senselessness that followed whenever he visited. Just last week, he destroyed half the barn while practicing his spin attack in there. After that, he accidentally set the whole place on fire when he dropped one of his spell crystal while trying to help repair the area. It would've been bad enough without Link's damn fairy screaming "Hey, Listen!" the whole entire time. Malon wondered how Link hadn't turned deaf with such a noisy creature following him.
"Ummm, sorry Link. I don't have a hammer on me right now. Er, why don't you just leave for now? I'll deliver the present to your house. I promise it'll be something big."
Of course, Malon had no idea what she was going to give Link. She wondered how she had even gotten herself into this awkward situation in the first place. Ah, yes. She had tried to distract Link from destroying anything during this visit by setting up an obstacle course for him to ride through. She told him that she would give him a prize if he got through it in less than fifty seconds. Malon thought for sure that this would keep him occupied for the whole day. Unfortunately, she had underestimated the fairy boy's skill.
"Awwwww. I wanted a hammer. Oh, well. Got any other games for me to play?"
Navi suddenly flew out from underneath Link's hat.
"Link! There's no time for games right now! Hurry up and rescue the Sage of Fire already!"
Link slowly shook his head in a very patronizing manner before replying.
"Silly Navi. This whole thing is a game. Its called The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Its the fifth Zelda game released and it'll go on to become the most critically acclaimed video game ever created."
Navi immediately bitch-slapped Link before somehow grabbing him by his collar. She held him menacingly in front of her.
"What have I told you about breaking the fourth wall?"
"Ummm, something about tearing me in half and shoving my face up my ass if I ever did it again. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it was something like that. Please don't kill me."
Malon just sighed as the two continued on with their nonsense. She headed for the newly-repaired-barn where she hoped to find some peace and quiet.
"Hey, Malon! Looks like I have to leave now! I'll be looking forward to receiving your present!"
Malon gave a backwards glance and saw Link getting up on Epona. She gave Link a quick wave in response before entering the barn.
The barn was one of Malon's favorite places on the ranch. It was built just like any other barn, with stalls for the various animals living there and a few tools hanging at the sides. However, the place held a lot of significance for Malon. The few memories that she had of her mother were all centered on this building. She remembered feeding the cows with her mom as well as playing hide-and-seek using the giant haystacks. Just being in the building itself made Malon comfortable. Of course, there was another reason why Malon liked the place.
As soon as she entered, numerous 'moos' were heard all around. Malon walked over to where the cows were being kept.
"You can drop the act. Its just me."
Immediately, all the cows let out a sigh of relief as they gathered around Malon.
"Ugh. I hate having to pretend to chew cud whenever someone appears. Its degrading and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Hey, Malon. Did you bring anything real to eat? I'm sick of all this hay."
Yes, indeed. All the cows could talk.
"No shit, Sherlock. What was your first clue? Pfft. And you call yourself a professional narrator."
The cow who said this was immediately struck by lighting and turned into a cheeseburger for her arrogance.
"Er, okay. Anyways, here. I brought some carrots for all of you."
Malon distributed the food and waited until they were all done eating before telling them her predicament with Link and his present.
"Why not give him a live bomb? That way, he won't annoy you and we'll never have the barn destroyed by him again."
Malon shook her head at this.
"No. No murder attempts. At least for now. After all, I promised him a real gift so that's what he'll get."
"Ooh. Someone has a crush on the tight-wearing idiot," a cow said as the others wolf-whistled.
"Shut up. He's just a friend, alright? Anyone who wants to say otherwise can spend the rest of the week plowing the fields."
All the cows immediately fell silent.
"Now then, there must be something here that I can give him. Maybe a sickle? No, no, no. Bad idea. How about a horse whip? No. Epona would probably kill me for that." Malon turned to face the cows. "Come on, give me some ideas!"
"How about all the Cuccos? I for one would love to see those insane chickens gone."
"No. He told me that he ate the Pocket Cucco that I gave him seven years ago. If I give him a full grown Cucco and he tries to eat it... well, let's just say that we'll probably never see Link again. Besides, I'm trying to give him a present, not a snack. Let's see, the only animals that he said he likes are horses, turtles, Chocobos, and... cows..." Malon's eyes suddenly lit up with a sudden thought.
"Uh oh. The last time you had that look in your eyes, one of us was sold to Kakariko Village so that you could afford that scarf your wearing right now. Poor Daisy. I wonder how she's doing, all alone in that place?"
"Quiet you. Anyways, that's it! I'll just give Link one of you as his present! Its genius! Now then, who wants to volunteer?"
All the cows stepped away from Malon in unison.
"Fine, fine, fine. Is there anyone who you'd like to send away then?"
Immediately, the cows huddled together and started whispering to one another for a few minutes. Eventually, they all turned around and faced Malon.
