THE UTENA MOVIE
Shoiryu Style

Utena: Hello, welcome to the Utena movie. They call me Utena in this movie, but I act like Utena's prudish, shy, withdrawn twin sister. And my hair is short. I have a hat.

Wakaba: Hi!! I'm Wakaba!! I had to appear somewhere in this movie or the fans would be angry!! My double punctuation marks are actually audible!!

Utena: Hey, you're kinda cute.

Wakaba: We're sorry, you have exceeded the program's two-word-sentence limit. Commencing shutdown. Restarting in defensive mode "Uber-Genki" now.

Utena: Guh?

Wakaba: NOW WE'RE VIEWING THE SCHOOL!! It is large and moves around a lot!!

Utena: Uh... okay...

Wakaba: Look look look, there's Juri and Miki- the former getting a significantly larger amount of viewtime than the latter because the Juri fans outnumber everyone else and they're REALLY creepy- and OOOOooh, if you look over there-

Touga: Don't mind me. I'm just standing around here, being all mysterious and dead sexy. Whoops, heh heh, did I say dead? I'm not dead.

Utena: Touga!

Touga: Fi~ind me.

Utena: Touga!

Touga: Keep running.

Utena: Touga, you jackass!

Touga: ...um, not quite the reception I was expecting. Anyway, like my new ring?

Utena: Ack! You're engaged to someone!

Touga: No. Utena. Sweetie. The fans are laughing at you. See, what the rose REALLY means is-

Utena: RAGE.

Touga: ...m'kay.

Utena: You know what, Touga? I'd yell at you some more, but I'm suddenly distracted by this FLOWER. Flower PRETTY. I wonder if it symbolizes anything? ....NAH. There isn't anything symbolic in this series. Yeah, I'm taking the ring I just now found in this flower, even though I don't really know where it's been. Wouldn't anybody?

Anthy: Teehee. I scored a PERSONALITY in this movie. This ROCKS.

Utena: LOTS of flowers.

Anthy: Sorry, my fault. They follow me. I'm the Rose Bitch.

Utena: You mean Rose Bride.

Anthy: Whatever. By the way, the headmaster is my brother. Just thought I'd give you my spoilers up front.

Utena: .....m'kay.

Anthy: ACK! You've got a ring! Hug me!

Saionji: No, hug ME!

Utena: I don't wanna hug anybody!

Saionji: Dammit, when I don't get my hugs, I get grumpy. And when I get grumpy, I feel the need to KICK SOME ASS!

Utena: ...I've missed something, haven't I.

Saionji: *Chomp*

Anthy: Definitely gonna have to wash the hair tonight.

Utena: Ugh, fine, whatever you want, just so you stop slobbering on her, you freak.

Saionji: Yippie! And afterwards, maybe you'll want to read my exchange dia-

Utena: No, that's the TV series, Saionji.

Anthy: AHEM, Rose Bitch coming through! Rose for you, rose for you!

Saionji: Sword for me!

Utena: Er, broom for me...?

Saionji: KUNI TORI! BWAHAHAHA!

Anthy: And now for my Wakaba impression: "Utena, my love!" *GLOMP*

Utena: WHAT THE FU- MMPHF!

Saionji: Me fail duel? That's unpossible!

Utena: Wow, black fades sure do save time. Oh, look at that, a plot device- I mean, picture of me and Touga.

Anthy: My supple, slinky little body and I are here!

Utena: Go away. No, stay all night. And turn the lights off, will you?

Anthy: Tee hee, aren't I clever at avoiding your questions? Let's touch each other in naughty places.

Utena: Let's do. No, let's not. You're weird, Rose Bitch. Er, Rose Bride.

Anthy: Well if THAT ain't the pot calling the cocaine black. And OH, hate to interrupt, but it's time for a symbolic segway.

Shiori: I'm a bitch.

Touga: I know.

Shiori: No, I'm really a bitch.

Touga: Yes, I know.

Shiori: You're dead.

Touga: Yes, I- no. No, I'm not. Eheh. Hush.

