Author's Notes: My favourite HP character meets up with with my favourite Twilight character (read: only Twilight character I did not want to smack constantly through the series. Just my opinion. Don't hate). By the way, I refuse to explain what the Hell Bellatrix is doing in Washington. IF YOU DON'T LIKE TWILIGHT TO BE MOCKED, DO NOT READ THIS. It will be mocked even more in coming chapters.
Disclaimer: In no way do I own either of these characters. However, if J. K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer happens to be reading this and you would be interested in selling them…
Good lord, this town was dreary.
Victoria stared with distaste at the drink she had had to buy to be allowed to sit in the coffee shop. Normally she would have skulked outside and waited for the first person to come out, but today, Victoria wasn't just waiting to feed. She was looking for people who would make good vampires.
"Mind if I sit here?"
Victoria's head snapped up. Standing on the other side of the table was a tall, quite pretty woman. She had spoken with a British accent, and a tone of authority, as if to say, you'll bloody well let me sit here if I want to.
The woman settled at the table and set down her mug of coffee. Victoria watched with mild interest as she pulled a silver flask and took a gulp of the contents. Seeing Victoria watching, she grinned devilishly.
"What is it?"
Victoria had never heard of that. She sniffed the air, but it was so clouded with the scents of all these people that she couldn't tell what the drink smelt like.
"No, thank you," Victoria said, and went back to staring at her coffee.
"Suit yourself." The woman took another sip. "I'm Bellatrix, by the way.."
Victoria snarled. "Bella."
Bellatrix raised an eyebrow. "Only to my friends. And you are?"
"Victoria," Victoria said curtly.
Bellatrix shrugged and continued to drink.
That nonchalance… that charisma… she could be just what I need.
"What is your story?" Victoria said abruptly.
Bellatrix raised the other eyebrow. "Who wants to know?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"All right, then." Bellatrix capped her flask, folded both her hands on the table, and looked Victoria in the eye. "I'm a witch, part of an organization called the Death Eaters dedicated to the purification of wizarding blood. I have two younger sisters, but one of them went off and married a Mudblood. I'm married to a man with a brain the size of a walnut, and I'm in love with the Dark Lord. What about you? What's your story?"
Victoria stared dumbfounded at the other woman. Was she serious?
"I'm a vampire," Victoria said, deciding that it didn't sound any more absurd than the nonsense this Bellatrix had just spouted out. "My mate was killed by a tribe called the Cullens, and now I am on a revenge mission, seeking out the wi- sorry, I mean, the bitch that caused all this."
"Really?" Bellatrix looked interested. "What are you going to do to her?"
"Kill her, of course."
"Sounds like fun," Bellatrix said wistfully. "I'm not allowed to kill anymore…"
"Oh, my husband got all bent out of shape after I killed his mistress." Bellatrix waved her hand unconcernedly. "He put a spell on me so I can't kill witches or wizards anymore. Muggles are still okay, but they're so boring."
"What in the name of all that is good and decent is a muggle?"
"Non-magic person." Bellatrix wrinkled her nose. "So… tell me, who is it you're going to kill?"
"Her name is Bella Swan."
"What?" Victoria blinked in confusion.
"This Bella Swan, is she an auror? Oh, wait, you Americans must have another word for it. Er… is Bella Swan a professional killer of Dark witches and wizards?"
"She's, um, human," Victoria said lamely. "Just… normal human."
Bellatrix let out a shriek of laughter.
"Your mate got killed by a muggle?" she howled. "What sort of vampire are you?"
"I'm better than the Cullens," Victoria said darkly. Tears of mirth were running down Bellatrix's cheeks, and Victoria considered ripping her throat out. "They don't even drink human blood."
Bellatrix actually fell out of her chair, and convulsed with laughter on the floor.
"People are staring," Victoria growled.
"Don't drink human blood!" Bellatrix laughed. "Oh that's a good one! Vampires that don't drink blood! Hilarious!"
Victoria stood up and headed for the door. She had had enough of this maniac.
"Wait, wait!" Bellatrix clambered off the floor and chased Victoria out into the rain. "Hang on, if this Bella Swan is a muggle, and you want her dead, I can help! Can I help?"
"Go away," Victoria said coldly. "You're out of your mind."
"Really?" Bellatrix smirked, and pulled a long bent stick from her purse. "Watch this, Vicky."
She pointed it at a man who was walking across the street. "Avada Kedavra."
There was a burst of green light, and the man fell to the ground. Bellatrix strode over to him, and pointed the stick at his neck. A gash appeared, and crimson blood spilled out onto the road.
Victoria was on him immediately, lapping the blood up as fast as it dripped from the cut. When she had sucked him completely dry, she looked up at Bellatrix, a bloody grin smeared on her face.
"We," she said, straightening, "are going to be a great team."
"Damn straight," Bellatrix said with a fake American twang.
A/N this is going to get funnier, I swear.