"There is one cow that's been giving us trouble. She's probably outside right now. Why don't you take her?"
Malon found the cow in question standing near the entrance to the ranch. By the looks of things, she was probably grazing.
She doesn't seem so bad. I wonder why the others didn't like her ?
Malon's question was answered when the cow noticed Malon standing behind her.
"What the fuck are you doing? If you're here to tell me to go back inside, I swear I'll trample your pretty little face into a pile of manure. If you know what's good for you, you'll just leave me be."
Correction. She's a bigger bitch than Navi.
" Err... hi. I don't think I've seen you before."
"Good Goddesses, did you figure that out by yourself? I hope you didn't strain that lone brain cell of yours too much. Of course you haven't seen me before. Your dimwitted dad bought me a few days ago and brought me to this dump."
Malon struggled very hard to stop herself from turning the cow into a prime rib dinner. After calming herself down, she tried again to go along with her plan.
"Anyways, there's a new real estate that just came in. I was just wondering if you'd like to move there. After all, you don't seem to like this place very much so..."
The cow glared at Malon while thinking the proposition over. Malon waited nervously for the cow to answer.
"Bah. Any place is better than this. Fine. What kind of place is it?"
Malon nearly breathed a sigh of relief.
"Umm... its a nice place in the middle of the forest. You'll have all the vegetation that you can eat plus a scenic view to go with that."
"Huh. So when can I go?"
"Right now. I'll be going with you so it doesn't look suspicious. After all, a lone cow out in the field is just asking to be stolen. Anyways, I'll go get my traveling gear so meet me at the gate in ten minutes."
The cow just gave an irritated sounding "moo" and started off for the gate. Meanwhile, Malon rushed up to the house to get all of her stuff.
Malon decided to only bring along the bare essentials. She packed an extra set of clothes, a hairbrush, a small hand mirror, a blanket, and a M79 grenade launcher.
"Wait, what? When did I get a grenade launcher? For that matter, what in Hyrule's name is a grenade launcher?"
Oops. My bad. The grenade launcher suddenly poofed out of existence. There, much better.
Malon then headed down to pack some food for her journey as well as some water. As soon as she got both, she headed over to her dad's usual napping spot. She wasn't disappointed. She found him sleeping in the stables, surround by Cuccos.
"Dad! I'm going to go... uh... deliver a present for Link. You know, for getting us the ranch back and all. I'll be gone for a while though. See ya!"
Truth be told, Malon wasn't even sure if her dad heard her. All he did in response to her was mumble something about rainbow ponies. She decided to head out immediately before her dad said anything else. On her way out, she bumped into Ingo. Ingo immediately bowed down before her and started apologizing.
"Sorry milady! Please forgive me! I'll do anything to earn your forgiveness! Just don't kick me off of this ranch! I have no where else to go to! Not to mention Ganondorf's still ticked off about not getting Epona, but that's besides the point... Anyways, please! Have mercy!"
Malon gave a sigh before answering.
"Fine, fine, fine. I won't kick you off the ranch. However, I want you to look after the place while I'm off on a little trip. If dad asks, just tell him that I'm gone to give Link a present for getting the ranch back from you."
"Of course, Ms. Malon! Whatever you say!"
"Oh, and that reminds me. If you try to do anything funny while I'm gone, I swear that'll be the last mistake you'll ever make in your pathetic life. Aside from that, feel free to continue on as usual."
"Of course! I'll... I'll just continue on with my job as usual. Ha ha ha. Don't worry about a thing Ms. Malon!"
With a final glare, Malon headed out towards the gate.
"Ugh. What took you so long?"
Malon ignored the cow's comment and started off towards Hyrule Field. The cow sullenly followed along. After walking on in silence for a while, Malon decided to start a little conversation.
"So... What's your name?"
The cow seemed reluctant to reply at first. Eventually, though, she answered.
"Wait, isn't that the name of the main female protagonist in Final Fantasy X and Final Fantasy X-2? Man, the writer of this story must be really running out of ideas or something."
" Hey! Don't break the fourth wall! It could cause the end of the universe as we know it!"
"Okay, okay! Sheesh! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the haystack this morning."
The pair continued on silence again.
"Ahem. Where exactly are we going? It doesn't seem to be getting any greener. I thought you said my new home was in a forest."
Malon gave a nervous laugh before replying.
"Funny story that. I've never actually been there before so we're going to Kakariko Village first to get directions."
"Terrific. My guide doesn't even know where our destination is."
Malon decided it was time to change subjects.
"So... have you ever noticed how empty Hyrule Field is of monsters? I've never been out much but my friend, Link, told me that every time he was out here, he only saw a few Poes, Peahats, and Stalchildren around."
"Maybe the monsters don't like the climate around here."