Wakaba: DIEDIEDIE! Arg!

Touga: Hello. I'm in the girl's bathroom and no one's noticing except you.

Utena: It's because you're exceedingly girly. Have you ever had sex with Anthy?

Touga: Quite possibly. On the second part, not the first.

Utena: Grrrr....

Touga: Anthy! Here girl!

Anthy: Wee! I see dead people!

Touga: Whatever. OH, dear, you're all WET now.

Anthy: OH TOUGA, THAT'S A THINLY VEILED SEXUAL INNUENDO. *GIGGLE*

Utena: ...I'm the only one here who isn't getting laid on a regular basis, aren't I?

Shiori: Bitch bitch bitch, hate hate hate, whine whine whine.

Touga: Uh huh.

Shiori: JURI IS A LESBIAN AND THUS SHE IS BAD.

Touga: Actually I don't think there ARE any REALLY straight characters in this series. Oh, and I was raped by my father in a cabbage patch surrounded by weird Shiori butterflies.

Shiori: Shut up. I'm drawing a penis monster on your back.

Touga: Might've been the acid.

Utena & Anthy: Let's Dancing!

Roses: WE OWN YOU.

Animators: *Collective hemmorage*

Anthy: You hate me.

Utena: I love you.

Anthy: No, you only love the metaphor of my existance. Now strip, bitch.

Utena: Isn't that, um, my line?

Anthy: Nope, it's my turn to be the dominant one.

Utena: Then you be naked too.

Anthy: Okay. But let me warn you, I've got a bigass hole in my chest.

Utena: ...Christ, is there a landing strip on the fucking roof?

B-ko: I've got a controversial videotape! Look!

-----Nanami Cow: Moo!

-----Chuchu: Chuu!

-----Penis Monster: .....

B-ko: ....wrong tape.

F-ko: Here we go!

-----Akio: Ciao! *Hops over about eight cars* Cars don't run without keys! Duh! Anthy, it's drugged incest time!

-----Anthy: 'kay.

B-ko: Eeeew.

Juri: Enguarde!

Utena: Enwha- OH MY GAWD! *CLANG!*

Juri: You sure dig that Touga guy a lot, eh?

Miki: Who the hell's Touga?

Touga: .... *Cough* Just because no one but Utena and Anthy can see me doesn't mean I'm dead.

Juri: Fight me, Utena! Er, Dios! Er... whoever the fuck you are!

Anthy: ...I am in the woods?

F-ko: Something's up!

Shiori: Look, Headmaster Akio's dead. Someone buried him under the rose garden. I know how it happened. Check this video out.

------Akio: You peeked!

------Anthy: No, it's okay, I liked it! *SparkleSparkle!*

------Akio: No! It's not okay that we had sex if you were conscious and willing!

------Anthy: Chill out, g-dawg! It's all good, yo!

------Akio: No, eat steel!

------Anthy: Owie.

------Akio: I believe I can fly-eeeeeeee-! *SPLAT*

Utena: Yo, Touga, what's the dilly-o?

Touga: You like her better.

Utena: Yup.

Touga: Which means you're a lesbian.

Utena: Guess so. Wow, what's that say about YOUR manliness, Kiryuu?

Touga: I'm still gonna ask you weird questions before I give you any answers.

Utena: Oh, shut up. I just remembered you're dead.

Touga: Goddammit, okay, I'm dead! Are you people happy now?! Geez.

Utena: Cry, angst, weep, bye, Touga.

Touga: ...bye. *Float*

Anthy: Utena, you ROCK! I'm the Rose Bitch! Feel my tits!

Utena: I know. Thanks. Let's blow this scene.

Anthy: No. Well, okay.

Utena: But first, the carwash of DOOM!

*Insert majorly weird carchase scene here, involving the smashing of the Shiori drag-racer and a Castle-On-Wheels*

Utena: Yay, we're free, and now we're naked on a rad roadster! Let's entangle our nude bodies and smooch!

Anthy: Okay!

The End.