"Or maybe the animators grew lazy when they made this game. Then again, the N64 isn't the most powerful game console out there. Maybe they just couldn't fit any more monsters into the game."
"What have I said about breaking the fourth wall?"
"Right. Sorry about that. Anyways, you'd think Ganondorf would at least set a few monsters loose on the field to stop Link. That's what I would do if I had an army of monster minions."
Suddenly, the ground started shaking as an ominous voice sounded from underneath.
"Heh. How perceptive of you. We were supposed to remain hidden to ambush the Hero of Time but you know too much. I'm sure lord Ganondorf wouldn't mind us making another kill. Come on out boys! We've got ourselves a live one!"
The ground in front of Malon and Yuna erupted as a plethora of Redeads, Stalfos, Like-Likes, Floormasters, Skulltulas, and other monsters sprung forth. Leading them was a gigantic Poe. It was apparent that the Poe was the leader as well as the one that had spoken earlier. Malon and Yuna soon found themselves surrounded by an army of monsters.
Yuna angrily faced Malon.
"Nice going, smart one! We wouldn't be in this situation if you had kept your big fat mouth shut!"
Malon remained impassive as the Poe approached the pair.
"Any last words before my minions feast upon your flesh?"
Malon kept the same neutral expression as she faced the enormous monster.
"Just one. Do you know what the biggest benefit of working on a ranch for your whole life is?"
Malon gave an anime-style smirk before answering.
"The answer's simple: extreme physical fitness."
With that Malon jumped up nearly twenty feet into the air. All the monsters (and Yuna) watched in disbelief as Malon reached the apex of her jump. Malon then formed a fist and aimed it at the ground. With a ferocious yell, she came hurtling down, fist-first, towards the crowd. Before the monsters could hightail it out of there, Malon's fist impacted. The blast was like a nuclear explosion. Everything within a mile radius was turned to dust. Anything beyond that was buffeted by an immense shock wave that could have toppled a buffalo.
At the moment, Link was journeying up Death Mountain to Goron City. Unfortunately, a constant stream of rolling boulders impeded his path.
"Link, be careful! You nearly got crushed by that boulder just now! The point is to avoid those rocks!"
Link grimaced in annoyance at his fairy's pestering.
"What does it look like I'm doing?"
"Well, you aren't doing a very good job at it! Hey, watch out! There's another boulder coming at you!"
"Ugh! If I dodge this one, will you please SHUT UP?"
"Finally! Okay, come at me, you giant piece of rock! This is going to be a piece of ca..."
At that moment, the shock wave created by Malon knocked Link off his feet...
and straight into the path of the rolling boulder.
"Link. You fail."
"Shut up Navi," a very flat Hero of Time responded.
Once the dust cleared, only three figures could be seen standing. One was, obviously, Malon. The other was Yuna and the third was the giant Poe. Yuna and the Poe looked at one another with a confused expression.
"How in Hyrule did we survive that blast?"
Malon dusted off her hand as she approached the two.
"Easy. Everyone knows that allied characters never get hurt by a teammates attack in a video game. As for the giant Poe, he still has around five HP left, so he survived."
"Stop breaking the...! You know what? I give up. Go ahead and destroy the universe. I don't give a damn anymore."
The giant Poe seized this opportunity to sneak off. Unfortunately for him, Malon noticed.
"Come back here. I'm not done with you yet."
The Poe gave a terrified whimper as Malon dramatically walked towards him.
"Please! Don't kill me!"
By now, Malon was right in front of the Poe. She gave the monster a glare that caused the Poe to shrink back in pure terror.
"Mercy is for the weak."
The Poe gave a girly shriek and tried to get away. He wasn't fast enough.
With a final scream, the Poe exploded as the punch connected. Suddenly, triumphant music started to play as a dialogue box appeared out of nowhere.
Malon gained 1584 Exp. Points!
Malon is now level 18!
Malon obtained silver rupee!
"Okay. That was weird."
Yuna shook off her surprised look and walked over to Malon.
"WTF? Why are you that powerful? And why did you suddenly turn bad-ass when you killed that Poe? I swear, if you were an OC, you would definitely be counted as a Mary Sue."
Malon gave a puzzled look.
"Huh? I thought you were against breaking the fourth wall."
"I told you. I don't give a damn anymore. Anyways, we should continue on to Kakariko Village. We've wasted enough time here."
"Alright. Besides, this chapters starting to get a little too long. We should end it before we overdo it."
"You already did that. Still, this is the pilot chapter so I don't think the readers will really mind."
"Heh heh. Its fun breaking the fourth wall, isn't it?"
Yuna just gave a sigh.
"Trust me, this will definitely come back and haunt us one day. Ugh. Why does it feel like this is going to be a very long adventure?"
"Don't worry. This story's only a mini-series. It'll probably only have around ten chapters or so."
"Then lets hope it stays that way."